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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

daughter home from university

298 replies

yoyoyoy · 20/03/2015 12:47

My dd is at uni and will be coming home for holidays . I am a single parent on a very limited income ( less than £15k pa) . She lives on a student loan and grant topped up with £200 a month from her dad , my ex . Aibu to charge her something when she is home ? I have broached the subject with her but she got very stroppy about it but it seems to me that as she will be at home for a third of the year and using my food and utilities it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect a small contribution from her . She is adamant that she won't get a job as she is tired from studying and needs to recharge her batteries but othe uni age kids seem to be able to work a few hours a work , so why won't she . She seems to be able to live on her loans/grant and money from dad as she doesn't go out much at uni and certainly doesn't go out drinking at all and when home hardly ever leaves the house . I am minded to say that if she won't give me some money for her keep she can spend half the holidays with her dad and he can keep her for a while . Any ideas ?

OP posts:
Fudgeface123 · 20/03/2015 13:15

So it's not fair on the DD to have to pay but what is OP supposed to do, magic money out of thin air? Tell her to get her lazy arse out and find a job and contribute something to the household!

Quitelikely · 20/03/2015 13:15

I think you are being unreasonable.

If she has to pay to live with you she might as well pay to live somewhere she enjoys!

I think it's a terrible idea to tell her she needs to stay with her father half of the month too.

I can understand if you are so hard up you can't afford to buy her food but your attitude would make me feel unwanted.

Your her mother. I would share everything I had with my children, regardless of anything.

Heels99 · 20/03/2015 13:16

Internet doesn't cost more if you use it more!
Switch the heating off.

2rebecca · 20/03/2015 13:16

I never got charged rent as a student when I went home and don't intend to charge my kids. My accommodation is no more expensive when they are here and cooking for 1 or 2 extra not that much. If skint I would charge them the cost of the extra food and drink as they are the main extra expenses. Getting a job for the odd 2-4 weeks here and there isn't easy and my son just gets 2 weeks for xmas and Easter. In the summer I expect them to do some sort of job when students.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/03/2015 13:18

I'd tell her to buy her own food and that she has to pay me £10/20 to cover the extra utilities.

I wouldn't give her the wifi password if it cost me extra.

And there's no reason why she can't get a summer job.

bigbuttons · 20/03/2015 13:20

not very welcoming really is it? I would not be surprised if you don't see much of her at all.

viva100 · 20/03/2015 13:24

What kind of work do you want her to find during the summer holidays though? I did legal internships in both summer hols and they would leave me poorer than before bc they wouldn't pay much or at all. But I needed them for my career. If my parents would have insisted I get a supermarket job or refused to put me up, it would have seriously damaged my career prospects. And I would have resented them dearly.
If she is outright refusing to get a job though, she is BU. So YANBU to encourage her to take some responsibility if her plan is to laze around the house for 3 months.

AnythingNotEverything · 20/03/2015 13:24

The OP didn't mention charging rent that I can see, more like board to cover food and toiletries.

I think adults who come home from uni and expect to sit on their backsides and watch TV on a contract someone else is paying or eating food someone else has bought are very entitled, especially within a not very well off household.

PeachyParisian · 20/03/2015 13:27

Ffs who charges their children rent?

If you really can't afford to subsidise the difference in utilities/food then ask for her to pay the difference. Asking for more is out of order. Do you not want her to come home?

Duckdeamon · 20/03/2015 13:29

op has clarified that it's a relatively small contribution she's like for food etc. no mention of her DD doing any internships.

As for it being hard to find work temporarily for holidays, yes it can be, but nothing ventured nothing gained! And her Dd isn't doing herself any favours by not even trying.

Micah · 20/03/2015 13:29

If it's the summer holidays there'll be no extra heating/lighting?

How would internet cost more? I've haven't come across usage related costs since the days of dial up!

So it'll be hot water for washing, laundry etc. Not too much if she doesn't take the pee.

Temp jobs in the summer aren't that easy to find.

How did you manage before she went to uni?

Do you have other kids? Do they contribute?

BaronessEllaSaturday · 20/03/2015 13:29

She is only asking her to pay the difference.

gunnsgirl · 20/03/2015 13:29

Well out of order. You've enjoyed the benefits of lower food bills while she's been away, haven't you? It's give and take.

We have less than £15K total, no other children for benefits, working tax etc, and when my son comes home from university he will not be expected to do anything. He is my son, more than welcome to him room back and if he doesn't wish to work during the summer, he will not be forced to. If the uni students can exist during their academic year and even be able to save, presumably they think that is why they've saved it - to fund themselves through summer. She could buy a few bits and pieces out of the money she's saved on not buying herself so much food at uni - but I'd try and cut back on other things. She won't be with you for long. Enjoy her company while you can.

TheShouldersOfGiants · 20/03/2015 13:34

YANBU - not if you can't afford it. Be explicit about what you expect with her, don't do it in a whingy naggy mum way and she should see you are being reasonable. If she doesn't, your problem is that you have a selfish daughter who takes you for granted, not that you are skint.

What internet contract are you on in this day and age that charges by how much you use?

Original poster
yoyoyoy · 20/03/2015 13:34

Peachy , that is exactly what I was proposing to do . And I did NOT say I was going to charge rent .

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 20/03/2015 13:34

"Enjoyed the benefits of lower food bills while she's been away"

What exactly the fuck are you talking about?

OP- YANBU at all. If you can't afford to subsidise an unemployed adult, then you can't afford it regardless of whether it's right or not.

And personally speaking, I would also be made to feel most unwelcome if I wanted to move back in with my mum and sponge off of her. And quite rightly so too!

Becles · 20/03/2015 13:34

@PeachyParisian My mum and most parents of my friends. The rent / board went straight into household funds or to used by parents to treat themselves. Additional food, heating and electricity costs don't tend to be waived by the utility companies or supermarket and we respected our parents enough to either offer an amount to meet costs or not grumble when asked.

TheCuttingEdge · 20/03/2015 13:37

How does the Internet cost more?

AlbrechtDurer · 20/03/2015 13:37

Most people get five weeks a year to "recharge their batteries". I teach in a university and nearly all of my students work or do internships or volunteering over the (three-month) summer vacation. It's a tough world out there, and having a cv that suggests that you are workshy is going to send you to the bottom of the pile.

gunnsgirl · 20/03/2015 13:41

Yes, Saucy Jack - my son is at university and since he has left my expenditure on food has reduced. Is that a difficult concept to grasp? That could mount up to a fair amount over the year to assist with added bills when students are home.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 20/03/2015 13:41

BT does a combined phone/broadband plan which still has capped internet usage, you get charged if you go over it. Up until very recently my parents were on that plan but since retiring they have found their usage going up and up.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 20/03/2015 13:43

gunnsgirl if you are being honest about the situation then you will have lost more in losing tax credits and child benefit when your son started uni than you have saved. That will amount to a fair bit and mean that the op has significantly less money in the budget to save from.

queenofthepirates · 20/03/2015 13:44

When I was at uni, my mum rented out my bedroom to a student at our local uni to make ends meet (she was a single mum too). It meant I couldn't spontaneously come home unless I slept on the sofa but gave my mum some extra cash. I wasn't wild about the idea but I can see the benefits 20 years on!

gunnsgirl · 20/03/2015 13:46

I did lose child benefit and tax credits, but I threw myself into more work and personally having them home is not an issue. My point was more to the OP about give and take. It's all very well saying that her spending will increase when her daughter's home, but surely she's saved something to be able to cater for that. That's all I meant.

SaucyJack · 20/03/2015 13:46

No gunn, it's not difficult. It's so obvious I'm at loss to understand why you've stated it as a factor.

Of course you expect your food bills go down once your adult child moves out of home and starts supporting themselves.

But what does it have to do with the OP?

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