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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my children's estranged half sister wants to see them

311 replies

WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 02/04/2015 18:24

back story very briefly - my dds with DH are 1 and 6. dh has a daughter who is 18, from his first marriage. a few years ago, she decided she didn't want to see dh anymore, and didn't want to see her half sister. (obvs we only had dd1 then).

however she got in contact with me about a year ago, she found me on facebook and we have been chatting occasionally. and she is now asking if she can meet up with me and my dds soon as she would like to get to know them

have told dh and he is not happy about it and has the right arse. basically I think its toys out the pram that she wants to see her sisters but not him

I don't know what to do, I want my girls to know their sister but not to the detriment of dh and me, and also I don't want to risk my dds being potentially hurt. does anyone else have a situation that is anything like this?

OP posts:
Joyfulleastersquad · 03/04/2015 19:47

His blessing? What decade do we live in?

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/04/2015 19:48

HagOtheNorth

Depending on who is doing what to who on the threads on here, partners or family comes first is very often pointed out.

HagOtheNorth · 03/04/2015 19:57

OP is thinking about the family, long term and patiently and how to bring harmony to a relationship that has been fractured and spoilt for a long time.
Unquestioning loyalty to a partner sometimes means that you are doing them a disservice by not seeing a situation clearly and dispassionately and trying a different approach to your partner.
I'm better with my OH than without him, because we have two minds to apply to a problem.

flippinada · 03/04/2015 20:07

It strikes me that OP is navigating her way through what is a very difficult situation with what seems to be a good deal of thoughtfulness, sensitivity and tact.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/04/2015 20:15

Hagofthenorth

I agree, but that wasn't the point of my post. likeflippinada I think that the OP is "navigating her way through what is a very difficult situation with what seems to be a good deal of thoughtfulness, sensitivity and tact."

I had thought at the start of the thread that the DH was getting a bit of a rough ride. but his later actions have proved me wrong. Although I can still see why he would feel hurt by this.

LunaMay · 03/04/2015 20:16

Yes, just none of it's directed at her dh... He is just having a strop after all...

TheRealAmandaClarke · 03/04/2015 20:19

You sound lovely. Doing the right thing by your children.
Sorry your dh is being horrible.
Maybe the relationships board could help you sort through things for yourself.
Good luck for tomorrow.

Box5883284322679964228 · 03/04/2015 20:20

Oh yes DH is having a good old tantrum to get his own way despite it being utterly irrational.

Box5883284322679964228 · 03/04/2015 20:22

Why is he so set on things being done his way? Which could also be a highway to nothing. Why can't they be done DSD's way? A way she feels more comfortable with after such a huge absence.

flippinada · 03/04/2015 20:23

Thanks Boney :)

White good luck for tomorrow.

It could well be her DH is behaving in a way that's out of character (only OP will know the answer to that) because he's had a shock and/or isn't sure how to deal with this.

DixieNormas · 03/04/2015 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 03/04/2015 20:38

Thanks all.

Earlier on I decided I wasn't going to take his stroppy shit anymore and I took the dds and went to see my friend , telling him I'd had enough of his attitude

Came back a couple of hours later and he's calmed down loads, I think he realised I wasn't going to take his shit, but I think his calmness is just to avoid rocking the boat tbh

I just wish he could see sense

Anyway meeting is still on for tomorrow and I'll post again and update afterwards

Thanks for the good luck vibes. I'm so nervous for some reason

OP posts:
Box5883284322679964228 · 03/04/2015 20:55

You'll all have lots of fun. Enjoy!

Moln · 03/04/2015 21:25

You're doing great and well done for standing up to his mood. Even if the calmness is just for not rocking the boat it far out weighs the toxic silent treatment.

Best of luck with tomorrow.

flippinada · 03/04/2015 21:31

Hope tomorrow goes well OP :)

drudgetrudy · 03/04/2015 21:36

This is difficult and I think you have handled it well. Hope tomorrow goes well. Remember to avoid being put in the middle and try to keep it light.
Hopefully it will be the beginning of better relationships.

trappedinsuburbia · 03/04/2015 21:49

Although not excusing his behaviour I think your dh is incredibly hurt that it appears his dd is rejecting him all over again, i would try and explain to him that his dd is perhaps using this as an easier way to regain a relationship with him.

trappedinsuburbia · 03/04/2015 21:49

By going through you first

flippinada · 03/04/2015 21:57

I would guess that she approached her stepmum first because it feels 'safer' and is a way of testing the water. She could be scared of approaching her Dad directly because, rightly or wrongly, she is fearful of his reaction and the stakes are higher for her.

Clutterbugsmum · 03/04/2015 22:43

Or she tried reaching out to her dad and treating her the same way that he has for the last 6 yrs. So she reached out to OP.

LunaMay · 03/04/2015 22:50

Nowhere does the op say he treated her badly in that time, In fact she said he did make an effort but she just didn't want to see him.

flippinada · 03/04/2015 22:50

Yes, his reaction has not been great has it. Poor lass. Fingers crossed for tomorrow OP.

SunshineAndShadows · 03/04/2015 23:03

Good luck for tomorrow White you've done an awesome job in incredibly difficult circumstances

Starlightbright1 · 03/04/2015 23:23

I think there are so many unknowns on this thread. I can imagine your DS feels incredibly hurt and while not handling it very well at all has lost any support you could give him.

Good luck for tomorrow

MiddleAgedandConfused · 03/04/2015 23:49

Can see both sides of this one, but if it were me I would be putting DHs feelings before anybody else's. I can absolutely see why what you're doing is causing friction.