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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my DC around him?

235 replies

UseYourFingers · 26/03/2015 14:45

My sister has been with her partner for 9 years, getting married in December. He has a 17 year old daughter from a previous partner. Was chatting with the daughter and she mentioned it was her mums 30th birthday party coming up. I presumed I'd misheard but mentioned it to my sister, and she confirmed that her DP got a 13 year old girl pregnant WHEN HE WAS 20!

This has made me feel really ill.

We are supposed to be going to Barcelona for her hen weekend in June and her DP was going to have all the kids, including my DD who is 12.
I've told her I don't want this to happen anymore and it's caused a huge argument. I'm not to attend the wedding until I've apologised to him.

I feel really bad. He has babysat before and I feel that I should have been made aware of all this. I've lost all sense of trust towards him and my sister.

I'm not at all implying that he is a paedophile but I can't shake off the notion that at one point in his adult life he was sexually attracted to a child. He was in a relationship with the girl until their daughter was 3.

I don't know what to do or think. Has anyone got any advice?

OP posts:
CalamityPain · 26/03/2015 16:48

Oh my god YANBU!!

crazylady12 · 26/03/2015 16:50

I have heard of something similar wont say how am connected as it may out me, someone i know got a 14 couple of days of 15 pregnant at 25, he also lied about his age to everyone she did look much older but still i no longer have anything to do with this person its wrong

MissLupescu · 26/03/2015 16:50

My DM was 11yrs old when she had an abortion by her 18yr old boyfriend back in the mid 70's.
She then had my DB by the same man at 14.

In her case my 'D' grandmother was more concerned about how this reflected on her and that my DM was a naughty child than the fact that she was having sex with an adult at such a young age. It was always discussed when I was growing up about what a difficult child she was and there was no mention of my DGrandmothers neglect and alcoholism.
We never gave it much thought as kids because it was normalised.
It also was never questioned because my DB hasn't seen him since he was 2 yrs old.

It wasn't until my DM's psychiatrist pointed out to my mum last year that she was groomed by a paedophile and my 'D' grandmother turned a blind eye.

My poor DM and my poor DB Sad

Original poster
UseYourFingers · 26/03/2015 16:53

Kew I wish I was making it up.

sorry was on the school run.

He was 19 when she was pregnant, 20 when the daughter was born. He moved in with the girls family and brought his dd up until she was 3. Don't know the details of the split but they are still friends - she's going to the wedding as their dd is bridesmaid. I've never met the mum and am upset that it was 'hushed up' ie I was the last to know. My sister said she didn't want anyone to judge him. He said I've caused loads of upset by bringing it all up and I'm jealous of the wedding, trying to ruin it.

I didn't think of her being pregnant at 12, now I feel even worse.

OP posts:
CalamityPain · 26/03/2015 16:54

I think this is more common than people realise. I started seeing someone when I was 17 and he was 23. His friend (also 23) had a girlfriend who was 11. Apparently her Mum was okay with it. Nobody could understand why I was shocked. We didn't last long strangely.

Uhplistrailer · 26/03/2015 16:59

calamity that is just bleergh....

YANBU op, i couldn't relax if my child was being cared for by this person.

TwinkieTwinkle · 26/03/2015 17:00

The only person who has a right to be angry here is you. Are your parents comfortable with the situation? If so, ask them how they would have felt towards a man who got you pregnant at 12 when he was almost 20. Tell your sister that her embarrassment or upset is none of your concern, she hid his past from you and you don't feel comfortable with a man, who would be classed as a paedophile and jailed nowadays, around your daughter. Especially as she is the age his 'ex' was when she ended up pregnant.

steff13 · 26/03/2015 17:01

The person I know of who had children with a paedophile had her children removed as she wouldn't break contact with him, so why is this situation different?

Maybe no one ever reported it to Children's Services or the police. Or, it was reported but the girl or the girl and her parents lied about her age or his age or who the father actually was.

As far as the OP's sister is concerned, if he's never been charged, I think it would be hard to bring a case to remove her children. I don't think that you in the UK have a statute of limitations on such things, but I'd say since the victim is now an adult, she would probably have to cooperate to bring charges now. It seems unlikely she would do so, since they are apparently friendly.

Guiltypleasures001 · 26/03/2015 17:02

Hi op

You don't have to imply he's a paedophile I can clarify that for you he is one, he's just not been reported or charged.

Don't leave your daughter with him now you know this, and ide be questioning your sisters judgement on this relationship. Im assuming other members of your family know about this?

No apology needed, he's got a lot of explaining to do and Im surprised he wasn't reported by a midwife or health visitor at the time.

You are completely in the right, he is a child molester

silveroldie2 · 26/03/2015 17:02

YADNBU. If I had children there is no way in hell I would let him babysit or go anywhere near them unaccompanied. Is your sister not horrified by what he did? how can she consider marrying him in the circumstances?

I would tell her there is no way you want to attend her wedding as she is marrying a paedophile.

irretating · 26/03/2015 17:03

I think you've done the right thing. I wouldn't leave my children with a man who got a child pregnant.

Chillyegg · 26/03/2015 17:04

Thats just horrendous!

However thinking back my bf at 11 had a "boyfriend" that was in 6th form. She didnt look 11... Eurgh you don't realise how horrific these instances are as a child and just accept it. YANBU! He's only pissed of because he KNOWS it was wrong!

namechangewontchange · 26/03/2015 17:04

my sister at 13 got pregnant by her boyfriend who was 23 at the time. She had her baby at 14 and there was no concern expressed by the midwives or hospital staff. No involvement from SS or police at the time? Tbh the crowds we hung around in were all a lot older than us and the men were in their 20s sleeping with underage girls. No one seemed to care at the time and they even use to joke about if the girl would wear her real school uniform for them. There was this one man in particular who i wish i could report now but wouldn't know where to start. He was 26 and vile, specifically went for school girls. He used to come out with things like "well if theres grass on the green then its ok'. Vile disgusting man- makes me sick thinking about it now especially as i have 3 girls myself. So yes OP i would not allow such a man to babysit knowing what he is capable of and yanbu.

TwinkieTwinkle · 26/03/2015 17:08

namechange why did no one closer to home report the situation? Not meaning that in a nasty way, just wondering.

Icimoi · 26/03/2015 17:10

Your sister didn't want anyone to judge him? What on earth did she think was going to happen? Surely you're not the only one who's capable of doing the maths, OP? Are your parents seriously OK with this?

As for "I'm not to attend the wedding until I've apologised to him": stuff that. In your position I wouldn't want to attend the wedding anyway. OK, to be charitable you could assume that it was just something stupid he did when he was a possibly immature 19 year old and he's presumably "gone straight" since, but allowing him to look after your children without telling you was totally irresponsible.

FunkyPeacock · 26/03/2015 17:11

Agree with the majority - there is no way I would leave my DD under the care of this man

TBH, I cannot imagine a scenario when I would leave my DD alone with any man (without someone else being present too) for an overnight trip other than my DH or Dad.

ElsieMc · 26/03/2015 17:15

My dd had a child at 14 by someone aged 18. We were told the age gap was too small to prosecute,but she certainly was not the first. In fact the Judge in family court made light of it and said it was commonplace as though it was a recommendation rather than a flaw in character.

Needless to say, he has carried on in the same vein. He married but wife soon left and it is common knowledge he is having very young girls back at his home who he continually insists are "legal". He is 31 now. Just yuk.

It is a child aged under 13 I believe that attracts a more substantial sentence. Your instincts are warning you here as well as the evidence. Your sister needs to wake up now. Do not attend the wedding and do not apologise for keeping your child safe.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 26/03/2015 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorahDentressangle · 26/03/2015 17:20

I don't know, the DSis has been with him for 9 years.

Seems there's been a lot of water under the bridge, he must be 39 now.

TBH it's unusual DP has all the kids, but maybe as he is older that is sensible.

Your shock is understandable, Dsis should understand this.

namechangewontchange · 26/03/2015 17:21

Twinkle- I really don't know, I was 15 at the time and not really involved with the pregnancy. It is shocking as her school were completely aware as was her support worker or whoever it was who was helping her to deal with it. There was also an instance when he took her to a hotel and my stepdad was desperately trying to find out which one it was. He tracked them down and informed the hotel staff but again no involvement from SS or police? When my mother found out and went crazy my sister ran away with him for months. I think she tried to get police involved at the time but they just weren't interested? ?

TheJiminyConjecture · 26/03/2015 17:27

No way would I be prepared to leave my child with this man. Certainly not at the same age as his previous "ex".

I would also be furious with my sister for not telling me and taking away my right to decide whether he is or isn't suitable to babysit by withholding pertinent facts.

Original poster
UseYourFingers · 26/03/2015 17:28

Our mum didn't know until I told her. She is disgusted but she won't say anything to my sister just to keep the peace. Our dad is unaware afaik.

She just texted me and said he'd asked if I would meet with them both so he can explain his side but
At the minute all I feel like doing is going to the police and at least speaking to someone. I have no idea if he was prosecuted or on the register, I don't think I'd get the truth if I asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
UseYourFingers · 26/03/2015 17:31

Dawn thank you. We live in different counties, would I have to go to their police office or mine?

OP posts:
LadyIsabellaWrotham · 26/03/2015 17:31

Just out of pedantry, a paedophile is someone who is attracted to prepubescent children, which that poor girl clearly wasn't. Still a vile predator upon a vunerable child though, and in the absence of any evidence of remorse or rehabilitation I wouldn't want him anywhere near my daughter.

Feckeggblue · 26/03/2015 17:33

I remember the absolute outrage when a 12 year old girl got pregnant in the mid 90s- by a similar age boy- front page, headline news. She was supposed to be the youngest British mother. Wouldn't this 11/12/13 year old have been pregnant at a similar time?