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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect understanding and consideration for my sn boy?

200 replies

emkana · 04/04/2015 21:00

He has physical disabilities (mobility, vision, poor health) as well as autistic traits. He is bloody hard work but also adorable. How much consideration can I expect from a) other adults b) children?

Example: he struggles with taking turns. His older sistersunderstand and accommodate him. How much should I try and get other children to understand/expect their parents to explain to them?

OP posts:
awfulomission · 04/04/2015 21:39

Has something specific happened today?

My experience with family and my DS with SN is that they were pretty scared of him actually. They were worried about not coping if he had a meltdown while in their care, for example. DFIL is still supremely embarrassed about him. DMIL and DM are overcoming their anxieties and just taking him out now (and growing the thick skin needed when things go awry)!

parallax80 · 04/04/2015 21:40

I think YANBU to expect some consideration from cousins of that age, if they've been given an age appropriate explanation of why the "rules" don't apply in this situation. (I say that because at that age they might well still tend to be quite concrete in thinking and not necessarily be able to accommodate / be considerate on their own initiative).

FatFromAllTheMassiveEggs · 04/04/2015 21:40

One of DDs cousins imitates the noises she makes. Which is nice Hmm

Alisvolatpropiis · 04/04/2015 21:40

No of course, MassiveEggs. I guess offering with good intentions is better than being aware and just standing there.

I will keep that in mind, it's a sentiment which is applicable to life in general, really.

Original poster
emkana · 04/04/2015 21:41

I'm just so tired of my own family showing no sympathy or understanding, instead implying it's my poor parenting, which their kids pick up on and adopt.

OP posts:
TheFirstOfHerName · 04/04/2015 21:41

Just to share a positive story:

DS2 (13) has ASD. He is high functioning in many ways but socially very different from his peers. The DD of a friend (nearly 13) spent this evening at our house. Several times she tried to include DS2 in conversation, asking him about things she knew he was interested in. At one point, I heard her say: "So explain Minecraft to me." Lovely girl.

FatFromAllTheMassiveEggs · 04/04/2015 21:41

Thanks Alis :)

SaucyJack · 04/04/2015 21:41

I think you need to be clearer in how you want other people to respond to your son.

The queueing thing is a perfect example. Some parents would prefer it if you let them in front. Some parents are happy to wait their turn.

parallax80 · 04/04/2015 21:41

And I think I would have more expectations if they are only seeing him a few times a year - they might need more prompting / guidance about how to do that, but it's not like they're having to make concessions or changes every day!

MrsSpencerReid · 04/04/2015 21:41

I've just read this and it made me think, if I saw a child kicking off in a que I wouldn't offer for them to jump in front as I wouldn't want/expect my children to do anything other than wait their turn. However, if I was aware of the situation I wouldn't have any problem with someone jumping ahead but I'm not sure how you get round this, so please don't think everyone just being mean! Although thinking about it whilst reading this maybe I should offer and let parents refuse or not!!

FatFromAllTheMassiveEggs · 04/04/2015 21:42

I don't believe any parent whose child is having a meltdown would prefer not to go in front.

Alisvolatpropiis · 04/04/2015 21:43

That's so unfair of them, op.Can you speak to them plainly about their attitudes and the negative impact it is having across the board?

FatFromAllTheMassiveEggs · 04/04/2015 21:44

Emkana a good chat might help although I appreciate its not easy.

strawberryshoes · 04/04/2015 21:44

I think with cousins of that age their parents should have prepared them to be understanding for the day and they should be able to respond to his additional needs appropriately. If this didn't happen I'd be open with the adults that it made you feel sad and hurt they could not manage to be kind for just one day.

Lilicat1013 · 04/04/2015 21:47

Sorry you to the people feeling despondent today, there are nice people there even if at times they seem to be nowhere to be found.

Last year we took my son to Paulton's Park Christmas event, he was 3. We got a ticket to see Father Christmas at a set time, I assumed because of the set time there would be no wait. I was wrong, the was a massive walk through. It was dark, crowded, loud with random lights and noises going off constantly.

He kicked off completely, I was holding him sort of over my should because I didn't want him to get any other children. He was screaming, kicking and headbutting, There were no queue breaks where we could get out and I couldn't risk walking him back through because a lot of people had babies or toddlers in their arms and I was worried he would hurt them when he kicked out. There was no staff available and pretty much no escape.

Everyone near us tried to help, a older lady near us was particularly wonderful and got people passing the message down the queue that a staff member was needed. Then about thirty people moved out the way to allow us past and for him to see Father Christmas ahead of them.

The staff were kind and helpful and made sure we were all ok which was appreciated.

I think we are lucky we run in to lots of nice people. I hope you find some more kind and understand people in the future.

awfulomission · 04/04/2015 21:48

Ah, that is horrible OP. Apart from the damage they are causing to you they are doing their own DC a huge disservice.

If not you addressing this directly with them, is there a sort of go between you can speak to? Another sibling or, if you have one, your OH?

googlenut · 04/04/2015 21:51

The worst response we have had was from a family member who works with children with autism.

Lilicat1013 · 04/04/2015 21:52

i think if family wont make an effort though I would reconsider whether they needed to be round my child. Personally I think if they want to make negative comments or behave in a negative way towards them then they shouldn't see them.

With strangers you hope for the best but you should be able to expect more from family.

Original poster
emkana · 04/04/2015 21:52

Maybe, though it's tempting just to cut contact. I might have had wine Confused so feel quite emotional, though all the more appreciating my lovely dd's who are just the best sisters ever

OP posts:
mommy2ash · 04/04/2015 21:54

i agree that its likely people aren't sure there is a disability unless it is quite obvious or they don't want to step in and make the situation worse. it would probably be better if the parent could ask if the child could go first that would clear up any misunderstanding. of course there are always horrible people out there but usually its the minority.

my dd lets everyone go in front of her anyway so i wouldn't need to explain to her it takes about a half an hour for her to come down a slide lol.

i remember doing my shopping one day and a little girl about nine or ten who had obvious disabilities was with her mum and quite loudly shouting hi at people as they passed her. everyone just walked past and her mum seemed a bit embarrassed and tried to quiet her down. it seemed like i passed them in every aisle and when she said hi to me i waved and said hi and so did my little girl. she just beamed a huge smile at us and every aisle we passed the same thing happened. it was such a small thing for me but when we finally caught up again at the till (i swear i wasn't stalking them) the mum thanked me and said it really made her day as most people just ignore and it had made her day someone responded to her.

it only takes a second to think of others and what is no big deal at all to you such as telling your child to let the one behind you go first could mean the world to the child and parent who really can't help it.

TheUnwillingNarcheska · 04/04/2015 21:55

The age the cousins are at they should have empathy and understanding.

Ds2 is now 9 and had a boy with global learning difficulties in his class. I had known the boy from a playgroup they both attended when they were 2, he used to silk my hair (gently take a section of my long hair and clasp it in his hand and run his hand down my hair) ds2 also silked my hair and it used to upset him to see another child, a stranger to him, do it. But I still let the boy do it, his Mum was so grateful that I hadn't reprimanded her son because a lot of people would pull away from him.

As he got older his behaviour was easier to explain to ds2. The boy also struggled to take turns etc and we just explained that he didn't understand the rules of the games and we make allowances for that just like we would if someone was younger.

It is despicable that the cousins are not treating your son with kindness. Truly.

awfulomission · 04/04/2015 21:56

I have more or less cut contact with a friend who was like this. Easier than with family though. Perhaps just keep visits to a minimum and try to schedule them away from 'crunch' times like Xmas and Easter. Or not on those exact days anyway.

The urge to retreat, up the drawbridge and lick wounds is a strong one alright. Just think of your own lovely family and don't let the other gits spoil your BH weekend.

Lilicat1013 · 04/04/2015 21:58

Googlenut, that is horrible. Before I had children I used to see a lady at the bus stop a lot, she has learning difficulties and could often get frustrated with the process of getting the bus. Dropping her money or losing her ticket, then panicking and getting upset because she thought she might miss her bus.

I helped her when I saw her upset as did other people, I quickly realised many of the people helpful her working in care homes (I did at the time) or with service users with learning difficulties. Most people who work in those type of jobs don't leave their work at work. They generally have a personality that is willing to help a vulnerable person.

It makes me worry how your family member is at work. Not the sort of person who I would want looking after one of my boys to be honest, even if they behaved impeccably at work.

99pokerface · 04/04/2015 22:02

I am afraid it would send frankly a child kicking off would upset and scare my child she is adopted and gets very scared of any displays of aggesion

But whatever your childs SN I draw th Elaine at physically hurting my chikd

Original poster
emkana · 04/04/2015 22:02

I find myself really quite disliking these children which makes me feel guilty

OP posts:
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