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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about DPs parents and a car seat?

185 replies

passmethewineplease · 30/03/2015 09:57

Honestly need to hear if I'm being unreasonable and a little anxious/paranoid.

My DS is 17 months and is currently rear facing due to it being safer. I don't think MIL really understands why I do it tbh.

They've been on about getting a car seat for their car and asked me to have a look but I have sort of put it off as I didn't want him forward facing.

They have gone and spent 120 pounds on a forward facing seat. I am not overly pleased tbh, they knew my stance on it. She even said she didn't want RF she wanted FF. Surely it's not about what she wants it is what's best for my son's safety?! She says oh I haven't ever had a crash and I don't drive on fast roads, like that makes me feel better. it doesn't have to be her driving badly for a crash to happen someone else could cause it.

I don't feel like I can say anything. probably because I am a bit of a coward and panic at confrontation

He won't be using it all the time just occasionally.

Am I being a bit OTT? DP says it's a good FF seat but that's about it.Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
passmethewineplease · 30/03/2015 16:55

Xi I didn't help because she wanted a FF one despite me saying I wanted to keep him rf as long as possible. I cannot force her to buy a rf seat. No matter what I said she wanted a ff one.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 30/03/2015 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sugarfreeriot · 30/03/2015 16:59

Thanks think
Now to try and persuade dp to buy a car seat right after buying a new one Blush
Never even knew they did these?!?! I've always asked mother care about the safest seat etc and not once has anyone mentioned rf for toddlers!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 30/03/2015 17:03

It is mad how unknown it is. If people choose not to RF, fine, they will have their reasons, but people just dont know it is an option.

Theres a great group on FB "Car Seat Advice for Mummies and Daddies!" which aside from the properly naff name, is actually a really useful and informative page.

Original poster
passmethewineplease · 30/03/2015 17:06

it's amazing how many people don't know it's an option. I didn't back then with my now five year old.

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 30/03/2015 17:11

passme you said "abs I'm not sure tbh, I think it's a case of well they sell them so they're safe Enough which I don't dispute. What I don't get though is why you wouldn't want the safer option?"

people don't live their lives like that though - they don't always take the safest option - you can apply that to everything in life - do you eat the safest options? drink the safest options? take the safest option when crossing the road etc. etc. etc. people just don't live like that - its irrational to think they do.

the option your in laws have taken is perfectly safe - it is lawful - you are being OTT about it.

toomuchtooold · 30/03/2015 17:17

That would annoy me too OP. I actually favour FF but in your shoes I'd worry DC would try FF in gran's car and then refuse to go back in the RF. They should have gone with your wishes I think.

MrsPeabody · 30/03/2015 17:27

My dc2 is in extended rear facing seat. I just transfer it to inlaws car when needed. I wouldn't let him in anyone else's car forward facing. I would ask them to return the seat as it will be waste of money.

MrsPeabody · 30/03/2015 17:29

Peggy. It isn't a perfectly safe option AT ALL. The law in the U.K. just hasn't caught up yet. Even America keep children rear facing until the age of two.

agoodbook · 30/03/2015 17:29

I don't think anyone has mentioned this, but as a GM myself who picks up DGS once a week, we used a rf seat transferred to my car until very recently.
But from the point of view of someone older- could she be having a problem getting your DS in and out - especially if it doesn't swivel. Luckily I am fairly flexible and fit, but as my DGS got bigger and heavier (though young) it got quite tricky.

Amummyatlast · 30/03/2015 17:30

Peggy, it is not 'perfectly safe' and she is not being OTT. If it was 'perfect' how could erf be safer? And lots of things are legal and not safe/advisable.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 30/03/2015 17:34

Not enough is known about how seats are tested either. Cosatto high back boosters are only tested in speeds of 30mph. So if you ever go faster than that, the product which you may deem "perfectly safe" has actually not been tested.

WLondonMum · 30/03/2015 17:36

YANBU we are extended RF and I would be angry if my mother did this. Some things my mother has put down to a generational gap e.g she once left my baby in the car to get something from a shop even though she only had to wait 5 minutes or so for me to come back and there was no urgency.

I was fuming with her... and I also realised that after a number of smaller episodes of my not being listened to it was actually all about power, not so much a generational gap as much as a generational struggle.

Something clicked at that point and from then on I was very, very clear about boundaries and her overriding my wishes, and she backed down from trying to take charge.

chocnomorechoc · 30/03/2015 17:39

I am with you, OP. Both of my DC were rearfacing until 4.5 years old. It is well documented that it is far safer than FF.

Grandparents had a RF in their car as well. I ordered it for them.

Ask you parents to return the FF seat snd get them a RF. DS will be in it for a few years so money well spend.

Chippednailvarnish · 30/03/2015 17:47

I kept my DS rear facing until 4, my DD until nearly 4.

I think the type of car seat is the red herring - it's the fact that they have gone against what you said that is the issue...

LarrytheCucumber · 30/03/2015 17:49

I think chocnomorechoc has the answer. Order a rear facing seat for them to use and ask them to take their seat back.

LarrytheCucumber · 30/03/2015 18:16

Just looked at 'Which'. It appears that not all rearfacing seats are safe so it would probably be worth paying the £1 introductory subscription to find out which ones are the safest.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/03/2015 18:27

Those of you saying she should have helped them pick one and she should have paid for it.

Why?

She does not want her child in a ff seat and she has a perfectly good seat she can put in their car,why should she pay for something she feels they don't need?

Op yANBU I don't want my under 4's ff so they won't

ragged · 30/03/2015 18:50

Actual USA laws re rear-facing which is not often required, certainly not often for over 1s. Many don't require car seats at all after age 8 yo.

ragged · 30/03/2015 18:50

If you really wanted the safest option you wouldn't go in the car at all. Ever.

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 30/03/2015 19:26

OP YANBU at all. You've done your research, you want your child to have the safest type of car seat, you have bought an erf that transfers easily to your IL s car. Wtf won't they use your seat? Why won't they respect your opinion?

Please don't apologise for taking your child's safety on car journeys seriously. We as a society are so bloody laid back about the risks of cars.

By all means ask your IL s why they want your child to ff. They probably won't give you a coherent reason. Some people seem to prefer it for pretty vague nonsensical reason. Obviously if they do give a reason you can discuss this with them e.g. if they feel unsafe not being able to see him you can get a special car seat mirror.

Absolutely ludicrous for you to be worried and your child to be less safe when you have an erf seat that you are happy to transfer into your mil's car, to avoid 'upsetting them'. They have upset you!

Clearly say 'it was kind of you to buy a seat, but as I explained my child will use erf seats until x age. I will carry on fitting my seat into your car. I hope the shop will give you a refund'. If they object- 'we have researched this a lot and we are happy with our decision. I don't think it is helpful to carry on discussing it, so let's move on'.

Handsoff7 · 30/03/2015 20:16

These sort of threads wind me up.

It's likely that a top of the line ERF seat correctly fitted will be safer than a FF seat, at least for a head on crash.

However "Which?" and other organisations test the fitting and find lots of seats are incorrectly fitted, even when fitted by the shops. Rear facing seats tend to be rated as more difficult to fit.

In this context, it may be that the grandparents were scared of mis-fitting your ERF seat (marked as a don't buy by "Which?" largely due to its complex fitting) and putting your child at risk. They may have decided that a forward facing seat that they'd definitely fit right would be safer on average.

Improvements in car seats are not that critical in terms of saving lives anyway.

Typically around 4 children 4 years old or under die in car accidents each year and very few ERF seats are in use at the moment. My point is even if someone developed a magic car seat that automatically teleported your baby to a safe place in the event of an accident, it would save around 4 children a year. I don't believe that many of the children dying now would actually be saved by ERF and it could be that in real-life use, more would die from incorrectly fitted seats providing no protection.

In comparison SIDs kills around 200. Dummies have been shown to be associated with a 50-60% reduction in incidence. We almost never hear of this here

AbsInTheClub · 30/03/2015 20:21

Ragged, legal requirements don't equal what is actually best for us.
And yes, we are probably safest wrapped in cotton wool (with a safe breathing hole) at home, but we need to live a little! I don't really get your point. Surely we all just want to keep our children as safe as we can in the car.

KeturahLee · 30/03/2015 20:26

I don't think the Joie Stages was rated as a don't buy because of it's fitting (which is pretty simple) but because it performed badly in safety tests.

peggyundercrackers · 30/03/2015 20:38

Absintheclub given most people who buy car seats buy ff seats does that mean they don't care about their children? Or don't care about keeping them safe?