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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about DPs parents and a car seat?

185 replies

passmethewineplease · 30/03/2015 09:57

Honestly need to hear if I'm being unreasonable and a little anxious/paranoid.

My DS is 17 months and is currently rear facing due to it being safer. I don't think MIL really understands why I do it tbh.

They've been on about getting a car seat for their car and asked me to have a look but I have sort of put it off as I didn't want him forward facing.

They have gone and spent 120 pounds on a forward facing seat. I am not overly pleased tbh, they knew my stance on it. She even said she didn't want RF she wanted FF. Surely it's not about what she wants it is what's best for my son's safety?! She says oh I haven't ever had a crash and I don't drive on fast roads, like that makes me feel better. it doesn't have to be her driving badly for a crash to happen someone else could cause it.

I don't feel like I can say anything. probably because I am a bit of a coward and panic at confrontation

He won't be using it all the time just occasionally.

Am I being a bit OTT? DP says it's a good FF seat but that's about it.Hmm

OP posts:
LongDayAlready · 30/03/2015 11:40

Never ceases to amaze me when people complain about GP spending money on their children...

We don't live near our parents so our children rarely travel with them. We have never asked them to buy anything for our children when we stay. One set bought a car seat more for the other DGC who they see more often. Ours use that quite happily, if I wasn't happy with that, I would fit our seats into their car. The other set just use our seat as I didn't want them spending their money on ours and we can just transfer ours if needed.

OP, if the car seat is that important to you, then I would have thought it best to provide one to them so that you're happy with it. If they wouldn't use it, then you would not BU to complain. But I don't think that's what you're saying?

BirdInTheRoom · 30/03/2015 11:41

The 'lady' you've quoted sells rear facing seats and the quote is on her facebook page - she may have a vested interest due to the fact it is probably one of her best selling seats as it's so cheap, so wants to reassure people.

But look, you've obviously done your research and are happy with it, but it sounds as though your in laws have bought a pretty decent seat, even if it is forward facing.

Original poster
passmethewineplease · 30/03/2015 11:42

That's fine ty - not many people do. I just don't feel the need to speed. I'm in no hurry to get places. Grin

OP posts:
Discopanda · 30/03/2015 11:42

How unsafe are FF seats? My DD has been in FF since about 18 months old because she was too tall for her RF seat and wanted to see what was going on.
I don't think YANBU because it sounds like they've undermined you and done the classic 'been there, done that, got the t-shirt'. FWIW, my MIL has driven with DNs without a car seat from the age of 2 and doesn't believe in crash helmets so she isn't allowed to take my DD in her car or on her bike, you need to be able to trust whoever is looking after your children whether that's your OH, your parents, your inlaws or a CM.

snowgirl1 · 30/03/2015 11:45

I think you're being very OTT.

Original poster
passmethewineplease · 30/03/2015 11:45

Long day if you think I'm complaining about them spending money then you've misunderstood the thread.

I used to install ours on their car. They obviously didn't like this.

They knew my stance on rf. I don't see why I would need to fork out more money when we can just transfer our seat which we're happy with. Confused

OP posts:
Molichite · 30/03/2015 11:45

Thanks OP. I completely get that it's your choice as the parent and PIL shouldn't go against your wishes, and yanbu in that, but I do think you both need a chat to understand where the other is coming from.

But I know I'd want all the latest information available about my child's seat too.

BertieBotts · 30/03/2015 11:49

I would put money on her having some confidence issue with RF that she is too polite to explain to you.

Would you like to drive somebody else's child around in a seat you feel is unsafe? If a friend handed you a FF seat and expected you to drive their 10 month around in it? Perfectly legal. I think you'd feel uncomfortable and find a way to use your RF seat, wouldn't you, despite not feeling it was your place to dictate what seat they use in their car? And you absolutely wouldn't say to the friend outright "Well I just don't feel safe using your seat, sorry." That would be extremely rude and probably lose you the friendship. In a MIL-DIL relationship it's even more precarious, you desperately don't want to cause offence. (Well unless you're a blunt old bag anyway Grin)

She's not doing this just to spite you or be awkward. The fact that she's specifically gone to seek out a FF seat says to me that she is uncomfortable using the RF seat for whatever reason, but no of course she's not going to tell you why.

Avoid them using the car if you are really worried about it but do not make an issue out of this, because they have really gone to some trouble to try to do the right thing, it's not actually a risk that they are putting him at, and your relationship with the PIL is important. When you look back at this in five years time, you'll be amazed that you thought it was so crucial, and I think if you challenge it and cause an argument or a rift in your relationship, you will end up regretting it.

It would be different if he was much younger or if they were suggesting using no seat at all.

LongDayAlready · 30/03/2015 11:49

That's what I was querying, OP - and, as I said, in that case you're not being unreasonable. So explain that you'd rather your DC be rear facing and supply the seat.

BertieBotts · 30/03/2015 11:52

If it wasn't clear, I don't think that the answer is to try to convince her that RF is safer. You've done that and she clearly doesn't agree, so it's not something which comes down to science in this instance (I don't think anybody can argue that RF is not statistically safer) - it will come down to gut feeling of driving around in the car. If she doesn't feel safe or comfortable then it's not on to expect her to use the RF seat.

Icimoi · 30/03/2015 11:52

I've had great difficulty finding any statistics on death by decapitation in car crashes, and such stats as there are relate to passengers who either weren't secured at all or who were poorly secured. Are there any statistics or accredited records which suggest that this is a risk in a child properly secured in a fully safety compliant forward facing car seat?

thatsn0tmyname · 30/03/2015 11:56

My children faced forward from 10 months. I get car sick and wanted them to face forward to avoid this and enjoy the social aspect of facing forward. I totally understand the worry of grandparents driving children. My mum brought a group 2 seat for my son without checking with me first (he wasn't ready for it) and grandad installs the car seat himself (he's early 70s) which worries me. I bite my tongue but would step in if there was a real risk.

Original poster
passmethewineplease · 30/03/2015 11:57

Ici I'm going to have a look.

I think it's strange that in places like Sweden you have to rf till four yet in this country you can at nine months. I know they plan on bringing out a new law called I-size too. When dc finally have a nap I'll have a look.

OP posts:
Almostfifty · 30/03/2015 11:58

Just tell them you're going to continue to install your seat when they have your DC. Your child, your decision.

KeturahLee · 30/03/2015 12:02

I wouldn't want an 18 month old routinely forward facing, but I would probably not stress for occasional use with grandparents.

But you are the parent, you can say they can't drive her if they won't use the seat you want. That's perfectly reasonable.

Molichite · 30/03/2015 12:05

Is it "places like sweden" though, or is it more or less Sweden? (I have no idea)

If 145 out of 150 countries in the world reckon FF is fine then maybe it is (again I have no idea of the stats). Each country tries to make good laws to protect its children..

I'm just a bit twitchy because of that article you posted, I picked at one bit but if I had time I would challenge a lot more of it.

KeturahLee · 30/03/2015 12:08

I also disagree that Which's criticisms of rear facing seats that are very hard to install are silly. It's one thing that a seat has a good safety record in perfect lab conditions, but if a large percentage of parents aren't able to fit in correctly then it isn't in reality a safe seat.

BertieBotts · 30/03/2015 12:09

It's Sweden. Where they have far more rural roads and much more incidence of icy or extreme weather conditions, and they all drive massive Volvos.

Original poster
passmethewineplease · 30/03/2015 12:12

Not sure if its just Sweden, I think the US wants rf till two, which is still a lot longer than our current nine months rule.

OP posts:
TheFecklessFairy · 30/03/2015 12:13

What happens if someone hits you from behind - surely all the rear window glass sprays all over a rear-facing child?

Also it looks soooooooooo uncomfortable for older children. Glad we didn't have them in my day.

PuttingouthefirewithGasoline · 30/03/2015 12:20

I agree the car seat is a red herring here, although having spent a decent amount on it, I expect it to be a good one?

My PILS brought a cheapo full price 40 quid one and expected us to use that to save us ££££. Kept on and on and on pushing it at us.

In infuriating then acted like we had money not to burn when they saw we had purchased a proper one .

anyway op, its the casual attitude to driving and safety by your MIL and also her undermining of your DIRECT wishes on a very important matter.

if she did have an accident, god forbid, would you live with yourself that you and your dh cuoldnt push this?

stolemyusername · 30/03/2015 12:24

To be fair they asked you to help them look and you put it off, if you'd have made time you could've helped them choose one you felt was suitable.

Original poster
passmethewineplease · 30/03/2015 12:54

Stole - the reason I didn't help is because they wanted a forward facing one.

For some reason unbeknownst to me she does not want DS to rf.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 30/03/2015 13:00

US is 1 year or 20 lbs (9kg) similar to here. Some states have higher requirements.

European regulations take a long time to change because they are continent wide. The age will be 15 months when i-size becomes law in 2018.

I understand that rear facing is statistically safer, but that doesn't mean that SHE feels safe with rear facing. She has been and gone and bought a safe seat. I really think you are asking too much!

Amummyatlast · 30/03/2015 13:30

My MIL keeps asking 'but where do her feet go?' with erf. If they got a car seat I think this would be their main concern, but fortunately they are good grandparents and would buy a erf seat if I said so. OP, in your situation I would be insisting that they take it back and either replace it with a erf seat or use yours. Otherwise it will be just an expensive car ornament that no baby ever travels in.