To think dp's ex has cried over these easter dates to bag herself some free childcare?

[rhonddagirl]

They have been split for a year but he does loads for her- most of before and after school care of their 2 dds, plus part of the weekends. He was due to have them over the Easter weekend, from today til Tuesday so she could work from home (she's a teacher) but he has been offered some work so can't do it - or so I thought. He is self-employed so no work, no pay.

Anyway, he went to see her this am to tell her he could only have them until Monday morning (his dm was available til then) and she has had a meltdown - can't cope unless he has them til Tuesday. So he has caved and the job is off .

AIBU to think this is a piss-take and she is using him?

Yep OP this bloke has certainly done a right number on you regarding the psycho Ex. Poor kids caught up in the middle of this. How about you take a step back. Being some blokes cheerleader is pretty demeaning really. Maybe focus on your own children and let him focus on his.

The children's father is going to need to earn his own money otherwise he isn't going to be able to be able to afford to live and is restricted by doing the before and after school care every day.

Mothers up and down the country forego full time work and put their careers on hold while their DCs are young so they can provide before and after school care. They either SAH or work part time. And i dont just mean those with partners to make up the shortfall. Many mothers live very frugal lives as a result of not being able to work full time when dcs are small. Lets also remember that he has every evening from (just guessing here) 5pm onwards to work and during the day when DCs are at school. He could also choose to employ childcare like many other parents. I am not seeing any injustice here, i can see options available to him that arent available to many single mothers who are doing the SAHP role. This man actually has quite a good deal IMO. Oh how i would love to be able to work evenings/nights and have no childcare costs while still being there for my dcs during the day and getting a night off every weekend. My dcs other parent does 2 out of 14 and sometimes not even, i support his career by arranging and paying for ALL childcare out of my measly wage, measly because I have had to take the career sacrifice and raise our children without his support. When people ask about our contact arrangement they say "at least he sees them" i think the guy in the OP has it pretty good tbh.

OP I think you need to back off here- it really is none of your business. You also need to think really hard about whether you're getting the whole story from this bloke.

My friend has a crap ex that is egged on by his gf who was the OW. She believes everything he says and never considers maybe he's playing her too. You don't need this in such a new relationship so maybe back off a bit and let them sort it out.

Yes many single parents SAH or work part time (and this included me a couple of years ago and I paid childcare with no financial support from ex). but they are usually able to claim tax credits etc. to help them do that. I would imagine that trying to run a business around school drop off and pick up time (depending on what that business is) could be quite difficult and add in the erratic income that comes with self-employment it must be difficult for this man to support himself and his children. Plus arranging childcare with irregular work patterns is difficult.

I don't necessarily see this man's position as an injustice, just a difficult pattern to maintain. And if I was relying on my ex for all my childcare I would be looking around at other options as I wouldn't expect it to be a long term solution as he would need to work too.

Tenrife no projection from me my father and my DH haven't abandoned their families.
The OP proudly states her boyfriend walked away, he made a choice to leave his wife and children. That is abandonment in my book.

Yabvvvvu. She's using him. How did you work that one out. They're his children.
He came as a package. His ex wife owes you nothing

And if I was relying on my ex for all my childcare I would be looking around at other options as I wouldn't expect it to be a long term solution as he would need to work too.

Surely its a case of them both having agreed that he will do daytimes as before the split and he will work full time? Many families choose to have a SAHP and nobody says "oh well that guy should be looking around for childcare instead of relying on his partner/child's mother for childcare" its a decision families make and theres no reason it cant be something these two have agreed should carry on til the DCs are older or some other pre determined point in time. I'll guarantee no-one is berating my EXp for relying on me for childcare!

Many families choose to have a SAHP and nobody says "oh well that guy should be looking around for childcare instead of relying on his partner/child's mother for childcare"

I never said she shouldn't be relying on him, I just wouldn't make that choice personally. I just don't see the position as sustainable. Things change when people split.

Mscolouring it's equally difficult for the mum in this situation to keep this pattern going. He just has to find a way for it to work for him, just as she has. He is a single parent too (apart from having a gf of 6 months).

Its fine if its not something you would choose personally, i wouldnt choose to have my EXp coming round daily and for dinner on a sunday but that us. For the guy in the OP its clearly been working for them for at least a year. Maybe they just fell into the pattern when they split or maybe it was a conscious decision they made to keep the continuity for the DCs. Either way its what they are doing and its not really for anyone else to say it isnt sustainable. No-one knows what arrangement they have, perhaps the DCs are 9 and 11 and theyve agreed to do it til youngest in secondary school or maybe DCs are 4 and 7 and the plan is to see the youngest into full time school then change to a childminder. We also dont know what financial arrangement they have. It would be reasonable in their situation for the RP to forego child support as she is not incurring childcare costs at the expense of his earning ability. Anyway, its the arrangement they have and not a bad one tbh from the little i can see. Certainly not one OP has the right to change or interfere with.

wouldnt choose personally.

I think we will have to agree to disagree Surlycue. We don't know the full facts here. It could be the OP's dp is completely taking her for a ride and trying to convince her that the ex is mental. Or the ex is completely controlling. Or it could really be completely amicable. But people usually split for a reason so being involved in each other's lives on a daily basis is likely to cause some issues IMO but I may be wrong.