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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friends to go out of sight when they smoke a cigarette?

178 replies

AzureDress · 20/03/2015 12:34

An old friend is coming to stay for few days. She is a heavy smoker and often chain-smokes. My DP previously smoked and in past I'd have occasional cigarette, and in our old house we used to let friends smoke in kitchen.

However I'm now pregnant and can't stand the smell, it makes me gag and sometimes vomit. DP quit smoking 2 months ago when we moved into new flat and (for his health and our baby) I don't want him tempted to start again. I don't want our friend lighting up in front of either of us for different reasons, even outside.

DP had a couple of cigarettes on our balcony (accessed via our bedroom) when we first moved in but the smell seemed to leech in through doors (or maybe on his clothes when he came in) as our bedroom reeked of smoke afterwards. I don't want our friend smoking on balcony, I think we should tell her to smoke outside only although DP pointed out there are 2 flights of stairs and nowhere to sit outdoors.

She doesn't know I'm pregnant yet (we want to tell her in person) but I'm worried it will be really awkward asking her to smoke out of sight. She likes to sit down with a cup of tea when smoking. DP is more sympathetic as he knows what it's like to be addicted to smoking.

In past when we went out (eg on daytrips) she and DP would frequently light-up, eg. when walking or in pub garden or before going in car/buildings. He's done so well to quit I don't want this ruined (or him feeling tortured) by watching her smoke.
AIBU to ask her not to smoke in front of us but to discreetly walk out of sight before lighting up?
This is also likely to be a problem with our other friends who are smokers.

OP posts:
Penquin · 20/03/2015 19:15

Please don't tell her face to face. I got told once on a night out and had to leave to go home and cry. Can't imagine if I'd been stuck all weekend having to put a brave face on then going and crying in the toilet. I'll imagine she'll probably want a fag when she hears the news anyway.

Nowfeeltheneedtopost · 20/03/2015 19:17

Please delay the visit. This really isn't fair on her, you know how upset she is likely to be when you announce your pregnancy.

JoanHicksonMIfive · 20/03/2015 19:22

This visit needs to end. This lady may be expecting to smoke and have seX with one or both of you.Confused instead she will not be smoking, no sex involving you I guess and will get a shock that may make her jealous. If you both can't put her emotions into perspective, just think hand that rocked the cradle.

Cornettoninja · 20/03/2015 19:53

I think your dp is really wrong on this one.

Of course your entitled to set whatever smoking rules you want in your own house, but....

I think she needs/deserves to be prewarned of both the pregnancy and smoking. They're kind of intwined imho.

From the point of view as a failed giver-upper and current smoker and having fertility issues I reckon it's a horrible position to put her in. Smoking is the first thing you want to do when stressed and fertility issues are pretty fucking stressful.

Perhaps it would be irrational but been asked so soon to moderate my behaviour for three days unexpectedly because of some news that I would desperately want to hide my own pain about and put on a happy face would be really hard. Sorry but every time I made my way outside (given its a brand new rule in the friendship) I would feel stung. Theres nothing wrong with what your asking, but emotions from fertility problems aren't rational are they?

We're in the days of e-cigarettes - pre warning her could give her chance to sort one out or make the choice to stock up on patches of she chooses.

If your dp is deadset on dropping both of these things on her face to face then I'm sorry but I think you need to delay her visit and wait to see her when you go up and tell your family so she has the option to go home and cry and smoke, then meet you the next day with a smile on her face.

I think three days with no warning about the smoking (and only because it's not something she'll be expecting) or the pregnancy is a huge ask.

If you think your friendship is strained now this will not help.

Plus I reckon your dp will end up accompanying her outside anyway if he is conscious she's upset.

squoosh · 20/03/2015 19:59

So you've all had sex with one another at some stage, things are a bit frosty between you and her, she's having fertility problems, you're pregnant and she will be told to walk out of sight every time she wants a cigarette?

Can't see anything going wrong in that situation.

RocketInMyPocket · 20/03/2015 20:27

3 words.
Recipe. For. Disaster.

FuckItBucket · 20/03/2015 20:32

So you've all shagged, only one smokes now, one is pregnant and 2 want the smoker to be out of sight?

I want to be there for this convo!

Buxtonstill · 20/03/2015 20:34

This won't be the time to tell her, but I have friends who have suffered fertility problems who were also heavy smokers. 3 of them, within 6 months of giving up had conceived after many years of trying. It can seriously affect fertility.

WorraLiberty · 20/03/2015 20:36

So your DP was fucking her while he was with someone else and you were fucking her while you were actually with your DP?

Christ this thread has moved on

I think him having a few puffs on a ciggy is the least of your worries

Just email her and tell her you're pregnant and while you're at it, tell him to ring his parents and tell them the same.

Bogeyface · 20/03/2015 21:23

Wow.

This is going to be an absolute car crash.

You need to stop the visit. Just say no. And then work out how the fuck your relationship is going to survive when so much of your emotional energy is put into a woman who is an ex of both of you and seems to have such a hold on you both.

The only way I can see you standing a chance is by seriously distancing yourself from her.

Original poster
AzureDress · 20/03/2015 21:31

I've had another discussion with him, he's still refusing to tell her before she comes. He said we can't stop her coming because she's bought tickets, he also thinks she'd be devastated and let-down as she doesn't have many friends. He still thinks she'll be happy about the pregnancy though I think this is unrealistic. His argument is that we had problems conceiving too so she'll see it as inspiration that it could still happen for her.

I don't think she's expecting sex, she's married now and it's years since anything happened between her and me. On other hand I wouldn't put it past her to suggest it to DP if she felt left-out. I trust DP to decline but I'm uncomfortable at the thought of them spending a lot of time alone together eg if I go to bed early (often sleep at 9pm since pregnant) and leave them drinking together. I like to think she has the morals not to try and seduce him but I know her really well and I know there's a side to her character that is ruthless. She also has a high sex-drive.

Re her fertility problems being linked to smoking, she had hypnotherapy and meds to quit a few years ago and managed to stop for 6months, but when they didn't conceive in this time she gave up and started smoking heavily again. She says she wants kids but not enough to have investigations/treatments. She has a gynae problem that makes it difficult but not impossible to conceive. I'm not sure whether some of her attitude is bravado or if she's really not that bothered about having a baby. DP thinks it's the latter.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 20/03/2015 21:35

You are inviting a "ruthless" woman with a high sex drive into your home to spend time with your DP who it appears you dont trust 100% on his on with her?

You have far far bigger problems than where she smokes.

I think you need to put a stop to this now if you are not planning on being single by the end of the month.

WorraLiberty · 20/03/2015 21:57

I've had another discussion with him, he's still refusing to tell her before she comes

You do it then

miniavenger · 20/03/2015 22:13

Your DP is being very unfair. To need to swear her to secrecy face to face is ludicrous, he should be able to ask her over the phone and tell her in advance.

Not only will she get hit with the news you have conceived when she can't but then when she needs a stress relief cigarette she'll be shoved out the door! I do not think YABU for making her go outside at all, she shouldn't be smoking in your house or around you but to hit her with a double whammy just seems pretty unfair. He should tell her in advance, you never know she may cancel if it really upsets her-tickets or no tickets.

It doesn't sound like this is going to be a fun meet up for you or her, only your DP.

Cornettoninja · 20/03/2015 22:31

Well you need to tell her that your pregnant and you both no longer smoke in the flat/balcony.

Your dp is either cruel, naive or an idiot. She won't be inspired by your pregnancy, that's not how it works or what it's about.

Let the woman know what she's walking into and give her time to prepare or the option to decline - pregnancy and smoking.

Woman up and tell him you're doing it if he isn't. It's unkind.

Btw exactly what's to stop her gossiping about the pregnancy once she's back home unless you're all travelling together? That argument means fuck all.

MagicMojito · 20/03/2015 22:56

How can you be friends with someone you believe might try to seduce your husband while you sleep???

Shock and Confused with each update. This is just a car crash waiting to happen, I don't see a happy ending for anyone in this senario. CANCEL. CANCEL. CANCEL.

JoanHicksonMIfive · 20/03/2015 23:02

The posts get worse. Op you can't continue this friendship now. You don't trust her not to have sex with your DP. Are you sure you want to be with dp? With his weak will when it comes to sex and smoking with this Lady?

WorraLiberty · 20/03/2015 23:07

Also, because he was ok with you having sex with her whilst you are in a relationship with him, are you sure he won't think it's ok for him to have sex with her too?

He seems awfully keen on getting her to come round so he can tell her face to face about the baby.

SycamoreMum · 20/03/2015 23:13

Yeah heres my 2p. This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and also this lady sounds quite intriguing, quite the seductress. eyebrow wiggle

JockTamsonsBairns · 20/03/2015 23:20

Blimey, I thought this was just going to be a plain old bog standard fag smoke type thread - but the plot has thickened with every update, and we're only 4 pages in! Should I be watching this for any more dramatic revelations?

Joyfulldeathsquad · 20/03/2015 23:27

Yeah she sounds like one of my 'friends' - wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

I think your dp is quiet looking forward to her coming.its abit of a strange set up. She is leaving her DH to come and visit two people she has previously shagged. He is dead against her knowing about the pregnancy incase she doesn't come. I think he is after shagging her. Sorry op this is just weird.

I think you all need to grow up. It's very jezza Kyle

morethanpotatoprints · 20/03/2015 23:30

Right, maybe I shouldn't say this but.....
Are you 100% sure that your dh is not telling her over the phone for some other bizarre reason, like the need to console her when she's upset.
i'm sorry love you were asleep, and friend was so upset, sex was the only way to console her.
It has to be said and he isn't the faithful type already.
I think this is worrying you and her smoking is your least worry.

Jux · 20/03/2015 23:32

Buy her a vaping kit and some liquid. She's going to have a really rotten time if you force nicotine abstinence on her.

morethanpotatoprints · 20/03/2015 23:33

HTF can you inspire somebody to become pregnant.
Your dh is after shagging her, its quite clear.

squoosh · 20/03/2015 23:35

I wouldn't say its 'quite clear' that he's shagging her!