daughter home from university

[yoyoyoy]

My dd is at uni and will be coming home for holidays . I am a single parent on a very limited income ( less than £15k pa) . She lives on a student loan and grant topped up with £200 a month from her dad , my ex . Aibu to charge her something when she is home ? I have broached the subject with her but she got very stroppy about it but it seems to me that as she will be at home for a third of the year and using my food and utilities it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect a small contribution from her . She is adamant that she won't get a job as she is tired from studying and needs to recharge her batteries but othe uni age kids seem to be able to work a few hours a work , so why won't she . She seems to be able to live on her loans/grant and money from dad as she doesn't go out much at uni and certainly doesn't go out drinking at all and when home hardly ever leaves the house . I am minded to say that if she won't give me some money for her keep she can spend half the holidays with her dad and he can keep her for a while . Any ideas ?

I'm surprised by some of the replies on this thread.

I worked throughout all my uni holidays and I was doing an intensive course (Medicine), as did most of my friends.

I didn't pay any board in the holidays but my parents were comfortable.

If the OP is stretched financially I really don't think it is unreasonable for her to expect a small, even token contribution from her adult daughter.

Do watch for signs of depression though.

Totally normal for a student to work at least over the summer holidays and contribute to their own upkeep
It's very selfish of her to expect to lie around for three months while her cash-strapped mum goes out to work.
She's in the minority of students I know by this refusal to work. The ones I know are working at night in bars, restaurants and call centres at night and are planning on working over the summer holidays. I think it's great they are taking responsibility for their own lives although they know there is still the safetynet of home to fall back on

If the daughter is at uni then she's an adult. I don't understand why do many on here insist on treating their grown up children like kids.
If you're well off and can afford to support your kids into adulthood then fair enough, though personally I don't think it does them any favours in the long-term.
However the OP can't afford to so yes her dd should contribute.
I had a little chuckle at her being too tired to work, I'm a LP and a student, I also work 30 hours a week. At 16 I had my own home and a full time job. Some of my younger colleagues are lazy beyond belief, now I know why.

She's in for a real shock if she thinks she shouldn't get a job because she needs to recover from being tired studying! When do you get to laze around for months OP?

I'm a similar age to SilverBirch2015 and I worked in the university holidays and made a contribution (not a massive one) at home. It was the norm among my friends so I'm utterly amazed at her attitude.

My niece worked in the holidays throughout her degree and did the same.

I honestly don't know anyone who has their children at home without contribution of some kind, even if it's in the form of help round the house if the student is unable to find work. One of my friend's sons was unemployed after university and didn't make a financial contribution but did all the the cooking and gardening and redecorated several rooms until he secured employment.
And it's so difficult for students graduating now that those who have never worked or volunteered are at a disadvantage. I don't understand why she isn't looking at least to use her languages for that length of time.

I worked throughout uni and after the first summer I stayed up in London in the holidays as I had left home as it were by then

If you are tight for money then it's difficult but I do think asking for money for rent and food in a uni holiday is rough on her. However for her to announce she won't be looking for work and needs a three month break is absurd and would put my back up and then make me think ok but not on my dime !

If she isn't working how will she pay fares, cinema tickets, coffees or her phone bill ? That is what I would not expect to be paying a penny for .

Did a huge amount of you miss the ops income in the first post?

Asking her to feed etc another fully grown adult with no extra income to the household would be a huge stretch. It's not like she is refusing to support her child. She's saying here is a fully grown adult, with no responsilbities over the summer, who is throwing a strop at being asked to contribute to her own keep.

Someone asked, who charges their own child rent? The answer around here is, everyone I know. DH and I were paying towards our keep ever since we were 16. People don't live on fresh air for three months. Op you are utterly not being unreasonable. And people don't seem to have even read the point that you ar enot asking for rent - its a contribution towards her living expenses. And yes Internet can cost extra if you are on a capped contract and someone exceeds that.

Some of you on this thread are very very unreasonable. There is a huge difference between not wanting your child home and saying I am no longer able to fund you so please contribute when you do come home.

I'm quite stunned at some of the answers to be honest.

Expecting an adult working 'child' to pay keep is of course fair, but supporting a student expected to gain a first class degree is another matter.

I will sacrifice and support my son through university holidays because very soon he is going to need every penny he can lay hands on. He has a few well paid casual jobs lined up for the summer and he can keep that towards his growing expenses. Even graduation day is expensive. He has learnt about budgeting in the last two years, blow your money in one week and you wont' receive any more kind of thing. He will be home for around 4 months, and I will neither ask him for any money or give him anything towards entertainment, leisure etc. Food and costs of utlities will be covered by me because that's how I defining supporting a student. Anything he can save during the year he will have to spend on life next year. It's called helping your child.

And I'm presuming you can afford to do that guns.

My oldest is still two years from uni and if our financial position maintains we could afford not to ask her for money during the holidays. But firstly we are not the op and secondly it is still my expectation that she will have a job. And I do firmly expect I will ask for a contribution towards household expenses. Because that's what life it like. No one lives on fresh air.

Three months of holidays is an awful lot of time to be doing nothing and expecting others to pick up the bills for you.

My mil is on a similar income to the op and I'm imaging her trying to support another adult for a quarter of the year.

Yabu and I'm sorry but you also sound v v unkind. I really wonder what sort of parent you are because it sounds as though you actually don't want your daughter around. I think you have to consider very carefully the message you are sending, because the simple fact is that if you wanted her around you'd make it happen instead of trying to get rid of her by telling her to live with her dad. You're hardly making her feel cherished, loved and wanted, are you.
She wants to spend time with you and you are making her pay for it - literally. If you carry on like this then she just won't spend time with you in the future.
All she is trying to do is better herself and get ahead in life by getting a degree - at vast expense and significant financial risk to herself. Most parents would be supporting and trying to help their children minimise their outgoings and reduce the huge pile of debt they are stockpiling but you plainly appear to see her as a burden on your resources and I feel very very sorry for her because no child ought to be made to feel that way.

I dont see it as anything out of the ordinary. An extra meal at mealtimes - electricity minimal. He will paying for all fares out, leisure entertainment etc out of money he's saved while having been at uni.

He has a uni scholarship for first to go to uni from family / low family income / plus a sports scholarship, plus three small sponsorships from private companies, and a little bit of paid work here and there - eg £400 for London Marathon week. Sooner or later he's going to need all that and more. He's a good saver, wanting a car, does not drink or go out to excesses, and I doubt my expenditure will rise that much for three / four months.

There is a world of difference between allowing student offspring to have a few weeks off to "recharge their batteries" in the shorter university holidays like the Easter and Christmas ones and enabling this for twelve or thirteen weeks in the summer. Students, like the rest of the population, need and are entitled to some regular down-time, even if they can't afford to go on holiday but no-one needs or is entitled to take twenty or so weeks per year which is what all university holidays would add up to. It may well be that, after having a week or ten days off at Easter, a student has a reading list for the following term which definitely counts as work. The long summer holiday is completely different though: it is a distinct break between years and is meant to be spent on other, useful, activities - not to doss about at home!

I think to allow a student son or daughter to indulge in such a lengthy waste of their time is actually failing in parental duty. Even at nineteen or twenty, young people
often need a nudge in the right direction and not enabled either to fail themselves or to place an extra burden on other people, as is the case here. This is the opposite of parentsl love which is to encourage your child on the road to self development, responsibility and ultimately independence.

This, of course, rests on the assumption that the OP's daughter has no health issues which would warrant investigation and perhaps a different initial approach.

Better, that's beautifully put.

Gunn, obviously again you have assessed and can afford to do that. Which is great for you but it isn't your finances we are talking about. Also I can see your son is getting work here and there where he can, and a sports scholarship suggests he has doing extra work around that too, so the entire situation is completely different (I would still be expecting him to contribute to his living costs tbh though)

I standby my earlier comment. A couple of friends who are single parents had similar issues towards their children when they started Uni. Because child maintenance from the father had stopped and child benefit they were no longer receiving income for parenting their children. Their view of children living under their roof was that they should receive financial reward for them. Being a parent is not a job, it is a responsibility.

The perception of their parental role had skewed, partly because of ongoing resentment towards their ex-partners higher income and jealousy of their child's opportunity. I reiterate children, adult or child are not income generating sources.

Ironically my own experience as a student as made me fiercely independent financially so I have never allowed myself to become dependant on others, choosing to maintain my career when I had children. My son chose to work before he went to Uni and the first couple of years he was there, maybe he was following my example.

It is ridiculous not to work in the holidays...I always did. It stops you getting bored, gives you extra financial freedom and looks good on your CV.

All she is trying to do is better herself and get ahead in life by getting a degree - at vast expense and significant financial risk to herself

I agree. Maybe op would have preferred her DD not to go to uni and be working now, in the real world?

Yet with careful encouragement she can have enormous potential with a first in languages.

I think that's very true silver. Many seem to see children as being a source of income, be it from the state or a partner. It's a trend that would be better off disappearing.

I think it's quite mercenary to charge children to live or stay in their family home. Fair enough to not support them financially when they finish education and leave home for good as adults but to begrudge doing so until then makes me wonder why so many bother becoming parents.

I suppose I just see it that he does have a lot of expenses - travelling to compete internationally can set him back a couple of hundreds at a time - flights / accommodation aren't reimbursed until at least six weeks later. So he needs as much money as he can get really. Even train fare home is costly, and therefore I just look at it that whatever I can do by way of comfortable home, food etc is my way of supporting his future aspirations. He can't work full time during holidays because of his 3 times a day - six days a week training regime. He will sacrifice that here and there for non-contractual work. He has a goal in mind, an achievable target, and it's my bit towards helping him. I do not contribute anything financially to him and haven't for 18 nonths while he's been at uni. He has more money than I do.

The perception of their parental role had skewed, partly because of ongoing resentment towards their ex-partners higher income and jealousy of their child's opportunity. I reiterate children, adult or child are not income generating sources

I agree.

• Fair enough to not support them financially when they finish education and leave home for good as adults but to begrudge doing so until then makes me wonder why so many bother becoming parents

Gong to uni and remaining a student prolongs transitional phase from child to adult, if ops DD had finished uni, and was moping at home, different story.

he has more money than I do

I think your son does have a specific set of circumstances that don't apply to most students, tbf.

the perception of their parental role had skewed

The parental role is to produce a fully functioning adult, not to infantilise one with independent income and the ability to work to support themself. That is a true skewing of parental responsibility. And no I am not a bitter single parent, I am half of a married couple raising our own bio children, both of us were the first in our familes to go to uni, both worked full time throughout our courses and had no financial support or expectation of such from our families.

I would hesitate to suggest that someone who is so exhausted from first year studies that they require three months to sit on their arse recharge their batteries has any sot of glittering future ahead of them. Unless of course there is a health issue there, which needs addressed.

What did you do before she went to uni? Did you earn more then?

Either way she should be thinking about getting a job. 'I lay around doing nothing all summer' doesn't make for a great CV.

RJ, you are correct that a parent's role is to support their children in becoming a fully functioning adult. However I see nothing in the OP's post that suggests that is what she is concerned about.