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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not want my DC around him?

235 replies

UseYourFingers · 26/03/2015 14:45

My sister has been with her partner for 9 years, getting married in December. He has a 17 year old daughter from a previous partner. Was chatting with the daughter and she mentioned it was her mums 30th birthday party coming up. I presumed I'd misheard but mentioned it to my sister, and she confirmed that her DP got a 13 year old girl pregnant WHEN HE WAS 20!

This has made me feel really ill.

We are supposed to be going to Barcelona for her hen weekend in June and her DP was going to have all the kids, including my DD who is 12.
I've told her I don't want this to happen anymore and it's caused a huge argument. I'm not to attend the wedding until I've apologised to him.

I feel really bad. He has babysat before and I feel that I should have been made aware of all this. I've lost all sense of trust towards him and my sister.

I'm not at all implying that he is a paedophile but I can't shake off the notion that at one point in his adult life he was sexually attracted to a child. He was in a relationship with the girl until their daughter was 3.

I don't know what to do or think. Has anyone got any advice?

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 26/03/2015 20:25

Exactly! He continued to abuse her, as I said ^, for years afterwards. It's wrong. I would bet my last fiver that he was well aware of what he was doing. What a creep. Makes my skin crawl.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 26/03/2015 20:31

In case anyone's missed it, I'd like to mention, as someone else has done, that the mother gave birth at the age of 12 years and 9 months. Exactly how likely is it that he only started having sex with her pretty much immediately before conception?

If there's no time limit for this crime when the girl is under 13, surely a paternity test and the hospital records are enough to prosecute?? Though I suppose they might somehow try to argue that it's not in the public interest. I wouldn't want any child of mine near him, though.

I'm very curious as to what his 'explanation' is - not that I think the OP should necessarily take them up on the offer to discuss the situation.

Original poster
UseYourFingers · 26/03/2015 20:32

Thanks for the input.

I just want to make it clear that neither of my children will be left alone with him OR my sister.

OP posts:
magoria · 26/03/2015 20:40

You have every right to keep your children away from a man who admits that at best he had sex with a 12 year old at worse he raped and abused a 12 year old and accepts no wrong doing.

It is your duty and right to protect your children no matter what anyone else thinks.

TwinkieTwinkle · 26/03/2015 20:42

UseYourFingers you don't have to clarify that, I'm sure everyone reading knows that in all this chaos in your life that your the sensible party.

A wee bit more to add to what I said earlier about meeting him and hearing his side of it: Doing this, with your sister being there, will allow you to ask questions that perhaps she didn't want to ask, in fear of the answers. I would be willing to bet that she fell in love with him and he gave her a rose tinted glasses look at his past. She may think she knows the full story but you getting the chance to really question everything and hearing the answers, might make her realise what a mistake she is making marrying him.

CheeseandGherkins · 26/03/2015 20:44

So she was more than likely 11 then?

Becles · 26/03/2015 20:45

Girl in my school got pregnant by 18 year old at 12, had the baby at 13. Went on to have another with him at 15/16.

It sounds unreal but it does happen, in this instance in her house with full knowledge of the parents.

TwattingNora · 26/03/2015 20:47

YANBU

Don't know why people were reporting this. I know a girl who had a baby 8 years ago. She was 13. The father of the baby was 34. Her parents were absolutely fine with this. SS were involved at the start because of her age, but they didn't know about the boyfriend- she said she got drunk one night and didn't know who the dad was. They stayed together for a couple of years

I also knew quite a few girls in school who were ''having relationships'' with much older men at the age of 12/13/14. One girl started going out with her dad's business partner aged 12, they got engaged when she was 17.

As recent events (Jimmy Savile etc) show, the idea that any girl who has hit puberty is fair game, is not an uncommon one. How many people have heard 'You're a woman now' in regards to starting periods? Some people take that phrase very literally Hmm

I don't know how your sister can touch that man, OP. You are doing the right thing. How on earth did your sister imagine you would be OK with this man ''babysitting'' a child of the same age his ''girlfriend'' was, when he (as an adult man) felt she was ripe for impregnation Hmm

x2boys · 26/03/2015 21:12

An ex colleague of mine. Was having a sexual relationship with a man who was nineteen when it started she was twelve and it carried on untillvshe was in her early twenties I don't think she realised how disturbing others might find it until her daughter was twelve!.her now long term partner also had a sexual relationship with a women in her thirties when he was fourteen! He doesn't feel he was abused but feels his partner was ( they are both the same age BTW and started their own relationship in their twenties)

Andrewofgg · 26/03/2015 21:21

I know fifteen is another matter - but as a lad of about eleven I knew of a girl who married just after turning sixteen and had a baby a few months later - what we used to call in those days a shotgun marriage. Not an ideal start to married life but they stuck with each other and had another child about four years later, and seemed to have a happy marriage until she died at age forty of breast cancer. Technically he was no doubt guilty of a criminal offence but it was better as it turned out not tom prosecute him and let them be together.

SisterMoonshine · 26/03/2015 21:42

I'm not sure I'd feel the need to hear anything about his side of things.
I know it will damage your relationship with your sister, but I think I'd avoid all things 'wedding': hen do etc
Things have changed now.

CrapBag · 26/03/2015 21:57

It's interesting that your sister hasn't told you before now. That says a lot I think.

What could he possibly say to justify this! Justify in his mind obviously.

Will you go to the wedding at all now?

SlatternIsMyMiddleName · 26/03/2015 22:27

Unfortunately I know of 2 examples.

He was 17, she was 13 when she had the baby. His current girlfriend actually said to me that the girl led him on, flashing her underwear at him whilst she played in the garden. I couldn't stomach anymore apologist shit and walked away from the conversation. No police involvement.

Another one where the man was in his early 20's, she was 12 when became pregnant, 13 when she had the baby. Police were informed and would not do anything.

I am truly appalled that statutory rape seems to no longer register on the scale of the police or the CPS.

Canyouforgiveher · 26/03/2015 23:35

It is ironic on one level that he agrees to *babysit" a 12 year old, who is the same age as the child he had sex with as an adult man. How can he accept on one hand that a 12 year old isn't an adult and needs to be minded if her mother is away, and on the other hand can consent to sex with an adult.

I'd hate to be in your sister's shoes.

justonemoretime2p · 26/03/2015 23:56

SlatternIsMyMiddleName- This is fucking insane, I can't believe this seems to be common.

DixieNormas · 27/03/2015 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RattieofCatan · 27/03/2015 07:41

Yanbu. I can believe he stayed in a relationship with her too given that I was friends with a girl who was 12 when she got pregnant and gave birth to her son. She was a foster child so nobody really bothered her about it until she became pregnant, even then she wouldn't tell them who the father was, only that he was older, her relationship only stopped when she and the baby were moved to a new home a short distance away and he stopped meeting up with her.

Hissy · 27/03/2015 07:44

Exactly what I was thinking canyou

Hideous situation Sad

flanjabelle · 27/03/2015 07:57

When I was thirteen I had a brief relationship with a 19 year old. Nothing sexual happened, but my parents put a stop to it pretty sharpish. I couldn't understand at the time Why they were so against us seeing each other. Now I can see that there is no good reason for a grown man to want to be In a relationship with A Child.

This man would not be around my child. No fucking way. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for your reaction op. It's just not right that it's being minimised like this!! What is wrong with your sister?!

flanjabelle · 27/03/2015 08:00

In fact I would be absolutely livid that I wasn't given all the facts before letting my child be around this man. Especially if she was a similar age to the child he felt it was ok to have sex with!! I wouldn't care how much of a rift it caused, I would be making my feelings known.

QOD · 27/03/2015 08:33

Well done op. Seriously, well done for ytaking this stance despite your sister

Love51 · 27/03/2015 08:56

flanjabelle How exactly did your parents put a stop to it? It seems to have been successful! There is often a fear such attempts will backfire.

patienceisvirtuous · 27/03/2015 09:02

Awful situation. I second meeting him while your sister is there. Hopefully it will open her eyes but probably not!

Jackieharris · 27/03/2015 09:09

She was only 12 years 10 months when she gave birth! So only 12 years 1 month when she got pregnant! How long was he raping (because at that age it is rape) her before she got pregnant?

Go to the police NOW!

He can still be prosecuted for this and bloody well should be. He is a danger to children!

What if he abuses DCs your dsis has with him?

It is way too big a risk to take.

Your dsis needs to be aware that if this comes to the attention of the authorities, which it could at any time, not just through you, then ss will be involved with any dc's she has with this man.

You can't not act on this. Yes, your dsis may hate you for it but if you don't and then find out later that by not reporting he has been given the opportunity to rape another child how will you feel then?

flanjabelle · 27/03/2015 09:12

They grounded me, took away my phone, ssupervised me on the computer, then checked where I was going once I wasn't grounded anymore.

They tried just talking to me first, explaining that it just wasn't right, but obviously I was a teenager so knew better.

He lost interest once he realised it wasn't going to be easy. Obviously I was heartbroken, I would never recover etc etc. I did, I was fine and moved on.