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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feel violated and so so angry with boyfriend.

322 replies

CherryFlavourPez · 29/03/2015 18:36

NC for this so I don't out myself.

My 'D'P and I have been together for 2 years, I have a DC from a previous relationship who is 3. We are both still young and I've made it clear I don't want any more DC for a long time, preferably when I'm married.

'D'P has always seemed to understand and respect this but has had thoughts of wanting a baby that he has expressed to me. My answer has always been 'not yet'.

Well last night we were about to have sex when I realised we were out of condoms. He said it would be alright, he'd pull out and he was sure it would be fine just this once. I obliged (I know, please don't judge me). When it got to that 'time' for him I could tell it was going to happen so went to move off of him and he held my arms so I couldn't and didn't pull out.

I was and still am really really angry. He says he couldn't help it but I just don't believe him. I tried to move and he wouldn't let me. I've been so upset all day, I'm so mad that he would purposely take that risk when it wasn't what we had agreed. He has no idea how difficult raising a child is so I don't think he understands how serious the situation is.

AIBU to be so upset and angry and be seriously rethinking our relationship?

OP posts:
Marynary · 29/03/2015 19:59

I'm sorry that this has happened to you OP. Whether or not it is "rape" is not really the point. Your "D"P tried to get you pregnant against your will which is a terrible thing to do. He obviously can't be trusted and you should tell him it's over.

JanineStHubbins · 29/03/2015 19:59

I posed the relevant ruling up thread treacle.

ByTheWishingWell · 29/03/2015 20:02

treacle, if a man physically restrains a woman and continues to have sex with her after she has said no and tried to escape, then it is rape. Whether it happens once or twenty times, and whatever position he holds her in.

Sallystyle · 29/03/2015 20:03

What? you can't be raped if you are on top?

I think I have heard it all now.

Please god don't say you have children yourself with these views.

PeachyPants · 29/03/2015 20:04

"It's not rape ffs. She was on top" treacleturkey, you should read the links MN HQ have posted about rape myths and read the thread as some other posters have explained very clearly why this was rape.

Roobo · 29/03/2015 20:04

I find it so sad that some people posting here can't see that a man restraining a women against her will and forcing her to carry on with sex, is rape.

If that's not rape then wtf is??

It's not about pregnancy, it's really not.

Hope you're ok OP. Please kick this prick out of your life.

Original poster
CherryFlavourPez · 29/03/2015 20:06

Oh dear. Didn't think this would kick off like this. I was putting DC to bed. Everyone is entitled to their opinions I suppose. Whether or not we should have used protection or not wasn't really the point, as I obviously know it was stupid not to. It was the deceit and intent behind what he did that hurts.

And 'it's not rape if you're on top' is the most depressing thing I've ever seen on mumsnet.

OP posts:
MerryKat · 29/03/2015 20:06

Treacle read the thread. It was rape.

PeachyPants · 29/03/2015 20:08

I find it sad too, I can't understand the mentality of someone who comes onto a thread where the OP is posting about this awful violation, (she's also said up thread that she'd been the victim of rape three times previously too) and posts snide, blaming and dismissive comments. Why would you do that?

Enormouse · 29/03/2015 20:08

Whatever, some posters Hmm want to call it, it is still a sexual violation . Of body and autonomy. cherry said no and wanted it to stop.

I call that rape.

Cherry - nhs direct will have a list of gps, clinics and pharmacies where you can get the MAP by location.

Meloria · 29/03/2015 20:13

You poor thing, you deserve so much better than this horrible man.

HellBoundNothingFound · 29/03/2015 20:13

treacle, may you never find yourself in a situation where you doubt your instinct. ignorance is not bliss in many cases, your boundaries are fucked.

OP, the actions of your DP are horrific and should not be ignored. I believe in you

Fluffyears · 29/03/2015 20:14

Erm what does then position have to do with anything. She wanted to stop and get off him, he held her on against her will and continued to have his penis in her vagina against her will....THAT IS RAPE!!!!

Fluffyears · 29/03/2015 20:15

Any sexual act against someone's wishes is assault.

DustBunnyFarmer · 29/03/2015 20:15

Why would you do that?

Because they are a goady fucker. Or a hairy handed trucker. Whatevs.

Cherry - Sorry to hear this has happened to you. You've already had excellent advice and I'm relieved to hear the rape apologists on here haven't ground you down.

Tinkfromlovejoy · 29/03/2015 20:16

Op I hope you have the strength to see what is obvious to so many posters that you have shared this with. He does not deserve to be in a sexual relationship with a woman if he does not have any concept of consent, which sadly it appears he doesn't. I hope you can also see that this situation may spiral if you don't take firm action.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. It is not your fault.

GunShotResidue · 29/03/2015 20:16

treacle at least 20 times you've been forced to have, or continue having, sex dispite saying no and trying to move away? If so you should probably look into therapy as that sounds horrific.

PunkrockerGirl · 29/03/2015 20:17

treacle so because the op was on top it wasn't rape?

Dear God. Words actually fail me Confused

Original poster
CherryFlavourPez · 29/03/2015 20:19

Thankyou to everyone who's given me great advice and kind words. I feel stronger knowing I have people behind me.

OP posts:
MrsWembley · 29/03/2015 20:23

+Cherry*, you've got 99.99% of MN behind you.Smile

And the ones who aren't deserve sympathy for their ignorance and what may befall them in the future.Sad

Now, what are your plans with regard to dickwad?

MrsWembley · 29/03/2015 20:24

bold fail

PHANTOMnamechanger · 29/03/2015 20:25

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP (and the others who've been raped)Flowers

I am one of the lucky ones. My DH respects me. You deserve that too. Occasionally I have wanted to stop (one occasion that springs to mind is when we were TTC again after having lost a baby and I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness that we were having to try again). If I say stop he does. No excuses, none of this "I need to" crap, none of this "but you said yes" nonsense.

You can change your mind at any time for any reason, therefore this was rape. You need to think long and hard about being with this man whom you cant trust and has such outdated views.

Seriously love, you need to get rid of the sleazeball.
Wishing you strength.

Gralick · 29/03/2015 20:27

For those still wittering on about whether it's rape, the law recognises conditional consent. "She was deprived of choice relating to the crucial feature on which her original consent to sexual intercourse was based. Accordingly her consent was negated." - This case was similar to OP's.

Cherry, you must be feeling very weird and betrayed. You sound like a sensible woman. Even though he might not feel he 'forced' you, he did and he put his wishes before yours in an utterly crucial way.

Wishing you good friends and strength of purpose.

Fluffyears · 29/03/2015 20:28

Anytime I ask dp to stop he does immediately no questions asked other than 'are you ok?' I think that's normal.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/03/2015 20:32

Cherry did you also tell him to stop too? Really this man is abusive, he has no respect or love for you, a loving partner does not do that, and he is not even sorry, acting like it is nothing and you are overreacting. Really all this would be a dealbreaker, you need to leave him.

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