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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to have kicked my son out tonight ?

247 replies

mrsfuzzy · 28/03/2015 00:02

ours has been a close family but tonight it was all blown apart because of one of my 17 year old son's behaviour, he certainly isn't ds anymore as a result.
last november, he was found down loading seriously nasty hard core porn, i'm broad minded but this was really bad stuff, he sister discovered it by mistake on his lap top after she asked to borrow it, massive melt down in the household as a result, the 'invasion of his privacy' caused a massive row and his siblings wanted him booted out over night as they were so disgusted by his attitude to it all, his lap top, thankfully, developed a bad virus from something he had watched and crashed the entire system as a result, so it was thrown out. which brings us to this evening, it appears that he has been watching again on his games console which has internet connection, he admits when his laptop when down he logged on to the console, the images and videos are truly vile, violent and not restricted to hard porn, it involves animal torture, cruelty to animals and women, thankfully no children, i was so angry i threw him out, phoned his estranged father who can only have him until tuesday, (back story there] and then i don't know what happens, but to be honest i don't care, there has never been any reason to suspect anything was wrong. he is polite and helpful, loves the family pets, goes to college, has no problems that i'm aware of, but he has turned into someone i don't know anymore.
does anyone have any ideas ? i don't want him here anymore.

OP posts:
demonchilde · 28/03/2015 19:20

The porn being described sounds absolutely vile. But people really would report or cut off their 17 year old for it?

I couldn't do either, I know that, even though I'd be horrified by it.

I'd also probably look at myself slightly and wonder if there was any way I as his parent could be slightly responsible in some way ( rightly or wrongly). Parents who do the opposite of this any vehemently bat away any suggestion that they could play a tiny part in their children's behaviour- well, I just don't understand them.

demonchilde · 28/03/2015 19:21

And I've used 'children' as 'offspring' there - I realise he's almost an adult not a child.

Gralick · 28/03/2015 19:25

I'm horrified by the number of people who wouldn't report their child. I wonder what type of crime a teenager would have to commit before their mummies stopped covering for them?

Burke1 · 28/03/2015 19:25

NoNameDame IF the porn is illegal, he knows it's illegal, and still won't stop then going to the police would be the best course of action. But that depends entirely on if the porn is illegal. If it's not, and it's just some fetishy s&m type stuff between consenting adults then there is clearly no problem.

Gralick · 28/03/2015 19:29

Surely the cops would be the best judge of that, Burke?

Gralick · 28/03/2015 19:30

(Given that so many posters seem to think OP and her other teen children are totally incapable of telling.)

Joyfulldeathsquad · 28/03/2015 19:31

tim I'm sorry that happened to you but op has to protect her dds like she has started she is concerned about. How would that look to her girls? It's ok to put up this shit. It's not.

Burke1 · 28/03/2015 19:33

Gralick why? Very few people if would feel comfortable with the police going through their porn collection and discussing their preferences. It's generally something to be avoided unless you have a serious suspicion that it does fall into a category that is illegal.

scandip · 28/03/2015 19:33

I thought pornography involving animals was illegal. If that is what he has been viewing is it not a police matter?

NoNameDame · 28/03/2015 19:34

Exactly, if the cops turn around and find nothing wrong with it then the op knows where she stands. Anyone other than the police are just too subjective and personal tastes will influences what they find reasonable / vile.

Op - please go to the police. If he's done nothing wrong then there's no harm in it. You don't even have to say if was him who downloaded it to begin with.

I would potentially not go to the police if your ds was willing to seek help, therapy etc but he's not and you have to do something.

To leave this without some external bodies coming in and trying to help your son (either for his illegal disturbing tendencies or his legal but very obvious porn addiction ) would be the only parenting fail here

RosesAreMyFavourite · 28/03/2015 19:35

It's not legal, that has been established.

This is such a sad thread, it's really tragic for all concerned, the boy, his family, the victims involved being filmed, whether human or animal. It definitely should be reported.

I'm hoping that in a few years time this kind of experience will be relegated to history as legislators and law enforcers catch up. A lot of children live in a virtual world but they have to learn that on the other side of the camera lens the world is very real.

Burke1 · 28/03/2015 19:38

NoNameDame there WILL be harm if the police are involved and he's done nothing wrong. Think how embarrassing and awkward it must be for the police to take apart your computer, trawl through your PRIVATE things, and discuss your fetishes and porn preferences. By causing him that damage, you would run the risk of losing any respect/trust he has for you.

If you have serious suspicions that the porn in question is illegal then I would say go to the police. But so far this just seems to be an anti-porn rant, forgetting of course that while some may not agree with it, it is (barring certain types) completely legal for people to view it.

NoNameDame · 28/03/2015 19:39

burke she does think it is illegal and not normal hardcore porn, so does everyone's law in the family who has seen it!

Definitely lesser of 2 evils to put your son through some embarrassment but assure yourself that there has been a thorough check about whether has any worrying psychological issues / illness(?) then don't question there issues for fear of embarrassing your son.

The son doesn't seem embarrassed though and has said he doesn't see anything wrong with it so will prob just feel a mild annoyance at being inconvenienced by the police.

Burke1 · 28/03/2015 19:42

There's a difference between discussing porn with your family and having a random stranger constable literally picking apart your computer and interrogating you at length about your specific sexual preferences.

NoNameDame · 28/03/2015 19:43

Burke- BEASTALITY PORN / ANIMAL ABUSE IS ILLEGAL.

The op also thinks he has access to a video of a woman being raped. Op believes this to be real rather than actors.

If you found a video of an actual rape ( or one where you thought it was a old chance it was real and not pretend) you report it to the police. End of.

Anything you say that doesn't agree with the sentence above is disgusting and would require you to have a long hard look at yourself.

demonchilde · 28/03/2015 19:44

Fair point Gralick. I'd know it was the right thing to do, but doubt I could do it. Or cut them off as I know what that feels like.

My general distrust of the police force wouldn't help either but that's a different issue.

NoNameDame · 28/03/2015 19:46

Embarrassment -Same applies to getting a bikini wax, intimate area, you don't particularly want anyone seeing you there but they are a professional and you remind yourself they do this day in day out.

If he is innocent he never has to see them again.

Bikini waxing is voluntary but her ds has chosen to do something that is obviously legally questionable and at 17 will have known that people and police might start to question the legality of all this!

Burke1 · 28/03/2015 19:51

NoNameDame I didn't see the animal thing before. In that case my advice would be for OP to go to the police. There is a line at which, like it or not, you have to involve the police and now that I know about the animal porn, it would seem that line has been crossed.

What the hell difference does it make that someone is a "professional"? I still wouldn't feel like allowing them to access my private stuff and talk about some of my innermost intimate feelings/thoughts.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 28/03/2015 19:52

I'm inclined to agree with Mrsstarlord and SolidGoldBrass to an extent, and I practically live on the internet, though I don't personally watch porn (I have occasionally done so when younger but I am no longer interested in it).

Does the OP actually know that her son has been masturbating to the shocking things she has seen? Plenty of people go through phases of a somewhat morbid curiosity, especially when word of shocking things spreads (2Girls1Cup, anyone? A Serbian Film? The Human Centipede?).

I'll admit to finding the OP's posts incredibly hard to follow, but I'm really not getting the impression that the OP has the first clue about what it is she's seen.

NoNameDame · 28/03/2015 19:55

In my experience someone who is a professional will have been trained to deal with the situations they face at work in a professional way. I.e it's not like his siblings who are being childish calling him names and throwing him dirty looks. The police are unlikely to call him a perv, etc, their questions will be more factual - they might be very proving and to the point but they will also know how to question him in a way that allows him to open up and they will know how to respond to his answers.

NoNameDame · 28/03/2015 19:56

smillas if you found a video of what you thought was a real rape would you report it to the police?

Tim12345 · 28/03/2015 19:57

joy

*tim I'm sorry that happened to you but op has to protect her dds like she has started she is concerned about. How would that look to her girls? It's ok to put up this shit. It's not.

Please read my post,
No where in my post dos I say she or anyone in the family shoukd put up with this, i haven't said she shouldn't kick him out, I've given the perspective of a mum who did kick a dc out ( to keep the rest of family safe) and while it was the right choice at the time because of dc's actions, it became really hard as time went on because of the massive guilt I felt.

I didn't expect to feel the intense guilt I felt and I thought it might be helpful to sharer experience of someone who had disowned a child.
Once again I'm not suggesting she should or shouldn't kick him out.

My posts are from someone who did.

Gralick · 28/03/2015 20:05

discuss your fetishes and porn preferences ??!!

I bet the police wish they had as much time as you seem to think they have!
They're more likely to ask over the phone, take the box in if it sounds illegal, and have a skim through to see what's up. They sure as hell won't be discussing 'preferences'.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 28/03/2015 20:14

NoNameDame, that's not something I've ever really thought about.

It would depend entirely on the apparent source of the material.

Burke1 · 28/03/2015 20:15

If it got to the stage of an interview then they definitely would be asking him about his preferences because they would be trying to connect him to the porn as much as possible to make it easier to secure a conviction.

Letting the police or anyone else "have a skim through" is incredibly violating and and I think they should only be contacted if the OP is fairly sure it's illegal porn and not just porn that she disagrees with being available. It seems that it IS probably illegal so in this instance I agree that to be the best course of action.