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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friends to go out of sight when they smoke a cigarette?

178 replies

AzureDress · 20/03/2015 12:34

An old friend is coming to stay for few days. She is a heavy smoker and often chain-smokes. My DP previously smoked and in past I'd have occasional cigarette, and in our old house we used to let friends smoke in kitchen.

However I'm now pregnant and can't stand the smell, it makes me gag and sometimes vomit. DP quit smoking 2 months ago when we moved into new flat and (for his health and our baby) I don't want him tempted to start again. I don't want our friend lighting up in front of either of us for different reasons, even outside.

DP had a couple of cigarettes on our balcony (accessed via our bedroom) when we first moved in but the smell seemed to leech in through doors (or maybe on his clothes when he came in) as our bedroom reeked of smoke afterwards. I don't want our friend smoking on balcony, I think we should tell her to smoke outside only although DP pointed out there are 2 flights of stairs and nowhere to sit outdoors.

She doesn't know I'm pregnant yet (we want to tell her in person) but I'm worried it will be really awkward asking her to smoke out of sight. She likes to sit down with a cup of tea when smoking. DP is more sympathetic as he knows what it's like to be addicted to smoking.

In past when we went out (eg on daytrips) she and DP would frequently light-up, eg. when walking or in pub garden or before going in car/buildings. He's done so well to quit I don't want this ruined (or him feeling tortured) by watching her smoke.
AIBU to ask her not to smoke in front of us but to discreetly walk out of sight before lighting up?
This is also likely to be a problem with our other friends who are smokers.

OP posts:
BadLad · 21/03/2015 11:51

You don't seem very high on your DP's list of priorities, OP, to me anyway.

Sorry to be unsupportive, but he seems to be going out of his way to accommodate this friend and get her over to stay without giving much of a toss about how much it pisses you off.

I suppose it's good that he isn't shirking paying for his other kids. I was amazed to see the amount dismissed as not very much on your other thread. I assume 800 quid a month is a fair whack from his salary.

ihatebikerides · 21/03/2015 11:54

Isn't it professionally unacceptable for a lecturer to have sex with a student?

JanineStHubbins · 21/03/2015 11:57

I assume 800 quid a month is a fair whack from his salary.

Not really. Lecturer net starting salary is about 2,400 a month. Given that he's been in his job for at least 7 years, he's likely to be earning much more than that. And that's without a promotion (which, given that he has a penchant for shagging undergrad and postgrad students, might be unlikely).

BadLad · 21/03/2015 11:58

I stand corrected

BeyondDoesBootcamp · 21/03/2015 12:04

Did he cheat on the fruit loop ex wife with her, or someon else?

Jackieharris · 21/03/2015 12:08

Eww what an old perv

He's a cheat with multiple wives, exes, kids, who has fucked at least 2 of his students.

He's not at an ancient coastal Uni is he?

Buxtonstill · 21/03/2015 12:16

Did your friend ever shag the ex wife?

Original poster
AzureDress · 21/03/2015 13:00

I understand why it comes across badly (student-lecturer thing) but it really wasn't like that. When I met him he was in a bad place, and we were just friends for a long time. It was me who urged him to take it from friendship to relationship, he was cautious about what people would think (it's not illegal but is frowned upon). To the best of my knowledge he never had an affair when with me or when married to his ex.

I genuinely trust him with most women, but I do feel he misreads signs sometimes and assumes women are being friendly when they're flirting. He likes to have deep, passionate intense conversations that give some women the wrong idea.

He's not controlling but he can be very stubborn. I can explain something until cows come home but if it doesn't make sense to him he will not give in. He genuinely thinks our friend will be happy and inspired to hear about pregnancy because in his mind this is 'logical'.
He thinks she won't mind not smoking around us because to him the pregnancy is more important than a Nicoteine craving and he plans to give her his e-cigarette!! He pointed out he didn't smoke around her when she quit, so assumes she won't mind doing the same. I'm not justifying any of this, just explaining how his mind works.

Thanks for the seat idea whoever suggested it, I think that will help. DP says he's happy to get a garden-chair and table to set up outside so she has a designated smoking place and somewhere to put her cup of tea.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 21/03/2015 13:20

Well I think he is in for a major learning curve when she gets upset and angry for his total insensitivity, just a shame he has to hurt her and involve you to learn it.

I wouldnt be at all surprised if the table and chair are not needed, as she will go straight home. He also shouldnt count on an upset jealous woman keeping a secret for him either.

Word to the wise, the absent minded and childlike professor persona can be very endearing, until you are up to neck in dirty nappies and he wandering around like some self appointed Enstein who couldnt possibly be expected to understand how such mundane things work.

I think I know why his first wife left him.......

MissDuke · 21/03/2015 13:22

Don't forget to update after the visit! Better yet, ask her to Grin

GlitterTwinkleToes · 21/03/2015 13:33

Fuck, Jeremy Kyle would have a blast with you guys Grin.
Seriously woman up, tell her pregnant yourself and smoking is banned in the flat/duplex . Is you partner always so controlling towards you?

Branleuse · 21/03/2015 14:09

can you have a passionate deep intense conversation with him about how fucking weird hes being?

Jackieharris · 21/03/2015 14:21

I take it his DCs aren't going to be around during her visit?

Funny how neither of you bothered about smoking around his existing DCs but are all against the harms of passive smoking now you are pregnant. Is this going to be the precedent that this DC is going to be treated more favourable than the existing DCs?

miniavenger · 21/03/2015 14:28

Well I suppose the one silver lining with his insensitivity is she'll probably bugger off and leave you too it and he'll realise logic goes out the window when it comes to emotion.

cansu · 21/03/2015 14:36

Tbh you both sound either immature or weirdly insensitive. Someone who is struggling to conceive will not want to receive news like this in person. The whole not smoking on balcony thing is also rather unwelcoming. I do not like smoking but have friends who smoke. When they come to visit they stand on patio and I have ven been known to go outside to chat with them. You are being somewhat ridiculous.

ThatCuckingFat · 21/03/2015 14:39

Jackie why jump to that assumption? at what point did the OP say they smoke around the kids?
Plenty of people I know smoke but never smoke round kids, their own or other peoples. Some of my friends didn't even know their parents smoked until they were adults!

OP - 'I genuinely trust him with most women'
If you're not comfortable with your DP being around this woman, don't let her visit! Or talk to him about it, honestly. Sounds like there is tension there and I would try and straighten it out if I were you. Trust issues can just get worse if they're ignored.

RocketInMyPocket · 21/03/2015 15:35

OK, sorry but I feel like I'm missing something.

Didn't you say earlier that he and this woman had a fling when they were both involved with other people?

Doesn't sound great, that a) He's got form for being unfaithful and b) He's got form for being unfaithful with this woman in particular...

ApocalypseThen · 21/03/2015 15:45

This is great. On the one hand, there's OP, responsible for keeping her boyfriend off the fags and women, in the other, the scarlet temptress trying to seduce him with fags and sex.

For such a dreamy incompetent, he definitely has everyone right where he wants them by total accident.

squoosh · 21/03/2015 15:51

I hope it doesn't pan out like Black Narcissus, with the women going mad with desire for him and attempting to bump one another off.

RocketInMyPocket · 21/03/2015 16:07

He must use Lynx Grin

Bogeyface · 21/03/2015 16:20

he must have a solid gold penis Hmm

Original poster
AzureDress · 21/03/2015 16:36

'Funny how neither of you bothered about smoking around his existing DCs'

Neither of us have ever smoked in front of his DCs. He used to use Nicoteine patches on weekends we had DCs (and I only smoked occasionally at parties so it was never an issue). In our previous place we sometimes let friends smoke in kitchen with door open, but never when DCs were there.

OP posts:
Original poster
AzureDress · 21/03/2015 16:44

ThatCucking and Rocket, yes he had a fling with her when they were teenagers, before he met his first wife. It had never bothered me until now, so I don't know if I'm just being paranoid/insecure because of pregnancy or whether she has another plan in mind.

I generally trust him completely but he does struggle to read signals at times. In past there have been a few incidents where women have messaged him (and in one case tried to kiss him at a party) and he was very puzzled why they'd got the wrong idea. He showed me the messages and asked me what he'd done to give them wrong impression!
So in some senses he is vulnerable.

OP posts:
theboatisleaking · 21/03/2015 17:50

Why are people being so harsh about OP's DP? IMO he sounds quite sensitive and shy, not the lazy sex-crazed calculating cheating idiot people are making him out to be!!

My friend's DH is similar. Very intellectual but totally scatty. She has to set electronic reminders on his phone or nothing would ever get done. He has a high-powered job and is a deep-thinker, very creative, easily distracted, gets lost in own world, kids adore him. He is clueless with kids stuff (they have 2) and has to rigidly follow a list to get things done. Spontaneous parenting doesn't come instinctively to everyone, nor do social skills.

DarthVadersTailor · 21/03/2015 17:56

As a smoker I'd say YANBU to say they have to smoke outside and in this day & age your friend will be more than used to this I'm sure. But out of sight? That seems a tad ridiculous to me as it's just not workable, you'll make your friend feel like a total pariah by doing this which I don't think is at all fair - besides what will you do regarding the millions of other smokers out there that you can't control? Why do you expect that just because their your friend that you can control this with them?