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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about DPs parents and a car seat?

185 replies

passmethewineplease · 30/03/2015 09:57

Honestly need to hear if I'm being unreasonable and a little anxious/paranoid.

My DS is 17 months and is currently rear facing due to it being safer. I don't think MIL really understands why I do it tbh.

They've been on about getting a car seat for their car and asked me to have a look but I have sort of put it off as I didn't want him forward facing.

They have gone and spent 120 pounds on a forward facing seat. I am not overly pleased tbh, they knew my stance on it. She even said she didn't want RF she wanted FF. Surely it's not about what she wants it is what's best for my son's safety?! She says oh I haven't ever had a crash and I don't drive on fast roads, like that makes me feel better. it doesn't have to be her driving badly for a crash to happen someone else could cause it.

I don't feel like I can say anything. probably because I am a bit of a coward and panic at confrontation

He won't be using it all the time just occasionally.

Am I being a bit OTT? DP says it's a good FF seat but that's about it.Hmm

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 30/03/2015 10:14

Some people on this thread do not understand probability and risk.

BananaLeaf · 30/03/2015 10:15

I've just bought a rear facing seat to
go in our car for my 15 mo. The PILS already have a forward facing seat in their car which is suitable for her age group so I've just accepted she will go in that whilst in their car.

RedToothBrush · 30/03/2015 10:17

Your problem is you've been reading up on stuff like 'internal decapitation'. What is the actual risk of this?

Put it into context.

Your anxiety is a major problem in this.

Having said that, you have been undermined by your MIL and that's not good either.

TywysogesGymraeg · 30/03/2015 10:18

Rear facing is actually safer for everyone, not just under 5s, but I don't see anyone shouting for all passenger seats to be made rear facing.

OP, do you EVER go over the speed limit when you are driving, either by yourself or with the kids in the car? Unless you can answer that you never, ever have, YABVVU.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 30/03/2015 10:18

I use a RF seat for DD who is 3.3. I have only allowed her to FF since she turned 2.5. Before that I would install my ERF seat into other cars.

If you want DS to ERF then you should have provided the seat.

Xenadog · 30/03/2015 10:21

I would just explain to her you want DS in a RF car seat regardless of whose car he is in. If she won't swap the car seat for a RF one then he doesn't go in her car. I think you do need to be upfront and honest with her and should have been earlier on.

Any comments about not going far or fast are irrelevant as is the fact it's for occasional use. Even if people consider that you're being a bit precious it's your child and their safety is ultimately your responsibility. You do get the final say!

Bunnyjo · 30/03/2015 10:21

OP - I don't know which RF Group 1 car seat you've found for £120, because the cheapest I've found is around £225! There is one (Hauck Varioguard) that is £200, but unless you're using with ISOFIX, it becomes FF at 13 Kg.

If using a RF car seat is important to you why don't you give them yours to use in the car on the days they'll need it, or buy one for them yourself?

Molichite · 30/03/2015 10:23

Why did they ask you to look at seats with them then if the seat he uses in their car RFs until 4? I think you probably should have tackled it then - this issue is not going to go away.

I really wouldn't like PIL riding roughshod over my wishes, especially where it's a safety issue. I have clashed with my parents numerous times over carseat fitting, they just cannot understand my ridiculous overprotectiveness in insisting they are fitted properly, and I hate having to fight so hard just to get a correctly fitted seat.

Do bottom out with them why they are so insistent. My eldest was FF from the second she hit the min weight for them, because she screamed and screamed when rear facing and that made for a very distracted driver. While this is unlikely to be the case for your DC if he's got the same seat in ILs' car as he has with you, there might be a piece of the puzzle missing. Was he once sick in the car and MIL didn't know, so she panics with him out of sight?

TheBoysMamma · 30/03/2015 10:23

I think yanbu. You stated you didn't want FF as you have decide on the level of risk you are happy for your child to take. It is not up to mil to undermine this. It's not as if you said they had to buy a seat you are happy for them to use yours. I don't understand why they then bought their own and deliberately chose FF over RF. Not sure what you can do about it though. I guess that depends on whether you are happy to fall out with them over it and how they are likely to react if you refuse to let your child use the seat.

Original poster
passmethewineplease · 30/03/2015 10:24

Bunnyjo it's the joie stages.

OP posts:
Original poster
passmethewineplease · 30/03/2015 10:26

Ty I Actually don't break the limit. I'm a stickler for it. I cannot afford to get points on my license I also cannot afford completely unnecessary fines. not to mention the safety aspect of it. Even a few mph over increases stopping distance.

I'm a relatively new driver If that's relevant.

OP posts:
Momzilla82 · 30/03/2015 10:26

I'm with the OP. Her child. Her choice. She's done her research. The GPs are subverting this even though she made her views clear. I'd ask them to return it and give them the difference in ££ to get a RF one.

sparklepopsicles · 30/03/2015 10:27

YANBU would not want my child in a ff seat however you should have just got them a rear facing one and presented them with it. You can't expect them to buy what you want especially when you say you avoided the issue when asked.

sheeplikessleep · 30/03/2015 10:27

My 20 month old uses a RF seat.
But he's in FF in his childminders car.

These things are all about balance aren't they. I can't reduce all chance of being hurt in a car, but I reduced the probability when I was buying a seat and opted for RF. But I wouldn't insist his CM uses RF (though I would insist he is in a seat properly, which he is).
However, if you have stated your wish, I would be annoyed too if my MIL or my own mother did this. All you can do is supply a seat yourself - which you should have done when they started talking about it. But hindsight and all that.

You've got to do what is right for you. But asking them to take it back and you buy a RF, you risk getting their backs up (and these things are give and take tbh).
Difficult one, as I can see both sides.
There will always be times you do things differently. But you have to accept that a bit (as long as it isn't blatantly dangerous), in order for them to feel relaxed and valued and as a result, have a good relationship with their child.

meercat23 · 30/03/2015 10:27

As a GM I think it is more than a bit off to have ignored your views on this. As you feel strongly about this I think it would not be unreasonable to tell them that you don't want them to use FF. When my GS was small my DD used to put the RF seat in our car when we had him. They didn't stay in RF for so long then so we did buy a FF for our car when he got bigger but if DD had wanted RF we would have bought that. It has to be your preferences not the GPs. I would have been thinking, how on earth would I face them if something happened and I had ignored what they wanted.

Talk to them about it again. Explain again why you feel so strongly about it I am sure they want the best for your little one too.

Original poster
passmethewineplease · 30/03/2015 10:31

think I provided his usual rf seat. This arrangement was no fuss tbh. Me or dp installed it. It was easy!

I have told them about why I prefer rf they u obviously don't see it like me. molichite I think they just wanted one of their own for their car? I'm not aware of MIL having any issues with him rf.

Bunnyjo I already did that! They still bought this one.

OP posts:
WetFishAndOnionRings · 30/03/2015 10:32

I would have asked her to buy a Joie Stages from the beginning, if it was this important to you.
I was lending ours to my CM every timw she had DD and she bought her own after a couple of weeks because she liked it so much.

Regardless of the RF/FF argument, it's your choice, so she should respect that.

peggyundercrackers · 30/03/2015 10:33

YABU - stop reading internet articles on decapitation in car crashes you are just winding yourself up.

Islanegra · 30/03/2015 10:34

Peggyundercrackers that wont make the facts go away!

Micah · 30/03/2015 10:35

Yanbu.

Rf is safer. If that's your risk assessment and you want your child to go rf it's your decision.

Mine are older but still in hbb, despite none of their friends (7-11) using any sort of car seat. They argue with me but ultimately they are safer in a hbb. I'm not putting them at greater risk of injury because everyone else does.

Either insist on rf or don't let them take him in the car. I have refused to let mine travel with mil before.

People may think you're being ott, but it's your decision.

Haggisfish · 30/03/2015 10:36

Ah-if you had already bought and installed one and they went over your head, that is a different story. I would be angry. Make them watch the decapitation video.

Haggisfish · 30/03/2015 10:36

As in, the rf safety video, not some random horrible video!

Original poster
passmethewineplease · 30/03/2015 10:40

I didn't buy them one haggis, I used to just install ours in their car. it was honestly no big deal. It is very easy and quick to install.

I might email MIL with a few links. See if she can understand why I prefer rf.

OP posts:
TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 30/03/2015 10:43

The safety issue is a separate one to your MiL. If you and your DH have made a decision about how you wish your child to be secured, it is not for your MiL to decide otherwise. Vis-a-vis rear and forward facing seats, just because something is legal does not mean it is the safest form of restraint.

BirdInTheRoom · 30/03/2015 10:44

passmethewine have you read the Which report for the Joie Stages seat? It says it gives such bad crash protection when rear facing that they've made it a 'don't buy'. Apparently it performs better forward facing...

www.which.co.uk/baby-and-child/baby-transport/reviews/child-car-seats/joie-stages/review/

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