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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect understanding and consideration for my sn boy?

200 replies

emkana · 04/04/2015 21:00

He has physical disabilities (mobility, vision, poor health) as well as autistic traits. He is bloody hard work but also adorable. How much consideration can I expect from a) other adults b) children?

Example: he struggles with taking turns. His older sistersunderstand and accommodate him. How much should I try and get other children to understand/expect their parents to explain to them?

OP posts:
FatFromAllTheMassiveEggs · 04/04/2015 21:05

IME people don't accommodate this. Dd struggles with queuing. She has been kicking off in some queues recently and people just stand there and ignore her. No one ever lets her go first. Even though she is distressed and their kids are waiting happily. Thanks people. So I have very low expectations of people.

FatFromAllTheMassiveEggs · 04/04/2015 21:06

And DD doesn't learn to queue due to this. She just gets upset and hits herself and us.

Sorry..not very positive post. But feeling a bit despondent about this today.

emkana · 04/04/2015 21:07

As am I ... :-(

I'm talking about family members here as well Shock

OP posts:
TheFirstOfHerName · 04/04/2015 21:09

In my experience as the parent of a child with additional needs, it is very variable. Disability can bring out the best or the worst in other people.

Grandparents took a while to adjust but are now v.supportive.

FatFromAllTheMassiveEggs · 04/04/2015 21:10

How old is your DS? I found it got slightly easier as DD gets older..now she is 8 and non verbal it's more obvious it's not just our crappy parenting causing the issues. Still get family members demanding she says thank you though Hmm.

However did meet someone today who gave us a bit of hope. Manager of play place we went to today saw DD kicking off and let her in for the price for younger kids as he could see she wouldn't use all the equipment.

strawberryshoes · 04/04/2015 21:12

Depends on the age of the other children in question. My 4 year old would struggle to understand why another child had special treatment re: sharing or taking turns, even if I attempted to explain. I expect in a year, maybe 1.5 years she will be able to both understand and accommodate if I explain the need.

Some kids (people in fact) are just not very good when dealing with people who are out of the ordinary. Others are selfish, some are embarrassed and others are just not very nice, so I suppose you should expect a mixed bag of reactions.

emkana · 04/04/2015 21:12

He is nearly 9

OP posts:
EatenEasterChocsAlready · 04/04/2015 21:15

Op I am sure many won't agree but depending on levels of his understanding sometimes its helpful to find a diplomatic way of telling people there are issues.

And yes expect a mix bag of reactions BUT for all the people that have no understanding of disability, there are many people who will warm your heart and help you and him, and move heaven and earth for you. Smile

FatFromAllTheMassiveEggs · 04/04/2015 21:15

I wish I could say something more cheery.

Sadly in our experience people are rarely kind to dD and either stare or ignore her with a horrible disapproving expression.

FatFromAllTheMassiveEggs · 04/04/2015 21:16

Still to meet these many helpful people..have met about 3 ever..

FatFromAllTheMassiveEggs · 04/04/2015 21:19

Still..maybe people will read this thread and decide to be kind and proactive instead of ignoring and staring.

Scabetty · 04/04/2015 21:24

It's a difficult one. I have a nephew with Aspergers and Ds used to find it hard to accept he would not share his toys and was not expected to but Ds was. As Ds has gotten older he now understands. Ds yr 2 teacher spoke to me after one visit as Ds had been tearful on and off that day. I explained the weekend visit to her and she understood.

Another issue is people are unsure of intervening :suggesting/ letting you go in front may contradict what you are trying to teach your child. I say this as a Foster carer I know often criticises others well meaning intentions as undermining her in similar situations.

Comingoutofhibernation · 04/04/2015 21:29

I would want to help in that sort of situation, but I would have no idea what was the best way to react. I would probably ignore a child having a meltdown for any reason, as I would think the parents would not want people staring, or interfering while they were trying to deal with it.

Purplepoodle · 04/04/2015 21:29

Main problem is that unless the disability is very obvious people don't get it and don't understand. Eldest has adhd which manifests as extremely loud, boisterous, struggles with turn taking, empathy ect. So people think he's just badly behaved no I get the evils glares as I'm trying to calm him from a meltdown.

I'd have no problem if I was waiting in a queue asking people if DS could go first and would explain why. People arnt mind readers and don't know how to react. If you ask people and give a short explanation, Iv found people much more accommodating.

ohmychrist · 04/04/2015 21:29

Be fair though - it's not likely that people will realise that a stroppy, aggressive child in a queues has special needs and isn't a demanding brat. Surely the parent needs to step-in and explain.

It may not be the autistic child's fault, but the other children's reactions isn't malicious.

Lilicat1013 · 04/04/2015 21:30

I have two autistic boys and mixed feelings on this.

I tend to hope other people will accommodate but treat the children like they wont.

So I constantly correct behaviour that impacts on others (pushing past other children, getting in their personal space, obstructing play equipment at the park). I also explain to adults that they are autistic and to children a more age appropriate version of that.

I have found most people try to be kind/helpful even if what they are doing isn't actually helpful but then intent is clearly good!

Where I struggle to balance things is when their behaviour doesn't directly impact on others but can cause a problem anyway. For example at toddler music class my youngest will walk up and down in a set pattern outside the group. He isn't touching or bothering anyone and the instructor understands that he is involved in his own way, he does make it harder though for other parents to insist their own child sits on their lap and stays with them because they can't understand why one child is allowed to be 'naughty'. The other parents have been nothing other than kind as I am open about him being autistic but I am very aware of his behaviour makes it more difficult for them.

On one hand I want to make him sit down because I am aware I am making music group a more of a struggle for every other parent. On the other hand if I made him sit down he would freak out, scream and I would have to take him home so it would essentially mean we wouldn't attend.

Everything is a balancing act but overall I think I need to teach them both to behave appropriately so I have to continue to challenge them in small ways. Start with small queues and short waits and try and build on it.

It is different for every child and every situation though, what works for me wont necessarily work for others and I would be happy to give up my place in a queue so a person with a distressed child could go ahead of me.

emkana · 04/04/2015 21:32

I have no problem with strangers really, what bugs me is family members who have known ds all his life and still don't seem to understand. Can his cousins be expected to accommodate him - and does it make a difference that they only see him a few rimes a year?

OP posts:
FatFromAllTheMassiveEggs · 04/04/2015 21:32

My DD has obvious SN. She makes noises and flaps. And walks in unusual way. And looks 10. What 10 year old makes loud whinging inarticulate noises in a queue and hits out and hits their head. Could that be more obvious? Ih she carries a shoehorn around too. People are still not accommodating or kind.

parallax80 · 04/04/2015 21:35

How old are the cousins OP?

Alisvolatpropiis · 04/04/2015 21:35

With family members, I would expect them to be very accommodating and if they weren't I'd ask them what they thought they were achieving.

With strangers it's difficult. I do genuinely try to be considerate of others and letting someone go in front of me in a queue would be no big deal. But I wouldn't necessarily know that offering it was the right thing to do in the situation MassiveEggs has described. Just because I'd worry the parents would think I was being intrusive. If I was asked, I wouldn't say no.

FatFromAllTheMassiveEggs · 04/04/2015 21:36

dDs cousins tolerate her a tiny bit but nit as much as I'd hope.

emkana · 04/04/2015 21:36

They are 11, 9, 7.

OP posts:
FatFromAllTheMassiveEggs · 04/04/2015 21:37

Offering would totally be right. No parent likes their child being distressed and hitting them :)

NoNameDame · 04/04/2015 21:37

I agree that I would probably ignore the situation, I wouldn't interfere and risk doing the wrong thing. I would respond if asked directly for something, e.g. To let your dc go in front but I think you are asking too much for kids to have that understanding, I would say that from about 8 kids will start to be understanding but I wouldn't really expect that behaviour until a kid is about 10

FatFromAllTheMassiveEggs · 04/04/2015 21:38

Being kind isn't interfering.

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