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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding AIBU....

240 replies

PBlaarth · 31/03/2015 17:58

Hello. I've seen these sort of posts on AIBU before, but obviously I'd like a personalised view on my situation.

Got an invite to an August wedding, hand delivered this morning, addressed to my husband, for the whole shindig. I haven't been invited. Not even as a 'plus one'. I don't know the couple, but we invited them to our evening do at our wedding last year (they didn't attend), so they know I exist.

I'm pissed off because I think it's rude and insulting. Bad etiquette.

I'm annoyed with my DH because he doesn't see why I'm so annoyed and offended. It's not like I'm his girlfriend of a few months....we're married with a small baby (gorgeous boy, born 10 weeks ago, love being a mum!!).

I started off by saying I'm not happy him going without me; ended up saying you're NOT going without me. We're a family and come as a package. I wouldn't go to a friend's wedding if they didn't invite my DH and DS. He said he'd have a word with them, see if they just 'forgot'. I don't want to go now anyway, and don't really want to have to spend the money on us all going, but AIBU?

Also, and this shouldn't be considered when replying, but...they have a wedding WEBSITE. Including pages such as Q&As, How we met, About us, Venue...etc etc and other such pretentious cuntery of the like I have never seen.....

thanks ladies and gents
xx

OP posts:
FromMeToYou · 31/03/2015 18:00

Link to the website please!!!

no73 · 31/03/2015 18:00

YABU yes you are a family but that doesn't mean you have to go everywhere together. I'd hate to be with someone that assumed that everything I went to they had to go to including weddings.

AuntieStella · 31/03/2015 18:01

Even in the 1950s it was never compulsory to invite both husband and wife, and it was normal to have an independent social life.

Yes, it's nice if you're invited together. But it's not terrible if it doesn't happen that way. Your DH just needs to decide if he wants to go, and accept or decline accordingly.

threegoingonthirty · 31/03/2015 18:03

We must have a link to the website! That's a very American thing to do....

AmserGwin · 31/03/2015 18:03

YANBU very rude, though I wouldn't expect the baby/any children to be invited

OnlyLovers · 31/03/2015 18:03

I don't think it's bad etiquette, no. I've been to weddings where only I was invited, as the friend(s) in question didn't know my DP although they knew he existed.

RedRugNoniMouldiesEtc · 31/03/2015 18:04

Yabu being a family doesn't mean you no longer exist as individuals. Also to tell someone they can't do something like that is pretty controlling.

RachieS1986 · 31/03/2015 18:04

yrnbu. id be mad too. as you said its not like you're a current girlfriend you're his wife even at that good manners would have been to put a plus one.

KittensOnAPlane · 31/03/2015 18:05

sorry - i think YABU, guessing you are not close friends, "(they didn't attend), so they know I exist. " so why do you want to go to their wedding

they are most likely short on numbers - and guess what, you and your DP are more than a couple/family you are also individuals

you dont want to go, so quit worrying

(come on - share the website!!)

viva100 · 31/03/2015 18:05

YANBU!!! I find it unbelievably rude for someone not to invite the spouse to a wedding!!! And my DP (soon DH) would never go without me. Yes, we don't have to go everywhere together but a wedding isn't a random night out with the guys and he would at least discuss it with me.

nachohousekeeper · 31/03/2015 18:07

YABtotallyU

Why on earth do you think you should be invited to the wedding of someone you don't know?

It is unbelievably entitled.

It's their wedding, no doubt costing a fortune. They can invite/not invite who they like.

YB even more U to say your DH can't go.

kewtogetin · 31/03/2015 18:08

Well I don't see why A. You invited them to your wedding when you said yourself you don't know them, and B. You're bothered about not being invited to their wedding when (yet again) you don't even know this couple?!
And you are being vvv unreasonable TELLING your husband he's not allowed to go without you, if my husband spoke to me that way he'd be told to fuck off to the far side of fuck. You might be a family but you are allowed out without each other.....

TheSingingMonkey · 31/03/2015 18:08

I think it's a bit off not to invite you, you're married so I would always invite the other half if you were a long term partner.

But you're being unreasonable to expect your DS to be invited, he won't be a newborn by the time of the wedding.

TidyDancer · 31/03/2015 18:09

This for me does depend on how well you know the couple. Since you don't know them, I think YABU. Your evening invite may or may not be an unintended red herring here. YAdefinitelyBU to dictate to your DH what he can do. That's unpleasant.

Wedding website definitely unreasonable. Gluezilla and Mr Glue had one of them. It was definitely on the ick scale.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/03/2015 18:09

YABU to be annoys with your DH for not automatically agreeing with you, and YABVU to tell him you don't want him to go without you and that he can't go without you.

I agree that the couple were rude not to invite you. It seems very odd to me to invite people to celebrate and witness your wedding ceremony without respecting the person they got married to, but their rudeness doesn't make it ok for for you to be rude, or to take it out on your DH. It's not his fault!

But, if you're going to call some aspect of their wedding pretentious cuntery, you don't really deserve to be invited. Wedding websites are a bit pants, but they are excited and it's not harming or insulting anyone, unlike you.

TheSingingMonkey · 31/03/2015 18:10

Forgot to say, yabu telling your husband he can't go, it should be a discussion. Do you not do things separately?

MrsDumbledore · 31/03/2015 18:11

YABU. If you don't know them well, why should they invite you and then potentially not be able to invite a friend they know well as numbers ir budget are limited? Don't you and your dh ever socialise with your friends separately? I assume you must if you don't know this couple and your dh does (unless it's a work colleague of your dh who he doesn't see socially, in which case IME it's quite usual not to invite partners).

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 31/03/2015 18:11

It's more normal to invite partners but YABU to insist that you and DH are a single unit which can't be separated...

We had a rule of thumb that only those who both parties had met made it on to our guest list (couple of exceptions for partners of people who knew very few others). Maybe something like this?

I can't get worked up about a website

Snottybiyatch · 31/03/2015 18:11

Splinters in my bum time here: firmly on the fence. I agree that that is really rude of them not to invite you, but I don't see where you get off telling him he can't go! Their rudeness is their problem, not his, and he may well like the chance to hook up with old mates (other than the wedding couple) without worrying whether you're bored maybe.

And surely this can be cashed in at some other time: win, win!

MrsHathaway · 31/03/2015 18:11

We had a wedding website in 2004. Not as full on as this sounds but good for photo sharing afterwards.

YANBU to consider the invitation rude. I don't think it would be rude to invite just DH to just the evening do. Even if they assumed you wouldn't com e you should have been formally invited.

YABvU to stop him going with the "but we're a faaaaaamily" horse shit. That's not how it has to work. I suspect that when your marriage and baby are older you won't be so precious about it.

slightlyconfused85 · 31/03/2015 18:12

I think yabu to say he can't go without you. Weddings are difficult for the bride and groom as space is often limited and cuts have to be made somewhere. As you don't really know them and they don't really know you I don't think yabu. People can have whoever they want at their weddings.

slightlyconfused85 · 31/03/2015 18:13

Sorry I don't think THEY are bu.

Hillingdon · 31/03/2015 18:13

Oh dear Op, well you did ask!

My view - you sound very entitled. So, if your little one wasnt invited you would kick off too?

I dont think very young babies and todlders should be invited to formal weddings. I have seen just too many being ruined by entitled parents who think what their offspring do will be seen as cute and sweet to others.

Tbh - I shouldnt really be on this thread as I will proabbly upset a few people! Good bye!

Mostlyjustaluker · 31/03/2015 18:14

Yabu

ShadowStone · 31/03/2015 18:14

I would agree that as a general rule it's politest to put a plus one on invites unless you know for sure that the person you're inviting is unattached.

But I think how rude it is depends on how well your DH knows them. Close friend / family member, then yes, it's rude. But I'm guessing they're probably not all that close to your DH if you've never met them.

Distant relative or friend that he barely sees - it could be a genuine oversight, despite them having been invited to your wedding.
It could be that DH is invited out of duty because they feel obliged to for whatever reason, and they're hoping he declines so they can fit in a closer friend instead.
Or maybe he's one of a group of friends from a specific context (i.e. work, sports club etc), and in order to have enough invites for all the friends, nobody's had a plus one on the invite.
Or maybe they don't see why they should invite someone they've never met to their wedding.

Whatever the reason, it's unlikely that they're out to deliberately offend and insult you.

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