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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

daughter home from university

298 replies

yoyoyoy · 20/03/2015 12:47

My dd is at uni and will be coming home for holidays . I am a single parent on a very limited income ( less than £15k pa) . She lives on a student loan and grant topped up with £200 a month from her dad , my ex . Aibu to charge her something when she is home ? I have broached the subject with her but she got very stroppy about it but it seems to me that as she will be at home for a third of the year and using my food and utilities it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect a small contribution from her . She is adamant that she won't get a job as she is tired from studying and needs to recharge her batteries but othe uni age kids seem to be able to work a few hours a work , so why won't she . She seems to be able to live on her loans/grant and money from dad as she doesn't go out much at uni and certainly doesn't go out drinking at all and when home hardly ever leaves the house . I am minded to say that if she won't give me some money for her keep she can spend half the holidays with her dad and he can keep her for a while . Any ideas ?

OP posts:

a1992 · 22/03/2015 01:39

I'd be telling her to get a job, I am currently studying full time (40hr course load per week) as well as working 42.5hrs a week for work. So i have no sympathy for anyone who is to tired to work from doing course, while on break and not studying. That may seem harsh but I still stick by it.

It may be tiring but its still doable

KatieKaye · 22/03/2015 06:34

For those who would "try to manage" - how would you do this on less than £15k a year?
By not eating for three months?
By getting a second job?

This girl is being lazy and selfish and living in an alternative reality if she expects her financially pushed mother to conjure up more money so that she can lie around for three months.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 22/03/2015 06:42

I find this scenarios quire disturbing.

You are a single mother in a tough financial situation. Your daughter is, what, 19/20? She must know that you have very little money coming in. More to the point,you have explicitly asked a little contribution. And yet she says no. I would be less upset about the money and more disturbed by what this indicated about my relationship with my daughter. She obviously has little respect or empathy for me

cedricsneer · 22/03/2015 06:52

At first I thought you were being a bit mean, but you have explained yourself really well and you seem to have empathy for her confidence issues whilst gently pushing her to take the next step. This seems much less about money for you and more about wanting to see your dd blossom and start to become appropriately independent.

I do think this is about fear on her part - ime "laziness" is usually the perceived behaviour when there is some feeling underneath - in this case fear.

Could she see a careers counsellor at uni? Or maybe go to the gp about a proper counselling referral if her anxieties around getting a job/rejection/whatever are really deep seated? Apologies, I haven't read the whole thread, but this is what I have picked up.

whattheseithakasmean · 22/03/2015 07:31

For those who would "try to manage" - how would you do this on less than £15k a year? Maybe the OP should be trying to improve her financial circumstances herself, instead of looking to her daughter to provide the solution? You know, increase her hours at work, retrain in her spare time. Her mum's low wages are not her daughter's responsibility.

I would never expect my child to contribute financially to their own home - this is the safe refuge to which they can always return. Having been effectively kicked out by my parents at 17, that is a number 1 parental priority for me.

But I would nag my child to get a job in the long university vacation. The difference is, this would be entirely for their own good and completely unconnected to my own financial circumstances. If I need more money, that is my responsibility, not my childs.

KatieKaye · 22/03/2015 07:45

You display a fundamental misunderstanding because it is quite evident she only wishes her daughter to acknowledge the additional financial expense and to make some sort of contribution towards that.
How constructive to suggest it is OPs fault she is in a low paying job. That's victim blaming.

whattheseithakasmean · 22/03/2015 07:51

In what way is the OP a 'victim' ? Of her 19 year old daughter? Dear god, everyone is a victim nowadays. Whatever happened to personal responsibility? So the daughter has to be a contributing adult but the mum is a downtrodden victim. Great role model.

comingintomyown · 22/03/2015 08:15

Yes personal responsibility , at 19 years old the DD should have personal responsibility

This idea that once you have children you are totally responsible for them until such time as they decide to go into the world is not a viewpoint I understand. At 18 years old you are an adult and minus extenuating circumstances need to start to take responsibility for yourself not look to your parents to carrying you particularly if they can't afford to do so

Pipsqueak11 · 22/03/2015 08:24

My dd1 at uni and none of her mates parents charge for food when they are home - my dd would be devastated if I tried to make her contribute - she will work in summer hols but not at easter because will be revising . I think Yabu to charge her

KatieKaye · 22/03/2015 08:26

You are blaming her for not having enough money to be able to support an able bodied adult who is choosing not to work. She is a victim of her DDs decision and of oeople who judge her for having the effrontery to be poor. Nice work and very supportive.
Yes, whatever happened to adult children having personal responsibility and the intelligence to realise their parents income is finite?

Pipsqueak11 · 22/03/2015 09:03

Well how much extra is it really going to cost to feed her for a few weeks? I just think balancing the hurt it wil cause dd making her feel unwelcome will out balance the fairly small extra cost of some food . Sorry if my opinion offends

ilovesooty · 22/03/2015 09:13

"Hurt"? " Devastated"? To be asked to make a small contribution to their upkeep?

I can't imagine how these little snowflakes are going to manage in the big bad world outside.

comingintomyown · 22/03/2015 09:14

It's not just about the actual amount of money it might cost though is it. There is a world of difference between a child coming home for three months and either making no or a very small contribution while either trying hard to,find or actually having a job versus a child coming home for three months and having a hissy fit when asked to find a part time job and help with food costs.

I don't think the OP ever meant it to be more than a small contribution which doesn't even touch the sides when it comes to the overall cost of running a household.

Topseyt · 22/03/2015 09:40

Victim!? Hardly.

Most of us on here have said that the girl should be willing to do some work in the long summer holidays and that the OP is reasonable to encourage this. We then divide into two camps: Those who want contributions towards household expenses and those who recognise how much their student children (who are often already racking up debt via student loans) need that money so don't ask for any. I fall into the latter category. Both are valid viewpoints.

We actually don't know how the OP phrased her point to her daughter. If it was along the lines of "come if you like but you'll have to pay me, I can't afford you" then it would hardly have sounded welcoming and may have got her daughter's back up and had the opposite effect to the one intended.

If she phrased it along the lines of "it will be lovely to see you. I don't have as much financial leeway as I would like so you would have much more freedom to do things if we try to find a part time job for you" then that might work better??

What is the attitude of the girl's Dad here? Is he encouraging her to get work experience or is he at odds with the OP about it (I realise he is an ex). That could have an effect too.

ilovesooty · 22/03/2015 09:48

If she comes home and volunteers she isn't going to have any extra money but if she stayed in her university property she'd still have to find money for food and toiletries at least. Therefore whether or not she's working she can still contribute if her mother doesn't have much financial leeway. What I'd find unacceptable is a total refusal to consider any kind of work experience over the long vacation, paid or unpaid - she should in my view be looking into this herself and not needing input from a parent to do so.

woodhill · 22/03/2015 10:03

I think she could do some work but I would rather she used the money for her future. I suppose the OPs food bill would be more expensive but not double.

different if dd wasn't a student and had a full time job.

KatieKaye · 22/03/2015 10:07

How much will it cost to provide all food and drink for an adult for three months? That is £270 minimum. Not easy to find if you are already cash strapped. It is not just a few meals for a few weeks.

EatenEasterChocsAlready · 22/03/2015 10:17

I worked every Easter and Summer holiday from when I was fifteen and right through the summer holidays while at Uni I worked every single weekend from the age of 15 to 19. Every single weekend. Then I worked full time/ P Time between home and uni and through uni.

I wish someone had said to me, forget it, concentrate on the end goal which is the degree.

Yes I got pitiful pin money but it was a total waste of time and I would have been better off concentrating on my work.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 22/03/2015 10:29

This is a really interesting thread.
Both sides have really good points.
I started off thinking that the OP was BU, but having read the posts, I am not sure she is.
The key thing for me is that she is working hard at Uni, on target for a first so she is not work-shy and is making the most of her time there.
I think DD needs to feel she is welcome at OPs home.

I think it is fair to ask her to contribute towards food while she is staying as a student. But if she stays at OPs when she is working, she should pay more.
That seems like a reasonable compromise.

peacefuleasyfeeling · 22/03/2015 10:32

What an interesting thread. For what it's worth, OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. As far as I can see you are not asking for her to pay rent, only to contribute to costs which will increase as a direct result of her being there. And you don't sound at all unwelcoming. You have to work within your own set of circumstances and anyone criticising you who is not living on less than 15k sound uncharitable.
I come from a low income family of divorced parents, left home at 15, and moved to the UK at 17. When I started my degree as a mature student at 20, with no expectation of financial assistance from either set of parents, I was already working full time at a call centre and renting a flat with friends, so my situation was a bit different. My course required full time attendance, so I changed my work hours to evenings and weekends. (Didn't get in the way of getting a first, it is totally doable even for students who work during term time.)
But the point I really want to make is that I knew that when I would return home to stay with my dad for a month or so of the summer holidays, it would be a huge strain on his finances. He found it humiliating and awkward and didn't want our time together to be overshadowed by not being able to afford even the basics. I knew, so I paid my way. Sure, I was still paying rent on my flat but I would have had to buy food whether in England or in my country of origin. I really don't think you are asking too much.

ilovesooty · 22/03/2015 12:25

The thing is peaceful you were sensitive to your father's circumstances.

It doesn't sound as though the OP's daughter has any sensitivity at all.

MillieV · 22/03/2015 12:32

Didn't read the whole thread, but oh my. I had it good then. No grant, no loan. My dad gave be a "salary" for all those years I was at uni and paid for my fees.

OP - you are the parent. She's still in full-time education. You don't contribute while she's away, only her dad does. Why would it impact you now when she's home from uni versus a year ago or so when she was still at school?

Don't you have more cash now that she's effectively away 2/3 of the year?

KatieKaye · 22/03/2015 13:22

Woodhill, of course the OPs food will be double if she has to cater for two instead of just one. For three whole months.

shes facing a 100% increase on her normal spending.

Studyingmummy · 22/03/2015 13:24

Presumably OP had child benefit, tax credits and maintenance when dd was still at school? The ex now pays the maintenance straight to DD so I would guess the OP is 'down' at least £300 (CB+ maintenance + TC) compared to when DD was there full time. Of course, expenses have also reduced but when DD comes home OP will have extra costs for food & utilities. I am surprised that so many on here think that a parent on a very low income should subsidise living costs for her adult DD who is unwilling to work over the 3 mths summer holiday! Really?

woodhill · 22/03/2015 13:26

not necessarily in the sense that u can make a dinner for 2 and sometimes you can waste food if there is only you itms

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