To think dp's ex has cried over these easter dates to bag herself some free childcare?

[rhonddagirl]

They have been split for a year but he does loads for her- most of before and after school care of their 2 dds, plus part of the weekends. He was due to have them over the Easter weekend, from today til Tuesday so she could work from home (she's a teacher) but he has been offered some work so can't do it - or so I thought. He is self-employed so no work, no pay.

Anyway, he went to see her this am to tell her he could only have them until Monday morning (his dm was available til then) and she has had a meltdown - can't cope unless he has them til Tuesday. So he has caved and the job is off .

AIBU to think this is a piss-take and she is using him?

YABU. And so is he for not arranging childcare for one day.

YABU you know you are. It's hard enough coming out of any relationship that involves children. His ex has every right to be upset. He sounds very controlling. If plans have been made for him to have his own children then that's what he should do not try and change things at the last minute. Also it doesn't really matter if his ex is working or not what business is that of yours??

You sound vile. My ex used to call having his own children childcare. If the ow had butted in and said that I would have been fuming. He sounds like a terrible father making his needs a priority and you sound like a terrible mother.

Party I hope this isn't the ow. Sending hugs. If it is then console yourself with the fact that you escaped any more wasted years with such an arse. She certainly didn't win any 'prize' with him did she

Can I just say I am NOT who Partyseems to think I am, absolutely not. Party it sounds like you are having a horrible time and I'm sorry if this thread upset you, but surely you realise that there are plenty of people in similar situations, sadly, and any similarities are just coincidences. Party is upset so I can understand her jumping to conclusions, but others gleefully saying I have been 'rumbled' . How ridiculous, do you people think there are about 10 people in the country?

I see I am being UR, but it was the last in the long line of arrangements that have been cancelled due to this kind of thing. Yes it was him who changed this, but usually it is totally her. Eg he goes round on a Sunday til tea-time, but often ends up staying til past 8 (their bedtime) as she is 'not coping'. I do feel sorry for her, but I am starting to realise the relationship may not ever be what I thought it could be, or not for ages anyway. I have had no one since my ex left 4 years ago, so no practise at dealing with all this.

And oh, our finances are separate. By struggling, I just meant affording to go places together. We go dutch, but he is skint most of the time as she was the breadwinner. He has walked out of the house with just his clothes so I do think she could make more of an effort to ensure he can earn a living as it is due to their arrangement and him doing most of the childcare when they were together that means he is struggling.

However, I get that it's not really my business and maybe a late-night thread after was not the best way to ask advice - and, yes, I did name-change.

He walked out, so it's up to him to make a living whilst meeting the obligations he has towards his children. If your definition of skint is not being able to go dutch, that's a very high bar you're setting. Perhaps you could pay for him as he's now your partner.
It doesn't sound as if this is the relationship you want, so perhaps you need to move on without him.

Not much of what you have written in your last post sounds like it should be a problem for you though op. He stays late at hers... so what ? Either he is helping with his kids in which case its fine or he is getting cosy with his ex in which case your problem is with him not her.
Lots of people are 'struggling' to go places together because of money on dates. It is just tough shit. You either like him enough to get round poordom or you dont. I have bugger all money so until I moved in with my fiancé our dates consisted of park walks and museums. We were and still are just happy in each others company. If you need more then maybe you should split up with him and date someone with a. More cashflow or b. Less responsibilities. You are wildly projecting your problems in the wrong place here and long term that is shit for their children.
Also I cannot believe you came back and wrote childcare again after all the posters pointing out to you what a dick move that was. You are either lying about having children of your own or you are just super goady.

Party. I have been there. It sucks, I had two years of that bullshit before his tiny brain started to register what parenting meant. It gets better. Good luck with your new relationship. I dont know how to put flowers in from my phone so you will have to imagine I stuck some here!

Look OP, there is no change to 'our plans' as they were HIS plans. He changed at last minute. He should have arranged childcare, simple.

You have been with him 6 months, don't live with him this is none of your business. This is none of your business.

I don't see the problem with the term 'childcare'. Well, I do in my title, which I do regret , but in terms of when they were together? No. He did childcare while she worked. What's wrong with saying that? It's a fact. I talk about sorting childcare for my two all the time - I didn't know it was a word parents aren't supposed to say. He sees his dc most days still. Yes him having access shouldn't be seen as providing her with childcare, I get that, but I don't think he'd be having access at 6.30am every morning if it wasn't for the fact that she needs childcare then so she can get to work.

"He was due to have them over the Easter weekend, from today til Tuesday....but he has been offered some work....he went to see her this am to tell her he could only have them until Monday morning"

Surely it's him who's after "free childcare" then, not her?

And surely if he wants his ex to have the DC so he can work, his best plan would be to ask her nicely, rather than just "tell" her that's what's happening?!

And this, this is why I wouldn't ever be willing to date someone who had children.

I say this as a parent who remarried after having a child, and I've watched for 8 years how hard it is for DH, especially at the beginning of our relationship, when DS1's Dad and I argued constantly, when he would cancel his weekends seeing DS1 for a night out, when DS1 sat at the window saying "Daddy not coming?" and DH had to pick up those shitty, shitty pieces.

But here's the thing. She is the Mother of his children. They made a joint commitment to them from the moment they were conceived, and from the looks of it, all he's doing is attempting to uphold his end of the bargain. You either accept that you're never going to come first, and calm your tits enough to maintain a relationship with this man, or you walk. You're not going to ever be happy involving yourself in their dynamics.

Over time you might end up being part of that little unit; DH here is now "Dad" to DS1. Because he's earned it. But keep your head down, your mouth closed and don't ever get involved. You'll never come out on top; the only ones who ought to are their children.

YABVVVU. You are coming across as very self - centred and jealous.

The plans weren't changed by the ex, it was your DP who tried to renege on the arrangement. If the ex is a teacher she is probably absolutely exhausted by the end of term and was looking forward to a few days to herself. Why did your dp accept a job if he knew he hac the childrn this weekend?

I think you should think about your DP's relationship with his children, which is the priority. And, as others have said, it's not "free childcare", it's called "being a parent".

Even though it's none of your business why she needs this weekend to work, I just want to point out that she might not have two weeks to get her work done. Aside from possibilities such as, she's got so much to do that the weekend will only be the tip of the iceberg or mentally she can't take a break until certain tasks are done, there's also the chance that she might have a deadline to work to this week. People think that because schools are closed to pupils, the teachers have the whole time off but with the rise of online working and erosion of the standard pay & conditions, senior staff often expect things emailed to them mid-holiday now. She might have to have term plans/scheme of work/grades submitted by the middle of this week.

But do you know what, even if that's not the case here, she is still not in the wrong! Even if she was planning to spend the weekend in bed shovelling haagen dazs in her face watching chick flicks, she'd still not be in the wrong because it was up to him to have his kids and to arrange childcare if he couldn't. Fair enough, he could ask her first to save money, but if she says no, why can't he get childcare and still take the work?

My DH gets up at 6am each morning with our DS2. Him going over there at the asscrack of dawn is no different to him simply parenting the way he did before he left.

I don't get the problem with a non-resident parent who chooses to spend as much time as possible with his children. In fact, I applaud it. There are so many shitty parents who choose other priorities. You ought to be thinking to yourself "actually, this guy is putting his children before anything, that makes him pretty bloody awesome" especially if you ever have hopes of starting your own family with him.

Party!

Eg he goes round on a Sunday til tea-time, but often ends up staying til past 8 (their bedtime) as she is 'not coping'.

But that is nothing to do with you.

Oops, sorry, missed a load of posts. Rhondda, this sounds like a bit of a tricky relationship tbh. How come his ex didn't move out if he was the SAHP? Walking out with just the clothes on his back, leaving his kids behind, looks a tad melodramatic and, reading between the lines, it all sounds slipshod.

You have to suck it up this weekend, though. He was in the wrong.

Childcare is what you have when neither parent is available to have your children. Presumably your boyfriend was the sahp not the childcarer when they were together. Access is provided to be the best for thwechildren. Access is there for the benefit of the children not the parent. Therefore if his access is getting the kids ready for school most days then that must be lovely for them. To see him regularly as access. Not childcare. The fact remains that whether you want to call it access or childcare it is none of your business. It is between them and that is it. Again I find it hard to believe that you have children and still make this post.
I find it hard to have sympathy for a man who arranges work in his access times as well. Surely his children wilould be disappointed at that. If you do have children surely you have seen that terrible fave they get when let down. How could he consider doing that to them and have you thinking that is ok?

I want to hear more about these six month long farts.

Op you have my sympathy. Why is everyone so harsh? You are accused of so many things here that are totally unfair and you are remaining calm and dignified in the face of it all. You accept you were BU. You have my respect.

They are his kids? He could have them full time for her and it still shouldn't be a burden or a chore, he's "doing loads" for his children not her. If you ever have kids with him and he leaves, I'm sure you would hope he would be there for you also over his new squeeze.

Sorry to be blunt but his kids should come before anything else, they are qualities you should be admiring in a man not resenting, it means he's a good dad and a good person.

How can a parent ever provide childcare for their own child? . It's never childcare, it's parenting! Childcare is what is required when neither parent is available. Other relatives or friends can provide childcare or you pay for it, parents aren't ever classed as childcare.

You've been together for six months so you really have no say in any of this anyway. It's frankly none of your business what arrangements they come to and how much he sees his children. I'm quite thrilled that he wants to see his children so much, he's clearly a doting father and that's brilliant.

They've only been separated for a year and you've been together for half of that. I think he needs more time on his own before jumping into another relationship, he needs to figure out how to survive on his own first and properly work out 'access' with his ex. It's too much, too soon. So you know what I'm suggesting here but rather than 'LTB' it's leave the nice man . He needs to work his shit out before involving anyone else.

OP, you realise that you are being unreasonable but for your own sake you either need to make peace with the way things are (they won't, and shouldn't, change) or you should get out. 6 months is not a long time in a relationship at all, certainly not long enough for you to be dictating anything to do with their arrangements concerning children. 1 year is not a long time for the ex to have completely recovered from the breakdown of the marriage, or for the children either. I appreciate that in some circumstances this might be true but I don't think they are the most likely of situations.

I think I sympathise with the ex because I am in a similar profession, having had my DC all week and my DH being away I've got absolutely no work done at all. It's impossible to give it the time and attention it requires when you are running around after your own. Yes, she has 2 weeks off but I strongly recommend that if you are to stay in this relationship you gain some understanding of what teaching is like as a career. I think the children she teaches deserve a little more than the half effort of planning and marking done whilst being preoccupied with her own children - I'm sure if she was your children's teacher you'd have something to say about sub standard marking and planning - this is why she is upset! Look at the pressures, and the reality of her job!

I cannot understand for the life of me why you would use the phrase bag herself some free childcare! It's not childcare, he's their father - it should be free, they are his! You have made yourself sound vile with that one and have given no thought at all to her career or situation. Obviously I don't know anything about the ex's finances but I don't know any teachers who can manage on their one salary alone. Again, get some understanding of teachers' pay and conditions - you seem to be relying on the stereotype that should no longer exist. You say she is sitting pretty, but how can this be when she used to have 2 incomes and now she has one with children to raise and childcare to pay for? Surely, you can see that this is not as straight forward as that?

It's unfortunate that your DP has had to sacrifice some of his salary this month, but he made an arrangement that he had no right to cancel. If his career doesn't work around his situation then he needs to address this, he chose to walk out on his family so therefore he needs to take the consequences. He didn't have to leave with nothing, he could have arranged a fair split of assets so he cannot now use this as an excuse to do whatever the hell he likes, and neither should you.

He chooses to spend time with his ex, he chooses to stay there until after the children are in bed. You need to look at that rather than blaming the ex. Just because your ex is unreliable doesn't mean that he should be and to me it sounds like he isn't actually ready to be in another relationship, let alone one with the pressure that your relationship seems to carry with it.

I have the children more than my DH does as he works full time & can earn more and I work part time. If we were to split should I tell him that 'he owes me hours of childcare'?? Of course not. I have the children because they are my children and I made the decision to have them and therefore look after them. I work a late night once a week and my DH collects the children from childcare. I don't see him as extended childcare I see him as dad picking up his kids. Two of the children are from a previous relationship should he treat them differently because it's their biological dads responsibility to provide childcare? Of course not. Their biological dad hasn't seen them in years anyway.

Think about what you are saying. The only person with a problem here isn't him or his ex it's YOU

He isn't earning or not earning much so even if he is paying maintenance it won't be much.

Those children need supporting. And their mum is working really hard to do that. And is needing the children looked after from 6.30am to enable that to happen.

Yet you are criticising her for it. Why?

She isn't taking them to a breakfast club, or a childminder, in other words they AREN'T in childcare. They are with their Dad.

And you are criticising her for that too.

It isn't any of your business. I don't understand why anyone would want to get involved with someone who is barely 6 months out of a marriage anyway. Emotions are still running high, arrangements for children are still new, his ex is still obviously feeling raw. The last thing anyone in this situation really needs is an unrelated third party sticking her oar in and commenting on how the ex isn't coping and criticising her for wanting the father of her DCs to co parent.

Eg he goes round on a Sunday til tea-time, but often ends up staying til past 8 (their bedtime) as she is 'not coping'.

NOT COPING WITH HIS CHILDREN.

You are a nightmare.