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AIBU?

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Original poster

my children's estranged half sister wants to see them

311 replies

WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 02/04/2015 18:24

back story very briefly - my dds with DH are 1 and 6. dh has a daughter who is 18, from his first marriage. a few years ago, she decided she didn't want to see dh anymore, and didn't want to see her half sister. (obvs we only had dd1 then).

however she got in contact with me about a year ago, she found me on facebook and we have been chatting occasionally. and she is now asking if she can meet up with me and my dds soon as she would like to get to know them

have told dh and he is not happy about it and has the right arse. basically I think its toys out the pram that she wants to see her sisters but not him

I don't know what to do, I want my girls to know their sister but not to the detriment of dh and me, and also I don't want to risk my dds being potentially hurt. does anyone else have a situation that is anything like this?

OP posts:
Box5883284322679964228 · 04/04/2015 13:46

I would definitely be receptive to future meet ups. Once you've all got past the initial few meet ups things will be a lot easier.

I can't see any good reason to put her on a 'last chance'. People do get caught up or get nerves. Yes she should have text but she's also young and learning.

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 04/04/2015 13:50

She sounded really sorry that she couldn't meet

But I'll just leave it to her now, I've said we can rearrange another time so I'll let her take the lead

Thanks again ....I'm so glad I posted as the support has been brilliant ThanksBrewWine

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 04/04/2015 13:59

What a shame, all those nerves for nothing. But I think you are lovely OP and hope it does happen soon.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/04/2015 13:59

MyArksNotReady
"Did her Dad do that to her as a child?"

Why are you trying to blame the OP's DH for this?

wannaBe · 04/04/2015 14:22

People are making a lot of assumptions about the dh here based on very little information. All we know is that the dsd found out that her sm was pregnant before he had told her. This could have happened by e.g. a grandparent dropping it into conversation, something which the grandparent would have been to blame for if they'd been told in confidence because dsd hadn't yet been told.

At no point has the op indicated that the dh ever treated his daughter badly. But right now his daughter who decided she wanted nothing more to do with him six years ago has gone behind his back with his new wife thus ensuring she would cause a division in his family. She is no longer twelve, although I disagree that twelve year olds can't be manipulative, but the difference is that at twelve they don't have the maturity to get themselves out of that situation, however at eighteen she is no longer a child and is still being manipulative, letting the op wait for her before texting that she would be hours late etc.

There are a lot of people on mn who believe that a twelve year old should be allowed to decide whether or not they want to see a parent, and who would advocate a resident parent supporting that decision. but when you make those decisions as a twelve year old they can have far reaching implications. But you can't hide behind decisions you made as a twelve year old for ever, as an adult she is responsible for how she approaches things, and there are now children younger than her in the picture who need to be protected from the hurt she is able to cause.

mynewpassion · 04/04/2015 15:00

There's some on here just as easily want to castigate the DSD as her father. Cunt, manipulative are just a few names that she has been called.

Box5883284322679964228 · 04/04/2015 15:09

Wanna - there's no indication that DSD wanted to cause hurt today by being late.

Spotifymuse · 04/04/2015 15:22

Well so far Wanna she hasn't caused any hurt to the two other most important people in this scenario. Namely the OP's 2 children.
And that's because the OP is doing an amazing job of prioritising the feelings of all of the 'children' in this situation above the needs of the adults. And all credit to her for doing that, despite her nerves, and being punished with the silent treatment by a petulant man who is apparently unable to see past his own feelings and put those of his children first.

woolymum · 04/04/2015 15:32

i remembet seeing that you have facebook chatted but have you met her in person yet? might be easier to either meet her by yourself first to break the ice, or maybe arrange a day out somewhere where she can watch you and the kids first before approaching to help with the nerves? adult or not, she is rather young still and dealing with memories from her childhood which can make anyone regress a bit (there are plenty of adult siblings who bicker for eg)

flippinada · 04/04/2015 16:10

Sorry to hear things didn't go as planned White. Could be her nerves got the better of her.

This sorry of thing is nerve wracking enough for adults let alone a teenager. Maybe, as PP have suggested it might be better just the two of you at first, if you both want to of course.

I hope things work out for all of you Thanks.

drudgetrudy · 04/04/2015 16:14

You did your best OP and at least she knows that you didn't reject her and were open to meeting.
I would leave it with her now.

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 04/04/2015 16:28

I think she might have been nervous too

Although we did meet a few months ago just the 2 of us. As she asked to meet for a face to face chat. So not like Shes never met me but obviously must be scary the thought of meeting 2 "new" relatives

OP posts:
wannaBe · 04/04/2015 16:49

Yes, if I were the op I certainly would meet her without the dc at first, probably for the first several meetings in order to establish what her expectations/motives are and to establish whether she is genuine in wanting a relationship with her sisters.

the only reason the op's young dc haven't been disappointed this time is because the op didn't tell them they would be meeting her. It is clear from the dsd's actions today that she does not have the maturity to yet have an independent relationship with these two children.

If this was any other family member the advice would be to be very cautious in allowing a relationship to develop because of the possibility of them being disappointed, this advice isn't any less valid just because it's the dsd. Regardless of the actions she took as a twelve year old, the actions she took today, i.e. not showing up and then only texting much later on were her responsibility. She is not a child any longer. She was able to establish contact with her sm, she was able to articulate that she doesn't want to see her father. But regardless of whether her reason for the no-show was really that she had been at work or whether this was an excuse, she should have contacted the op before the expected time to let her know she wasn't going to show up.

Sallystyle · 04/04/2015 16:50

I'm starting to agree with Wannabe

The OP has given very little information about how it all went down.

All we have been told is that he was a great dad but she simply stopped seeing him because she found out from someone else that her sm was pregnant. Well, I'm glad my kids didn't stop seeing me when they had to find out some really bad news from someone else because some idiot saw them coming home from school before I got to them.

She was a kid yes. She isn't now. And she has gone about this badly, not involving her dad and now OP is not taking her husband's wishes into consideration which has caused tension and now SD hasn't turned up and didn't even bother to text.

I originally did not agree with wannabe but thinking and reading more I completely understand the husband being pissed off and think it is wrong for the OP to go ahead and meet her and I question the daughter's motives now. I have a feeling op she will give you the run around and her not texting is just the start of it.

flippinada · 04/04/2015 17:12

I don't think there are rule books on how this sort of thing should should be conducted, are there? It's very much a play it by ear situation.

Is interesting that some people are happy to give OP's husband the benefit of the doubt while heaping criticism on a teenage girl who has far less life experience and maturity than her father . Let's not forget we don't know what she has going on in her life either.

OP has handled all this with a lot of kindness and understanding and no doubt will continue to do so.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 04/04/2015 17:16

Why didn't she text when when she knew she would be late? Why did she leave you hanging round with the kids for nearly an hour? That is very rude .

TheMummalo · 04/04/2015 17:21

My focus would be putting my DC and husband first.

There is no way I would let some loose cannon into my DC's lives and drive a wedge with my husband.

Going behind her fathers back is manipulative.
Tred carefully OP. She's already got you calling your husband a cold twat. Imagine the emotional damage she could do to your DC.

It's for your DH to take the lead on this IMO OP.

letscookbreakfast · 04/04/2015 17:25

OP I've been reading this thread and whilst I think you are handling the situation really well, there are a lot of unanswered questions.

I'm now wondering if the daughter actually has any intention of meeting you and your children, she's bypassed her dad for some reason and you are not considering what he wants.

I really hope that there's a happy outcome but I think rushing into meeting was a mistake.

flippinada · 04/04/2015 17:26

Or, perhaps the OP is a grown woman who is capable of making up her own mind/assessing people's characters?

How sad (but not surprising) that people are determined to see the worst in a young woman without knowing anything about her.

TheMummalo · 04/04/2015 17:32

OP what is your husbands ex like?

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 04/04/2015 17:33

I do think she should have let me know beforehand but i will give her the benefit of doubt as I don't know if she's allowed her phone on at work etc

As I said i will just leave it with her now, she knows I'm happy for her to meet my girls

OP posts:
TheMummalo · 04/04/2015 17:39

They are not just your girls though are they.

Weebirdie · 04/04/2015 17:44

White, a few years ago I was contacted by a woman who is my half sister born to my father during the course of my parents marriage, and within a year 2 other siblings appeared who had also been born during my parents marriage. So thats 3 siblings to 3 different mums and what I want to tell you is that my sister who started the search had to back away from us about 6 months into things because she just couldn't deal with the reality if it all. She was 43 at the time and I think if a 43 year old can reconsider a move they've made then an 18 year old can certainly be cut some slack if they reconsider.

You've behaved wonderfully, well done Smile

Sallystyle · 04/04/2015 17:50

How sad (but not surprising) that people are determined to see the worst in a young woman without knowing anything about her

How sad that people are seeing the worst in a man without knowing him. Could go both ways couldn't it? it's not like the op has given us much information to judge either of them.

Perhaps her motives are genuine but that doesn't change the fact that the op has gone behind her husband's wishes by meeting his estranged daughter and involving their kids without him being a part of it. That is her choice but hardly surprising if it causes troubles in their marriage.

And yes, my girls? they are his too and this should have been a decision both you and your husband agreed on as he has every right to have a say in if they meet their sister. Perhaps he has a genuine reason to be worried about this as well. How much time did you give him OP to come around to the idea of his daughter meeting your children? If she asked and you jumped on the chance of a meeting without giving it any length of time then I can't blame him for being pissed.

flippinada · 04/04/2015 17:51

Agree weebirdie

White remember, you don't need to defend your actions on here, regardless of what some posters might say. Yes, she should have contacted you beforehand - it was rude not to - but given the situation I think she deserves to be cut a bit of slack - sounds like you are doing that anyway.

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