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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Idiot mother and bully daughter

184 replies

ChickenDipper22 · 01/04/2015 15:48

My DS is only 7 months and sits in front of me in a walker at playgroup as he can't even move around in it yet so is not running around causing trouble or anything. There is a little girl of about 3 years old there who is just a little bully, she hits and pushes everyone and the mother does absolutely NOTHING, she pushed another child off the top of a slide a few weeks ago and again the mother just sat there and said nothing. Anyway, last week she came over to DS and bashed him across the head with a plastic brick really hard for no reason whatsoever, he screamed the place down, it was about a millimetre away from his soft spot.
This week I kept my eye on her so knew it was coming.. She walked over with a sharp wooden toy and started hitting him on the head, luckily I'd put my hand on top of his head just on time to protect him!
AIBU to be really angry that this mother just seems to not give a shit whatsoever? She will just sit there and watch her do it time and time again and not even get up off her seat or tell her it's wrong! ð??¡

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 01/04/2015 23:23

It was deflected because op was watching her and expected her to do it ergo she was able to jump in and stop it.

it wasn't deflected through any thing anyone actually did about it. and anyone who didn't know what this child was like, well their child was likely to be hurt in the same way.

no collective examples of behaviour or parenting solved anything at all

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/04/2015 23:24

If she'd suddenly turned to sneeze or get something put of her bag her baby would have been hit again.

It was luck not anything else

zzzzz · 01/04/2015 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/04/2015 23:30

The issue is more with the mothers lack.of effort. I'm. Sure the child would learn pretty quickly if the mother removed her and made her sit in a time.out or go home or whatever.

If she's thus oblivious in public just imagine how much she's allowed to get away with at home

AliceLidlsWhiteChocolateRabbit · 01/04/2015 23:39

"(Who got pushed off a slide?)"

Another child at the playgroup was pushed off the slide, by the same girl who hit the Op's baby on his head. OP said so in her first post.

I agree you have to watch your own child to prevent issues in a playgroup where the age range is anything from tiny babies to pre-schoolers of four or five, which is all people are saying this girl's mother needs to do.

Watch her own child and try to prevent the issues she is causing, and deal with her daughter properly if she does manage to hit or hurt another child.

Otherwise people are either going to complain about her to the playgroup, or stop going to the playgroup themselves which may end up closing it down, or they are going to be shouting at her daughter to go away before she even reaches their child, and none of that is going to help anybody.

zzzzz · 01/04/2015 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coyoacan · 01/04/2015 23:51

Have just read the first page and I am gobsmacked at the people who think that 3 year olds hitting babies over the head, while the mother doesn't do a thing, is acceptable. Whao, just whao...

Though I did have a friend like that, perfectly capable of telling her daughter off for other things, but never for hurting other children. Children will do these things until they learn that it is wrong, if the mother just sits there thinking this is normal, they should be surprised when their child gets into more serious trouble when they are older and is somewhat friendless.

Gileswithachainsaw · 02/04/2015 00:04

But its not their job to manage said child.

everyone has their limits and I could well assume that the young mum of four or the new mother of twins had enough on their plate just getting out the house to the group without suddenly having to take on the management of someone else's child.

they'd need that undisturbed cup of coffee as much as the child's mum.does.

I do alot of what you mentioned. I've smiled and said not to worry/it's ok to the poor mum.legging it after a toddler who's thought my Dds toy was fun to take/throw.

I've smiled and said hello and spoken to a child who's just pushed mine. politely said, no. or asked that a kid stop throwing balls at my kids faces. calmly and politely.

I've directed upset or hurt toddlers back to their mums

I've also been the one apologising for my Herd of elephants child who's accidently fallen into someone. or the one with the loud screaming child in the corner.

luckily for the most part incidents are few and far between but dd2 takes more watching than dd1 did to.ensure this.

but if a groups a regular thing and this happens every time I don't think its fair to expect people to put up with it no matter how sorry they feel for the child people are generally more understanding if they see the parent making the.effort.

zzzzz · 02/04/2015 00:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zazzie · 02/04/2015 07:17

The child might not learn very quickly. Some don't. Doesn't excuse the mother doing nothing of course.

Binkybix · 02/04/2015 07:25

I would certainly stop the 3 year old hurting mine or someone else's child, but I don't think that's the same as the consistent message or discipline the child should be getting from her parent each and every time.

You seem to be missing the point that the mother does nothing so the child may be a slow learner but that's not going to be helped if, you know, the mum doesn't teach her.

Of course you may be right and the mum may do her job in other circs, but it seems unlikely to me. Why do you think this would be the case when she's been specifically asked about it and just shrugs in this environment? I think most people would be supportive if there were some efforts to support.

Untrevive · 02/04/2015 07:27

Poor child the mother is setting her up for ms unpopular kid in her year. I've seen this over the years but maybe just maybe the child will develop thriugh the help of others eg peer group being string, teachers help etc. in the present time OP i sympathise but this will not be the last child you or your son encounter with thistype of behaviour. It's one of those things they don't tell you in parenting books.

youarekiddingme · 02/04/2015 07:29

Only on MN can an 'older kid thing' be bashing a baby on the head.

OP DS may do it but I bet she steps up to the patenting plate and steps in.

My 10yo DS with asd still needs supervision in socialising - so guess what I do it - you don't just laugh it off or allow it so you get a break.

I would also speak to group leader and start telling the girl in a firm but clear voice. I reackon once you start doing it other parents who children suffer will be the confidence to do it too. Then the mum may actually feel like she ought to intervene.

In someways I feel sorry for the mum too - she may have spoken to others about her DD physical ness and been told 'oh, older kids do this' Hmm

Psipsina · 02/04/2015 07:46

This is one of many reasons to avoid playgroups imo. It's a complete minefield. We never went after the first couple of times - my younger two have missed out on very little as a result. (injuries, being vomited on, etc)

Box5883284322679964228 · 02/04/2015 07:51

Speak to the Playgroup leader. They are the ones to approach the mum. Can you ask the local health visitor to attend the session and explain why?

hackmum · 02/04/2015 07:52

People who say that it's "normal" for a three year old to be hitting other children are part of the problem. It's not normal and most three year olds don't do it.

Thymeout · 02/04/2015 08:44

I can't believe this thread. A 3 yr old is hitting a 7 mth old baby's head with a hard object. And posters are more concerned with upsetting the 3 yr old's mother?

What is wrong with speaking sharply to the 3 yr old? Removing her physically from the vicinity, if she tries to do it again? Just as you'd do with your own child if it was hitting its baby brother.

It's the baby's safety that it is important here. Not the feelings of a mother who is not parenting her own child. And 3 is plenty old enough to be taught not to attack other children.

soapboxqueen · 02/04/2015 09:45

It is entirely normal for a 3 year old to hit. Most children do. Not all but most. For some it is short lived. For others it takes much longer to move past it. Others have issues which means it can last for years.

That doesn't make it acceptable or that it should be ignored. The mum in this case should be tackling it if she can't she shouldn't be taking her child to places where others can get hurt.

MrsCs · 02/04/2015 09:46

Op the general consensus is that you are not being unreasonable. I'd assume the few who think you are are like the woman you encountered who believe the rest of us should parent their children.

Binkybix · 02/04/2015 09:49

It is entirely normal for a 3 year old to hit. Most children do. Not all but most. For some it is short lived. For others it takes much longer to move past it. Others have issues which means it can last for years

See I agree that most 3 year olds will hit at some point, and in some circumstances. However I don't think the level of targeted aggression here is the norm - seems at the extreme-ish end of the scale.

popalot · 02/04/2015 09:52

It's not normal for a 3 year old to hit time and again. Complain to the group leader because the parent is ignoring it. Why is she so aggressive in the first place? Coupled with her mother's acceptance of it....all a bit worrying and needs to be raised with the group leader.

MadgeFinn · 02/04/2015 09:56

I've never known kicking and hitting babies to be a normal development in 3 year olds. if parents think it is and allow it to continue because they see it as "normal" they're going to find themselves without any friends. 3 year olds have to learn what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't. It's the parents job to do this. No way should they think hitting or kicking babies is acceptable.

TwoOddSocks · 02/04/2015 10:12

Three year old hitting is within the range of normal, most 3 year olds I know do at some point push, snatch or hit when they get overstimulated or frustrated. Some kids have better emotional control at this age than others (just like some kids walk or talk earlier).

There's a big difference between normal and acceptable though. If a child hits, they're not a bad kid or a bully but there's a reason for it and you need to a) help them to understand that violence is never acceptable and b) find out why they're doing it (frustration? Looking for attention? overstimulated?) and give them an alternative way of handling that emotion or communicating their needs.

soapboxqueen · 02/04/2015 10:14

Binky I think that depends on your own experiences. My ds is autistic and I've spent years teaching in mainstream with a high level of additional needs children. The child's behaviour seems to be normal if you aren't corrected (excluding any other issues).

All children are like little scientists bashing, smelling, seeing, tasting, hearing and licking (maybe just mine Grin) their way around this bizarre planet they've been put on. Everyday is an experiment. What if I do this? Can I do that? How many times can I watch the the same 30 seconds of Wreck it Ralph before mummy sobs in the corner again. The feedback they get dictates their conclusions and subsequent actions. Sometimes extra data is needed to confirm or isolate the answers. However if the data received is corrupted through lack of guidance eg no reprimand, no modelling of behaviour or aversion, then the child is left to make their own conclusions. In this case 'hitting the babies makes a noise'...' the noisy babies get picked up '...' I wonder if that always happens?' Or 'nobody cares if I do that so I might do it again next week '

What should happen is ' hitting babies means I can't play anymore. That's crap. I'm not doing that again. '

If a child is utterly uncontrolled or the discipline is in place but is not being assimilated by the child, then I would start to edge them out of the normal behaviour box.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 02/04/2015 10:14

Most toddlers have some degree of hitting/biting/scratching etc, mostly short lived phases.

This child seems to have purposely hit the OP's DS and the next week, tried to do it it again. It's targeted aggression.