to expect understanding and consideration for my sn boy?

[emkana]

He has physical disabilities (mobility, vision, poor health) as well as autistic traits. He is bloody hard work but also adorable. How much consideration can I expect from a) other adults b) children?

Example: he struggles with taking turns. His older sistersunderstand and accommodate him. How much should I try and get other children to understand/expect their parents to explain to them?

dD had a lovely time at an Activity yesterday but was really upset in queue. Avoidable if she was accommodated.

MassiveEggs do you ask to go first in queues? I'm aware there's more to accommodating your DC than this, but for parents like me, who are unaware, or even ignorant of your DC needs, it's genuinely hard to know when any offer will be welcomed, or seen as interfering.

I was at Disneyland Paris waiting for a ride - people in front of me were ranting very loudly that sombody on a Make a Wish Foundation trip was allowed to go first. Hideous, hideous people

I too like many others would hesitate to - what seems to me -as interfering with someones parenting. However, having read this thread I shall pluck up the courage and offer in future.

MassiveEggs

Sorry to be on soapbox..but it makes our daily lives harder than they have to be.

Jester..no as people are standing there with cats bum faces usually, staunchly ignoring us. Or complaining. I don't even think the onus should be on people to offer. There should be more systems available to help people..like fast passes, IMO.

Thanks Jacques

And yes we have found people are actually like those people Jacques describes, something about queuing brings out the worst in people.

OP is only talking about relatives not strangers....

It seems to me that many types of SN are complex, the parents themselves often struggle to understand what is difficult behaviour due to SN and what is just ordinary misbehaviour to be disciplined like any other child.

I dunno how you can expect relatives who rarely see your children or get to know them to fully understand your child as well as you do. I can see how it's a painful situation when you feel you understand so well and the relative is being unfair, but that's because you have parental empathy and so much experience that they lack; it's not their fault either that they lack those things.

I've found that the best way to get understanding is to have a good support network of other parents with children with additional needs and not seeing the family that previously refused to accept that DS needs consistency and that the rules that we have are there for a reason.

Our diagnosis is quite new but I don't think telling people that he has ADHD will make them think any less that: 1. I'm a bad parent or 2. He's a naughty boy and of course, if he were their child he'd either be left at home or receive a good smack.

I'm just hoping that as I get more used to knowing that it isn't his choice to act in this way, I'll develop a selection of things to say to those unhelpful people that we come across every single day, you know, like "fuck off".

Op is but the discussion became broader. Which is fine surely.

I would always let anyone go in front if it helped, I've been that mum struggling with a child, and he doesn't have SN, it's just basic kindness and humanity to help isn't it? Saying that, I'm also conscious of interfering, but if asked or if it was obvious to me at that time, I would offer

It's an interesting subject and the posts show that there are lovely people and there are awful people, and sadly some.awful people have kids with SN. My ds has asd, sadly a lot of people assume he is badly behaved and I used to get very stressed about their reactions. Now I'm much more open and assertive.

With OPs family, the problem is the parents, not the cousins. The kids need to be educated. If they mock his behaviour that is awful and they should be disciplined.

But I do think the only way forward is for parents of 'different' children to educate the people around them, explain why our children act why they do and ask for help. We can't expect complete strangers to be mind readers, especially when a child has no 'obvious' sign of disability. Those who are fortunate enough to have no personal experience of SN aren't being unkind, they just don't know how to help.

fatfrom you have mentioned fast passes quite a few times. How would this be implemented?

I think when you have a DC with a disability and become knowledgable about it then you forget that a lot of the general population are quite ignorant of any hidden disabilities.

So many people think disabled = wheelchair and everything else is 'bad behaviour and/or bad parenting'
It's a societal problem that can only be solved with mass education and challenging how the media portray hidden disabilities.

She wept well places that do them have a system where you can apply for one if you provide evidence of disability.

My view ia not that the onus is on people to work out that a child has a disability BTW, nor for parents to explain their child's needs..but that systems should be in place which recognise all sorts of disabilities.

I genuinely don't want to detract from OP getting advice about the cousins so won't say more.

Sorry I didn't see past the first page when I posted.

I've found a brilliant organisation near me that organises trips out for SEN children. Sometimes just to share a meal or other times to fun things like the aquarium or today, they're going to the cinema (sen friendly showing). It allows children to get together an share social time and also gives me some time to myself while I know DS is safe.

Perhaps there might be something similar near you? They cater for children right up into their teens.

I'd also speak to your sibling(s) about their children. I'd be surprised if they don't have children with additional needs at their school and so should have an understanding. Could you also have a "our house, our rules" approach so that in your house, where dd can feel safe, she can always go first and play games her way?

There are lots of books to help children to have a better understanding of their additional needs, could that help to teach the cousins?

I really feel for you, it's so sad that even your family aren't helping you daughter to be included when they should be doing so much without being asked or prompted, they should just be there, doing it.

I do know that some people don't know what to do and so rather than trying and getting it wrong, just avoid doing anything - perhaps this is the case with your family?

Op if these are your DCs cousins, what example do their parents set? My friend's cousin has a DC of 9 who is severely autistic, my friend made sure to make it clear to her kids (as much she can with their ages, the toddler doesn't understand) what's helpful and what's not and how best to all play together- what makes a loving and supportive family. She did this by asking her cousin how they could be supportive and the cousin explained things that would help the other children to understand.

My friend's children are very loving and gentle and the eldest can recognise when her little cousin is starting to feel stressed or anxious while playing and goes to get his mum.

It helped that my friend and her cousin were so close that neither had any worry of talking to the other to give/get support. I just wondered OP, how the children's parents acted? What behaviour they modelled since kids usually follow that? What support they offered to you and your child?

Apologies because I didn't address OP's immediate problem.

A lot of parents of NT DCs spend a lot of time teaching them about turn taking in games, parks and queues. No DC wants to wait if they don't have to, no adult either. But it's part of life and something we spend time teaching our DCs.

When this lesson is learned some DCs get the rage when someone isn't taking turns properly because they know that's wrong. The cousins' parents should take the time to explain that their cousin struggles with turn taking and they should be kind and sometimes let him go first. Not all the time because the younger cousins would struggle with that but most of the time.

In the absence of a sensible parent telling them, then in OP's position I would tell them. But she shouldn't have to. He's family and his parents should be kinder.

Wow. What great understanding and kindness.

Can't even begin to address that one. And why the child might have a meltdown and it's not about rewards. Etc etc.

Anyway proves my point nicely about lack of understanding.

I would be more than happy to allow someone in front of me in a queue if their child was struggling to to any type of SN. However, I am not a mind-reader and if a child's SN not obvious, then (like a lot of others) I may see it as a badly behaved child, having a tantrum. I don't comment, I just ignore.

However, if you briefly explained the issue to me, I would do anything I could to help. I would also be able to explain to my DS why that child should go in front of us, or why they had problems sharing, otherwise my DS would be rolling his eyes at the child he perceives as rude.

We had an incident yesterday at a park where a child kept pushing in front of others and taking the equipment from others (he was about 8). My DS got pretty sick of it and wanted to go to another area of the park. I did sit down with him and explain that he may have some sort of special need or a condition where he didn't understand. Although we both did have a chuckle when his Mum (who was sat behind us) interrupted me and said it was a lovely thing to say, but her DS didn't have any SN, he was just a little swine and she was going to remove him.

Please remember that you know your child and their SN, I don't.

"Of course he should be treated equally and with consideration. Although skipping queues because he is autistic is entitled behaviour."
what bollocks, you do realise that a kid with sn will react differently to one with out.
with mine(not autism ) you can't explain, controll how they will behave.
an nt kid you can.

It's just great to read that people will see my DD as a badly behaved child having a tantrum unless I am defensive. Thanks.

Anyway seen how these threads go too many times. On holiday and not got energy to educate. Doesn't ever work but leads to me getting criticised in the end anyway.

The lack of understanding in society is very sad. Guess we just have to suck it up everywhere we go though.