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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding AIBU....

240 replies

PBlaarth · 31/03/2015 17:58

Hello. I've seen these sort of posts on AIBU before, but obviously I'd like a personalised view on my situation.

Got an invite to an August wedding, hand delivered this morning, addressed to my husband, for the whole shindig. I haven't been invited. Not even as a 'plus one'. I don't know the couple, but we invited them to our evening do at our wedding last year (they didn't attend), so they know I exist.

I'm pissed off because I think it's rude and insulting. Bad etiquette.

I'm annoyed with my DH because he doesn't see why I'm so annoyed and offended. It's not like I'm his girlfriend of a few months....we're married with a small baby (gorgeous boy, born 10 weeks ago, love being a mum!!).

I started off by saying I'm not happy him going without me; ended up saying you're NOT going without me. We're a family and come as a package. I wouldn't go to a friend's wedding if they didn't invite my DH and DS. He said he'd have a word with them, see if they just 'forgot'. I don't want to go now anyway, and don't really want to have to spend the money on us all going, but AIBU?

Also, and this shouldn't be considered when replying, but...they have a wedding WEBSITE. Including pages such as Q&As, How we met, About us, Venue...etc etc and other such pretentious cuntery of the like I have never seen.....

thanks ladies and gents
xx

OP posts:
maliaki · 31/03/2015 20:52

I'm really glad that when I told DH I was going to my uni mates do without him, his only reply was 'sweet- football day!' If he'd got all arsey about it I definitely wouldn't have got as far as marriage with him.

CapnMurica · 31/03/2015 20:55

YANBU.

I would expect DH to be invited without me to either a) a really, really tiny wedding of a close friend (with explanation); or b) to a wedding of a distant friend who I hadn't met. Anything else is just rude.

DH wouldn't go without me either. When his friend was getting married, he told me he wouldn't go if I wasn't invited. His friend didn't like me (I knew him before DH) but still invited me - because you invite friends with partners!

MaidOfStars · 31/03/2015 20:55

I don't think it's insulting people to just invite them to the evening do. To me it still says we want you there to celebrate

...but we don't care about you enough to have you see us get married.

We didn't have separate evening guests. We had everyone we wanted there for the whole shebang and spoiled them rotten

ThroughThickandThin · 31/03/2015 20:58

.....but we don't care enough about you to have your husband/wife with you to celebrate our marriage. Come by yourself, we don't want your other half there as well taking up a place......

MaidOfStars · 31/03/2015 20:58

I would expect DH to be invited without me to either a) a really, really tiny wedding of a close friend (with explanation); or b) to a wedding of a distant friend who I hadn't met

OP's situation is b)

MaidOfStars · 31/03/2015 20:59

.....but we don't care enough about you to have your husband/wife with you to celebrate our marriage

We don't care enough about your husband/wife.

maliaki · 31/03/2015 21:00

I would expect DH to be invited without me to either a) a really, really tiny wedding of a close friend (with explanation); or b) to a wedding of a distant friend who I hadn't met. Anything else is just rude.

CapnMurica The OP doesn't know and has never met this couple so doesn't then that mean you would expect her not to be invited?

ThroughThickandThin · 31/03/2015 21:01

Exactly......so fuck off, why should I care about you and send my wife/husbands to joyously celebrate.

honeyroar · 31/03/2015 21:02

We had a tiny immediate family day do, then big evening do, so apparently all my friends are B list.. Unfortunately I couldn't justify the cost of having everyone at a day do and spending all that money. I can think of a million things I'd rather spend £20k on. Luckily my friends understood and appreciate evening invites!

MaidOfStars · 31/03/2015 21:03

Exactly......so fuck off, why should I care about you
That's fine if that's your feeling on the matter. It doesn't match mine - I'm not particularly offended by the idea that not everyone loves me.

and send my wife/husbands to joyously celebrate
Send? Send?

Lavenderice · 31/03/2015 21:04

ThroughThickandThin does your partner only go places you send them?

MaidOfStars · 31/03/2015 21:05

I'm not particularly offended by the idea that not everyone loves me
For clarity, by 'everyone', I mean people I do not know nor have ever met.

Momagain1 · 31/03/2015 21:06

People invite people they know to events. Inviting only the one you know, of a couple, has always been acceptable, though might not come up much if most people you know move in the same crowds, or most people you know can afford to include however many of their friend's partners they have never met. There certainly is not a social requirement to invite the spouse of every single partnered guest. How unfair for the last in a group of friends to have to set aside double the number if invites for people they dont know, when none of the others had to do so. And then have to start figuring out who amongst their friends and more distant relations to leave off because of these strangers.

Relation's partners you dont know are a bit different. There is a family obligation to include them, I think, esp. If married. A wedding is a good time for them to meet more family.

Likewise, a couple can choose to RSVP for only one, either because the other doesnt feel they know the couple well enough, or to mind the children at home, or whatever.

A single invitee shouldnt go without knowing their partner is OK with the arrangement, esp. if it means leaving them with the children, or if attendence is time consuming/expensive. (Ie. there was a thread a few weeks ago about a destination wedding, wife not invited, which would eat up their leave time and family holiday budget. )

skinnylegs33 · 31/03/2015 21:07

kali weddings don't qualify as catching up, at least not for me. Weddings are about celebrating love & the union between two people. How can you expect friends to be happy for and celebrate with you if you do not acknowledge their partners?
I think it's a very shit thing to do and I would get very offended if any of the people I know would not include my dh on the invite.

MaidOfStars · 31/03/2015 21:09

Likewise, a couple can choose to RSVP for only one, either because the other doesnt feel they know the couple well enough
We had an incredibly graceful decline along these lines (from a couple who were also planning a wedding...)

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 31/03/2015 21:09

Mine and Dh friends were all b list too then. Thankfully they understood we couldn't afford to have them all at the wedding.

I even invited their partners too. Nearly every wedding invite I've ever received had has a plus one on it.

It's another only on MN moment for me.

MaidOfStars · 31/03/2015 21:12

How can you expect friends to be happy for and celebrate with you if you do not acknowledge their partners?

But lots of people here are saying that they are perfectly able to be joyously happy for the married couple, even without partners there.

I think I might be broken. I just don't see how me witnessing a couple declare a lifetime of love for each other is somehow different depending on whether my husband is there or not.

ShirleyYoureNotSerious · 31/03/2015 21:13

" ended up saying you're NOT going without me."

Tell your husband I can recommend a good divorce lawyer.

YABU to take the attitude that you should be invited to the wedding of people you don't even know. YABU to expect a couple you don't know to invite your baby too. YABU to be showing off about it when you don't even actually want to go. YABU to take the view that you're somehow joined at the hip and can't socialise independently of one another. YABunbelievablyU to tell an adult that he can't go to a friend's wedding.

In short, you're totally unreasonable and irrational.

Lavenderice · 31/03/2015 21:16

Skinnylegs I go to my friends weddings to celebrate their love and union. I don't expect them to give my love and union a thought on their day.

I've attended weddings as a single and as one half of a couple where my SO wasn't invited. I've always had a bloody good time.

Theycallmemellowjello · 31/03/2015 21:17

Ha, I was wondering how anyone could say that the op is NBU, and apparently others can believe anyone could think she is BU. I think there's probably a bit of a class/social divide going on here! The comments saying 'everyone in real life agrees with me' really mean, in my british subculture this is how we do it.

ThroughThickandThin · 31/03/2015 21:17

YANBU OP
YANBU OP
YANBU OP
YANBU OP

(Just to counterbalance MaidofStars many posts of YABU..........)

Theycallmemellowjello · 31/03/2015 21:18

*can't believe, sorry

ThroughThickandThin · 31/03/2015 21:19

Oh, and, YANBU OP.

MaidOfStars · 31/03/2015 21:20

Actually, Thick, most of my posts have been saying that you are being unreasonable WinkGrin

Lavenderice · 31/03/2015 21:21

MaidofStars You're not broken, you just know how to have a bloody good time without having to depend on another person.