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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not want my DC around him?

235 replies

UseYourFingers · 26/03/2015 14:45

My sister has been with her partner for 9 years, getting married in December. He has a 17 year old daughter from a previous partner. Was chatting with the daughter and she mentioned it was her mums 30th birthday party coming up. I presumed I'd misheard but mentioned it to my sister, and she confirmed that her DP got a 13 year old girl pregnant WHEN HE WAS 20!

This has made me feel really ill.

We are supposed to be going to Barcelona for her hen weekend in June and her DP was going to have all the kids, including my DD who is 12.
I've told her I don't want this to happen anymore and it's caused a huge argument. I'm not to attend the wedding until I've apologised to him.

I feel really bad. He has babysat before and I feel that I should have been made aware of all this. I've lost all sense of trust towards him and my sister.

I'm not at all implying that he is a paedophile but I can't shake off the notion that at one point in his adult life he was sexually attracted to a child. He was in a relationship with the girl until their daughter was 3.

I don't know what to do or think. Has anyone got any advice?

OP posts:
Fairy13 · 26/03/2015 15:56

I was just thinking that kew.

SistersOfPercy · 26/03/2015 15:57

Thirding Kew's thoughts. I think hitting the report button here and letting they who must be obeyed have a look might be a plan.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 26/03/2015 15:57

Had he been 14 or maybe 15 when his DD was conceived then I would feel differently.

But a 20 year old man having sex with a 13 year old child IS a paedophile. She was 13 when she fell pregnant, who knows how old she was when they started having sex?

No, you are not overreacting. It would be a cold day in hell before he was left in charge of my 12 year old DD too.

WaxOnWaxOff · 26/03/2015 15:59

I've already reported, it just doesn't ring true.

AuntieDee · 26/03/2015 16:03

I've read this with sympathy and am confused why anyone would be skeptical and report it... :(

Lemondrizzletwunt · 26/03/2015 16:03

He fits the definition: Pedophilia or paedophilia is a psychiatric disorder in which an adult or older adolescent experiences a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children, generally age 11 years or younger.[1][2] As a medical diagnosis, specific criteria for the disorder extend the cut-off point for prepubescence to age 13.[1] A person who is diagnosed with pedophilia must be at least 16 years of age, but adolescents must be at least five years older than the prepubescent child for the attraction to be diagnosed as pedophilia.[1][2]

justonemoretime2p · 26/03/2015 16:04

Wouldn't she have been 12? Why was he in a 3 year relationship after he got her pregnant? I don't understand how it went on for another 3 years.

TwinkieTwinkle · 26/03/2015 16:04

I'd hope this isn't true for the sake of the people involved. Pretty sick thing for someone to make up though.

emmelinelucas · 26/03/2015 16:08

Yukky nn in light of the OP's post.
Hmm

floatyflo · 26/03/2015 16:12

No child of mine would be left him at all. I'd be quite happy with never having anything to do with him again.

Fairy13 · 26/03/2015 16:15

I'm not even necessarily saying the OP is making it up... But there is no way he wouldn't have been prosecuted for this. I'm assuming it is widely known and on the birth certificate that he is the father? Social services would have been involved with a mother that young. Did she parent the child herself?

SS involvement would have triggered a police investigation.

DNA would have quickly confirmed him as the perpetrator. He will be on the sex offenders register. Perhaps he has just not told your Dsis this, minimised it.

Supersoft · 26/03/2015 16:17

When I was a teenager my friend got pregnant at 13 by her 18year old boyfriend. Neither her or her family were willing to press charges so nothing was done. He was very much part of her and their child's life and once she was 16 they moved in together. This all happened in 1993/94. I'm not sure what I would do in your shoes op? Have you talked to him about it?

MNHQ
BeccaMumsnet · 26/03/2015 16:17

Hey everyone - we've taken a closer look at this and we currently don't see anything to suggest the OP isn't genuine.

Could we just take a moment to remind you all of our Talk Guidelines. If you have doubts about a poster please report them to us - do not post them on the thread.

seriouslypeedoff · 26/03/2015 16:18

So is your sister saying he is no longer a paedophile? He has been rehabilitated? Because if there is a way to rehabilitate paedophiles so its impossible to reoffend, some one should tell the government and prison service.

In short, he is a paedophile and yanbu at all. I am horrified your sister allows her niece (or herself) near him.

steff13 · 26/03/2015 16:21

I wouldn't let my kids around him, I agree he's a pedophile.

As to whether he was prosecuted, I have seen lots of women in my work who had kids at 13, 14, 15, with adult men, and nothing happened to the father. Often the parents aren't particularly involved. Let's face it, having sex at 12 isn't ideal, no matter who it's with; that may indicate a lack of parental guidance in her life. They may not have cared enough to pursue it, or, they may have thought that someone is going to have to support this baby, and with its father being an adult, he's in a better position to do so outside of prison.

The school or hospital might have reported it, but if she lied to the authorities and said she didn't know who the father was or that it was someone her own age, that might be as far as any potential investigation ever got.

Mrsfluff · 26/03/2015 16:22

He got a 12 year old pregnant and they were allowed to continue their 'relationship' for another 3 years?!?

seriouslypeedoff · 26/03/2015 16:22

Hmmm I don't think he would have been prosecuted 17 years ago. 2 girls i know got pg at 14 to older men, one if them to a student teacher at our school. Nothing done. But it is also possible that he could have been and not told your sister.

Gottagetmoving · 26/03/2015 16:23

It is up to you who you leave your kids with. Your sister should not be angry with you because you don't want to leave the kids with him, she should understand your concerns.
If your sister knew about his past, she should have told you before you ever allowed him to babysit.
I would feel that strongly that I would be prepared to miss the hen party and the wedding if necessary.

Charlotte3333 · 26/03/2015 16:27

Ultimately, your children have to come first. Even above your relationship with your sister. If she can't accept that you're not happy leaving your children with him, that's her problem. Your only problem is protecting your children and listening to that gut instinct telling you you're not happy. It's pretty often spot-on.

ApocalypseThen · 26/03/2015 16:29

I'm not sure I'd want more to do with my sister if she encouraged me to leave my daughter with a man who has form for getting children of her age pregnant. It's an appalling betrayal.

perrita · 26/03/2015 16:41

Hang on. If the daughter is 17 and the mum hasn't turned 30 yet, then that would mean she was 12 when she gave birth, so could potentially have been 11 when she got pregnant?! Shock

I would react the exact same way as you, OP.

TwinkieTwinkle · 26/03/2015 16:43

OP, do you have any more information on this?

StickIt · 26/03/2015 16:44

He had sex and was attracted to a 12/13 year old when he was 20, an adult. He is a peadophile

BitchPeas · 26/03/2015 16:45

Does your DSis have DDs?

I would be the same as you.

I doubt wether it would have been prosecuted 17 years ago either.

TheSingingMonkey · 26/03/2015 16:46

The person I know of who had children with a paedophile had her children removed as she wouldn't break contact with him, so why is this situation different?

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