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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

daughter home from university

298 replies

yoyoyoy · 20/03/2015 12:47

My dd is at uni and will be coming home for holidays . I am a single parent on a very limited income ( less than £15k pa) . She lives on a student loan and grant topped up with £200 a month from her dad , my ex . Aibu to charge her something when she is home ? I have broached the subject with her but she got very stroppy about it but it seems to me that as she will be at home for a third of the year and using my food and utilities it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect a small contribution from her . She is adamant that she won't get a job as she is tired from studying and needs to recharge her batteries but othe uni age kids seem to be able to work a few hours a work , so why won't she . She seems to be able to live on her loans/grant and money from dad as she doesn't go out much at uni and certainly doesn't go out drinking at all and when home hardly ever leaves the house . I am minded to say that if she won't give me some money for her keep she can spend half the holidays with her dad and he can keep her for a while . Any ideas ?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 20/03/2015 15:13

making herself employable Sorry.

ShebaRabbit · 20/03/2015 15:28

As she's the first in the family it will be extra stressful for her navigating Uni with no "cultural map" to fall back on. other students may have networks and family contacts that she doesn't so you need to push her on people skills as that's what she will be relying on in place of networks when she graduates. Explain this to her.
A job will give her confidence and as Sally said she needs that for her year abroad. It probably all seems overwhelming to her as being the first all family expectations are on her shoulders or she could be just capitalising on the whole "you haven't a clue about Uni and don't know how stressful it is" thing.
You know her well enough to know if she's playing you or not. If not then is there anyone you know who could employ her or put a word in for her. Its hard to give them that pep if its not there but obviously she is bright and can apply herself when she's motivated. That's half the battle. Well done you for getting her this far.

Mrsstarlord · 20/03/2015 15:30

I can't believe the number of people on here who think it's wrong to ask an adult to make a contribution to the running of the household or to find a job rather than sitting on your arse for three months. OP you are not being unreasonable, neither do you sound like you don't want your daughter home. You don't have to treat your adult kids like 12 year olds in order to demonstrate love.

redcaryellowcar · 20/03/2015 15:36

Yabu and imvho behaving in such a way your dad won't want to come home, you'll be on here next year moaning that she never comes to see you. I think if you want to maintain good relationship with dd as she becomes an adult then make sure she is as welcome as any other houseguest, might also be worth 'modelling' good guest behaviour when you visit her at uni, taking gifts and buying food?

ilovesooty · 20/03/2015 15:39

If she's "coming home" she's not a "house guest" is she?

Do you go and stay for three months with people and expect to be subsidised and not make any contribution?

thesaurusgirl · 20/03/2015 15:42

Something doesn't sound quite right about your daughter.

Is she depressed? A huge part of uni is about socialising and she doesn't seem to be doing much of it, yet still she says she needs to "recharge her batteries".

Students at the end of the second term in the first year are also never "predicted Firsts" - they are still totally unknown quantities at this stage. So have you come to this conclusion yourself? If so, is she feeling the pressure?

Students who are very motivated academically are almost always very motivated career-wise. Yet you claim she has no interest in getting a job in the summer vacation. This really doesn't make sense.

Finally, some of the older generation on here don't seem to realise paid entry level jobs are really not easy to find any more. There's no shortage of hard-up pensioners, pin-money mums and EU migrant workers who are willing to accept minimum wage and zero hour contracts to provide companies with year-round availability. They can't suddenly magic up jobs for students.

If she's planning on doing work experience (which she should be) this won't be paid. How will she support herself through this? Will her dad help her out?

Theas18 · 20/03/2015 15:43

She needs to look for work but actually its not that easy to get holidays only unless you live in. Very seasonal place.

Having said that I don't charge my kids, they pay rent at uni for 12 months. thry can't be paying me too.

Mrsstarlord · 20/03/2015 15:44

I agree with the modelling good guest behaviour but is she a guest when she comes home or is it her home and her house?
If DD doesn't want to come home because she has been asked to make a contribution to the household then it says an awful lot about how she perceives the relationship. And if she knows mum is struggling but still refuses to help? Well, I think that speaks for itself. I spoke to someone this week who is a student and works nights on top of uni in order to help out mum who has been made redundant and send money back to family in Asia. University teaches young adults about life and independence, treating students like they are still kids doesn't help them, their tutors or their future employers. Might make mum feel better as she appeases her empty nest syndrome but definitely doesn't do the student any favours at all.

KatyMac · 20/03/2015 15:47

DD left for college at 16 - the summer after GCSEs she worked part time 3 or 4 days a week for 6 weeks plus a few odd days outside of the holidays

We didn't charge her rent & we ran her to & from work especially during unsocial hours

However she saved that money and has funded all her spending money at college & put the rest towards driving lessons

This summer she is hoping to work in the same job - we will again run her there and back until she can drive then we will sit in the car while she drives Wink

We won't ask for rent & we won't be topping up her spending money at college either

This year we pay her rent & food currently out of our tax credits & next year we won't have them so she will use her loan/grant to pay for rent & food (she wasn't eligible for the grant/loan this year but will next year - it's a scholarship really)

ilovesooty · 20/03/2015 15:48

She isn't showing any interest in work experience or volunteering. How exactly does she think she's going to become attractive to any potential employer after leaving university?

Hmmm2014 · 20/03/2015 15:49

Wow. When I was at uni I went home for holidays and had a part time job. But my parents never asked me for any money/rent/keep. I think YABVU.

ilovesooty · 20/03/2015 15:53

I can't imagine why someone at home from university wouldn't be offering to contribute to the food bill and pulling their weight round the house. If they can't get work they should be volunteering or doing work experience and making contributions in effort and activity if they can't make them financially in my opinion.
No way should they be sitting around "recharging batteries" for three months.

Royalsighness · 20/03/2015 15:54

YABU, she is your daughter. If you wanted her to come and stay you would find a way to feed her somehow.

Mrsstarlord · 20/03/2015 16:00

Royal - that's nonsense. There are many reasons to ask someone to make a contribution to the running of the household, if you didn't want them there there would be a hell of a lot more effective ways to do it.
Just because someone is your daughter it doesn't mean that they should get to sit around doing naff all and expecting everything to be paid for by mummy.
She's an adult, she deserves to be treated like one. It is her home, she needs to contribute to the running of it.
Maybe if she genuinely can't find work she could contribute in another way? Cooking meals for you both, doing the ironing etc
I can't stress this highly enough, she is an adult and assuming she is well and doesn't need looking after, she should be treated like an adult.

thesaurusgirl · 20/03/2015 16:02

How much psychological support is she getting from her dad? Or is the only support financial?

Your daughter is 19 or so and yet she rarely leaves the house and seems reluctant to engage with anyone or anything. She seems to be isolated and may be feeling overwhelmed by the university experience. If she's from a low-income family and the first to go to college, she's carrying a huge burden of expectation in a world that is totally unfamiliar and may be far from congenial. No wonder she needs to "recharge her batteries"

Is there a welfare or counselling service she can access? I think your daughter needs some help.

tobytoes · 20/03/2015 16:05

Honestly? No I wouldn't expect my own daughter to pay for anything whilst she was home for the holidays. That's not to say I wouldn't want her to get a job, certainly wouldn't want her lazing around the house all day.

hopingforamiracle · 20/03/2015 16:09

LOL at the people on this thread saying that her daughter is lazing around the house and not contributing, gaps in CV etc. I bet most of you are SAHM's.

OnlyLovers · 20/03/2015 16:14

miracle, that's a twattish thing to say, not to mention massively presumptuous.

thehumanjam · 20/03/2015 16:17

I should imagine the SAHM's are looking after their children Hmm

Mrsstarlord · 20/03/2015 16:19

Full time worker with 2 degrees and an MSc actually - on annual leave from HE job today and background in professional industry. Have 2 kids at home and two grown up kids with their own families. Hence feeling pretty well able to give an opinion. Sitting around on holiday for three months if you are well is twatting about and unhelpful in applying for jobs and learning life skills in the future.

AnythingNotEverything · 20/03/2015 16:21

Hoping - a young person just starting out is entirely different to an adult taking a career break to raise a family.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 20/03/2015 16:24

She should try and work, however you give the impression that you don't want her there. Poor girl, it's her home.

wreckingball · 20/03/2015 16:26

I don't ask DS2 for money when he's home from Uni but I do expect him to get a job, he's lucky because the local pub take him on when he's home, not sure how easily your DD will get a job for Easter but she should be looking for one for the summer.

SallyMcgally · 20/03/2015 16:32

hoping - you've managed two short sentences that are very stupid and very presumptuous. It doesn't surprise me at all if you're sitting there LOLing at your misconceptions.

missymayhemsmum · 20/03/2015 16:50

I am also a lone parent with grown-up uni kids. I think I have regarded feeding them when they come home as part of the deal. My contribution, iyswim. I don't have to financially support them through uni apart from that, but yes, supporting another adult or two for a few weeks does stretch my finances, and I try not to let them know that. I exploit them mercilessly for free childcare for lil sis though. Can't imagine your dd will come home for the whole summer though, even if she thinks she will now. And definitely not next year. She'll be off travelling/ visiting friends/festivalling once her batteries are recharged (takes a couple of weeks to get bored, imhe)
But yes, I completely sympathise with your fear at what the cost of keeping the fridge full is going to do to your finances.