daughter home from university

[yoyoyoy]

My dd is at uni and will be coming home for holidays . I am a single parent on a very limited income ( less than £15k pa) . She lives on a student loan and grant topped up with £200 a month from her dad , my ex . Aibu to charge her something when she is home ? I have broached the subject with her but she got very stroppy about it but it seems to me that as she will be at home for a third of the year and using my food and utilities it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect a small contribution from her . She is adamant that she won't get a job as she is tired from studying and needs to recharge her batteries but othe uni age kids seem to be able to work a few hours a work , so why won't she . She seems to be able to live on her loans/grant and money from dad as she doesn't go out much at uni and certainly doesn't go out drinking at all and when home hardly ever leaves the house . I am minded to say that if she won't give me some money for her keep she can spend half the holidays with her dad and he can keep her for a while . Any ideas ?

My mum was in a similar situation, although my dad gave me £25 per week. During the holidays I handed over the £25 and worked to top up my savings for the next term - theory being I would have spent that on food and bills anyway.

Vivien, no its not un heard of and its not a crime either,she will be hopefully working for the rest of her life, ONE summer, being at home and doing her own thing is not a crime and wont ruin future job chances.

if you know about depression you will know thats its not being lazy, its not having energy or will to do anything as there seems to be no point,

so best thing to do is try and re ignite love of life/ point again and get enthusiasm going. by next year, with support and happiness she should feel better and want to do work and so on.

it seems to me this is a delicate situation and a parent who doesn't understand students calling her lazy is counter productive.

I agree completely with BudsBeginingSpringinSight. And to be honest having done uni myself I wouldn't force anyone to work who really doesn't have to. Being able to concentrate on your work is an absolute blessing.

This thread is creeping me about a bit. I too was the first to uni, did languages, got £200 from my dad each month, was pretty damn scared about getting a job (or rather, of being rejected repeatedly or getting a job and being fundamentally incapable of doing it).

I will say this: try not to put the pressure on too much next summer. For my second summer I applied for a DAAD grant to go on a course over four weeks of the summer (only possible if German is one of the languages, but there might be similar things for other languages) and got it. It was an absolutely terrifying experience travelling abroad for the first time in a context where I knew no-one would be picking me up at the other end, and that I'd have to find my own way to my accommodation, but it was a really great experience. I met people from all over the place and it did a lot for my confidence (despite the fact that I was a bit of a nervous/depressed wreck still on the surface... those experiences still add tiny building blocks deep down under the mental health issues).

If I'd had to find a job I wouldn't have been able to do that - and I doubt I'd have found a job anyway. Maybe if she's terrified of being rejected for jobs like I was, she can sign up to be a Peer Mentor or similar at the start of second year. She probably won't have to do anything, but it could get her a few hours of pay and some confidence for having tried.

Honestly? My first thought when I read your post was 'poor daughter'. Clearly from your opening post you have not been to university and see it as a lazy option and the only reality you understand is work. I think this rent thing is a load of bollocks. If you want to make her feel bad and resent you, you are doing it the right way. I think she will be wanting to move out as soon as she has a job as most people do so we are only talking about three summers here. I doubt you have really listened to the what she wants to do with her life because she has probably been open ended like most graduates are. Really, the biggest help you could do is just help her find a part time summer job rather than guilting her about money. I'm sure if you actually helped her look for something for the summer, she would do it and once she actually has the money you could then ask for some board. If she is on track for a first, your main concern is protecting that precious result as this will be what helps her to get a job in a very short time and allow her to pay her own way for the rest of her life.

If she is on track for a first, your main concern is protecting that precious result as this will be what helps her to get a job in a very short time and allow her to pay her own way for the rest of her life

That first is the most precious thing it really is, will open up so many doors, courses, grad schemes etc.

Also, I have talked a bit harshly there and I do know where you are coming from about work and it's importance. It's just I would say her attitude to her first job is pretty normal for an undergraduate and as a mum, you can be adding some adult input here to help her build some work experience and make this a bonding experience rather than something that pushes her away.

buds she's doing a languages degree, so the tiny bit of language work you speak off will directly contribute to a first, as will a productive year abroad. Spending more than three months doing no language work at all would be extremely detrimental to her performance. If she's not unwell, then spending time in the country of her languages either working or volunteering would be ideal. It's what we advise our students to do all the time (University languages Dept). Our best performing students are those who've opened themselves up to experiences and learnt from them.

Really, Oddity? I kind of agree with your conclusion, but what I read in the first post was someone who simply couldn't afford to keep her (adult) daughter over the lengthy summer holidays.

As further posts reveal, she may need some support (and encouragement) to find a job if she can. If someone needs the best part of 4 months off to "recharge" after studying for a languages degree I think either they are taking the piss, or in this case more likely, experiencing some kind of MH issue.

I am, aghast, however at the numbers of posters who are prepared to continue to treat their student kids like little children and cushion them so much. For sure, help the out, but those who are adamant their children won't pay a penny towards their keep whilst they are studying, I ask why, and in whose interests, do you want to infantilise your children?

YABU.

Millington, parents need to take responsibility for kids who are doing their best.

I am, aghast, however at the numbers of posters who are prepared to continue to treat their student kids like little children and cushion them so much. For sure, help the out, but those who are adamant their children won't pay a penny towards their keep whilst they are studying, I ask why, and in whose interests, do you want to infantilise your children?

How is it infantilising them and people seem to have this idea that they have to force their children to pay their way as a means of making them grow up and have responsibility - they'll learn that regardless!

If you can't afford them, fair enough then they need to pay. But if it's just a case of you trying to prove a point then why? Why make it any harder for your son or daughter? They'll have many many years of paying their own way, so yes I think if you can, you should try to cushion them.

This is so very, very sad.

I agree with GraysAnalogy. I think if money is tight and you need them to contribute then fair enough but I'm glad my parents didn't insist on me working through college holidays as once I left university I've been working pretty non-stop. The long summer holidays (where I did bits of temping I was crap at and some bar work I was OK at) were a well savoured and much appreciated luxury.
My son's doing a vocational degree so I'm keen for him to not idle about and game all over the summer, but if he does a bit of work experience and makes an effort some of the time I'll be happy.

yoyoyoy have not had time to read all the posts but replying to your original post, as you are not asking her for rent etc but just asking for help with things that she will influence like utilities and food then I think it is reasonable she pays something and reasonable she works a bit if she can in the holidays.

Try and work out your costs now over a number of months (to work out an average) for just you and then see what more is needed for her too.

My parents spoilt me by looking after me long after they needed to, it was nice, but it was not really necessary.

Hope it works out well. Try and enjoy the time she is home and if you can get her joining you on any shopping trips etc then she will see how much it costs!

Just a reminder all jobs are not equal. Some really are a lot better paid! So a lesson in using her time wisely!

If it is a languages degree can she not get a job in a restaurant of that nationality?!!

I worked in a restaurant and the money for waiting staff was good.

Could she find a job that would actually be beneficial to longer term work?

YANBU to expect her to contribute A LITTLE at home when she comes back

Yabu to think she can do that without a job.

The answer is that she needs a kick up the arse to get a job. She gets a looooong summer. She should work full time for the 10 odd weeks if she wants to not work at all the rest of the year! Bloody hell, how many grads are trying to get a job with 0 experience? The ones lining up at the job centre, that's who :-/

I'm in a similar position to OP and last year my student son actually had no seminars of lectures after April so went back after Easter for just a fortnight, then came home. Effectively he was at home for nearly half the year. Also gets a grant and I am raising 2 younger kids still at home on minimum wage. This year my other son is also at uni so there will be two of them home and no more child ben or anything that used to help with food. And two grown men cost a FORTUNE to feed! I know that one of them is already stoney broke. The other has a bit of money left but only because he is so frugal and careful so it wouldn't be fair on son 2 (careful son) to ask for money, as son 3 can't pay it anyway. I just have to cook even more than I already do, from scratch and bake most days. I feel bad that they are this age and don't have wealthy parents with a mortgage paid off, and lots of spare money. But my life didn't work out that well. They know we struggle. I don't know what to do, either.

WayfaringStranger, where on earth did I say that I would be happy for them to sit on their arses all of th uni holidays?

I said the complete opposite if you bothered to read my post. My daughter has a part time job in term time and has always tried (successfully so far) to get work in the summer holiday. That money though is needed to go towards other things, which I cannot afford to subsidise, so she keeps it for that.

Nothing wrong with doing it that way.

I also said that once my children have a permanent regular income then they will pay me board if still living at home.

None of that means sitting on their arses during all uni holidays.

YABU. I can appreciate money is tight, but she is not your cash cow. My mother and father behaved this way to all of their children 40 years ago. Allowing us to live rent free but paying a hefty amount to cover food and bills. None of us children ever forgave them. A parents role is to support their children until they are in a position to support themselves. Can you imagine how you are making her feel when no doubt many of her friends are being proudly supported by their parents.

• not paying charging us

SilverBirch I'm struggling to take that post seriously. Offering a contribution to the household hardly renders the daughter a cash cow.
You and your siblings never forgave your parents and you think all parents who accept a small contribution to expenses are failing to 'proudly support' their children and risking those children's reputation in the eyes of their peers?

Yes I agree with posters saying she should get a job to cover stuff you can't afford to pay for e.g. going out, toiletries, treats/extra food/snacks etc.

I really don't think she or you should think of it as 'contributing financially' as such while she's a student.

Silverbirch I understand what you're saying and sometimes you can't help but project when something has affected you deeply.

". A parents role is to support their children until they are in a position to support themselves."

She is able to go out and find a job to support herself, she just doesn't want to. She isn't a primary school child.

And shame on you quite frankly for "never forgiving" your parents for making you pay your own way. It makes you sound about thirteen.

This is honestly one of the strangest threads I've read in a long time. Paying "keep" to your parents once you're an adult is absolutely the norm amongst everyone I've grown up with, and across all parental income brackets.

To those saying they wouldn't expect their adult children to work, contribute, help at home are you not worried you're raising children that will be unable to cope in the real world?

Totally agree ^^

I think it's the sense of entitlement that would irritate me most, lazy around for three months whilst I was working full time.

I used to interview for graduate recruitment in the last Company I worked for and thought very poorly of students who had never had a weekend/holiday job - not even a paper round. Doesn't matter how academic their degree is, most people can find something part time - even if it has to be voluntary.