to expect understanding and consideration for my sn boy?

[emkana]

He has physical disabilities (mobility, vision, poor health) as well as autistic traits. He is bloody hard work but also adorable. How much consideration can I expect from a) other adults b) children?

Example: he struggles with taking turns. His older sistersunderstand and accommodate him. How much should I try and get other children to understand/expect their parents to explain to them?

I think that's summed things up well SaucyJack

Saucy I'm genuinely interested in your personal experience of parents of SN children reacting badly to offered help?

It is more difficult.
Because we are constantly being told that we are scroungers. We want something for nothing. We want extra. We get perks.

When all the time all we want are reasonable adjustments to put our children on a level playing field with yours.

Not to have more than yours, to have the same. Which might take more resources granted but they won't get more from the end result.

When all we want is a little bit of understanding. My three all have an ASD diagnosis in common (amongst other complex needs). My eldest can queue easily, middle one not at all and youngest it depends on what else is happening around her. All 3 exhibit challenging behaviour for different reasons. We don't want you thinking they're being brats or that exit pass systems are 'entitled' - without them I doubt we'd be able to go out. We don't want you actively pulling your children away from the, like they have something contagious either. We don't want your sneering, your disdain.

Just let us be.

Iniac - of course each situation is different. That's my exact point. In some Situations strangers offering to let kids go first would be unhelpful.
It's down to the parents, not strangers in the queue to make that decision. I really do understand how difficult it is for parents but if they need their child to go first it's down to the parents to ask.

thornrose I know your question wasn't directed at me but on this thread alone there have been several examples given of parents reacting badly to offered help, so I would likely err on the side of caution and take my lead from them rather than risk unintentionally making a difficult situation even worse.

Oh, I'll re-read the thread then, I've clearly missed them.

Emkana, life is so short. Do you really have to spend time with your brother and his children?

My big bro has sn, and my cousins were fairly rubbish around him when we were kids. They took their cue from my aunt and uncle, who whilst not outrightly unsupportive, clearly didn't 'get' it.
They had good opportunities to teach their children about kindness and tolerance and they just didn't use them.
They reaped what they sowed though, as none of us kids have anything to do with that side of the family, as they continue to demonstrate selfish behaviour as adults, hardly having anything to do with their aging parents.

My mum still sees her dsis though, and I wish the 2 of them had met alone when we were little instead of inflicting them on us.

On the bright side, it has given my other siblings and I good judgement of others' characters, it often seemed as though the world was divided into those that 'got' it and those that didn't, and maybe as a result we all have kind, tolerant, inclusive partners who are happy to spend time with my lovely db.

My ASD son has problems with queues. This is how he explains it.

When Im at the back of a line it's fine as I can see everything in front of me. But when someone is behind me I can't see it and start imagining what if they hit me, what if they are doing something bad? Then I think they probably won't and I can calm down. But then another person joins the line so that's 2 people I start worrying about. One might be good, but one might be bad and push that person into me. I don't like people touching me as little touches hurt my skin so bad. If it's three people behind me I get worse and worse worrying about all the things that could happen and I get more and more scared.

emkana unfortunately that's the sad answer then. If your brother shows no understanding or support and classes your son as spoilt then his children (and possibly other close young relations) will believe he's right and take their cues from him. Very sad and disappointing that he can't be supportive to you both. Perhaps you need to tell him how it makes you feel or distance yourself if interacting with them leads to more upset?

if we're talking strangers & not family...

I'm not sure that 'education' makes sense. My problem with barely-know-them parents saying their child has X SN is that I never know what to do with the info. My brain is too small to become expert about every X SN. But if they said "Sorry he seems like a pain, it's because he has a problem with specific A B or C" I could be pretty sympathetic. Apologies for my small brain, but saying the explanation is X SN is confusing, because X SN sounds like a big thing I'll not get my brain around with a casual acquaintance / rare interaction. But if you explain the specific reason (difficulty with A/B/C) that is part of X SN I can roll with that info fine, because we're all weird about something and I don't need to know the details why you're kid is weird about ABC, especially since I don't otherwise know you from Eve. Don't try to give me bigger picture unless I need it.

That's a really interesting explanation Tunna and it gives some insight into the motivation as to why someone would want to skip a queue which isn't based on entitlement or lack of patience. Please can I ask how you mange this? It's seems like there could be a dilemma between removing the immediate aversive stimuli around the queue by maybe asking to go ahead of others or applying for a fast pass and the benefits of trying to help him tolerate these really difficult thoughts and feelings in order to be better able to manage situations which will require queuing in the future. I'm not trying to be inflammatory here, so I hope it doesn't come across that way, I'm just curious.

The problem though is that a lot of children with sn cannot either rationalise these thoughts like typically developing children can or switch them off. Having repetitive and worrying thoughts is part of many children's autism. So it's not quite as simple as teaching them patience. It's also about caring for the rest of your family as well- siblings get embarrassed if their brother is kicking off in a queue. We are thinking of others as well, other members of the public don't necessarily want to listen to a child having a meltdown. And then finally for us parents who are dealing with difficult circumstances on an often hourly basis, a fast pass just makes life a little bit easier.
Many people will be like us and avoid queues where possible but it is not always possible.

googlenut I really wouldn't begrudge anyone a fast pass in these circumstances it sounds incredibly stressful for everyone involved and I didn't want to suggest that Tunna's or your DC needs to learn 'patience' that would sound really pejorative, I suppose I was wondering more about developing skills in tolerating thoughts that can't be rationalised or switched off, for the sake of that individual and their future opportunities.

This is so sad to read

We went to lunch today and there was a lovely family there with two SN boys. They did a great job keeping them entertained; no one minded at all with the odd bit of screaming/crying. Tbh, the way I see it; if you're in a family restaurant at a family time (lunch, early tea) then you should expect it.

I see more NT children behaving worse than SN kids; running around getting under wait staff's feet, throwing plates, chairs, pestering other families...

Fast passes didn't exist when DN was small. They seem a great idea.

I'm not sure they would have worked for us because DN liked us all to do things together and it's hardly fair for 4 adults and 4 children to expect to jump the queue.

mythical that's why the Florida parks stopped disabled customers going straight to the front. In some cases the person in question and one carer can go early. But usually its a similar queue. You used to get 1 person with a disability and 8 other people. Makes general queues bigger, the bigger the queues the less people want to go to that park.

Fast passes in some circumstances is a good idea. Its just how to stop people taking the piss. I worked ay magic kingdom for 6 months, people exploiting the system is a real problem.

You couldn't write it. We were in a playpark today with DD On holiday. She loved it and loved there were other kids there.

She was shouting hello you and flapping. As she went past one boy aged about 9 he made one of THOSE "special" faces and did impression of her.

Luckily DD was unaware and left park happy. So I didn't say anything.

Tolerance and understanding has a LONG way to go eh.

Oh FatFrom

That's awful MassiveEggs, I'm glad your daughter didn't see though I can imagine how hurtful it was for you.

A lady thanked me earlier today for letting her son, who appeared to have SN's, pet my dogs. I was a bit taken aback that she'd thanked me, parents usually don't even pay attention as their children greet the dogs (not something I am always comfortable with tbh), but she came over and chatted a little, her son was lovely with the dogs and went away happy.

Given what MassiveEggs has experienced today, I guess I can see why she did thank me. Not saying I'm a Grade A Perfect Person by any stretch, but there seem to be a lot unpleasant types about.

I'm so sorry so many of you have a tough time with no one offering help.

I was out with my almost 2 year old who has no special needs but was throwing a tantrum and a lovely woman let me in front of her at queue for checkouts. She smiled and was so nice I could have cried. I can't imagine she would have ignored an older child having a meltdown either so there are nice people out there.

I would always offer to let an upset child or adult go in front of me in a queue. It wouldn't even cross my mind to think they may be upset at me offering.

OP you're family are acting very selfishly. Unfortunately the children don't seem to have good role models so are unlikely to be any better interacting with people who have sn in the future.

I would love to see more awareness of additional needs within school environment. My cousins went to a primary school that was attached to a special needs school. Classes were generally seperate but lunch, breaks, assemblies etc were mixed. It seems such a simple idea but means children would grow up with an understanding of people with different needs/ abilities.

I think it takes a lot more work than just co-location of schooling though, I remember being in a secondary school as a visitor and a child (who I'd guess had SN) threw their lunch tray down on the floor in what I assume was frustration at something and whole swaths of other kids gurning, doing flappy hand clapping and laughing at him.

Not sure what the answer is. Education about differences from a very young age maybe.

Like a pp above I have severe social anxiety and would struggle to initiate a conversation to offer to help. And then whether I did or didn't I would then spend the rest of the day going over it in my head, thinking I had done the wrong thing. If someone asked to go ahead in the queue or whatever then I'd happily oblige.

With regards to people ignoring children waving and saying hello, I think a lot of people are afraid if they respond they'll be branded a "paedo" for talking to a child they don't know. I doubt they mean to be rude or to upset the child they just don't want to put themselves at risk.

Really? By replying to a child's hello they'd be branded a paedophile? Really?

I think that's a really helpful contribution TheInEggibleChocEatingBunny as you raise lots of potential reasons why someone may ignore a waving child other than bigotry which I can see is probably the first assumption that a parent of a child with SN would make given some of the stories on this thread. FatFromAllTheMassiveEggs I'm so sorry that your DD was treated in that way, I'm assuming that those boy's parents weren't around. Children can act like a mob sometimes and be very cruel to anyone they see as different, I guess as a way of asserting their own status as part of the group. I think early education probably is the way forwards.