To tell friends to go out of sight when they smoke a cigarette?

[AzureDress]

An old friend is coming to stay for few days. She is a heavy smoker and often chain-smokes. My DP previously smoked and in past I'd have occasional cigarette, and in our old house we used to let friends smoke in kitchen.

However I'm now pregnant and can't stand the smell, it makes me gag and sometimes vomit. DP quit smoking 2 months ago when we moved into new flat and (for his health and our baby) I don't want him tempted to start again. I don't want our friend lighting up in front of either of us for different reasons, even outside.

DP had a couple of cigarettes on our balcony (accessed via our bedroom) when we first moved in but the smell seemed to leech in through doors (or maybe on his clothes when he came in) as our bedroom reeked of smoke afterwards. I don't want our friend smoking on balcony, I think we should tell her to smoke outside only although DP pointed out there are 2 flights of stairs and nowhere to sit outdoors.

She doesn't know I'm pregnant yet (we want to tell her in person) but I'm worried it will be really awkward asking her to smoke out of sight. She likes to sit down with a cup of tea when smoking. DP is more sympathetic as he knows what it's like to be addicted to smoking.

In past when we went out (eg on daytrips) she and DP would frequently light-up, eg. when walking or in pub garden or before going in car/buildings. He's done so well to quit I don't want this ruined (or him feeling tortured) by watching her smoke.
AIBU to ask her not to smoke in front of us but to discreetly walk out of sight before lighting up?
This is also likely to be a problem with our other friends who are smokers.

She has to be out of your eye sight before she can smoke?

Personally YABU. She is free to do as she pleases while outside.

yabu to ask her to not smoke in your sight
yes you can tell her that she can not smoke in your home but out of your sight .................. really

I don't think there's any issue with asking her to smoke outside when you're at home, given you're pregnant. And if you're out to wander off a little so you're not inhaling. Tho I think it's a bit weird to insist she's out of sight at all times so your DP doesn't get upset. He will after all have to see other people smoking.

This maybe useful www.warrington.gov.uk/info/200468/smoking/197/take_7_steps_out

If your DH is worried about her smoking causing him to smoke, he can ask her not to, and I'm sure she'll understand.

But it's not your call to make.

When I smoked there was still no smoking in the house and there still isn't. Asking her to go out of sight won't work because you'll and your bloke will be able to smell it on her. Are you going to send her for a shower after each one?

When I visited none smoker friends I'd take a spray mist to substitute.

I think you're going to have to talk to your friend before she comes so she is prepared or you know deep down that you'll be letting her hang her head out of the windows every twenty minutes.

The out of sight one might come across as a little bit weird, but surely if you just told her honestly that your DP has so recently quit that he is still struggling a bit and you would appreciate it if she could make an effort to go outside, wash her hands etc when she comes back in?

The balcony though - I smoke and it wouldn't occur to me that I could just automatically smoke on someone's balcony. The smell travels so much. If I was in a flat and wanted a cigarette I'd be putting my coat and shoes on to go all the way outside, and wait for them to offer the balcony if they were ok with it.

She might be a heavy smoker and like to sit down with a cup of tea but it's your house, and your rules.

However if you're out and about during the day then asking her to completely disappear might be rather odd.

She shouldn't smoke around you while you're pregnant anyway and I'm sure she won't want to once she finds out.
But you're right it will be awkward to ask her to smoke out of sight, your DP will just have to do deal with it. Only time I can think it would be ok is if you had kids already and didn't want them seeing her smoke.

Just ask them to go outside the building to smoke job done no drama say we don't smoke anymore can you go outside don't even offer your balcony

Your partner is a grown up he doesn't need to be sheltered if she lights up when you are out if you say the smell knocks you sick I'm sure she will nip away from you for a cigarette .

How far down the road do you actually want her to go? Is it a straight road and you can see her for 1/2 mile? Or does it have a bend in it so she is out of sight within 10ft?

If you're on the second floor, surely she would be out of sight if she stood at the front door, unless your DP was craning for a look out of the window?

YANBU at all to not allow smoking in your house, or to ask people to not smoke near you as you're pregnant. But your DP will unfortunately have to see people smoke (and I know it's hard, I quit a couple of years ago and it still looks so good!). I think the out-of-sight request might be a bit much, although your DP could excuse himself for a few minutes of he was finding it difficult.

Plus I'm assuming you like this person so making her feel like a leper probably won't go down well.

If her habit is that intense then you need to talk about it beforehand so she has the choice whether to come or not.

Buy her a vapour cig!

smokers do reek and so should be used to being treated as such.

she can go outside to stink-up: you can turn your back but you can't switch off your nose, so she needs to think about wind direction. She also needs to take something to hold the ash and dog ends rather than just dropping them as all too many do.

you can tell her in advance that it is now no-smoking in your house, as that appears to have changed. You don't have to be pregnant to decide that. Then if she is soluble in rain she can decide not to visit.

Choose your friends carefully. None of mine smoke.

I assumed it was because you had children and didn't want their interest being piqued by seeing someone smoking.

But you don't have children so I don't really get the 'out of sight' thing. Surely out of the building and out of whiff range from you is adequate? Anything more is diva behaviour on your part.

Speaking as an exsmoker, I agree your partner will have to deal with seeing others smoke. Actually, it's a lot easier nowadays thanks to the smoking ban. It's only really on the street and pub beer gardens where you see people smoking.
I gave up 10 years ago, and I really still like the smell of smoke. It is still tempting occassionally (yes, even after 10 years) but that's life. I have my own reasons and motivations for not smoking, and it's my responsibility to stick to it.
You have to trust your partner not to give into temptation. He has very good reasons not to .

Ex smoker here.

Yabu about in your line of sight.
Yanbu about asking her to go outside and down to street level.
I don't now - and didn't back then - expect anyone to make compromises for my dirty habit. Whenever I visited anyone who had conditions I respected them.
My mum used to say not on her property so I used to go outside the back gate.

If the smell is what bothers you though then you have a whole different issue as she will smell heavily of smoke - whether you see her smoking or not.

Also your H either has the will power to stay stopped or he doesn't.

Although if she has a bad BO problem that every one is too wussy to speak about when it comes up and it's being covered by fag smoke you might be glad she does.

tell her in advance.. job done.

I predict the rest of the thread is going to be highly amusing frothing which is always fun.

Yanbu to ask her not to smoke in your home, but your request that she not smoke in front of you or your partner in case he gets upset (or whatever) is tipping over into bonkers territory I'm afraid.

YANBU to say she can't smoke on your balcony/directly next to you when outside.

YABVVU to say she can't smoke in your sight. Very odd.

DH is a grown man!!

The 'out of sight' part was for when we are out and about together, not when she goes out of our building to smoke.
By out of sight I mean preferably far enough away that the smell doesn't carry. Eg she always lights up when we sit down outside, like a park bench or picnic table- I dont want to passive-smoke or feel sick so I'd rather she walked away (eg to a different bench or nearby trees) or waited until we got to a cafe so DP and I could go in. Or if we're walking maybe she could hang back, have a cigarette and catch us up rather than smoke next to us?

DP has known her much longer than me and is closer to her, he's also a
bit scared of her as she can be bossy and hot-tempered. I like her, she's fun and we usually get on well, but in past she sometimes played us off against each other to get her own way. I'm also not sure how she will react to news of pregnancy as she and her DH have fertility problems.

Hopefully she will understand and be discreet about smoking but I'm worried if she takes it wrong way she might set out to make things difficult.

TBH you don't sound as though you consider her a good friend, irrespective of the smoking.

Azure If you explain it to her like that (pregnant, smell making me ill, would you mind not smoking right next to me) that's NBU, and if she refuses then she's rude.

But please do not mention anything about 'out of my sight' or 'tempting DH into starting again' as you'll sound bonkers!