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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my DC around him?

235 replies

UseYourFingers · 26/03/2015 14:45

My sister has been with her partner for 9 years, getting married in December. He has a 17 year old daughter from a previous partner. Was chatting with the daughter and she mentioned it was her mums 30th birthday party coming up. I presumed I'd misheard but mentioned it to my sister, and she confirmed that her DP got a 13 year old girl pregnant WHEN HE WAS 20!

This has made me feel really ill.

We are supposed to be going to Barcelona for her hen weekend in June and her DP was going to have all the kids, including my DD who is 12.
I've told her I don't want this to happen anymore and it's caused a huge argument. I'm not to attend the wedding until I've apologised to him.

I feel really bad. He has babysat before and I feel that I should have been made aware of all this. I've lost all sense of trust towards him and my sister.

I'm not at all implying that he is a paedophile but I can't shake off the notion that at one point in his adult life he was sexually attracted to a child. He was in a relationship with the girl until their daughter was 3.

I don't know what to do or think. Has anyone got any advice?

OP posts:
seriouslypeedoff · 26/03/2015 19:31

I used to pass for 18 when I was 14, all the time. Even just in the street. I was twice asked to take part in surveys (like when they come up to in the street and supermarket) when they asked my date of birth they told me I had to be 18 so couldn't do it. Both times it was women, both looked really shocked when they realised. Things like this happened alot So it is possible. In fact I get asked for id more since I turned 25.

However homeprides example is different. As the OPs bil then went on to have a relationship with the girl, knowing her age, for 3 years.

Andrewofgg · 26/03/2015 19:32

Now RTFT and I see she was 12 at the time of the offence so the time-limit did not apply.

But far too many offences of this type were not prosecuted then and are not prosecuted now. Unless he is a high-profile show-biz type I don't think Plod will be interested. Just keep him out of your life and your DD's.

seriouslypeedoff · 26/03/2015 19:33

Of course women make this error. And of course some women sleep with underage boys. Maybe not as often but it does happen.

Original poster
UseYourFingers · 26/03/2015 19:33

Cheese that's not how I meant it. I was just trying to think of ways he would justify it and as you said he KNEW her age and that it is wrong but I can't think why her parents would sweep it under the rug. He'd be dead if it was my daughter.

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 26/03/2015 19:34

Even if you thought a 14 year old looked 18, how many seconds of conversation would you need to notice the reality?

seriouslypeedoff · 26/03/2015 19:34

I do agree its a bad excuse..'the child made me do it' . But people can be mistaken for different ages.

Andrewofgg · 26/03/2015 19:36

Apocalypse Before the law was changed in 2003 mistake as to age was not a defence; now, provided the girl is at least 13, it is. That change was made without being mentioned in Parliament at any stage of the Bill's journey through its stages.

If the prosecution is brought and the defence is run, it can only succeed if the mistake is "reasonable". That won't only depend on what she wore - it will depend on what she did. If she went with him to a pub or club with a big sign saying 18 PLUS ONLY a jury might well believe him if he claims she said she was that age and he believed her.

It has led to a drop in prosecutions, especially where the girl is 14/15.

seriouslypeedoff · 26/03/2015 19:39

I know plenty of 18 year olds with less sense than some 14 year olds. I had two girls working with me who were 18 and had no sense at all. One even asked how people with different skin colours could be born in the same country. She seemed to be under the impression that race was dictated by the sun, not genetics. Which is the point I couldn't take anymore of her. I know 11 year olds with more sense than these girls.

But again, its a poor excuse

UncleT · 26/03/2015 19:41

Apocalypse yes, we know it's mainly men, but you'll find a good few instances of women initiating sexual activity with minors, so calm down on the absolute declarations there.

seriouslypeedoff · 26/03/2015 19:41

Anyway back on topic. I think your sister has a cheek to be mad at you. She allowed a man she knew had, had sex with a child to look after your daughter. You have the right to be angry. She (& him) should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

DixieNormas · 26/03/2015 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ginmartini · 26/03/2015 19:45

The girl was 12.

I have a 12 year old girl. She is streetwise, quite mature, indepedant and smart - but she absolutely still a little girl.

Please can posters stop making excuses for a man who had sex with a child - no matter how old he initially thought she was, no matter how unboundaried or stupid her parents were, he was 20 and he was sexually attracted to a child.

OP stick to your guns.

DixieNormas · 26/03/2015 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

silverglitterpisser · 26/03/2015 19:50

YANBU. I would feel exactly the same n then some! Ur duty is to ur daughter, ur sister should expect that n she should never have exposed ur child to this risk. Good on u for taking this stand, I would too no matter the fallout.

CheeseandGherkins · 26/03/2015 19:52

Yes of course her parents were wrong too but, ultimately, he was the one doing it. That poor girl. She probably knew no different and didn't see it as abuse at the time :(

It certainly was though and he was attracted to a child. You should keep that in mind. I have a 13 year old girl and she does not pass for 18. If any 20 year old went near her he wouldn't last long with me around!

CheeseandGherkins · 26/03/2015 19:53

What does a 20 year old see in a 12 year old? What could they possibly have in common? It was the fact that she was a child that attracted him, I would bet on.

Homepride1 · 26/03/2015 19:56

apocalypse really I should be ashamed of what?????

If you think that a 14 year old can't easily look like a 18 year old then your clearly mental! Would love to show you some pictures of my nieces and girls I know..... Even at 14 they have the bodies/faces
/ hair etc of adults!

What I was trying to say was in some circumstances things are not what they appear (clearly very wrong and worrying in the op case) but the person I know had no idea! It was a drunken few hours in a club that lead to that! Once he found out and she decided to keep the baby he had NO relationship with the girl and just supported her thought out the pregnancy and was very involved from the time baby was born! Like I say she decided motherhood was not for her and walked out and left the baby with him, she has not seen her child for 5 years!

Even she admitted to the police and everyone that she lied to him about her age! I can't see why he should be punished for that.

Canyouforgiveher · 26/03/2015 20:06

Even if you thought a 14 year old looked 18, how many seconds of conversation would you need to notice the reality?

this. My dds are 13 and 14 and some of their friends definitely look maybe 16 or so at first glance (I've only ever encountered one 14 year old who could have passed for 18). 2 seconds of conversation or even 2 seconds of observation of their interaction with their friends and you'd know exactly what age they were.

The idea of a 19 year old having sex with a 12 year old is beyond creepy. If you break society's taboos to this extent, even if you manage to escape a criminal conviction, you can hardly complain when people later hold you in contempt. You did something worthy of contempt - dickish to get angry about it but then this is a man who thinks there is another side to sex with a 12 year old.

I wouldn't let my daughter be alone with him.

steff13 · 26/03/2015 20:08

At 13 I was 5'8" tall and in a 36 C bra. I was often mistaken for an adult.

seriouslypeedoff · 26/03/2015 20:09

Op. He wants to explain let him. I would bet my last fiver, that he didn't know, then felt he needed to step up and look after her. Really he was doing the honourable thing...he isn't attracted to young girls. Which is what he told your sister and she fell for it.

For the record. I do believe a girl can look older than she is, I also believe its no excuse for sleeping with a child.

Homepride1 · 26/03/2015 20:10

You also have to bear in mind that this happened in a adults night club, they were both drunk and to be fair chatting and getting life history was prob not that important, they spent a couple of drunken hours together!

And yes agree with other posters some (not all) teenagers can come across very grown up for age and some can look it!

My dd is 11 and her friend from school easily looks 16/17! Where as my dd no matter how you dressed her or made her up would still look like a 11/12 year old!

DixieNormas · 26/03/2015 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairy13 · 26/03/2015 20:14

People are missing the point here. It is irrelevant, even if she looked 25. He had a 'relationship' with her. He knew her age. He chose to rape her anyway.

Guiltypleasures001 · 26/03/2015 20:16

Hi op

As an aside, I've skimmed some of the other replays and don't know if this has already been said.

If God forbid he ever had anything to do with your dd ever being alone with him etc, you also would be bang to rights? I wanted to say this but it's a hard thing to type without it coming across as accusing. Having previous knowledge of his past would be raising major concerns with yourself with professionals.

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 26/03/2015 20:21

I went to school with a girl who had a baby at 12 to her 19 year old bf. She is not yet 30 either. They went on to have 5 more kids. They're divorced now and he's 36 with an 17 yr old girlfriend. Shockingly common I fear. And no SS involvement with them either.