daughter home from university

[yoyoyoy]

My dd is at uni and will be coming home for holidays . I am a single parent on a very limited income ( less than £15k pa) . She lives on a student loan and grant topped up with £200 a month from her dad , my ex . Aibu to charge her something when she is home ? I have broached the subject with her but she got very stroppy about it but it seems to me that as she will be at home for a third of the year and using my food and utilities it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect a small contribution from her . She is adamant that she won't get a job as she is tired from studying and needs to recharge her batteries but othe uni age kids seem to be able to work a few hours a work , so why won't she . She seems to be able to live on her loans/grant and money from dad as she doesn't go out much at uni and certainly doesn't go out drinking at all and when home hardly ever leaves the house . I am minded to say that if she won't give me some money for her keep she can spend half the holidays with her dad and he can keep her for a while . Any ideas ?

How can she save when her income has significantly dropped due to loss of child benefit and tax credit?

Thank you Albrecht. It's the lack of inclination to do anything , to even try to find a job , paid or otherwise .I am concerned that this will reflect badly when she leaves and tries to find a career type job . As someone whose first job was at age 13 I know that it is valuable for social skills , getting on with people and the discipline of getting to work on time , working hard and taking responsibility as well as earning your own money .

She should chip in for her food.
And get some work for some of the long summer break, no question.

I am ancient but got full grant (and for two glorious summers housing benefit). My mum was widowed, that's what I did. Paid a little rent too when I had it.

'As someone whose first job was at age 13 I know that it is valuable for social skills , getting on with people and the discipline of getting to work on time , working hard and taking responsibility as well as earning your own money.'

Yes, that worked out really well for you ...

Sukie, what a vile thing to say. Shame on you.

gunn , it's quite simple really - when she went to uni my ex stopped paying me £200 monthly for her maintenance and paid it straight to dd so I now receive nothing from him .

Because the OP states that her daughter will be home a third of the year and using her food and utilities...

Everyone expects and knows that their income will fall when a child reaches higher education. You have 19 years to plan accordingly surely be that by saving or increasing earnings. I don't think it's unreasonable for a parent to lovingly welcome a youngster with ambition home for a few months. I'm not talking about a lazy teenager wanting to freeload of a parent for the forthcoming years - that's a different matter - but as a parent I'd sacrifice things in order for my youngster to enjoy being home and having the home comforts she hasn't had whilst away.

I graduated two years ago and went home to work (come from seaside town) like an absolute dog, did two hobs to pay my rent at uni. I couldn't manage if my mum charged me!

HOWEVER if she taking the piss ie sat on her bum all day on the laptop not doing anything then yes she should contribute.
Seems unhealthy for her to stay inside all day, also the people that didn't have jobs work experience on my course have found it very hard to get a job.

Also you can exceed your wifi clause depending on the op's internet/ phone package, most have a reasonable use clause. If you exceed that they will charge you extra.

Sukie - classy !

YANBU, whether you can afford to keep her or not is irrelevant. Its about encouraging independence, not fostering dependence when they get to Uni age.
She should get a job for the Summer hols and pay you a few quid to feed her. She is an adult and needs to learn that life does not provide, you have to do that yourself. The amount of families I know with adult kids still living at home and refusing to work despite massive investment (not just financial)in their education is ridiculous. She will meet new friends and get out and about more when she's working too.
as I said before depending on course workload I'd have no problem with her not working during term time but refusing to work in the summer is inexcusable.

Or, you have 19 years to prepare your DC for the fact that once they're into adulthood then they need to go out and earn the money for pay for their own food and bills.

sukie - agree wholeheartedly with only

If your DD is in reasonable health, OP, then it's absolutely ridiculous for her to think she needs to spend 3 months in the summer recovering from tiredness. Of course she should try and find a job. And it's completely reasonable to expect her to at least contribute towards her own food etc

You have 19 years to plan accordingly surely be that by saving or increasing earnings.

Did you miss the fact that we're still in the middle of a financial crisis where people saw their incomes slashed and loads of people lost their jobs? You really think it's that easy for 'everyone'?

My god. I can't believe someone's actually asking this?!
I would eat less but would not ask for money towards food from my own child.
It sounds to me as if you don't want her home.
I wouldn't even come back to visit if that was the case.
Then again, if I was to visit my mum and saw she struggles I would chip in with whatever I had and would not wait for her to ask.

extra internet use?

She seems to be able to live on her loans/grant and money from dad as she doesn't go out much at uni and certainly doesn't go out drinking at all and when home hardly ever leaves the house

she sounds very sensible to me if a bit boring, doesn't she have friends to go out with? Drinking is large part of uni life.

can she help out physically, it seems a little tiny bit mean to me to charge her.

after uni when she has a job, perhaps but maybe yor ex can give her some money for hols?

your quite lucky, many young people at uni go quite wild, get into debt, drink shed loads.

she sounds very sensible and low key.

OP, is she ok? Everyone I know got jobs in the holidays when at uni (or at least attempted to). If she's so adamant, could there be something else going on?

gunn - dd is doing a degree but doesn't seem to have any ambition at all .
I have always and will always support her in whatever she wants to do but as sheba said at some stage young adults need to start realizing that they must start to stand own their own two feet and not rely on their parents to do everything for them forever more . She is insistent that she is now an adult so I am trying to treat her like one .

The amount of grant/loan students get is only supposed to be enough to support them during term time. Outside of termtime they are either supposed to support themselves with paid employment or be supported by their parents.

I certainly think it's fair for her to spend half the holidays with her dad, and I certainly think she should get a holiday job if she can - she can get plenty of R&R at the same time as taking an 18-hour a week temp job, but it's not necessarily easy to do. I wouldn't charge her anything though - you could damage your relationship for decades to come for the sake of a couple of hundred quid - not worth it.

She isn't relying on her parents to do everything for her forever more though is she. She sounds like a sensible girl who can cope with the budgeting demands of uni. I'm sure she does realise that she must start to stand on her own feet, but there's plenty of time for that and just for the summer maybe she just wants to chill out and spend time with you.

There's not a lot of warmth or love for your daughter coming through in your posts. You will be pleased to see her, won't you?

Yabu this is your child. You don't sound you want her around anyway.

There's not plenty of time to relax and chill out when you've been born into a low-income family. Thems the breaks. Money doesn't grow on trees.

I don't think it's unreasonable for a parent to lovingly welcome a youngster with ambition home for a few months.

I agree and I would talk honeslty with my DC if I was really stuck and needed help.
Op if your DD depressed?

She doesn't go out much at a time when her social life should be rocketing, doesn't drink, doesn't want to work....

Is she OK?

do you want her home?

depends on your local area
if you live in a city or a large town, id want them to at least consider looking for a job - if they try to find one and cant, need to not work due to educational commitments (eg. dissertation research, internships, work experience, etc.) that is different to them not trying at all.

However, in an area like my own the 'summer jobs' going are 25+mins away as i live in the peaks in an area where there isnt much here... i would end up hardly better off for working, it at all! im lucky that my parents dont make me. Their standpoint is that if im working, i pay rent. If im not working (whilst in HE) then i dont, but im expected to do other things. For example, this easter i have rebuilt two drystone walls and painted the downstairs bathroom, along with cooking dinner for the family every night, taking responsibility for the family pets and making sure the house is clean, and doing any lifts/dashing around that my parents need. It works on a give/take basis here. By all means ask for extra money for food if you need it, but be aware that what she spends at uni may be different to what you spend - if you eat meat every night, etc. and she normally eats beans on toast (bad example, but you get the idea) then the concept of 'youd be paying for food anyway' may not match up to hers, if she spends around £5-£10 max. a week on food at uni and you want a contribution of £20 (for example)!

The way my mother and i get around this issue is that when i go to university she likes to shop in a more expensive supermarket - when i am home we go to Aldi/Lidl together (she likes it but the checkouts scare her, bless her). The food bills come out the same, or actually drop!

YANBU to want some kind of compromise, and wanting her to contribute in some way, even if this is taking pressure off RE: housework, being responsible for certain things in the household, etc. but if you dont know her full financial situation, i would say its BU to assume that she is simply being lazy in not getting a job and has the money to throw around - i rarely go out but i still wouldnt have the money to pay my parents thanks to expenses such as necessary computer programmes, books, fixing broken electronics, food, etc.!

can she do some un paid work experience in her chosen field, this would be far better for cv than waitress job or something, and something she can do whilst at home?

also, can you rent her room out?