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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think dp's ex has cried over these easter dates to bag herself some free childcare?

237 replies

rhonddagirl · 04/04/2015 21:47

They have been split for a year but he does loads for her- most of before and after school care of their 2 dds, plus part of the weekends. He was due to have them over the Easter weekend, from today til Tuesday so she could work from home (she's a teacher) but he has been offered some work so can't do it - or so I thought. He is self-employed so no work, no pay.

Anyway, he went to see her this am to tell her he could only have them until Monday morning (his dm was available til then) and she has had a meltdown - can't cope unless he has them til Tuesday. So he has caved and the job is off Angry.

AIBU to think this is a piss-take and she is using him?

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 05/04/2015 09:05

I don't think he'd be having access at 6.30am every morning if it wasn't for the fact that she needs childcare then so she can get to work

Well she is up with them at 6.30 am too. He'd also be with them at 6.30 if he hadn't left.

You are acting like they are an inconvenience.

Reddragon116 · 05/04/2015 09:08

Sonhe was the sahp and walked out - so she is now not just the breadwinner (in a very strefful job) but also has the kids 24/7 and you resent by the sounds of it ANY amount of parenting he choses to do. one also wonders just how much maitaince this gem of manhood pays - very little or none as otherwise it would be on your list of complaints I bet.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 05/04/2015 09:09

I think possibly people are posting without seeing OPs latest update, it reads as considerably less outrageous than the previous ones.

OP I can see why you wouldn't want him staying round at ex's half the evening after the kids are in bed, I'd be jealous too. But they've been separated for such a short time, they really have. They must've been together several years to have two school aged kids. Their relationship is so much more long lived than yours, and that can't be expected to evaporate just because one of them's met someone else. You're right when you say the relationship isn't what you thought it would be and probably won't be for a while. Could be a very long time, many years. Basically you're now around the unwinding of a long term family arrangement, and that's taking priority for all concerned. Your DP is coming with an immense amount of baggage. I would not remain in the relationship unless I was damn sure I could deal with it. He'd have to be pretty special for me to be able to make that commitment after just a few months. Do you live with him?

Arsenic · 05/04/2015 09:09

I don't understand why anyone would want to get involved with someone who is barely 6 months out of a marriage anyway. Emotions are still running high, arrangements for children are still new, his ex is still obviously feeling raw.

This.

It is all very new.

VikingVolva · 05/04/2015 09:10

I think it is possible that DP is misrepresenting the XW (that OP has never met).

And of course, if it requires tears from her to prevent him changing agreed arrangements, he's expecting to get away with a great deal of flakiness. He needs to learn what it means to be a reliable parent. It not what you think about your actions. It's what your actions actually are. What sort of father does he want to be?

By all means, you ask if a change of plan would make a difference. But if the answer is 'no' you don't drive someone to tears about it. You find childcare or revert to the original plan.

MadgeFinn · 05/04/2015 09:23

I think though that people need to consider things from his point of view too here. Yes he is the parent and when he's having the kids it shouldnt be classed as childcare. But they have split up and the x has custody, therefore obviously she's going to be doing the lions share. She has a salary but he is self employed, no work, no money. She should also be accommodating to his need to work as he is to hers.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/04/2015 09:25

I think that I may have been on MN too long because his story really doesn't add up.

Rebecca2014 · 05/04/2015 09:28

I don't understand why anyone would want to get involved with someone who is barely 6 months out of a marriage anyway. Emotions are still running high, arrangements for children are still new, his ex is still obviously feeling raw.

My sbeh had a new girlfriend only two months after we split. He was an abusive arse who is shit with money, his girlfriend already lending him money only after 4 months of being together! pathetic.

Anyway on OP, you really need stick out of their business. It is great he is being such an active father, that is good news for you if you had a child together in the future.

Zadkiel · 05/04/2015 09:29

How do you know that he is there until gone 8 as "she isn't coping"?.

Is that what he comes home and tells you? Or how you want to see it?

Perhaps she's asked him to sit and read with them, or help them get ready for bed, or do some homework with them while she clears up after tea, sorts uniform and lunchboxes - or while she does some marking or preparation for work the next day. The work she does to provide for her and their children.

Unless you are sat in the house with them you don't know.

VikingVolva · 05/04/2015 09:30

This isn't however about 'accommodating need to work' (as the school holidays could have been divided differently), it's about late changes to agreed plans.

DP needs to find suitable childcare (and several options) if he needs to work whilst his children are with him. As his work schedule is so variable, the sooner this is done the better.

merrymouse · 05/04/2015 09:31

If she is doing most of the childcare and earning most if the money to support the children it seems that she is being quite accommodating already. However, as neither parent has contributed to this discussion we don't know.

What is clear is that this is a relatively recent breakup of a long term relationship involving children and the family are still finding their feet.

After only 6 months the OP shouldn't be talking in terms of what is fair or unfair to her. It is what it is.

mrsgooglemad · 05/04/2015 09:57

Wow, been engrossed in this thread! Shock

bananayellow · 05/04/2015 10:21

I think you are having a hard time op as so many are projecting their own issues. It sounds as if he does do a lot and is happy to do so - and rightly so.

He wasn't trying to change the times spuriously, it was to enable him to work. It wouldn't have hurt her to be flexible, as he has been to enable her to work. It does sound as if she has been a bit unreasonable.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/04/2015 10:30

bananayellow

"He wasn't trying to change the times spuriously, it was to enable him to work. It wouldn't have hurt her to be flexible, as he has been to enable her to work. It does sound as if she has been a bit unreasonable."

How do you know that she doesn't have something planned?
More to the point when is he having his children over the Easter break or is this weekend the only time he will be having them?

merrymouse · 05/04/2015 10:34

We have no idea who has or hasn't been flexible. All the information comes from the OP who hasn't met the mother and has only known the father since, presumably, October.

All that is clear is that the people involved are still going through the process of sorting out the messy end to a relationship and that they share responsibility for 2 children and finances are stretched.

The OP can accept this or move on.

HagOtheNorth · 05/04/2015 10:34

So, you've been out of a relationship for 4 years and been with this man for 5 months?
Do you think it's going to work out, or do you need to rethink things?
He sounds as if he's taking his relationship with his children seriously.

GamoraStarlord · 05/04/2015 10:35

Bananayellow changing your access at the last minute without arranging adequate care for his children first is a reasonable thing to do ? The children are entitled to the stability of having their parents stick to a schedule.

I do not consider it prijecting, I consider it empathising. It just is not for the op here.

Mrsjayy · 05/04/2015 10:46

I really think you need to find another boyfriend he is looking after his children him and their mum have arrangements for looking after their children his arrangement was to see the kids till tuesday he wanted to change them their mum probably got frustrated quite rightly you cant see that these kids or their mum are not going to go away, it isnt up to you to decide if she isnt coping or not.

bananayellow · 05/04/2015 10:51

Surely the best arrangements for children is when both parents work together to ensure the best for their children. Things happen in a relationship that need arrangements to be changed, as they do in a separated relationship. Surely flexibility on both sides is the ideal scenario.

As far as we know, the exw didn't disagree because of a pre arranged commitment. It was because of catching up with school work. If the dad has the kids so often during the school week -according to the op, and was willing to "cave" on this one, I assume it is not beyond the realms of possibility to think that they might have agreed an alternative time for her to catch up, rather than this particular day. His mother was around the rest of the weekend. We are talking of one day that has stopped him earning for the entire long weekend.

Yes the kids need stability, but they also need both parents earning. It would also be desirable to have two parents that go out of their way to help each other when the need arises. Hard in a lot of newly split up relationships, but surely something to aspire to.

needaholidaynow · 05/04/2015 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needaholidaynow · 05/04/2015 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDiesel · 05/04/2015 10:56

Your do wanted to work with on a day he had arranged to have his children, therefore he needs to arrange childcare just as she does when she has the children. It is great that they help each other out so much but would your do cancel a days work if say the children were sick when they were with their mother? If not, how can he expect his ex to drop her work for his benefit.

bananayellow · 05/04/2015 10:56

I agree that the op has worded things badly but on the face of it, I think she inbu

merrymouse · 05/04/2015 10:58

according to the op,

Who hasn't known the father that long and is relaying to us what he said his ex said.

For all we know he is spinning a bit of a tail for a quieter life. Either way, it is up to the people involved to sort out the problem, if there is one, not the OP.

magoria · 05/04/2015 10:59

When my ex and I split up DS was inconsolable after the weekend with his dad and would spend ages upset and crying for him.

Perhaps he is staying until his DC are in bed because that is best for them? There was nothing I could do for DS at that time.

He has left her with all the daily routine. If it works for the children for him to be there at 6:30 because she has to work then that is no business of yours. If he didn't do it how would she be able to continue her job and pay for their living expenses?

This was an arrangement they had before he left. It would not be in their children's interests if she now couldn't work.

School teachers don't just stop at home time. She now has to one parent every evening what two used to do. Perhaps she is at breaking point.

He tried to change the arrangement. She said no. That is for them to sort out.

What they decide is none of your business.

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