Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dp's ex has cried over these easter dates to bag herself some free childcare?

237 replies

rhonddagirl · 04/04/2015 21:47

They have been split for a year but he does loads for her- most of before and after school care of their 2 dds, plus part of the weekends. He was due to have them over the Easter weekend, from today til Tuesday so she could work from home (she's a teacher) but he has been offered some work so can't do it - or so I thought. He is self-employed so no work, no pay.

Anyway, he went to see her this am to tell her he could only have them until Monday morning (his dm was available til then) and she has had a meltdown - can't cope unless he has them til Tuesday. So he has caved and the job is off Angry.

AIBU to think this is a piss-take and she is using him?

OP posts:
OutsSelf · 05/04/2015 15:49

Think you are probably being lied to about why he stays at hers late on Sundays etc. I think when something doesn't go your way he's likely to spin it and you are an idiot if you think she is the problem. 'Had a meltdown?' = said no to a last minute change of plans. You want to question why he's telling you it is this way because if it is true and she needs a meltdown to make a clear point to him - no means no - he's a git. And if she doesn't need a meltdown, why's he telling you about them? I think you are being played OP. If she's such a dangerous and unstable loon, why did he have children with her? Why did their relationship last as long as it did? In my experience, reasonable people behaving well in relationships usually would like and get along with each other's exes. If not, then someone is stirring up the shit. Exactly where is it that you are getting the picture that he is wonderful, flexible, and reasonable and she was batshit, unreasonable and unable to cope?

And your attitude to him spending time with his children is shit.

IHateStampysVoice · 05/04/2015 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PizzaFingers · 05/04/2015 19:26

Free "childcare" ShockShock They are his own children!! He isn't doing her a favour. As soon as you called it childcare I lost interest.

LIZS · 05/04/2015 19:29

Yabu judging her by the standards you put up with from your ex. Maybe he isn't as ready to leave his kids each weekend as he leads you to believe. You barely know his children let alone the ex, so presumably rely on what you are told. Maybe a compromised relationship is not for you atm. Agree he agreed to have them as his share of the holiday until Tuesday and it is him who now wants childcare, not her.

Original poster
rhonddagirl · 06/04/2015 07:34

IHateStampysVoice I really think you need to get out more, love Hmm. I am not Party's ow, and you sound deranged, ranting that I am and being 'gleeful' for 'party's sake' Hmm. Why for her sake? She seemed upset by the whole thing and if I was the ow (I'm not) it was obviously of no benefit to Party to see 'me' talking about her situation on MN, in fact, it clearly got to her and shook her up. She didn't come back on the thread after Sat night, so I assume she stayed away. Yet you are gleeful. Why? Because you think you've been witness to a nice bit of internet drama?? I'll say again - I'm not this OW and have never been an ow. My user name gives a clue as to where I am, btw.

I was a bit calmer on Sunday because, as I said, I'd had a drink when I did the OP and did regret my wording a bit. If you want to know, I still think dP's ex is BU for not giving DP more of a chance to build his business, but, guess what, I have other things to do than argue all day on here about it - that doesn't make me Party's OW.

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 06/04/2015 07:54

The worlds gone mad. Hope things get easier for you OP.

Runningupthathill82 · 06/04/2015 08:06

Yes, OP - because the ex obviously has SO much time on her hands to allow your boyfriend to "build his business", what with working full time in a demanding job and also parenting his children.

I think you should step back and let these people sort themselves out, rather than running into a complex situation and throwing demands around after a matter of a few short months.

HellKitty · 06/04/2015 08:25

I hope that you're not implying that his ex 'isn't coping' as she's a bad mother? She probably isn't coping having to deal with all the 'free childcare' she does all the time along with her teaching work while coping with a newly ex husband who managed to get himself into a new relationship after 6 months.

Hugs to Party.

bananayellow · 06/04/2015 08:36

If it was a SAHM having to go out to work after a split, there would be a lot more sympathy for her. The exh would be vilified if he didn't try to facilitate her return to work.
I think the op has had a really unnecessary hard time just because she worded the op badly. He sounds a good dad. If - if, and we can only take the ops word for this, and there is no reason we shouldn't, he is flexible and puts his kids first when work allows, then I can understand him being frustrated when she doesn't offer the same courtesy back.

Original poster
rhonddagirl · 06/04/2015 08:36

No I don't think she's a bad mother at all - I have never met her but dp is always saying she's a great mother and I'm sure she is. I do get a bit Hmm about the not coping etc because I've been on my own for 4 years and have small dc and have had to just get on with it. I work too, but don't have anyone to take my dc for me to get a break, or not with any regularity anyway.

Anyway - jealous? Probably and, yes, not my call what he arranges with her, I know that.

OP posts:
bananayellow · 06/04/2015 08:41

It's still an adjusting period after 6 months. We don't even know who left who and for what reason, other than the op wasn't the ow. Why is it automatically the bloke who is in the wrong? Maybe he is, maybe he isn't, but I feel a lot of man hating on this thread.

CrispyFern · 06/04/2015 09:05

I think it's fair enough to ask to change the arrangements for Tuesday if he's just got the pportunity of work, but it isn't fair to assume that the answer will be yes and it isn't fair to complain if the ex wife says no.

Try not to be bitter and jealous about your new OH being a better ex to his ex wife than your own ex has been to you. Just because you managed alone with no help, it doesn't mean that's the way it should be.

merrymouse · 06/04/2015 09:26

If it was a SAHM having to go out to work after a split, there would be a lot more sympathy for her. The exh would be vilified if he didn't try to facilitate her return to work.

Not if the exh was already taking on most of the childcare and financial responsibilities.

I don't think anybody is blaming either party in this relationship breakup as we know too little about it - they have commented on the OP (which to be fair the OP agrees was not reasonable).

Zadkiel · 06/04/2015 09:31

Banana it's because he thought it acceptable to just to drop his children when the opportunity of some work came up.

Instead of looking around him and making arrangements for them - with his family, his friends, his suppprt network - so that he could work he passed his problem back to his ex, which wasn't on.

Its exactly what a SAHM returning to work would have to do. Consider how the children would be looked after so they could work.

How does he build his business/career? Well he looks at his responsibilities (which would include his children when they are with him), the hours available and decide when and how his work will fit in with that. If he needs more hours, then he looks at things like after school clubs for his children, drops a hobby, socialises a bit less, works in the evening.

Just like the rest of us do. It's not man hating.

bananayellow · 06/04/2015 09:41

He did arrange for his mother to do three days. Is it really too much to ask for a one day change to allow 4 days work?

I think regardless of the sex or who had the children at that particular time, this wouldn't be an unreasonable ask.

lunar1 · 06/04/2015 09:41

You will look back in a few years and realise how ridiculous your attitude is here. You have found a partner who seems to be doing the right thing for his children and there mother. He is taking the time they need to help them get through a traumatic time.

He is probably a decent guy and you will lose him with your attitude to his responsibilities. Yes he was right to ask to swap, she was within her rights to say not possible.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 06/04/2015 09:44

If you want to know, I still think dP's ex is BU for not giving DP more of a chance to build his business

While the children are in his care any childcare is his responsibility and he needs to sort it out himself, you can not just hand children back because you have something you deem better to do which is what he was trying to do. You need to make proper arrangements and sort out childcare. The key point is that it isn't his ex's responsibility it is his. It's the whole sexist attitude that children are basically the mother's responsibility and if the father does anything he is helping out but because he is only helping out he can hand them back anytime he feels like.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 06/04/2015 09:47

bananayellow asking is not unreasonable but you have to accept that the answer can be no, the unreasonable bit is not accepting that no is the answer and complaining that the persons reasons are not good enough. No one ever needs a reason to say no.

bananayellow · 06/04/2015 09:50

I think it is a two way thing. Them both being flexible enough to change arrangements if the need arises. My responses to this thread would be the same for either sex.

I think some posters are fixated on the man being the bad guy - yes more often than not this is the case, unfortunately, but in this case it seems like the exh is a decent guy- from what we are told.

bananayellow · 06/04/2015 09:54

No one ever needs a reason to say no, I agree, but if you are trying hard to be flexible, and the other person appears to be trying less hard, then I can understand the frustration.

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/04/2015 09:54

bananayellow
"He did arrange for his mother to do three days."

Where does the OP say this?

merrymouse · 06/04/2015 09:56

Is it really too much to ask for a one day change to allow 4 days work?

No, but if it isn't possible then that is that.

People are messy and imperfect and don't always agree on what is reasonable. Because they have children these people will be a part of each other's lives for years to come.

For the OP the question is not "is this reasonable?", but "do I want to be in a relationship that necessarily involves 3 other people over whom I have little influence and whose values and experiences may be vastly different to mine?".

Even if her partner's ex may is a needy drama queen, she isn't going anywhere and there is nothing the OP can do about that.

flowery · 06/04/2015 10:09

"Is it really too much to ask for a one day change to allow 4 days work?"

Not unreasonable to ask, no. But he didn't. According to the OP he just told his ex she would be having the kids on a day he was supposed to have them. He told her she'd have to provide "free childcare" on a day he was supposed to have the kids, so he could work.

No wonder she said no!

BaronessEllaSaturday · 06/04/2015 10:09

Bananayellow did he even ask though or did he tell, if you look at the way the op described it

Anyway, he went to see her this am to tell her he could only have them until Monday morning (his dm was available til then) and she has had a meltdown - can't cope unless he has them til Tuesday. So he has caved and the job is off

Words like he caved are very telling because it shows that the op thinks that the responsibility lies with the mother and anything the father does is a favour, if that is the op view then this relationship probably won't last.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/04/2015 10:10

Oh the drama and projection on this thread, we must be bored. The name-calling and vicarious wishes for herpes, karma and goodness knows what plagues to befall are just nasty.

The odds of posters being linked is very small really. There are just a lot of very bad parents about and a lot of parents who don't realise that they're not all that. Nobody really knows the details or whether what's so freely spouted is true or not. It's lost all validity though.