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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my children's estranged half sister wants to see them

311 replies

WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 02/04/2015 18:24

back story very briefly - my dds with DH are 1 and 6. dh has a daughter who is 18, from his first marriage. a few years ago, she decided she didn't want to see dh anymore, and didn't want to see her half sister. (obvs we only had dd1 then).

however she got in contact with me about a year ago, she found me on facebook and we have been chatting occasionally. and she is now asking if she can meet up with me and my dds soon as she would like to get to know them

have told dh and he is not happy about it and has the right arse. basically I think its toys out the pram that she wants to see her sisters but not him

I don't know what to do, I want my girls to know their sister but not to the detriment of dh and me, and also I don't want to risk my dds being potentially hurt. does anyone else have a situation that is anything like this?

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 04/04/2015 17:53

She doesn't have to defend her actions no, but by starting this thread surely she was happy to hear both sides, not just those that agree with her?

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 04/04/2015 18:04

themummalo

What's my husbands ex like? I don't want to say anything bad about her because I don't know her. So I'll stick to facts. when dh and I first got together she started making it difficult for dh to see dsd or telling him times to pick her up etc and then not being in, cancelling access at last minute etc, only letting him see her for very short times etc. I stayed out of it of course as was a new relationship for me, and therefore dh and ex and dd relationship nothing to do with me. (Although I did suggest at time he should go to court but because up till then ex had been reasonable he thought wasn't necessary)...this went on for months, until dsd stopped contact (well initially it was her mum saying dsd didn't want to see dh.)

After a few months exw started to send me abusive facebook messages, I kept blocking etc but she would just make up new accounts. I had to keep coming off Facebook as I was a bit scared of her tbh, and found it upsetting. Once she even found my number online from an ad for my business. So had to change my number. Some of them were wishing my kids dead and all sorts, but I daren't go to the police at the time as thought that would further alienate Dsd, even though dh said I should. And I never ever responded. I have heard she still writes stuff on Twitter slagging me and dh and the kids off. And it's been 8 years since we got together and ten since they were last together so I don't understand. I feel a bit sorry for her tbh.

So yeah, that's dsd mum....sorry for long winded ness

OP posts:
flippinada · 04/04/2015 18:05

Well of course, I don't disagree with you. If OP can handle this situation, I'm sure she can cope with differing opinions on AIBU :).

woolymum · 04/04/2015 20:46

the ex sounds difficult so its easy to see how a young girl would feel uncomfortable having a relationship with her dad and the 'other' family. who knows what kind of pressure she is dealing with.
as a much older adult i would feel conflicted so i think she has been very brave so far.
think you are handling it well op

woolymum · 04/04/2015 20:48

maybe she can meet the youngest first next time once the schools go back?
at 1yr old your dd doesn't need to know exactly who she is meeting if that takes some pressure off

Box5883284322679964228 · 04/04/2015 20:48

The mum sounded like she really struggled after the relationship ended. I wonder if this effected DSDs view/interactions with DF. Young and impressionable.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/04/2015 22:50

Box5883284322679964228
"The mum sounded like she really struggled after the relationship ended."

They are always seems to be an excuse for some and not others, maybe she should have done what those on the thread are saying that the OP's DH should do.

Box5883284322679964228 · 04/04/2015 23:31

Of course the mothers behaviour was unacceptable. She's been destructive

Box5883284322679964228 · 04/04/2015 23:33

Poor kid, sounds like both her parents only think about their own emotions

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 04/04/2015 23:37

So it's possible that DSD choice to not see her dad was influenced by her mother.

maccie · 05/04/2015 08:22

DSD would have been influenced by her mothers behaviour at the time and as a 12 year old it would have been too hard to go against her mothers viewpoint.

Although she may now see that influence more clearly, she is still going to be very conflicted when it comes to her view of her father. It doesn't sound like the mother has mellowed her view over the last 10 years so it will be very surprising to me if she is planning this reunion with her mothers knowledge. It will be a very big deal to stand up against her mother so she is understandably nervous of the fallout her actions could cause.

With the greatest respect OP, DSD is risking a lot for a dad that to her hasn't been there so far. I know you state it was her choice but it seems like DH gave up when DSD said she didn't want to see her. To her DH still just gave up on her.

DSD is possibly testing the waters by seeing only your DD's at the moment. Less of a betrayal if her mother was to find out.

Actually that could also be a reason for the no show yesterday. Perhaps the mum met her after work ? Or had plans that were changed and so DSD's abscence would be noticed.

Maybe I'm way off the mark with this and she has discussed with you her mothers feelings on this but if it's even possible that's it's being done covertly by DSD then it could explain her motives.

DSD has made this attempt at reconciliation at 18. The first time that she would be justified as an adult to make that choice. This won't make it any the less scary for her though.

I would cut her some slack personally.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/04/2015 09:13

"DSD is risking a lot for a dad that to her hasn't been there so far."

We really don't know what the father has or hasn't done in this.

maccie · 05/04/2015 09:46

I am saying that to DSD he hasn't been there since the age of 12. OP stated that the ex made it very difficult for a few months regarding contact for DSD and it then stopped after being told DSD didn't want it to continue. There does not appear to have been any further contact since OP's DD's arrived.

To the DSD it would seem that he hasn't been around.

I'm not minimising how difficult it is for the NRP when the resident parent obstructs contact but that won't change how it seemed to the 12 year old stuck in the middle of that situation.

The point I was making was that to the now 18 year old DSD is risking alienating the parent that was present for a possible relationship with the parent that wasn't, and that this make her nervous.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/04/2015 09:47

OP said he had tried to be there for her. We don't know what she was told, the mother could have claimed that she didn't want to see her father and told DSD that her father wasn't interested in her anymore.

maccie · 05/04/2015 10:26

Yes I believe that is a real possibility in this case. We don't know what the DSD has said herself in the past or what she has been told by her mother.

I just wanted to say that this young woman (and 18 is young) is trying to make tentative steps to rebuild communication with her siblings/father and doing that under the gaze of a dominant adult who has managed to fracture the father/daughter relationship once will be a hard position to be in.

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 05/04/2015 10:32

Yeah I don't know if she would have told her mum, I hadn't asked, perhaps I should have? Although was planning to casually ask her face to face if she had told anyone of her plans when/if she does meet us

Her mum hit the roof a few months ago when she found out dsd had met up with me and messaged dh saying along lines of "don't expect it to lead to a reconciliation dsd hates you all and doesn't ever want anything to do with you and your kids" etc. She also told dh to tell me to block dsd on facebook but I didn't because I figured if she didn't want contact or to have me on Facebook then she could delete\block me herself. All contact had come from her in the first place anyway ie adding me on facebook, messaging me, wanting to meet etc

It's very strange Confused

OP posts:
maccie · 05/04/2015 10:51

So her mother is still trying to put a stop to contact then even though DSD is now officially an adult.

I really feel sorry for both your DH and DSD. I can imagine that if she is sending messages like that in an attempt to shut down contact from your end when she has no control over the situation at all, then the pressure she will be putting on DSD will be immense.

Take hope from the fact that however slowly it's happening DSD is trying to establish new links with your family. That takes guts.

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 05/04/2015 11:46

Yes it seems that way

Dsd seems very headstrong and strong willed (like her dad...) though so I'm sure if this is what she wants she will do it regardless of anyone's opinions

OP posts:
middleeasternpromise · 05/04/2015 11:53

I think you are playing with fire OP you have no idea what's going on in this young woman's mind and putting 'your girl's ' in the middle of it is risky. She made contact with you why can't you spend some time getting to know her - you can introduce her to the children by photos and talking about them. Your husband isn't coping and your attitude is well I'm doing it anyway! He has lost one daughter and whilst his fears about this situation turning bad may be unfounded surely you can see why he would be anxious? The ex wife has lost none of her anger and feels strongly enough to get back in touch and warn you off yet you still want to bring young children into that dynamic? The 18 yr old probably realised she was opening a can of worms if she kept her meeting with you - she has an angry mum, an estranged dad and a step mum who thinks it can all be managed with separate relationships I think you are over simplifying a very complex situation and the 18 yr old probably knows that better than anyone because it's been her life. If you want to be the fixer spend time with her only she's still very young she will tell you exactly where it's all at then you can decide if now I s the right time for very little children to be put in the middle of it.

MyArksNotReady · 05/04/2015 12:58

I was going to suggest again the sd is doing to you what her dad did to her as a child and the Mother is angry at you and the ex your DH for messing her child about. Then I read Mum tried to block the relationship. What is the content of the abusive messages?

Just to let you know. Ex would mess my dc around be late not shoe up. I saw later on bank statements he was in hotels and all sorts at those times. He could have told his gf anything. I know he lied and told people the story you tell it wasn't me it was him. I was angry at him and his gf. As she and I didn't speak she never got my side I never got her side. Like your DH my ex was one for the silent treatment and angry. Could he be angry by you seeing his first born that his lies will be found out?

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 05/04/2015 13:12

No he always saw her when he was supposed to. I have no reason to believe he didn't, and as Dsd has been in touch with me for quite a long time she's had the chance to tell me

I'm sorry to hear what your ex did, that's awful

OP posts:
MiddleAgedandConfused · 05/04/2015 13:34

middleeasternpromise - brilliant advice.

MyArksNotReady · 05/04/2015 13:38

Op did well she didn't tell her dc about meeting their big half sister. They think they just had a nice lunch with Mum.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/04/2015 14:04

I think mum is the deeper reason I mentioned earlier, it could also explain better, DH's behaviour. He knows what his ex is like, he might be worried about you and all the girls.

Didnt you say she wished your DC dead?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/04/2015 14:06

Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if DSD found out about your pregnancy from her mother and spouted some bile about her being replaced.