To tell friends to go out of sight when they smoke a cigarette?

[AzureDress]

An old friend is coming to stay for few days. She is a heavy smoker and often chain-smokes. My DP previously smoked and in past I'd have occasional cigarette, and in our old house we used to let friends smoke in kitchen.

However I'm now pregnant and can't stand the smell, it makes me gag and sometimes vomit. DP quit smoking 2 months ago when we moved into new flat and (for his health and our baby) I don't want him tempted to start again. I don't want our friend lighting up in front of either of us for different reasons, even outside.

DP had a couple of cigarettes on our balcony (accessed via our bedroom) when we first moved in but the smell seemed to leech in through doors (or maybe on his clothes when he came in) as our bedroom reeked of smoke afterwards. I don't want our friend smoking on balcony, I think we should tell her to smoke outside only although DP pointed out there are 2 flights of stairs and nowhere to sit outdoors.

She doesn't know I'm pregnant yet (we want to tell her in person) but I'm worried it will be really awkward asking her to smoke out of sight. She likes to sit down with a cup of tea when smoking. DP is more sympathetic as he knows what it's like to be addicted to smoking.

In past when we went out (eg on daytrips) she and DP would frequently light-up, eg. when walking or in pub garden or before going in car/buildings. He's done so well to quit I don't want this ruined (or him feeling tortured) by watching her smoke.
AIBU to ask her not to smoke in front of us but to discreetly walk out of sight before lighting up?
This is also likely to be a problem with our other friends who are smokers.

Would people really discount someone as a potential friend because they were a smoker? I'd take 'smoker' over 'big fan of Daniel O'Donnell' any day.

Daniel and his ds my ears.

Yes, I have had them in my car before and the upholstery takes ages to not smell of smoke. It makes me sneeze and feel sick. I have no interest in stale alcoholic breath, shoplifter types either so not an exclusive to smokers.

do you set them a quiz first like a friends test?

No, what a great idea.

No smokers, boozers or light fingered types need apply Joan!

TheBoat, yes she's more DP's friend than mine, he's known her since childhood. I've known her about 8 years but she doesn't live nearby anymore so last few years we only met up about twice a year. She and I have an up-and-down friendship, I love her and I do miss her, but at one time we didn't get on at all. Other times we've been very close. She likes to be centre of attention and gets very flirty with DP at times which I find irritating.

DP invited her and he's adamant he wants to tell her face-to-face about pregnancy, he knows about her problems conceiving but thinks it's too impersonal to tell her on phone.

Gamerchick, I'm not 'rubbing her nose in it' at all but I can't hide the pregnancy and of course we are excited about it. It's our first (long-awaited) and I'm naturally worried about exposure to toxins from second-hand smoke. I don't think her desire for a Nicoteine fix should trump my right to protect my baby. I don't feel it's appropriate for both of us to have to get up and move away each time she smokes, when she could smoke elsewhere. If DP starts smoking again because she has been smoking under his nose for 3 days, I'll be furious, because it could potentially affect our baby's health too. I know its DP's decision not to smoke, but breaking an addiction isn't easy.

I'm surprised so many think it's reasonable to smoke in front of a friend who has just quit. If your friend was on a gruellingly strict new diet and suffering sugar-cravings, would you sit and eat a cream-cake in front of her??

My neighbour borrowed my fire pit chimney thing in the Autumn, so they could burn papers. I am going to ask for it back and cross them off the list for attempted light fingers.

Pah. Get your DP to read Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking and he won't be affected by people smoking around him. Stopping smoking really doesn't need to be torture some people make it out to be.

OP it's absolutely up to you what's allowed in your own home, but I'm a bit confused about you hoping that she'll move to "a different park bench / picnic table"

IME these things are often grouped together, so what happens if a stranger's smoking nearby? And what about pedestrians whose smoke you catch a whiff of? Are you going to tell them to move out of sight too?? Somehow I doubt that would always go down well ...

Oh and just for clarity, I'm an ex-smoker myself

DP invited her and he's adamant he wants to tell her face-to-face about pregnancy, he knows about her problems conceiving but thinks it's too impersonal to tell her on phone.

Thats exactly why you tell her by email. It gives her the chance to cry, scream that its not fair, hate your guts and be very upset in private

Forget the smoking issue, THIS is what could break your friendship if you do it the wrong way and I am afraid your DH is very very wrong about this.

If DP starts smoking again because she has been smoking under his nose for 3 days, I'll be furious

Furious with him though surely?

He must come across many smokers on a day to day basis walking down the road. It really is something he has to take personal responsibility for giving up.

Exactly the same as when friends are on diets. You wouldn't expect them to come to your house and stick to slimfast shakes just because you've chosen to do that yourself, surely?

Being told sensitive news over the 'impersonal' telephone can be a positive thing for the receiver of the news.

Hmm, I can see this visit not going well - I don't think you are being u about not smoking around you, but

1. Your relationship seems a little fraught anyway - at least that's what I'm getting.
2. You're going to announce your pregnancy to someone who is having fertility problems. Whilst logically she should be pleased for you, her initial reaction may be coloured by her own difficulties.
3. As you are now pregnant, she is being made to feel like a leper when before there was no issue.

It could be a bit of toxic mix of emotions, and whilst you're quite right (well, not the out of sight thing really, but everything else)

I would limit smoking to the balcony, and just ask that she smokes away from you.

I'd hope that any smoker would have the sense not to smoke around a pregnant woman anyway.

You sound like hard work. She can do whatever she likes if she's not inside.

Tbh with you its glaringly obvious that the real issue is with how she is with your bloke without you mentioning flirting. That's okay you know.

You say you didn't get on once.. was it a compromise to keep the peace at first to be friends with her? If your dude did start to smoke again would you see it as a he picked her over you?

Gamerchick I think you're right, there is more going on that just the smoking. I would feel he'd 'sided' with her if he started smoking again because of her influence. It would feel like he shared a connection with her that excluded me and could risk our baby's health if he couldn't quit again before the birth.

Before I met him, DP and this girl had a brief fling when they were both dating other people. When I was first with DP (7 years ago) she was very flirty with him and quite jealous of our relationship, initially she was very hostile towards me. A year later she and I became close and were even lovers for a while (DP knew and didn't mind). We drifted apart when she moved away but stayed in touch. A year ago we had a minor disagreement on a weekend away with friends. We made up, although things have been a bit frosty since then.

Worral I think passing smokers in street is different from someone rolling one and smoking it in front of you. If my friend was on a strict slim-fast diet and I was a guest in her house, no i wouldn't eat slim-fast shakes but I would eat healthily eg not order pizza in front of her or sit at the table with her and make her watch me eat doughnuts. If I wanted a chocolate-fix or something I'd eat it in private. I'd hope my guests would do same if I was on a strict diet.

OP, I don't think anyone is suggesting you are being unreasonable to say you'd prefer she doesn't smoke in your house now you're pregnant. But that really doesn't seem to be what this thread is about. I think if this was a friend you cared about then you would simply call her or email me in advance to tell her about your pregnancy, you'd let her know smoking isn't allowed in your house and you'd be looking forward to seeing her. Instead, you seem to be itching for a confrontation.

Email her obviously, not me. Thank god.

Yeah that's pretty hardcore.

Since you've both been intimate with her then he doesn't get dibs on delivering news that could upset her. Get it out of the way before she comes and lay the new rules on smoking down then.

Give her the choice and time to process.

Rules in your house that is. You're on a hiding to nothing on the outdoors thing. Whether your bloke is swayed or not nobody can predict unfortunately.

I just spoke to DP about telling her in advance (I'm with you on this one I think it's better she's informed on phone re pregnancy). But he's still dead-set against it. He thinks she might tell his parents or local friends (his parents don't know I'm pregnant yet because he wants to tell them in person and they live far away). He says he needs to get her to 'swear to secrecy' before telling her the news as he says she gossips. He also thinks we can break it more gently in person. I don't want to go behind his back and tell her as its likely to cause huge problems between us when he finds out.

Having a smoker in your house will make your house smell of smoke regardless.

The smell sticks to fabric and hair.

Then delaying the visit is the only viable option I can see.

You should delay her visit until you can tell her about your pregnancy beforehand, and explain that she can't smoke in your house and that your DP has given up and would prefer she doesn't smoke around him. Very reasonable requests. But your current plan of announcing your pregnancy to a nicotine addicted infertile ex lover then stopping her regular nicotine fix and is almost guaranteeing a confrontation.