daughter home from university

[yoyoyoy]

My dd is at uni and will be coming home for holidays . I am a single parent on a very limited income ( less than £15k pa) . She lives on a student loan and grant topped up with £200 a month from her dad , my ex . Aibu to charge her something when she is home ? I have broached the subject with her but she got very stroppy about it but it seems to me that as she will be at home for a third of the year and using my food and utilities it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect a small contribution from her . She is adamant that she won't get a job as she is tired from studying and needs to recharge her batteries but othe uni age kids seem to be able to work a few hours a work , so why won't she . She seems to be able to live on her loans/grant and money from dad as she doesn't go out much at uni and certainly doesn't go out drinking at all and when home hardly ever leaves the house . I am minded to say that if she won't give me some money for her keep she can spend half the holidays with her dad and he can keep her for a while . Any ideas ?

This wonderful 1st class degree won't be worth the paper its printed on without some decent work experience to back it up.

A third class degree with nothing will be useless, second useless without lots of work , first not so much, it will buy her more opportunities.

And she doesnt NEED to have work experience for every single holiday either.

And all of it is useless without the positive attitude and compulsion to actually work and do something which is hard with depression.

The rule of thumb in my family household was that while in education you didn't have to pay any rent or contribute. My mother was a single mother and she upheld this even though things were tight financially.

Also point out to her that summer jobs do add to a cv - fab if she can find something related to her field of study or future career and even if not having held jobs shows that you have experience of dealing with xy and z situations, working as a team, dealing with public. It gives her the chance to learn about working relationships and work etiquette without it being a massive disservice to her career if she cocks up - it is good to learn from mistakes when it isn't critical to her future So when she goes out in to the big bad world of employment she has learnt a few basics dos and don'ts and can use that experience to move her chosen career forward, it is part of growing up and she is old enough to be that grown up and it would stand her in good stead.

YANBU. My mum asked for money for my keep when I was home for the holidays and to my eternal shame I never gave her it. I was completely out if order and still feel about it now.

YANBU but I felt like my mother was when she was in your position ten years ago.

My solution was to move out permanently and live year round in my uni town. Best decision for all of us, and I'm glad for many reasons that I did.

Silver, you may want to read the ops post of 13:51 yesterday. I can't cut and paste do wont have the exact wording but "I'm concerned it won't reflect well when she leaves and tries to get a career type job"

And she's spot on.

As a manager who does recruitment, I'd give the job every time to the person with the second class degree and the work experience because I need someone I can do and not someone with a first class degree but no practical experience, and nothing to show me they can actually dig deep, be resourceful and look after themselves. I would genuinely be concerned about employing someone who "only" studied for x years.

Someone who can do not someone I can do

She may well not be depressed. I never went out much at university because I preferred reading. And when I was home I didn't go out much either. My parents didn't ask for any financial contribution, but I did a hell of a lot around the house. And they would have been pretty unimpressed if I'd done nothing but recharge my batteries from about June 8th till Sep 20th. She does need work experience on that CV. It's very very unusual for a 19 year old to have nothing. If she's at the end of her first year and hoping for internships on her year abroad then she'll be applying for those over the next 6 to 9 months. She'll be in a much better position to get them if she's got something on her CV other than high marks in First Year (which a lot of students will have). If she's studying on her YA then that's not the case, perhaps, but then she's still got a very barren CV. It really isn't enough just to have a good degree. And work experience can actually enhance your academic performance. It really is a bad idea on every level to plan to do nothing for 3.5 months.

I think this thread has splintered into two separate discussions, with some posters arguing at cross-purposes to each other. There are two issues here - first, whether student children should be obliged to take a job in the holidays, as opposed to "recharging their batteries" by doing nothing and secondly, whether parents should expect/accept a financial contribution to the household from their wages.

Is there anyone on this thread who would honestly defend the right of an able-bodied nineteen or twenty-year-old to spend the entire twelve or thirteen weeks of the long
university summer holiday sitting about at home in an aimless and completely unproductive manner? (Fair enough to take a couple of weeks off at Easter and Christmas.)
This would be totally detrimental to the young person in the sense of turning their back on the chance for new experiences, opportunities and the increased self confidence that comes with them as well as encouraging completely undesirable and habits and attitudes.

Whether parents expect or need a financial contribution from their child's wages during the holidays is a separate matter, with no "rules" and and will vary from family to family. Some affluent families may not need or wish for any direct contribution to household expenses and continue to provide bed and board while simply making their child responsible for all personal, non-essential expenses while they are working. Others may take nothing on the expectation that their child saves at least some of their wages for future use. Other, less affluent families , like the OP's, who are only just coping with supporting themselves, and who incur extra expenses when student children return, are definitely justified in a expecting a contribution to offset this because it is needed.

Therefore, all students should work in the long thirteen-week holiday and those whose families need it, should make a financial contribution.

Some affluent families may not need or wish for any direct contribution to household expenses

A few posters on here have said they had nothing and were supported.

Right now I would say more than anything this girl needs a mother who seems to want to see her in the holidays and want her at home. At the moment it doesnt sound like she has any respect for her degree or her.

Agree with RJ. And in fact if you plan to do nothing but pursue the First Class then you end up having far more academic pressure on the degree, as that's all you have.
I got a First. My parents were v generous to me and I didn't work in term time, and they didn't charge me in the holidays, but they could afford not to. I worked every holiday (and sometimes it was really hard to find work, and it was a matter of cleaning people's houses, gardening etc or volunteering) and I'd help my parents round the house and take them out for dinner instead of a financial contribution. Because by the time you're 19 it's time to realise that you don't just sit back for 3.5 months and do nothing while somebody else funds you. Why on earth would any future employer think it was a good idea to employ somebody with that attitude? And she could easily be asked in a job interview how she spent her summers at Uni.

But the OP had said that she does need a contribution as she is already at the point of "just coping" before her daughter returns home and adds to the household expenses. Financial need has nothing to do with a lack of love for her daughter.

That was to Buds.

The OP has said very clearly that she's very proud of her daughter. She seems (very understandably) frustrated and surprised by her daughter's attitude. It's bollocks to turn that into her having no respect for her degree.

OP said she has limited means. And it seems that some people on this thread have no idea what that can mean in reality.
Supporting a full abled bodied adult who refuses to work is going to put a huge strain on her budget.
That's three months of food - so 90 days of 3 meals a day, being 270 meals. Even if you allow only £1 per meal, that is still a lot of extra money if finances are already stretched to bursting.
If DD is at home all day - and she won't have any money to go out, so she probably will be, then the chances are she'll be having snacks, drinks etc at home too. And using electricity with extra showers, washing, TV on/phone charging etc.
These things all add up when you are on a strict budget with little room for manoeuvre.

What is OP supposed to do - not eat for three months so that her DD can have a luxurious holiday?

Great post bettercallsaul

I am shocked at some of the posts on this thread accusing the OP of not loving her daughter or viewing her as an income stream - how on earth do people take this out the OPs posts ?

I don't know how people have interpreted her posts like that either. There have been some very unpleasant responses.

because...the over all tone is that her dd isn't doing anything she is - however doing a great degree with lots of opportunities in all sorts of things and is hopefully on for a first. She has also said she is a sensible girl who has been good with her money.

I feel op is talking about her like she is totally feckless lay about who dropped out of school, who is sitting at home refusing to work and loafing off her, whilst going out getting pissed.

Her DD is doing something and something very worthwhile she is furthering her education, that has value. she shouldn't talk about her as though she was my 2nd Para.

What is OP supposed to do

as has been said, maybe look at other reasons why she wants a break, why she is not keen to get a job.

Not all students who work benefit from it, top uni's discourage it and think time is better spent on studies.

Some universities do (try to) impose a strict limit on the number of hours students work during term time so that academic work is given priority and there is definitely some sense in this, as long as students can afford it. I have never heard of a university trying to ban working over the long summer holidays.

I suggest re reading the posts then because all she says is she thinks her DD should get a few hours work during the long summer break, she states not during term time or the Christmas and Easter breaks . Her DD is described as becoming stroppy at the idea of getting a few hours work and clearly feels it's her Mums responsibility to sub her while she recuperates from the strain of the last nine months, a month of which was holiday.

If any DC of mine took that line I would be on AIBU with a far more strongly worded OP and yes I do love my DC very much

My DM was on a very low income when I was at uni. I took temp jobs every summer holiday. I'd have felt horribly guilty sitting on my arse while she worked all hours for low wages.

I would tackle your DDs attitude. I would talk to her about that and not the money specifically.

She has demonstrated a lack of empathy for your situation, she is taking you for granted, she is implying that her tiredness trumps yours so you should work to feed her while she has a rest for three months. That is not a nice way to treat your mum, especially a mum on a low income working her arse off.

Would your ex give the £200 to you again for the 3 months she is home?

As better said while some unis discourage term time work, they do not discourage vacation work for those students who have a 3.5 month break. It's during this break that the OP wants her daughter to do something rather than nothing. She hasn't mentioned Easter or Christmas. Indeed she's made it very clear that her daughter foes seem to work hard academically.
Oxford is q strict about term time working, but their terms are only 8 weeks long. The Oxford students still work in the holidays.