to expect understanding and consideration for my sn boy?

[emkana]

He has physical disabilities (mobility, vision, poor health) as well as autistic traits. He is bloody hard work but also adorable. How much consideration can I expect from a) other adults b) children?

Example: he struggles with taking turns. His older sistersunderstand and accommodate him. How much should I try and get other children to understand/expect their parents to explain to them?

When there are people around who see paedophiles on every corner that make some people cautious about their interaction with children they don't know.

I'm pretty sure I've seen some threads on MN along the lines of "A man waved at my dc, should I call the police?"

peachypants this is how I manage it:

It takes a lot of time and patience. We start off with social stories. This is a way of explaining why thing happen, and what to do if things happen if they don't go the way you expect them to do, e.g.

In queues, people will queue in a line. This is because the first person in the line will be seen to first, then the second, then the third and so on. We have to be patient. As the people in the front of the queue are dealt with, the queue wil get smaller and we move closer to the front of the queue. Eventually we will get to the front of the queue [give time guidelines ]

Some people may get frustrated being in a queue. This is because they don't like waiting or might need the toilet or don't like being touched. Everybody doesn't like like queuing because they would rather be doing the thing rather than waiting.

If you feel sick or frightened when queuing, tell somebody. You can stand outside of the queue and let somebody queue for you if that is somebody you trust and will hold the queue for you. If it is so frightening that you cannot cope, then we can leave the queue but we can't rejoin the queue at the same point so will have to go back to the queue to start again.

By explaining the choices and explanations makes it easier, but doesn't necessarily take away the anxiety. In those circumstances it's better to walk away. Plus you cant always develop a social story off the cuff, if the anxiety has already started its hard to get them to listen and act rationally.

Shewept I don't know what it's like in the US, but in the Uk it's become more and more difficult to get DLA for children (and the written letter that you have to provide in order to get a fast pass in entertainment parks in the uk)

If children have been given fast passes, then you can guarantee they've had to have produced numerous professional reports in order to get that letter, and just because they don't seem disabled, doesn't mean they are abusing the system.

Tunna thank you for taking the time to explain that.

Thinking that someone will ignore my Dd because they will be worriedthat I will accuse them of being a paedophile if they reply to HER saying hello is possibly the lamest excuse possible for ignoring her. Sorry.

peachpants you're welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read it

I would never ignore a child who waved or said hello to me. It wouldn't occur to me that that would put me at any risk of being accused of being a paedophile it wouldn't BUT I don't have an anxiety disorder, unlike the pp who made that comment.
A little understanding and tolerance all round wouldn't be a bad thing.

Have said fair enough if someone has a social anxiety disorder.

The poster that was thinking people might be worried about being branded paedophiles was just surmising, she wasn't saying she thinks that herself due to her anxiety disorder.

So no lack of understanding from here.

But you don't know anything about other peoples situations. There are so many reasons why people may not wave or say hello or offer for you to go ahead in a queue, that have nothing to do with being selfish or unkind or bigoted.
I know that there is a lot of ignorance about learning disabilities but IME most people are willing to help if asked.
And dismissing anyone's opinion or fears, however unfounded as "lame" shows a lack of understanding IMO.

Sorry to all those who have had bad experiences :(

This is interesting for me to read. IME small children especially have a very strong sense of 'fairness' and will question it if another child isn't following the rules. When I was little I went to what used to be a SEN school that was co-located with a mainstream school, that had integrated just before I started. As a result, there were lots of children with SEN in my class but all I saw (being aged 3-8) was that some children got special rugs to sit on, were allowed to play in a ball pond, had an amazing sensory room with lights and had all sorts of other nice things that I wasn't allowed to have. It was never explained why and as I wasn't used to seeing the children with SEN as different to any other children it seemed unfair. As a result, I've been careful to explain to my own DS that child X in his class with ASD has his own teacher (TA) and sometimes acts differently because he understands the world differently to everyone else, which he has asked questions about sometimes but absolutely accepts. As his parent (and DD's once she's old enough), I want him to be understanding and accepting of everyone but I need to teach him that.

I'd have no problem with someone going ahead of me if needed and now from this thread I know to offer rather than assume I'll be asked if needed. My general strategy is to ignore other children's tantrums as I hate it when I feel like everyone's staring when my 2 have them. I'm also a bit sad that the choice seems to be either child with SEN or an entitled, badly-behaved brat Small children aren't mini adults, they're learning correct behaviour and hiw to deal with their emotions and sometimes it goes wrong, that's all.

If it shows a lack of understanding to think it's ridiculous to ignore my DD because you are scared I will think you are a paedophiles so be it. Definitely don't understand that one.

Talk about victim blaming and turning things round against me. Yes, keep defending the poor people who ignore my DD. What a shame for them.

I've not quite read the full thread but the ages of the cousins jumped out at me as they were similar to me and my siblings and our cousin with autism who we only saw a few times a year (physical distance rather than emotional). His autism was explained to us and we took our lead from his older sister. Our uncle has complex sn so we had always known people with different rules but as a family we tried to include him without imposing. It is hard and I am sure our aunt could name multiple occasions when we got it wrong but we always were told what would work and what wouldn't and went with those structures. I think it might be worth sharing information with your whole family about what your child can handle/can't deal with on a visit by visit basis, when you don't have regular contact it makes it harder. As older teenagers we were able to include our. Olson in a non adult theme park trip and had a great time because we had a frank conversation about difficult flash points and how to avoid them. Our older cousin was with us but we didn't want her to feel she couldn't have fun. In short, the family needs to listen to you and you need talk to them.

My child is not small AndHarry. She is 8 and 4 ft 8 tall. That's where it gets more complicated.

I'm not blaming her.
While I can understand why it's hurtful, I'm just pointing out that other people may not mean to be unkind and are not necessarily awful people.
How is that victim blaming?

I do smile and wave back at small children who wave at me, and would at an older child too. I have however had aggro from parents who saw me doing this - twice in the last couple of years I've received a gobful of abuse about it. But that's twice out of dozens of occasions, and I still do it because I see how happy it makes the kid.

My DD didn't look at people other than (occasionally) me until this year. Now she does. She smiles at them sometimes if they smile at her, and will sometimes even reply if they say hello - she only started speaking recently and spoke to a stranger for the first time in February. It makes my day when someone encourages this! And it teaches her tiny little lessons each day about the world and the people in it; it teaches her that it's not that intimidating and she doesn't always have to pull her hat over her face if someone looks at her.

I do try to smile and wave at anyone who smiles and waves at me because it's basic courtesy. Unfortunately sometimes I just totally space out and have little absent moments where my brain turns to putty, so to someone waving, it would probably look like I'm ignoring them to be mean (resting bitchface sufferer here), when actually my head is just filled with static like an untuned TV.

As for queuing - I have hypermobility syndrome really badly in my knees, and to stand for a long time is really painful, but if a child was having a meltdown because of queuing, I wouldn't care if there's obvious SN or not, I'd offer for them to go in front. It's for the parent to decide whether they need to go in front or whether they're just being impatient and need to learn a lesson, not for me to decide - all I can do is make the offer. It's common sense and the right thing to do.

tunna I never implied that because you can't see disability, its not there. My mum is physically disabled and has epilepsy. I can't count the amount of times people have had a go at her and told 'you're not disabled' when she has parked in a disabled spot, purely because when you look at her she just looks like she walks slightly stiffly. I know exactly what people who don't have an obvious disability go through.

What I am saying is, that because some people take the piss they have had to increase the rules. So the child would only be able to go with one person (for example) meaning they would get to share the experience with the others in their group.

I know people (relatives) that have borrowed my grandfathers wheelchair, to take to Florida because they thought the whole group would get on the rides faster. And this behaviour is disgusting. My point was that some people ruin things that are there to help people like families on
This thread.

Disney now let you fast pass certain amount of rides at anyone time. It doesn't cost, but you do have to plan your day slightly more. I wonder if this helps? Its free and you get an allotted 20 minute slot. The queue itself is constantly moving in that queue so its more like walking on to the ride.

We need to do so much more as a society to include those with additional needs.

DH and I were in B&Q the other week looking at paint. There was a teenager in a wheelchair who had very obvious additional needs, she smiled and waved and DH and I. It was clear that her mental age was a lot younger than she looked. DH and I smiled, waved said hello back. The parents looked at us with a slightly strange expression. At the time, I thought that maybe they thought we were patronising their DD or maybe because they were further away when their DD they didn't see her saying hello to us and us responding.

Now having read some of the posts on here I realise that the parents might have been a bit surprised that we were engaging with their DD as most people must ignore her. That's really, really sad.

I wonder if the general public are less tolerant of teens and adults who have a lower mental age? (not sure if that's the right terminology, apologies if it isn't) I suspect they are.

Yes they definitely are.

Dixie..aww sorry. Didn't mean to depress you. You won't always cry. I didn't cry yesterday as have developed a big thick skin.

Well, that's depressing but I find it even so because I'm not surprised.

That post didn't make sense...what I meant was in not surprised but I find it even more depressing that I'm not surprised. We have so far to go still

Got some good understanding from staff again today. Cafe at the attraction we visited was crowded and DD wasn't too happy in queue. Manageress came over and told us quietly that she would open up the side room for us where there were more tables. What a difference it made. Also they let DD in for free

MassiveEggs I really didn't mean to suggest it was your daughter's fault if people are ignoring her waving, whatever their reasons may be. I'm sorry for giving that impression, and I really am sorry that your daughter and other children are ignored and treated badly. I understand it must be hurtful and I do feel sad for them.

I just meant that people don't always behave in the way that might be best, and it's not necessarily because they are judging you or your daughter or because they mean to hurt her.

Someone might be standing behind me in a queue one day while their child has a meltdown and it'll look like I'm just blithely ignoring them. They might think I'm judging their parenting or think I'm being rude and selfish in not offering to let them go ahead when really I would like to help, but because of my anxiety I physically can't speak and can't make even make eye contact with them to gesture to them to go ahead.

Then maybe later they'll pass a man in the street and the child will wave and say hello, but the man will ignore them. It could be that he's just heard that a strange man has been seen talking to children in the street and he doesn't want anyone to think it's him, or maybe he thinks the parents won't want the child to be encouraged to talk to strangers.

Sadly I know that some people are just cruel bigots. And I have nothing but sympathy for their victims.