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Original poster

my children's estranged half sister wants to see them

311 replies

WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 02/04/2015 18:24

back story very briefly - my dds with DH are 1 and 6. dh has a daughter who is 18, from his first marriage. a few years ago, she decided she didn't want to see dh anymore, and didn't want to see her half sister. (obvs we only had dd1 then).

however she got in contact with me about a year ago, she found me on facebook and we have been chatting occasionally. and she is now asking if she can meet up with me and my dds soon as she would like to get to know them

have told dh and he is not happy about it and has the right arse. basically I think its toys out the pram that she wants to see her sisters but not him

I don't know what to do, I want my girls to know their sister but not to the detriment of dh and me, and also I don't want to risk my dds being potentially hurt. does anyone else have a situation that is anything like this?

OP posts:
Spotifymuse · 04/04/2015 08:40

I hope everything goes really well today and that you and the girls all have a great time. Hopefully as soon as DH stops being a petulant brat he'll realise that this is his opportunity to rebuild the relationship that he's destroyed with his child. All of these kids are lucky to have you OP.

maccie · 04/04/2015 09:22

I fully believe you are doing the right thing OP.

Your doing this for your your DSD.
Your doing this for your DD's.
Your doing this with the hope for a wider reconciliation of the family as a whole to ultimately benefit your DH.

Your DH seems only able to think about his own feelings and believes them to be the priority above everyone else's.

I really hope it goes well today for your DD's and your DSD.

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 04/04/2015 09:50

Thank you x

I'm so nervous Confused

OP posts:
maccie · 04/04/2015 10:14

In your position I would have to raise the question of how she sees this relationship with your DD's progressing into the future so that you can manage their expectations.

Does she plan to see them weekly/monthly/twice a year ?

Does she see this as a stepping stone to reconnecting with her dad ?

Is she just satisfying some kind of curiosity ?

She may not have the answers just yet but she does need to think about this as you have to prepare your daughters for that kind of ongoing relationship. They will be full of questions after your meeting and you need to be able to answer them honestly.

DSD is probably just as nervous as yourself if that makes any difference to you. Will be thinking of you.

woolymum · 04/04/2015 10:16

good luck today.
i think you are doing a brave and good thing building these bridges.
i hope that she proves to be a loving and kind big sister to your dc (and your dh grows up and gets his head out of his bottom - he is lucky to have you)

woolymum · 04/04/2015 10:19

oh, and i wouldn't put dh's feelings above those of all his dc's. as an adult he knows that life isn't all peaches and cream and should know the value of communication. the kids however have to learn this and the 18yr old deserves the opportunity to prove that she has learnt this too

maliaki · 04/04/2015 10:21

Good luck OP. I can understand his upset but using the silent treatment and punishing you...if she is manipulative as he believes, well it's obvious where she got it from then!

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 04/04/2015 10:22

Yes maccie I definitely agree there

And today's meet up is only going to be an hour or so, do people think that's a good idea.? As want to keep it light and casual

OP posts:
maccie · 04/04/2015 10:37

I would. Although I would explain it to DSD that I didn't want to pressure her into agreeing to things she isn't comfortable with yet, that your DD's will have a lot of questions regarding her sudden appearance into their lives and that you want to manage there expectations if she only sees herself with minimal involvement once in a while.

Another thought is maybe you could take your DD's somewhere else immediately after the meeting(cafe for cakes possibly) so that they can discuss and chat without your DH having to hear it. If he is still being sulky then you don't want him to make them feel that they can't ask questions or should feel bad about seeing their sister.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/04/2015 10:54

"Another thought is maybe you could take your DD's somewhere else immediately after the meeting(cafe for cakes possibly) so that they can discuss and chat without your DH having to hear it. If he is still being sulky then you don't want him to make them feel that they can't ask questions or should feel bad about seeing their sister."

This from maccie

Although I would have worded it "hurt from being rejected again" instead of "being sulky".

Best of luck white I hope that it goes as well.

SunnyBaudelaire · 04/04/2015 11:01

"IMO she is being incredibly manipulative"
you people are something else - fgs the girl was 12 years old!

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 04/04/2015 12:27

Bugger

Am waiting for her at the designated meeting place and she's not here Sad haven't heard anything and she's half hour late ....

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 04/04/2015 12:30

hang on a bit longer I suppose.
You are a good person whiteconverse...

MyArksNotReady · 04/04/2015 12:33

Did her Dad do that to her as a child?

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 04/04/2015 12:35

No he didn't. When he was seeing her he was always there when he said he would be.

I've text just to say we are here, but it hasn't been read. I think I'll give her till one.

OP posts:
maccie · 04/04/2015 12:35

Could you text her or send a message through Facebook. That seems to be the way most teenagers communicate. X

MyArksNotReady · 04/04/2015 12:40

If she has no Internet or service you giving her till one is a good idea. I hope this works out.

maccie · 04/04/2015 12:48

Maybe her nerves got the better of her OP. Maybe her bus didn't turn up as it's a bank holiday weekend and in my area that means a greatly reduced frequency. How are your DD's holding up?

However this turns out in the end OP you know that you gave it the best possible chance to work and you did it with the best intentions for everyone in your mind.

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 04/04/2015 12:50

She's replied saying she's got stuck at work and just finished, she's asked if she could come in an hour or 2 but I've got work too later so I can't wait Confused

I've text back saying no worries but explaining I've got to be at work and said can we do another day, hope that's ok with her

OP posts:
Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 04/04/2015 12:51

My dds are fine as I didn't tell them in case of her not showing

So they've had lunch and an ice cream so are happy haha Grin

OP posts:
RyanAirVeteran · 04/04/2015 12:52

I would arrange to see her again, but I would hasten slowly.

She should have texted you the minute she was running late.

So just hasten slowly.

MyArksNotReady · 04/04/2015 12:53

One more chance only.

maccie · 04/04/2015 12:56

Very sensible decision to hold back telling your DD's.

At least she did get in touch with you so you could stop waiting around for her.

Wishing it had turned out better for you all. X

zippey · 04/04/2015 13:00

She might feel a bit awkward about meeting. It has been a long time, and the longer you leave things the harder it can be to pluck up courage, especially for a face to face meet.

Perhaps she can write them a letter, which you and your husband can check before they get it. Or a phone call? These may act as an ice breaker before actually meeting.

LittleFluffyMoo · 04/04/2015 13:02

I'd leave it up to her to push for the next meeting, she may just need time to steady her nerves.

This is a big step she's taking, even without seeing your DH, and is probably stirring up all sorts of bad memories for her.

She may be an adult, but she's still a young one and dealing with a lot of hurt from her past. However, your DDs also need to have adults who are reliable around them.

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