daughter home from university

[yoyoyoy]

My dd is at uni and will be coming home for holidays . I am a single parent on a very limited income ( less than £15k pa) . She lives on a student loan and grant topped up with £200 a month from her dad , my ex . Aibu to charge her something when she is home ? I have broached the subject with her but she got very stroppy about it but it seems to me that as she will be at home for a third of the year and using my food and utilities it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect a small contribution from her . She is adamant that she won't get a job as she is tired from studying and needs to recharge her batteries but othe uni age kids seem to be able to work a few hours a work , so why won't she . She seems to be able to live on her loans/grant and money from dad as she doesn't go out much at uni and certainly doesn't go out drinking at all and when home hardly ever leaves the house . I am minded to say that if she won't give me some money for her keep she can spend half the holidays with her dad and he can keep her for a while . Any ideas ?

millie the girl's husband now pays directly to the girl the maintenance that he used to pay OP. Presumably also there's no longer any CB. Together that amounts to well over £300 a month. That's a v significant drop.

I used to work very hard during easter and xmas breaks at uni and wouldn't have been able to if I'd be forced to get a job too but I didn't know anyone who didn't get a job over the summer. Three months is a ridiculous period of time to do absolutely nothing in. Particularly if you're eating the food and using the electricity of someone on a tight budget. I wouldn't charge her rent but I'd expect her to cover the increase in your bills (food, electricity) that she'll cause by being there. It shouldn't be double since cooking for two is cheaper per person than one, and she won't use that much extra energy but she should pay her way.

If exam are looming then I wouldn't expect a uni student to work over Christmas and Easter. However, in the summer months presuming exams are all past and studying is over then yes get a job. Unless in halls, most students have to cover rent for their student digs anyway and unless they are super scrimpers this isn't factored in when they work out disposable income.

Mine doesn't pay anything when home, which has equated to 6 months off in the early years. Despite receiving tax credit and child benefit before going to university I wouldn't expect it. It's my way of helping out as I am unable to give money due to low income. I do say to save money and work in the summer to cover rent and personal expenditure. Wine and meals out and stuff.

yes we definitely notice it when both dds are home but we only pay for food. my dh does give them money from time to time when requested in term time for good reasons and we took 1 dd on holiday last year. expensive times.

Woodhill, people on a limited budget do not usually waste food, because they cannot afford to. So if you made enough mince for two people, then you have two meals out of it. You would never throw it away just because you'd made too much.

I'm astounded how many people simp,y refuse to understand that there are many people who have to budget very carefully in order to live within their means.

Having to cater for another person for three months is a big commitment for anyone.

nor do I Katie in regard to food waste but I still think the food bill will not double.

hopefully her dds dad will help out

I know that when my housemates DD stays with us over the holidays the foodbill does increase by 33% because we do budget carefully and don't waste food so we have direct evidence of how 1 person can make a huge difference.

The dad is helping out by giving DD £200 a month. The problems is that she does not want to pay for any expense her DM is going to incur by having an extra person to cater for.

My son who is at gives me £25 a week towards the food shopping when he is here, its enough to cover the extra to making meals stretch from 2 to 3. The bills don't really go up much when he is here, a bit more for gas I suppose. If I could afford not charge him I would but I am a single mum on a minimum wage.

yes I totally understand what you are saying Katie. sounds like dd does need to get a job for some of the time to help out

Maybe she could discuss with exH, having part or all of the £200 he gives to the daughter each month paid directly to her during holidays to cover additional food and utility costs?

SilverBirch I think that's a really good idea.

OP, if you're as broke as you seem to be from your posts, you need to take action to sort yourself out before asking for money from others.

A child is not a source of income, let alone a permanent paycheck for parents. Kids grow up and go. Maintenance money is paid for the child, not to finance either parent, and has to be spent on the child, by law. New laws are coming in to make sure that maintenance is spent on or by the child in cases of parental separation, incidentally, and not to fund the lifestyles of resident parents.

I really don't mean that point unpleasantly: like it or not, you must see that your DD will leave home permanently soon and you will have to make ends meet.

If I were you, I would spend time now thinking how to support yourself for the rest of your life. Bear in mind that your DD, who you have not supported financially through university, and are now trying to charge for food and heat in the holidays, may be as inclined to 'help' you as you are inclined to help her, which is not very much.

Studyingmummy
Presumably OP had child benefit, tax credits and maintenance when dd was still at school? The ex now pays the maintenance straight to DD so I would guess the OP is 'down' at least £300 (CB+ maintenance + TC) compared to when DD was there full time.

So all this time, the OP spent nothing of her own income on her DD... it was only the dad?

Corygal the Op already does support herself. She just can't afford to support another adult. That's fine. Her wage is fine to support one adult. To the posters who will comment that the op should have retrained and shouldn't rely on the ex.. Have you ever thought about maybe op has had no choice to retrain and get a better paying job being the resident parent? Honestly MN is another world sometimes. I always paid rent to my mom and dad, even out my income support. I don't know anyone who could really afford another adult living in there house for longer than two weeks with no contributions.

I expect the OP's income helped to pay for a roof over the girl's head, her food, clothes, pocket money, bills, mobile phone, school books, internet etc etc. Quite a weird leap and assumption to think that just because the OP's income is down now that her daughter has left home, she didn't spend any of her income on her before.

Corygal what are these new laws?
They sound like they are just trying to control womens spending habits. I hope they don't come in. This would be extremely regressive.

itsbetter I have a colleague (a man) who spends a fortune on maintenance for his two kids who live with his ex-wife and her boyfriend. The money he pays certainly doesn't go on the kids alone...

DD will have Uni rent to pay during the summer, won't she?. What will you do if she doesn't immediately get a summer job, in this land of "abundant employment?" Tell her to go stay with her dad? If you are at a stage where you can afford bills and set amount of food only then I guess you will

Although is some ways I can see both sides Im a bit at some posters who are intimating that you put a roof over her head, fed & clothed her in her childhood etc; I don't see the relevance - children don't ask to be born, we as mothers decide to have them so how does that equate to them somehow "owing" us for our own choices? After all we are the parent, they are the child - not the other way around.

You've said your DD manages on what her dad gives her (is he suddenly going to stop giving her £200, somehow?) so really, she can buy her own food etc. Unless of course you are wanting some of the £200 to put towards your usual household bill which would increase a little if she was there.

mistress - I don't know if it's my post you're referring to when you are talking about how the OP fed and clothed her etc. If so, I was responding to millie's apparent belief that the OP didn't spend any of her own income on her daughter before her daughter went to university. I certainly don't think that anyone providing for their child needs commendation.
I do think that an adult planning in March to recharge their batteries for the whole of the long summer vacation needs a wake-up call unless they're ill. I've just asked a second-year student when his last exam is and it's on May 22nd. Undergraduate courses won't start again until September 20th or so. Also - not all students will pay rent over the summer. If she's been living in halls of residence and going into private accommodation, she may well have a contract that will begin in September. That's what my DSD did, and therefore didn't pay rent over the summer.

Sally I was on the thread yesterday & read through then so no, not your post specifically, I was speaking in general re. tone of some parts of thread. I have 2 Uni students coming home for summer too so I know what its like. Even when 1st year students are leaving halls of residence they need to secure their accommodation before moving out and returning home for the summer. Private landlords start student contracts in the summer not September so yes, rent will definetely have to be paid during summer period/before student moves in, unless student wants to find themself homeless. Both my DDs are Uni students and thats what they did, as did I when I was at Uni; I've never heard of landlord/letting agency granting tenancy and then saying ok, you just start paying in September when you move in.

All in all yes, I do think OPs DD could get a job, its just the relying on that, that made me think hmmm alongside not being able to host your DD for a little while. Money is tight for loads of people, me included..but if that tight Id have to get up and do something about it (& have done before); not just for DCs but for self..as a woman/mother you just never know what can happen.

If DDs dad is giving her money then she could have a rest from stress/study over the summer. Uni workload is terrible. She'll be into adult life soon enough and will have to work for many years. Id say different if the DD was at Uni messing around being wasteful, etc..but OP has said she manages on her loan money, doesn't go out drinking so, it sounds as if generally she is sensible enough hence maybe, she does feel she needs time out for whatever reason. Hopefully if her dad is supporting her that will take strain off OP anyway, DD can support herself with that. To include, buying food..

Better than a box - not sure when the new rules are coming in, but they were proposed then agreed last year. Case law from family law courts has already been established. I'm not a lawyer as you can no doubt tell.

In a nutshell, children over a certain age will have the right to decide, or to be consulted on at any rate, how part of their maintenance is spent by their resident parent. And I think (stress on think, I might be wrong) that there are to be new ways to pay maintenance direct to older children eg students.

MillieV and so it shouldn't. Maintenance should go on keeping the household where your children are raised. It doesn't need to go directly on those children.
Resident parents shouldn't be policed on how they spend the money. It is to keep the household where the children live and are cares for not just you buy nappies with this bit of exact money.
I hate that attitude. It is men trying to control and infantilise their ex partners!

Corygal thank you for explaining.
I do hope it is only for older teens/students.