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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding AIBU....

240 replies

PBlaarth · 31/03/2015 17:58

Hello. I've seen these sort of posts on AIBU before, but obviously I'd like a personalised view on my situation.

Got an invite to an August wedding, hand delivered this morning, addressed to my husband, for the whole shindig. I haven't been invited. Not even as a 'plus one'. I don't know the couple, but we invited them to our evening do at our wedding last year (they didn't attend), so they know I exist.

I'm pissed off because I think it's rude and insulting. Bad etiquette.

I'm annoyed with my DH because he doesn't see why I'm so annoyed and offended. It's not like I'm his girlfriend of a few months....we're married with a small baby (gorgeous boy, born 10 weeks ago, love being a mum!!).

I started off by saying I'm not happy him going without me; ended up saying you're NOT going without me. We're a family and come as a package. I wouldn't go to a friend's wedding if they didn't invite my DH and DS. He said he'd have a word with them, see if they just 'forgot'. I don't want to go now anyway, and don't really want to have to spend the money on us all going, but AIBU?

Also, and this shouldn't be considered when replying, but...they have a wedding WEBSITE. Including pages such as Q&As, How we met, About us, Venue...etc etc and other such pretentious cuntery of the like I have never seen.....

thanks ladies and gents
xx

OP posts:
EponasWildDaughter · 31/03/2015 19:05

YANBU. Only read OP, but personally i would always include the long term partner of any wedding guest.

At my wedding we only had 25 guests, a small posh do, and even among that small number there was one guest i had never met before and another whom my DH had never met. Both were partners of good friends of either DH or i. I wouldn't have dreamed of leaving them out. They both expressed their gratitude at being invited under the circ.s and were warmly welcomed and treated like one of the family. That's how good manners work IMO.

Mind you, if you don't want to go now because of cost, how is that going to work considering the issue you've made of it with your DH?

Nanny0gg · 31/03/2015 19:05

You shouldn't have told him he couldn't go.

However, I think, unless they're work colleagues where it's normal to invite the colleague and not their spouse, they've been very rude.

Nanny0gg · 31/03/2015 19:06

Even in the 1950s it was never compulsory to invite both husband and wife,

Really? That's not how I remember it.

Ginmartini · 31/03/2015 19:09

For once a wedding thread has gone the right way!

I've seen so many with a majority of posters saying 'how RUDE to not invite your partner/I would NEVER go without my dh' it's ridiculous. And baffling.

YABU by the way.

ahbollocks · 31/03/2015 19:09

Of course 'package ' couples do have their own identities, but being married to someone you love is a part of that, the same way your job, children, likes and dislikes are also a part of what makes you you.
Only on mumsnet are we constantly expected to 'suck it up'

TheCraicDealer · 31/03/2015 19:10

I don't think only inviting one half of a couple is any worse than inviting someone to just the evening do, especially if there's any distance involved. You're pretty much as bad as them, I wouldn't be getting on your high horse if I were you.

Ginmartini · 31/03/2015 19:10

I don't know about the 1950s, but in the 1970s/80s it was perfectly normal to only invite individuals and not their partners if the partner didn't know the friend or only invite the plus ones to the evening do. So it's certainly not a new thing.

CumberCookie · 31/03/2015 19:12

Take a deep breathe.

I don' think its rude, they don't know you personally and imagined you would be your husband's plus one. If you've never met them is it not impossible that they have forgotten your name? I don't think it is a big deal really

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 31/03/2015 19:13

because they only invited half of a couple you should only give them half a present and half a card

FinallyHere · 31/03/2015 19:14

DH and I do loads of things together, but we wouldn't go anywhere where the other was not welcome. YANBU.

SukieTuesday · 31/03/2015 19:17

It's been done but it's still not done.

SoupDreggon · 31/03/2015 19:25

Whilst I think it odd not to invite both of a married couple, YABU purely for this you're NOT going without me. We're a family and come as a package. I wouldn't go to a friend's wedding if they didn't invite my DH and DS.

PunkAssMoFo · 31/03/2015 19:27

Entitled twattery is as bad as pretentious cuntery IMO.

mariamin · 31/03/2015 19:29

I got invited to a wedding by myself from an old university friend. I spent the evening catching up with old university friends and had a great time. It didn't even occur to me to complain that my DP wasn't invited. I think my DP was pleased to be let off the hok.

MaidOfStars · 31/03/2015 19:37

I'm another who is marvelling at the entitlement of the OP. I can't understand how anyone could get so het up about not being invited to wedding when ones spouse has.

BatteryPoweredHen · 31/03/2015 19:39

Wow, this is one of those 'only on MN' moments for me - how can anyone think it is ok to only invite on half of a married couple to a wedding ?

Is the irony completely lost on the YABU-ers? They are getting married themselves yet think it perfectly ok to ignore the married status of OP and her DH?

I actually feel quite saddened that standards in society have slipped so far that there are social circles where this is in anyway considered acceptable!

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 31/03/2015 19:40

When you say the whole shindig do you mean he's invited to the wedding and evening do as well?

They know you exist because they were invited to your evening do but didn't attend.

I do find it a bit odd that you haven't been invited, that there is no mention of you at all on the invite. Perhaps they're assuming you'll both be there or not.

I don't think I'd be going to a wedding of people I don't know. I wouldn't stop Dh if he wanted to go but I know he wouldn't anyway. Hates weddings and wearing a suit.

I got an invite via Fb to the evening do of a friend from work. Tbh I assumed it was to me and Dh but perhaps it's just to me (friend hasn't met Dh but knows he exists) I have no plans to anyway so I won't be asking.

BatteryPoweredHen · 31/03/2015 19:41

Oh, and if you are on a tight budget, then book a cheaper venue that will be able to accommodate everyone - don't try to show off to the extent that you have to limit numbers to such an embarrassing degree.

MaidOfStars · 31/03/2015 19:42

Money isn't the only constraint on numbers.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 31/03/2015 19:43

And reading back a bit cumbercookie might be right. That they've just forgotten your name. Quite possible.

Original poster
PBlaarth · 31/03/2015 19:44

I'm back. Thanks for all replies, have been firmly put in my place, although there were a few yanbu's - thanks!

Some points:
Sorry - no link to website. Even if I wanted to, which I don't, it's password protected.
Yes, we do things separately - this one issue doesn't give a full perspective of our whole lives together.
I should clarify - yes I said he's not going, but luckily we have a good relationship with a lot of banter and back and forth - at the end of the day if he chose to go I wouldn't stop him.
I would fully understand if babies/children weren't invited - after thinking about it again, at the age he would be I would probably be happy to leave him with MIL.
Sorry if I offended anyone with a wedding website!!

Hope I haven't missed any points made.

I will apologise to DH when he returns from work.

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 31/03/2015 19:45

Yabu- I went to a lovely wedding the other week to which my dp wasn't invited. It would have been nice if he could have come but it was no big deal. We have independent social lives and I think that's good. And weddings are so expensive that many people have to be completely ruthless with the guest list. Of course plus ones are the first to go. Can't really believe you're offended by this.

Theycallmemellowjello · 31/03/2015 19:48

Also wedding websites I think are often mainly organising tools - so much easier to click a button online to say you're attending and give dietary prefs. And it's a helpful format to give info about area for out of towners. I definitely don't think it has to be self indulgent.

Totality22 · 31/03/2015 19:49

You are annoyed as you are not invited to the wedding of a couple you have never met?

Not sure the whole "we come as a family" school of thought works for me. That means not only do you think you should be invited but your child should as well?

I don't get it, do you do everything with your partner? (IE your friend has a birthday dinner, does he come too??)

TheSingingMonkey · 31/03/2015 19:49

Nice one OP, glad you came back. Weddings are a minefield.