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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Idiot mother and bully daughter

184 replies

ChickenDipper22 · 01/04/2015 15:48

My DS is only 7 months and sits in front of me in a walker at playgroup as he can't even move around in it yet so is not running around causing trouble or anything. There is a little girl of about 3 years old there who is just a little bully, she hits and pushes everyone and the mother does absolutely NOTHING, she pushed another child off the top of a slide a few weeks ago and again the mother just sat there and said nothing. Anyway, last week she came over to DS and bashed him across the head with a plastic brick really hard for no reason whatsoever, he screamed the place down, it was about a millimetre away from his soft spot.
This week I kept my eye on her so knew it was coming.. She walked over with a sharp wooden toy and started hitting him on the head, luckily I'd put my hand on top of his head just on time to protect him!
AIBU to be really angry that this mother just seems to not give a shit whatsoever? She will just sit there and watch her do it time and time again and not even get up off her seat or tell her it's wrong! ð??¡

OP posts:
yomellamoHelly · 02/04/2015 16:19

I would be intervening before she even came anywhere near my child and disciplining if necessary (taking hand, marching back to mother, detailing behaviour and telling mother to keep her away). Ad nauseum. No go ground round my child for that particular child.

Gileswithachainsaw · 02/04/2015 16:22

Not needing to look harassed. just needing to actually shift her arse.

and not laugh

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 02/04/2015 16:43

She just sits there and does nothing, she helps tidy up the end and that's it, the playgroup leader is leaving soon and suggested that she (the mother) might like to take her place as she has good organising skills!!
Really??? She can't even control her own child ! Confused

OP posts:
zzzzz · 02/04/2015 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 02/04/2015 16:57

I really can't believe the people saying a 3 year old hitting a baby over the head and pushing kids off slides is perfectly normal and acceptable behaviour
Perhaps the little girl has a developmental delay or some sort of health problem

It isn't 'normal' but nor is it 'abnormal'. There is certainly no reason to suspect developmental delay with no other information.

Many small toddlers are heavy-handed - one of my DGC loves pulling hair and smacking. No idea why unless it's the yells she gets in response! She is only a baby still, but she is told off and her hand is grabbed to stop her, but she still goes for it again. She may well, in spite of everyone's efforts, still be doing it at 3. She will however, be watched like a hawk and stopped if she moves towards another child to hurt.

It does make playgroups and socialising quite stressful though...

Coyoacan · 02/04/2015 17:09

I'm sorry, it is unlikely that there is some medical reason why this child cannot be restrained at least from hurting other children.

IMHO, some people feel absolutely no need to teach their child how to behave in society.
My ex-friend who permitted my dd to hit and throw stones at other children was otherwise a highly educated and very conscientious mother.

MagentaOeuflon · 02/04/2015 17:16

But actually, it doesn't matter if the child has ASD or any other SN. It's important not to let any child dangerously attack a baby, for whatever reason - for the sake of the baby. As others have said, if your child can't behave safely around a small baby, then it's your job to hover, watch them closely and step in. SN may help to explain why they behave a certain way, but it doesn't mean nothing should be done about it.

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 02/04/2015 17:45

They all speak to her just the same as everyone else, she's just as included as everyone else but I do know that the other mothers also feel that she should be doing something about it instead of sitting and watching, I don't think they really want her to run it, I think they just said it, they said something about her being the oldest and having experience...... Experience in what though? Ignoring her child when she's hitting and bashing others..

All of the mothers always tell her when her daughter is hitting someone so she's not oblivious to it but she will just sit there and wait for the mother of the child who's being hit to go and get their crying kid instead of her sorting hers out and telling her it's wrong. I think that the little girl assumes she can always have whichever toy or whatever she wants even if someone else is playing with it because she's never been told no or never been told off after she's snatched it / hit someone

OP posts:
zzzzz · 02/04/2015 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 02/04/2015 19:57

What is bizarre about it? Yes I've just said, they all do something about it, we have all told her numerous times that her child is hitting, lots of mothers have told the child not to and that it isn't nice to hit others but her mother continues to do NOTHING!

OP posts:
zzzzz · 02/04/2015 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 02/04/2015 20:41

Well if "no" isn't working for the mother then she needs to try a different approach not just ignore it and allow her to hit others.

No it isn't just babies, I never said it was just babies. I said she also pushed another child off the top of a slide. She dragged a little boy off a trike as well. I don't know if she plays nice or looks unhappy all the time as I don't constantly watch her.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 02/04/2015 20:50

Zzzzzz Are you really suggesting that because "No" doesn't work, that the mother should just sit there and laugh when being told her child is hitting others?

And people told no by a stranger is a lot different than being told by the main authority figure.

She needs to step in and remove her child and if she has to do that for months or years, then that's what it will take.

zzzzz · 03/04/2015 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 03/04/2015 07:41

I'm sorry, zzzzzz but what is so Shock about tell the coordinator, get some numbers (which I changed to members) behind you

I was suggesting is because of op has had trouble with this child & parent, then others have too. If op & some other members talk to the coordinator, there would be more influence.

I'd like to know why that is shocking!

Could it be that they all know the reason and so accommodate her but aren't helping newer members to see what's expected? If I started a new playgroup & the coordinators told me that child X frequently hits babies with blocks, mum doesn't do anything, we just have to 'expect' it, because she has her reasons, I wouldn't stay... I'd for the hills! You don't accommodate a toddler hitting babies with blocks while mother sits back & does nothing! Something IS causing it..the fact that her mother cannot be arsed to stop it!

2boys2girls · 03/04/2015 08:15

What does the mother actually say when you approach her?
This is a hard situation , you could be talking about my dd, except I don'tsit back i remove dd explain its wrong sit in corner face to wall etc etc she still will show aggression to some children luckily (if I can say luck) its her age group she targets,though ssometime its lack of understanding of sharing/turn taking etc even accidental behaviour ie when a child accidentally runs into her etc she lashes out as think ythey've hurt her, which technically they have .agreed she younger than 3 but its still hard as a parent at times when others so judgemental, I actually used to be as my others were never really line this ... I would be mortified if was asked to leave as one said had happened :( I have stopped going to a lot of groups just sticking to the two she is "better" at, or I mix with the mothers of other children with same characters as they show some sort of "respect,
End day the mother here is more at fault than her dd

ohtheholidays · 03/04/2015 10:40

Who ever runs the playgroup should tell the mother that she either deals with her child's bad behavior or she'll have to leave the playgroup.

And that is rubbish that all older children hurt babies.What planet are some posters on!We have 5DC and 2 of ours are autistic,none of ours have ever hurt a baby or another child ever.They never raised a hand to one another either.

It sounds like the little girl is exhibiting the spiteful behavior for attention.Anyone that knows anything about children knows that bad attention is better than no attention at all in a child's eyes.

The playgroup leader ignoring the child's bad behavior and her mum's lack of parenting will not do the little girl any favors in the long run.That kind of behavior will not be excepted in a Nursery or school setting.Children as young as 3 have been expelled from Nursery's for behaving in the way the little girl is.

In order for you all to protect your own children,if the Mum won't tell her child then you all need to!Tell her No in a stern voice,if the mother complains or challenges any of you stand up to her!Tell her that what her child has done to the other children could have ended up with any one of you having to take your child to the hospital,ask her how she'd feel then!

zzzzz · 03/04/2015 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 03/04/2015 11:25

Zzzzz I think we all know your opinion now

OP posts:
zazzie · 03/04/2015 11:27

A nursery that expels a 3 year old for hitting would be on very dodgy ground.

bimandbam · 03/04/2015 11:47

At the playgroup we regularly use there are 2 dcs at 3 who regularly behave in this way. They snatch, hit, push and kick the younger dcs.

One is there with his gran. One.with his mum. Gran constantly supervises her dgs. She follows him about constantly and removes him from any situation that is likely to end un tears. if he does hurt or upset another dc he is made to apologise.

She has explained that he is the youngest out of 5 boys and they sound crazyfun boys but very boisterous. He is simply copying what his brothers do at home but lacka the control of a 5 or 7 year old.

The other little boy is simply left to it. And as a result is a little hooligan. He often gets into trouble from the group leaders. Non of the older dcs will play with him and he spends a lot of the session unhappy or in trouble.

His mother drinks a lot of coffee and moans how difficult he is.

I think if your dc needs help with social situations you offer that help like you show them how to use a pottt or eat with a spoon. Part of being parent.

BinarySolo · 03/04/2015 11:50

But it's not a nursery. It's a playgroup where parents are suppose to be supervising their own children. This mothers failure to deal with her dd is actually bordering on antisocial. She's been told repeatedly by other parents about her daughter's behaviour and has failed to act or even apologise. Sitting, shrugging and laughing is not making any attempt to control her dd.

It's not for other parents to pick up te slack so she can enjoy her coffee in peace.

MadgeFinn · 03/04/2015 11:52

If a child persistently hits and the mother refuses to do anything then why shouldn't the nursery bar them. Should everyone just allow their babies to be used as a punch bag by this child.

MadgeFinn · 03/04/2015 11:53

Sorry, I mean play group.

zazzie · 03/04/2015 12:03

I was referring to a comment about nurseries expelling a child that behaves like this and that they cannot because when a child has this type of behaviour there is a strong possibility of sn.
I agree the mum should be doing more to prevent it although telling off or time out will not be effective if the child has little understanding.