daughter home from university

[yoyoyoy]

My dd is at uni and will be coming home for holidays . I am a single parent on a very limited income ( less than £15k pa) . She lives on a student loan and grant topped up with £200 a month from her dad , my ex . Aibu to charge her something when she is home ? I have broached the subject with her but she got very stroppy about it but it seems to me that as she will be at home for a third of the year and using my food and utilities it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect a small contribution from her . She is adamant that she won't get a job as she is tired from studying and needs to recharge her batteries but othe uni age kids seem to be able to work a few hours a work , so why won't she . She seems to be able to live on her loans/grant and money from dad as she doesn't go out much at uni and certainly doesn't go out drinking at all and when home hardly ever leaves the house . I am minded to say that if she won't give me some money for her keep she can spend half the holidays with her dad and he can keep her for a while . Any ideas ?

Absolutely no reason why she shouldn't get a job. You mentioned that she has no interest in looking for one. Jobs/internships are important as previous posters have mentioned for after university, so you have some experience when applying for jobs.
I wonder whether her lack of drive on the job front is because she enough money herself. As you stated you household income I would presume she gets max loan + grant (£7249)+ possibly an extra bursary (maybe £1000+) from her university as coming from a low income family + £2400 from her father. She has lots of money so from her point of view why should she work.
My DCs definitely work in the holidays.
I think we must remember that those who are on very low incomes can not just subsidise another adult returning home. Plus maintenance loans/grants in all years except the final year cover the summer vacation.

No, hoping
I work full time and am also self employed. My day job is in careers advice and I have a Level 6 diploma. I think when it comes to enhancing employability I know what I'm talking about.

OP, I understand where you are coming from and I think you are right.

You need to get the message across very carefully though. Many posters (inc myself) got the wrong understanding when we read your first post and we are not tired, late teenagers/ young adults, more likely to take umbrage!

If you phrase it more like the post where you said how proud of her you are, you're on much firmer ground IMHO.

I'm quite surprised at the number of people who would be happy to have an adult child at home for the summer with no plans to seek paid employment or volunteer. My parents would have hit the roof and I would guess they are entirely typical - I don't know because I don't know anyone who didn't work.

OP, has she ever had a job? Could you help her arrange just a couple of days volunteering somewhere as a start? If she's never had a job perhaps she feels very daunted by the whole process.

so having lived as an independent adult she now wants to revert to 'child' mode and expects you to subsidise her living costs...and to add insult to injury she feels she has the right to refuse paid employment too? i'd tell her in very clear terms that she can go and live with her father for the duration of the holidays if that's how she feels.

part of being an adult is taking responsibility for yourself even if you don't particularly feel like it, so yes- she pays something towards the increased cost of utilities and food whilst she stays with you.....or pays towards the utilities but buys her own food. she also does her share of the household chores whilst she stays there. If she feels that her 'savings' are being diminished then she does what you do - which is to go out to work in order to pay for the things you want.

i bet she will have money for things like going out with friends, clothes shopping etc....i doubt very much she will live like a hermit for the duration of the holidays so don't allow her to treat you like a doormat.

I was never charged rent by my parents during uni holidays. I don't want to charge my daughter either when she is only here for a few weeks at a time. Our household income is not huge, though it is not as low as the OP's. We have struggled over the years.

My daughter also lives on a student loan. She has a part time security job some evenings a week at the Student Union (so term time only). As she is not living on campus this year, she has to pay rent during the holiday and would be totally stuffed if I took from her too, so I don't.

Last summer holiday she did get a job locally for two out of the three months, and was lucky to get it. Who knows yet whether or not she will be able to get it back or find anything else for this coming summer!?

I did not charge her anything then as she needed the money to pay her way at uni. She did contribute ad hock bits and bobs, but nothing major. I am totally confident she has absorbed the lesson that nothing in live is free.

OP's daughter needs to show willing look for work for at least part of the summer. Lets not pretend though that you can always walk straight out of the door and into a job whenever you want. It really isn't that simple at all.

Blimey, I'd be horrified if my mum asked me to pay my keep when back from uni!

"I'm quite surprised at the number of people who would be happy to have an adult child at home for the summer with no plans to seek paid employment or volunteer."

I can only assume that the people who are happy for this earn shitloads of money. That said, if nothing else, the young person is not going to be very employable. University terms aren't very long, I'm sure she can do something.

Regardless of whether you collect any money off her she should get a bloody job for the holidays!

Our business has staff that have left to go to uni and they make contact in the run up to holidays to arrange any shifts that they can do while they are home. It is normal for uni students to work.

How will DD have any kind of social life if she doesn't earn any spending money? Not to mention how dull her C.V. will look with zero work experience. Future employers are going to want to see you could get out of bed and get to work regardless of what job she wants to do.

We don't earn shitloads of money. Far from it. I'm not even a taxpayer with what I earn, but it helps to feed us all and I enjoy it.

Once my children are in regular employment they will pay me rent if they are still living at home. Until then, it is unlikely. I will take each one on a case by case basis.

If she can't find a job in the holidays would you find it more acceptable if she did jobs for you around the house? She could cook, shop etc. so you don't have to - at least you would have a break from mundane tasks and she would get out of the house every now and again.

I was expected to work when home from Uni but not expected to contribute to the household. I worked all the way through Uni and enjoyed working - added to my social life!

Topsey Regardless of whether you'd take money from your adult child, would you really be happy if they sat on their arse doing nothing during the university holidays - not even a few volunteering hours per week?

I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask her to get a job and you are also right in that it will give her good experience etc.
However, as someone who was asked to contribute during my summer holiday I think it is unfair to ask for money. I always had to pay rent on Uni accommodation in my second and third years so paying money to my parents crippled me financially even though I had a holiday job.
On the other hand if she is not having to pay any rent over the summer break then I don't think you are unreasonable to ask for a contribution.

I left uni 1.5 years ago and worked throughout. I gave my parents just over £100 per month as I lived at home for the first three years and helped out around the house. If she's working part-time she'll have plenty time off to "recharge her batteries". In my final year I lived in my own flat (with DP) and managed fine. I really don't think it will look good to employers if her reason for not working until after uni was needing time to rest, I don't know anyone who didn't work whilst studying.

Reading back, I see she is doing the same degree as I did. She is really going to struggle getting a job related to her degree, I did with a lot of experience (in both related and unrelated jobs). Not meant as a boast, but she needs to work, ideally something related to languages. Could she maybe tutor for a few hours a week?

I think you should consider the length of time that she'll be staying with you. If its months then yes, she should definitely get a temp job and contribute something. If its just a few weeks, I'd cut her some slack and make her feel welcome. Soon she will fly the nest so try and enjoy having her around you for a while. If you're really strapped for cash, you could be honest with her, and ask her to sort her down food out.

YANBU.

I paid rent from 16 until I moved out at 19, even when I go and visit my mum for a weekend now I try to help out by doing a shop for her because I know that money is tight and I don't expect something for nothing, especially knowing how many hours of work someone has to do to be able to afford the weekly shop.

Asking for a small contribution towards household costs is reasonable and doesn't make me think that you're unwelcoming towards your daughter at all.

She might not even be able to get a job for the holidays, find paid employment is hard enough let alone at a time when there's thousands more wanting the same hours and length of time.

I'd ask for a contribution but if I could manage without I would. They don't stop being your children when they go to uni. She sounds sensible in all over avenues, doesn't go out much, doesn't drink or anything, I'd wonder why she isn't doing those things and if I could enable her to have a bit of fun while she can.

other*

I think thesaurusgirl has hit the nail on the head.

It sounds like she is very stressed/burning out. She is just in first year, she should be getting involved in clubs, socialising, going out, etc. has she had a Uni boyfriend? Has she made friends? She sounds lonely. Who is she going to live with next year.

I'd expect a languages student to be going abroad for the 3 month break. Why is she doing a languages degree if she isn't interested in travelling/other cultures?

It all just doesn't quite add up. I think she should make some attempt to 'do something' over the holidays but I'd advise a softly softly approach as she sounds like she needs listened too atm not 'tough love'.

In your circumstances I would expect her to get a summer job as long as she doesn't have something like compulsory fieldwork over the hols (which are essential but a pain in that it makes it hard to get a job AND you have to pay for the travel, accom, gear on top of your student acc. rent etc.)

My parents didn't ask for anything but they were quite well off and covered my accom rent through the year. I had to pay rent throughout the holidays and mainly stayed there and got a job in that city as there was much more available. My summer job was to cover my food etc expenses through the summer as I was in my rented accom and to add a bit to the amount I had to live on during the year.

However intense her course is (and mine was 9-6 nearly ever day) there's no excuse for not getting a summer job for at least part of the hols.

Perhaps she has fallen in with an entitled crowd who don't expect to work and whose parents pick up the bills?

I don't think most students get charged for living at home in the holidays but it is difficult if you are on a very tight budget. But I think I would try my very best not to charge your DD anything as long as she's not demanding expensive food and so on. She eats what there is and helps out with shopping and housework.

DD is the first in the family to go to uni and I am immensely proud of her and yes I often tell her that . She is doing really well academically and is likely to get a first but I am worried that she is living in a strange bubble of unreality

Your posts led me to believe you had not had experience of uni, and its irritating you, that she is seemingly not doing anything

But she is, and if she is on track to get a first, that's all she should be concentrating on, its that first that will help her get future jobs. Not a teeny bit of language work. Not all students work! At Oxbridge its discouraged.

You may think she is in a bubble of un reality, but she is just doing what thousands of other students are doing.

If I were you, I would be more worried about her social life, how she is getting on, its supposed to be the best time of her life.

Being a student is usually when DC break free for first time of parents control, be totally silly and wild. At the very least, joining some clubs, and making new friends.

I wonder if she is lonely and depressed and is also getting negative pressure from you.

I think you should try and make her happy at the moment, work out what going on with her and stop pressuring her.

She has several more years to sort out language work in other holidays, its not a burning immediate requirement for this one.

IF she is miserable/depressed, then she may stop working on her degree which would be the ultimate worse thing here, far more than a summer job. Support her to do well in her degree, and find out why she doesn't seem happy.

Its a reality she could end up with a flunked degree, depressed, in your house at the end of it all, with pitiful earning power and I know YOU dont want that

I worked every holiday during uni, the long ones at the uni city, the short ones at home.

My parents, who were not even comfortably-off, refused to accept a penny. Their view was that I would support my children similarly when the time came.

But I don't think lazing around in a dressing gown until 3 in the afternoon all summer is acceptable either. Not saying your DD will do that but it isn't unheard of!