Idiot mother and bully daughter

[ChickenDipper22]

My DS is only 7 months and sits in front of me in a walker at playgroup as he can't even move around in it yet so is not running around causing trouble or anything. There is a little girl of about 3 years old there who is just a little bully, she hits and pushes everyone and the mother does absolutely NOTHING, she pushed another child off the top of a slide a few weeks ago and again the mother just sat there and said nothing. Anyway, last week she came over to DS and bashed him across the head with a plastic brick really hard for no reason whatsoever, he screamed the place down, it was about a millimetre away from his soft spot.
This week I kept my eye on her so knew it was coming.. She walked over with a sharp wooden toy and started hitting him on the head, luckily I'd put my hand on top of his head just on time to protect him!
AIBU to be really angry that this mother just seems to not give a shit whatsoever? She will just sit there and watch her do it time and time again and not even get up off her seat or tell her it's wrong! ð??¡

YABU, purely for calling a 3yo child a bully, to me that makes you a bully. YANBU to feel cross about the mother's lack of action though. What kind of playgroup is it? Is it a very chatty one, where you could approach the mother over a brew? If so, I would go with something like: 'They can get so into their games can't they? DS came quite a cropper the other day,when DD was playing with him and the blocks.' Then hopefully she might say something along the lines of: 'Oh I know I'm so sorry, is DS OK?' Then you could say, 'Oh yes he's fine now, I expect he'll be the same in a few months/ years'.

Mine was a violent little nightmare from 1 and tailing off by 3. I had to tail him the whole time at groups etc and intervene and time out and them home. I was a nervous wreck but it was my responsibility to try and manage it - as difficult as it was.

Generally people were great and very understanding considering how bad my child was at the time, but only if they see you trying to deal with it.

Everyone does NOT deal with the same level of difficulty/same challenges. shock.
No one is calling the OP an idiot confused the point I was making is you may not be seeing the whole story so assuming the mum is an idiot(revolting thing to say) is silly.

You have NO idea what other peoples lives involve. Never assume you have it worse and therefore have a better excuse.

The mother should be following her child around and intervening before hitting begins. Some children are hitters and biters (however good the parenting is) but if you have one, you cannot treat play group as a time to relax. It's wrong to call the child a bully though.

I think you are a bit over the top but not entirely unreasonable.
Children should be supervised at playgroup especially when there are babies around.

but would add never assume you would or could do better.

Agreed. Not to do better, but to do something. Smiling, shrugging it off, or laughing - no, no, no. But something to address the issue.

Generally people were great and very understanding considering how bad my child was at the time, but only if they see you trying to deal with it

yy

most people myself included are pretty laid back or understanding that occasionally these things happen and would never go out of our way to make life harder or be rude to the parent if We see them actively trying.

dd2 was much harder work as a toddler than dd1 she never hits or bites or scratches thankfully but she didn't and still doesn't always have any idea about personal space and could well kick off if made to wait back for her turn and being a bit clumsy she could accidently knock children so I had to supervise her much more closely and for much longer than dd1.

but I always made a point of that to avoid incidents and always apologised and made dd apologise if something did happen. I'd much rather stand at the back with a kicking screaming toddler than allow them to run a mock whacking everyone they meet.

makes fir harder work sure but that's my problem not anyone else's and id expect people to have a few things to say if I wasn't seen dealing with it

None of my dc ever bashed babies at playgroup. I don't think it is behaviour that should be shrugged off. It calls for immediate discipline. I would speak quite sternly to the little girl, no you must not hit. Stop hitting the baby. It is wrong to hit other people. Her mother should be doing that. Some children do grow into entitled little sods and it often down to pisspoor parenting, so try to steer the little girl in a better direction. I feel sorry for her. Tell her you would love to have her play by you if she can make better choices.

Have you spoken to the playgroup leaders?

Oh there's a mum like this where I go. The other day I had to stop him grabbing someone else's toddler and he went straight after another one's hair after that. Every week. She never does anything about it either.

When that sort of thing happened to my DS, I shouted "HEY! HEY! HEY! WHERE'S YOUR MUMMY?" That seemed to stop the behaviour dead in its tracks and alert the mother (and everyone else in the vicinity). Don't seethe inwardly, it doesn't do much for your spirit.

Just ask the mother directly to stop her child hitting.

Do not accept shoulder shrugs or laughs. Keep going till she answers you.

Tell on the mother to the playgroup leader?

Good plan notin not only does it stop the child, but alerts the mum. I would say "HEY HEY HEY stop that hitting, where's your mummy" in a loud voice. No not all 3 year olds are hitters and biters, ds 3 is not. Yes the parents do have to take action however tired you are. Dd 8 has Autism and dev delay, I always apologised and corrected her behaviour, and took her away from the situation of needs be.

Could you take sharp wooden toy over to the mother and whack her on the head with it?

When she objects say "Oh I'm sorry, your brat daughter been doing it to my son - I presumed it was your version of "hello""

I certainly wouldn't categorise her as a bully although very very obviously her mother should be correcting this behaviour and stopping her going near little babies if she knows she's likely to hurt them.

I think a three year old pushing and hitting when frustrated is within the bounds of normal but not to the extent you describe, where it seems she spends all her time seeking out babies to hit. Still wouldn't describe her as a bully though, probably just the victim of terrible parenting, combined with a boisterous personality.

NotInGuatemalaNowDrRopata idea of shouting "where's your mummy?" is brilliant. I would certainly physically stop a child who was hitting my baby over the head with a hard object.

At the playgroup we go to, someone obviously has had 'words' as the playgroup staff did the 'you are all responsible for your own children' talk the other week.

There are 2 children in particular that charge around and trample others underfoot/crash into little ones - not so much hitting - and everyone knows who they are. The mothers are very hands off but I did notice one of them reprimanding her child the other week after the 'talk' was had. Some parents chat all the way through the rhyme time at the end when staff try to pass on news/messages/etc - I think it's so rude towards the staff and feel so angry on their behalf.

This particular playgroup is very raucous and I don't think very suitable for little ones, but if you have a toddler and a new baby, you do need to get out of the house sometimes!

"One day he will be the big lumbering 3 year old that hits. Best not be too smug."

"The parents of younger children really don't like the older kids being there doing older kid things. When your son is about 3 years old you will be the other parent…"

I don't agree with this. DS was never that child, even if other children hurt him first. He's never hit another child, and I wouldn't call wilfully hitting someone an older kid thing. Running about being boisterous yes, that's an older child thing, but deliberate violence, no.

The OP might never be that other parent because not every child attacks others, certainly not on a regular basis.

When DS was three, he was given a black eye and bitten and scratched by a girl a bit older than him, while we were in a soft play area of a cafe at a children's play park. He had teeth marks under his eye and scratches all over his face and his hand was bitten.

Adults weren't allowed into the area, but we were watching from the side and went in anyway. He was too far away for us to reach him before she bit and scratched him, as it all happened very quickly and we had to run around a soft mesh fence to the entry bit, and DS and the girl were at the back.

However her grandparents were at the other side of the cafe and not even looking, they were sitting with their backs to her and behind a raised partition.

After we pulled DS away, she attacked another child about the same age, and a ten month old baby whose mother was sitting with him in the separate area for babies. The baby had scratches down both sides of his face where she raked her nails down it. The other child was bitten on the hand and cheek.

It took three groups of parents complaining to staff to get her grandmother into the play area to remove her, and then they comforted her for being upset at being made to come out.

DH went over to speak to them and took DS to show them the state of his face and all they had to say was "well she always does it, we've told her not to, but she always does. What do you want us to do, keep her at home?"

We'd have liked them to be keeping a proper eye on her, not sitting at the other side of the room with their backs to her.

Failing that, we'd have liked them to apologise and actually tell her off properly. Instead they said "Did you bite this little boy? How would you like it if we bit you?…Oh…don't cry, it's alright…" and comforted her again.

If that child wasn't a bully already, she probably is by now, as nobody seemed to care about her behaviour. He grandparents seemed worn out by her, but were happy to let other children be hurt while they took a break and let her run wild. If that has carried on, she'll never have a reason to change because she has no consequences or boundaries.

There were probably over 100 children in that play area, and only one of them was attacking the others. So I don't think it's fair to say that one day the OP's child will be doing the same, as not all children are like this even at a young age, and it's not part of all older children's behaviour either.

I'm sure they would help of the mum appeared to be trying or overwhelmed.

I don't see why you'd offer to help watch someone else's kid just so she can continue to ignore her own though.

I go there for a break, a cuppa and a chat, I don't want to be looking after someone else's child when the parent is sat a foot away from me and should be doing so herself.