Idiot mother and bully daughter

[ChickenDipper22]

My DS is only 7 months and sits in front of me in a walker at playgroup as he can't even move around in it yet so is not running around causing trouble or anything. There is a little girl of about 3 years old there who is just a little bully, she hits and pushes everyone and the mother does absolutely NOTHING, she pushed another child off the top of a slide a few weeks ago and again the mother just sat there and said nothing. Anyway, last week she came over to DS and bashed him across the head with a plastic brick really hard for no reason whatsoever, he screamed the place down, it was about a millimetre away from his soft spot.
This week I kept my eye on her so knew it was coming.. She walked over with a sharp wooden toy and started hitting him on the head, luckily I'd put my hand on top of his head just on time to protect him!
AIBU to be really angry that this mother just seems to not give a shit whatsoever? She will just sit there and watch her do it time and time again and not even get up off her seat or tell her it's wrong! ð??¡

Sorry, meant the other kids DON"T act like this.

For clarification, yes they argue, moan, take toys off each other and fall out but hitting - no. There are some that do sometimes but just this one that does it all the time who's mum does nothing and that makes her an idiot.

MTW I didn't disagree that the parent should have intervened but that still doesn't mean the op child might not be seen as the 'bully' in a few years time and she might not notice him do it.
I've also seen many first time mums all up in arms at Playgroups over their baby being hurt, adamant it was in purpose when it was in fact an accident.

Why should the OP have to play with the child zzzz? So the mother of naughty child gets to have a break whilst the mother of baby has to entertain both children. Really?

MTWTFFS, I'm with you. I have 4 dc's and would not allow them to behave like that.

Shout at the child. Stop the whole room with your voice raised if you have to. Shame the mother into doing something. Failing that, march said child back to mother and give mother a mouthful. That should sort it.

I'm betting this is your first? One day he will be the big lumbering 3 year old that hits. Best not be too smug

Erm not really. The "all children do it" argument is so weak.

My DD is 8 and has never so much as raised a finger on another child - she has the, permanent, scars though to prove other kids do it.

If the mother does nothing then discipline her yourself. A sharp "no" should bring her up. If not, discuss with the leaders of the playgroup that they need to suggest that unless she's willing to control her offspring she isn't welcome

Or perhaps she is dealing with more than just the average toddler years difficulties? said zzzz

That still doesn't give her the right to hurt a baby - she should be keeping a closer eye on her if that's the case.

I'm with you OP, I hate this. Some kids do hit (or bite etc.) as toddlers and that is normal BUT the parent should step in and tell them no and apologise (or get them to if possible) every time. At 3 I would have explained quite clearly that if they are violent to other kids they get one warning and then go home - and follow it through. It's important to do this, not just to help the child learn, but to show other parents you care and to let the other kids see it's not on.

OK maybe 3 is a bit young to call her a bully, however if the mum carries on not doing anything about it, she may eventually have a very b=nasty 8/9/10yo bully on her hands and then it will be a lot harder to deal with.

We made friends with another family when their DS was 3ish, I was always shocked by his behaviour and their total failure to address or control it, but at 3 I let it go. By 9, I'm sorry but he was a horror and we don't see them any more after one too many violent incidents aimed at my DC.

This is why I avoided play groups where there was a mix of babies and toddlers.

IME there's always one child who is poorly supervised and goes around terrorising the rest. Next time this child comes across, be firm and loud if you have to. Don't rely on her mother doing anything.

I think that most children go through a phase of hitting/pushing etc, but the difference is that most parents are on top of the behaviour and managing it so other people's kids don't get hurt. Eventually the message gets through and they get over the phase. You simply cannot allow a toddler to bash a baby over the head. It's unpleasant at best, dangerous at worst. It's true that OP will eventually find herself on the other side of this scenario, but hopefully she'll be smart enough to actually parent her child instead of letting them run around unchecked.

ooo I have a similar (but not as violent) OP going on at the moment. And yes - the mother is being an idiot! In this situation I would have no problem in telling the child off (loudly) and having a word with the mother. And if you get no response complain to the group leader.

Yes - it's a common thing for kids that age to do but it is also a common thing for the parent to intervene EVERY time and stop it from happening. Otherwise this little girl is never going to learn and might not have many friends in the future.

Kids not a bully, but her mother needs to step up. It's not acceptable to sit on your arse sipping your coffee whilst your kid belts the others.

As others have said, you see her coming and say "No!, we don't hit". Nice and clear and authoritative.

TBH that's never failed to galvanise any mother I've met, but on the off chance you are really unlucky you'll need to have a word with the organisers. Ours were always onto bad behaviour sharpish, word soon gets round otherwise.

those saying why dont you help the 3 yr old, OP is not there as a childminder, and while i'm pretty sure she wouldn't mind the odd bit of interaction, the mum should be dealing with this behaviour - the mum is at fault more than the 3yr old

"I have a 3 year old boy. If he hit a baby, or anyone else for that matter he'd get a big telling off, no way would I laugh it off." (quote from Bumble)

One day he will be the big lumbering 3 year old that hits
Sorry, don't agree with that.

op I am afraid there is usually one of these mothers, at play groups

and no not every toddler will hit other children. but its the mother where your angst needs to be directed.

i would have a quiet word with play group leader, and ask for a memo to be given out about monitoring childs behaviour at all times so all dc can play safely, then a list of useful strategies to deal with bad behaviour. dont name names.

zzzzz - Or perhaps she is dealing with more than just the average toddler years difficulties?

EVERYONE has stuff they have to deal with. You can't expect exemptions from strangers.

Also, what if the parent of the kid being hit is going through "more than just the average toddler years" too?

Hitting other children is behaviour that should always be picked up on by the parent. How will they know it's wrong if they're not told off? being boisterous is one thing but aggressive is another. I'd tell her off loudly and sharply, so that she learns it from somewhere.

When DS2 was small, he was pushed off a slide at soft play twice while the little thug's mum watched passively chatting to her mate. I asked her to stop him and she said, 'he's only two, he doesn't understand.' So I said, 'he never will if you don't teach him.' She looked like that thought had genuinely never occurred to her. I also said I'd tell him off next time if she didn't. No shame at all in a bit of community effort to stop children hurting each other.

There is no way I would accept my dc hurting another, one warning then home.

of course a 3 year old can be a bully. if you have a bullying 3 year old and don't address the issue properly then you will have a bullying, 8 year old, senior school age child, and then a bully of an adult.
That's how many bullies are formed by their parent refusing to accept a small child can be a bully.
Do you accept some children are shy? some are sociable? some are outgoing? well exactly the same is that some are more aggressive. some are less friendly etc.

Coming from the perspective of a hitter's mum, the 3yo's mum is being utterly crap.
Really really crap.
However, maybe she's got a child like mine, and is so exhausted by the constant stress she's given up.

My eldest was a biter, hitter, scratcher, and everything in between - and if he made contact with another child (because I blinked for a millisecond) I was straight over apologising and reprimanding or removing DS.

Not that it made a blind bit of difference to DS tho, it took him til 3.5 to stop lashing out.
The assertion upthread that this behaviour was learnt is utter bullshit - I do not bite, hit, or bang my head on radiators, and sure, DS was at the far end of normal toddler behaviour, but nonetheless it is often normal. I'm sure there are toddlers who learn to hit from older siblings/family etc, but I can guarantee a lot of them are just showing a less than great facet of normal toddler behaviour as they learn to deal with emotions and social situations.

Really tho OP, you need to step up, the mum is taking a backseat because no one is being firm enough - either she deals with her DD properly and helicopters her until the phase is over, or she stops attending the playgroup.

Next time, tell her dd we don't hit, it's not very nice. If she does that again, tell her mother.

I don't think it is as common as some make out. My son (19
months) currently likes to push people. His older cousins play fight and now he thinks it's how you make friends and play but I am behind him every time. Either he is stopped before he can pushed, or he is told off afterwards. So I too would get annoyed by the situation. Not by the child, but by the mother doing sod all about her daughter.

Op either tell the child off yourself or complain to the mother. Failing that the group leader.