daughter home from university

[yoyoyoy]

My dd is at uni and will be coming home for holidays . I am a single parent on a very limited income ( less than £15k pa) . She lives on a student loan and grant topped up with £200 a month from her dad , my ex . Aibu to charge her something when she is home ? I have broached the subject with her but she got very stroppy about it but it seems to me that as she will be at home for a third of the year and using my food and utilities it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect a small contribution from her . She is adamant that she won't get a job as she is tired from studying and needs to recharge her batteries but othe uni age kids seem to be able to work a few hours a work , so why won't she . She seems to be able to live on her loans/grant and money from dad as she doesn't go out much at uni and certainly doesn't go out drinking at all and when home hardly ever leaves the house . I am minded to say that if she won't give me some money for her keep she can spend half the holidays with her dad and he can keep her for a while . Any ideas ?

I do agree that she should get a job, there is no way my parents would have given any money to me when at university if I wasn't helping myself too but if my parents wanted extra money from me in the holidays I wouldn't have bothered going home for more than a couple of days as it would have been cheaper to stay at uni.

Tell her to get off her lazy arse and get a job. Also just because she's telling you she doesn't go out/spend her money on frivolous things doesn't mean that's true! I sure as hell didn't let my parents know of all my exploits in uni.

DD sounds very sensible OP but you don't sound very proud of her. You say she lacks ambition and you insinuate she is idle. I hope she doesn't realise that you are so unenthusiastic about her.

In most places students will have finished her exams by the beginning of June, and degree programmes will start up again in mid-late September. That's well over three months for the summer vacation alone. Most students will also have a month at Easter. The Christmas vacation does tend to be shorter, and is more tiring in itself. They do get tired during term time, and there may be some coursework to do outside of term, but I would be pretty unimpressed with my (adult) child if they adamantly stated that all they were going to do in the summer months was rest and made it clear that I was to finance that for them. If I were a potential employer and saw that a student had done absolutely nothing but rest and hadn't had a job during term time either, I wouldn't be very impressed. What's she doing to get so tired If she's off doing volunteering etc or something worthwhile then that would be very different.

She's a student, so no I would definitely not consider this as an option. I would expect them to buy food though.

Wow. My mum was a single parent and got no help from my dad. I worked during my uni holidays but don't remember my mum asking for a penny from me, either for food or rent/utilities... I totally see your point, but she will probably be paying at least a retainer to keep her accommodation, so paying rent seems a bit harsh. I do think she should get a job - even a few evenings behind a bar or stacking shelves doesn't hurt, and hey, that's life!

Ordinarily I would say that you are being unreasonable but I'm getting the impression that your daughter is lazy and you are being cruel to be kind. Therefore under the circumstances YANBU, your dd will struggle to secure a job on graduating if she has no work ethic.

Op what degree does she do, some are far harder and more hours than others.

Is she doing well at uni? Is it a useful degree and have you done one, do you know is entailed at uni?

I dont think she is lazy, she sounds depressed to me.

'Shes doing a degree but doesn't seem to have any ambition at all'

What? Are you serious......,

Of course she is ambitious.

And no she doesn't have to work in her three months off. Cut her some slack.

Are you annoyed because she's at university, getting £200 maintenance from her father that you used to get and lastly because she will get three months off and you won't.

And I mean that nicely.

DD sounds very sensible OP but you don't sound very proud of her. You say she lacks ambition and you insinuate she is idle.

She isn't very sensible at all if she's leaving gaps on her CV that won't be gaps on the CVs of the other students she'll be competing with for jobs. And the girl does sound idle, if she's planning to recharge batteries for over 3 months, unless she has health problems.

If only she had a chosen field that would be a great idea but although she is doing languages she has no idea yet what she wants to do after uni . I have suggested summer jobs that might use her languages but no go . I have suggested volunteering but not interested . She appears confident but I think she is chronically lacking in confidence . I do understand what thats like as I was very shy and lacking in confidence as a child and your first job is always daunting but once you plunge in you learn to get on with it . I have talked about it with her and how she might gain confidence and have tried to reassure her but she just says she's too tired / busy studying to work .

I think its quite usual to do a degree and not now exactly what you are planning to do with it - don't worry about that just yet.

If confidence is the issue, it's more understandable but also more worrying because she will have to conquer it or you'll end up with her unemployed and depressed living in your spare room. In your position I would (nicely) insist that she must either find a job or do voluntary work.

She won't be tired or busy studying during the summer holidays and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect her to try to find work during this time.

Having said that my dd found it difficult to find a job last summer despite lots of effort. Eventually she got a minimum wage job for a few hours a week for the last few weeks of the holidays.

She kept all of that money to part fund a placement that she started in the September and lived with us cost free. Food bills went up a bit but that's about all. I was really pleased to have her home and didn't even think of asking for any money from her.

I don't know if you meant it like that op but your opening post doesn't sound very welcoming.

She just needs a little push to get out there and work. I wouldn't tell her she needs to get a job because you want the money from her but I would tell her that she needs to get a job because not working for the Summer is not a runner. Get her dad behind you on this too. Its not healthy for young adults to sit around at home all day.

She needs to stop making excuses and get a job or at the very least do some volunteering to get some experience.

If she's doing languages then she needs to use them during the summer otherwise she'll lose it by the time back and it'll be really difficult for her.

I worked in France and Spain during my uni holidays, just basic things like working on a campsite (France) and on a farm (Spain) and so did many of my classmates - the ones who didn't were really obvious in September...

Plus, as others have said, employers cared far more on my employment history than my degree - once you've passed the hurdle of achieving a 2:1 you've got to have as much as possible to differentiate yourself from the crowd. Someone doing a relatively light subject such as languages ought to have time to have at least 1 part time job unless your DD is seriously struggling with her degree.

She needs to get a summer job and get off her lazy backside. It will give her some extra spending money and stop her getting bored.

Lounging around at home all day through the summer months isn't going to solve her career dilemma and will count against her in the job market after she's graduated.

Sorry , I do realize my opening post sounded a bit unwelcoming , I was just sort of blurting out the basics . DD is the first in the family to go to uni and I am immensely proud of her and yes I often tell her that . She is doing really well academically and is likely to get a first but I am worried that she is living in a strange bubble of unreality . I do so want her to make the most of the opportunities that university gives and to make the most of her time there and to really enjoy herself . I have encouraged her to stretch herself and do her best but she seems to not want to go out into the world and try new things (although obviously she is by being at uni) So I am trying to tread a fine line between giving her a warm and welcoming home and giving her a dose of the reality of day to day living and the need to make a bit of an effort to do things . The whole contribution in the holiday thing was more about her giving a bit of effort than the money

Surely everyone works during Uni summer holidays? Even my most well off friends got a job.

University is a strange bubble of unreality - that is the best thing about it. Neverthelesss, in the summer holidays, you work in some capacity, or travel, or do a research project or something. As well as sitting in the sun, going out w friends etc

What Shebarabbit said. It sounds like she is lacking in confidence and needs some support to take the plunge and try getting a job. She clearly isn't partying away her grant like I did

Maybe try telling her that if she's going to go on a year abroad in just over a year then getting some kind of experience (either here or ideally abroad) will make that transition much easier. It's great that she's doing so well, but dodo is absolutely right that she needs to be maintaining her spoken languages over the summer. She will have a fair bit of reading etc to do for her courses in second year, but not so much that she wouldn't be able to manage anything else. It really would be good for her, not just for this summer, but also in terms of confidence for the year abroad, to do something like work experience/ volunteering especially if it were abroad. I lecture in languages at university and from that point of view would be concerned about her anxiety for the year abroad if it's lack of confidence that's stopping her from planning anything.

Also - if she's looking for work placements for her year abroad she will find that easier if she has some work experience.

She might be academically gifted but she seems to have no idea about asking herself employable.
And yes, she should be contributing to the household when she comes home.