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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my DC around him?

235 replies

UseYourFingers · 26/03/2015 14:45

My sister has been with her partner for 9 years, getting married in December. He has a 17 year old daughter from a previous partner. Was chatting with the daughter and she mentioned it was her mums 30th birthday party coming up. I presumed I'd misheard but mentioned it to my sister, and she confirmed that her DP got a 13 year old girl pregnant WHEN HE WAS 20!

This has made me feel really ill.

We are supposed to be going to Barcelona for her hen weekend in June and her DP was going to have all the kids, including my DD who is 12.
I've told her I don't want this to happen anymore and it's caused a huge argument. I'm not to attend the wedding until I've apologised to him.

I feel really bad. He has babysat before and I feel that I should have been made aware of all this. I've lost all sense of trust towards him and my sister.

I'm not at all implying that he is a paedophile but I can't shake off the notion that at one point in his adult life he was sexually attracted to a child. He was in a relationship with the girl until their daughter was 3.

I don't know what to do or think. Has anyone got any advice?

OP posts:
SylvaniansAtEase · 26/03/2015 17:34

I'd absolutely go to the police. Does your sister have children?

BreacaBoudica · 26/03/2015 17:34

Great place for pedantry... sigh.

TwinkieTwinkle · 26/03/2015 17:37

Lady the term is broader nowadays, although that is technically correct, someone who abuses a 12 year old in a lot of cases would be considered a paedophile.

namechange that's terrible. Perhaps your family didn't want any more trauma for your sister, felt in their own way they were protecting her. In any case, I hope she grew up to be well adjusted, with no problems because of what happened.

Original poster
UseYourFingers · 26/03/2015 17:38

Norah he was having the kids Friday through Sunday as he was available all weekend.

I wanted to add that other than recently, I have always got on well with him and his family. We've been on holiday together a few times and for nights out with my husband before we divorced.

OP posts:
Original poster
UseYourFingers · 26/03/2015 17:42

The daughter was born in feb 1998, her mum is 30 in April.

OP posts:
miniavenger · 26/03/2015 17:42

OP I would go and listen to his 'side' but be prepared to challenge him on it. There's no justification for what he did, it would be good if at least one person had the balls to look him in the eye and tell him that his 'side' still paints him in the same light.

It would be good for your Dsis to hear it too.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 26/03/2015 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairy13 · 26/03/2015 17:49

lady lets for arguments sake use child sex offender then. It is still statutory rape.

When I was 14 I had a "boyfriend" of 23. He had a record for sleeping with underage girls.

Years later I found out that he raped a girl at my school who was the year younger than me.

Your sister needs to be aware that she is failing to protect her children by allowing them contact with this man and if SS became involved they would take a very dim view of it.

TwinkieTwinkle · 26/03/2015 17:49

OP, I would meet him to hear his side of it. It wouldn't in any way change my opinion of him or make me happy to leave my child with him. I would just be so bloody intrigued as to what way someone could ever justify having a sexual relationship with a 12 year old when they were 19. Especially since the girl clearly didn't lie to him, if they were together for another three years after.

SistersOfPercy · 26/03/2015 17:53

Not sure what side of it you could present to make a 20 year old sleeping with a 12 year old in any way acceptable tbh.
I think her parents have a lot to answer for as well.

Homepride1 · 26/03/2015 18:03

Depends on the circumstances really.

I know someone who was out celebrating his 25th birthday in a club and met a girl (she said she was 18 and was in a over 18 club) they went home together and had sex.

4 weeks later he got a phone call at his work place from said girl who told him she was pregnant and only 14!

The baby was born and within one year the girl walked away and left her son and he has had full custody since, child is now 7!

The police did get involved and he was arrested for this but wasn't charged and a lot of that was due to the girls parents! She was a bit of a troublesome teenager and lied a lot and was always playing up and staying away for days and was often found at random men's houses.

CheeseandGherkins · 26/03/2015 18:16

This is vile. Not only did he abuse a child he then went on to abuse her for 3/4 more years. Presumably, during that time, he would have found out how old she was (if he wasn't already aware, which I doubt he didn't).

I would NOT let this "man" anywhere near my children and would refuse all contact with him.

hackmum · 26/03/2015 18:37

"The daughter was born in feb 1998, her mum is 30 in April."

So, the mum gave birth at the age of 12 years, 9 months? So when she conceived, she'd just turned 12? Creepy doesn't begin to cover it.

ApocalypseThen · 26/03/2015 18:37

I know someone who was out celebrating his 25th birthday in a club and met a girl (she said she was 18 and was in a over 18 club) they went home together and had sex.

Anyone who thinks a 25 year old couldn't tell the difference between a 14 and 18 year old of it didn't suit them to pretend they had no idea is a gullible chump. Of course they can. Ridiculous to blame an immature child for the behaviour of a fully grown adult. You - and anyone else colluding in this deception - ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

paddlenorapaddle · 26/03/2015 18:42

He is a pedophile please please please trust your instincts.

hampsterdam · 26/03/2015 18:45

A girl from my class had a baby at 13 by her step dad who had a son with the girls mum already but was much younger than the mum. Hope that makes sense. Girl has had 3 more kids with him as far as I know he's never been done for it I've often wished I could have reported him and her so called mother. No idea how he got away with it god knows what his own young daughters could be going through.

UncleT · 26/03/2015 18:57

'No question' of social services being involved. Mass 'surprise' and amazement at the prospect of this possibly going unreported and unchallenged all those years ago.

Are you fucking serious?? Anyone here read the news at all??

Supersoft · 26/03/2015 19:05

I would listen to him and see what he has to say.

Original poster
UseYourFingers · 26/03/2015 19:17

I think I've got a lot of thinking to do. I can't see how he can justify it but I do agree with the above poster who said that the girls parents have a lot to answer for - he may not realise how wrong it is because they allowed it, whereas most normal parents would go straight to the police.

Thank you for the info dawn, I am going to the police station on Monday and will ask about this.

I've told my sister I will meet her after Easter as I can't let this spoil my DC's holidays.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I feel like I have an army behind me and it's given me the confidence to do something about the situation.

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 26/03/2015 19:19

Apocalypse it can happen that someone believes a 14 year old is 18. It certainly is not impossible.

Andrewofgg · 26/03/2015 19:23

For one reason or another he was not prosecuted: until 2003 there was a twelve-month time limit if the girl was 13 or older. And therefore he is not on the sex-offenders' register and it is probably too late now.

But he is on your register, or he should be. You probably can't avoid ever seeing him, but you can make absolutely certain that he is never alone with your DD. Sod the hen night, sod the wedding, sod her being your sister if you have to - your first duty is to your DD and I think you know it.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 26/03/2015 19:24

No way are you being unreasonable.
That's sickening.
As others have said he should be on sex offenders register.

CheeseandGherkins · 26/03/2015 19:24

Oh come on. He may not have realised at 20, how wrong it was, to abuse a 12 year old? Really??! Hmm He was he one at fault, the role her parents played (or didn't), was secondary to this.

Don't absolve him of blame purely for the sake of family relations. He sexually abused a child

BeautifulPain · 26/03/2015 19:27

Yuk, I wouldn't let my children anywhere near this man!

ApocalypseThen · 26/03/2015 19:30

Apocalypse it can happen that someone believes a 14 year old is 18. It certainly is not impossible.

Well it's funny how women don't make this error and men don't make it unless they want to have sex. With a child. If people stopped accepting this utterly nonsense excuse and called these poor old deceived men for what they really are, it'd be much better for everyone - perhaps even for men who want to put their penises in children and don't now have a socially sanctioned excuse so they maybe don't do it.