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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friends to go out of sight when they smoke a cigarette?

178 replies

AzureDress · 20/03/2015 12:34

An old friend is coming to stay for few days. She is a heavy smoker and often chain-smokes. My DP previously smoked and in past I'd have occasional cigarette, and in our old house we used to let friends smoke in kitchen.

However I'm now pregnant and can't stand the smell, it makes me gag and sometimes vomit. DP quit smoking 2 months ago when we moved into new flat and (for his health and our baby) I don't want him tempted to start again. I don't want our friend lighting up in front of either of us for different reasons, even outside.

DP had a couple of cigarettes on our balcony (accessed via our bedroom) when we first moved in but the smell seemed to leech in through doors (or maybe on his clothes when he came in) as our bedroom reeked of smoke afterwards. I don't want our friend smoking on balcony, I think we should tell her to smoke outside only although DP pointed out there are 2 flights of stairs and nowhere to sit outdoors.

She doesn't know I'm pregnant yet (we want to tell her in person) but I'm worried it will be really awkward asking her to smoke out of sight. She likes to sit down with a cup of tea when smoking. DP is more sympathetic as he knows what it's like to be addicted to smoking.

In past when we went out (eg on daytrips) she and DP would frequently light-up, eg. when walking or in pub garden or before going in car/buildings. He's done so well to quit I don't want this ruined (or him feeling tortured) by watching her smoke.
AIBU to ask her not to smoke in front of us but to discreetly walk out of sight before lighting up?
This is also likely to be a problem with our other friends who are smokers.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 20/03/2015 13:36

Just cancel the visit. It's not going to happen the way you want it, you can't banish her outside.

gamerchick · 20/03/2015 13:38

It's fine to say can you not smoke around me but the fuck off out of sight and test the wind before you light up would earn you a flick of the Vs.

Nowfeeltheneedtopost · 20/03/2015 14:02

You don't sound as if you think of her as a friend at all. Why don't you simply say that neither you nor your DP smoke anymore and so she won't be able to smoke in your house. Tell her you'd still welcome her staying (assuming you would) but wanted to be very clear upfront so she could make the decision because you would hate her to feel uncomfortable wanting a cigarette with her cup of tea and not able to have one etc. Anything else, such as suggesting she has to be out of sight, just sounds as if you are looking for an excuse to make her as uncomfortable as possible.

lavenderhoney · 20/03/2015 14:05

Why do you want to tell her in person about your pregnancy? If she is having problems it might be kinder to make a call. She can compose herself and decide if she wants to come - she might not, and she will know in advance not to smoke in your home.

FuckItBucket · 20/03/2015 14:08

Choose your friends carefully. None of mine smoke

Grinwould you defriend them if they started?

ThatBloodyWoman · 20/03/2015 14:12

Just talk to her like a friend does,and ask her if she'd mind,because it'd help in resisting temptation.
I think its all about the approach,whether yabu or yanbu.

SueChef · 20/03/2015 14:13

When I smoked there's no way I'd want to spend 3 days in your company with those attitudes. You should tell her not to bother coming at all.

ThatBloodyWoman · 20/03/2015 14:14

(Sometimes when someone lights up near me I'd rugby tackle them for a drag,and I gave up nearly 5 years ago.)

wigglesrock · 20/03/2015 14:18

I agree with lavenderhoney, I think you need to give her prior warning that you're pregnant especially if she's been having difficulty conceiving. I think it's unkind to tell her in person, especially if you tell her at the beginning of the break, I know when I had problems conceiving, every time a friend or relative told me, I was grateful they did it over the phone so I could cry in peace and then put my brave face on.

gamerchick · 20/03/2015 14:21

See going solely on what's in this thread, I've got a picture in my head of someone who doesn't like a lady much, has a large dose of I'M pregnants, knows this lady is struggling to conceive and fancies rubbing her nose in it every chance she gets.

Probably not what's going on but it isn't coming across very well.

FuckItBucket · 20/03/2015 14:23

So you want to tell her you are pregnant and that you don't want to see her face when she smokes?

That she should spare your DHs feelings as he's a non smoker?

I hope she doesn't bother

keepsmiling2015 · 20/03/2015 14:47

If you are all outside she is free to smoke. Why don't you walk away. I don't mean that in a smarmy way but why should she leave?

theboatisleaking · 20/03/2015 14:53

It does sound like she's more DP's friend than yours. Who invited her? Would you feel the same if a different smoker friend was visiting?

I don't smoke but DH used to and lots of our friends did. When he was giving up it used to really bug me if friends smoked right in front of him or offered him cigarettes (almost like they wanted to tempt him back to his old ways!) I do get it that smoking is a social thing. But IMO it's rude and selfish to light-up in front of a friend who just quit if you know they're struggling to resist. Hopefully your friend cares about your DP enough to support him in quitting. But if she's jealous or feels lonely smoking outside, she might try to get him to 'just have one' to keep her company.

It's tricky about the pregnancy, on one hand she might be delighted for you and voluntarily move away to smoke. On other hand she might be envious and resentful and make a point of doing what she wants.

At the very least she should go outside to smoke, not use balcony, and shouldn't smoke close to you since you're pregnant. She needs to get up and take a stroll rather than smoke on the same bench or at same table.

Sallyingforth · 20/03/2015 14:56

Even if she goes out of sight, when she comes back she will still stink of stale smoke and it will be on her breath. That's almost worse than the fresh smoke IMO.

fatlazymummy · 20/03/2015 15:03

theboatisleaking I disagree about it being rude and selfish to smoke in front of someone who has just given up (assuming it's outside or in their own home of course). If someone is on a diet does that mean noone else should eat cake in their company in case they get tempted? No, it's up to the individual to say 'no thanks, I don't smoke'.

Thymeout · 20/03/2015 15:04

Please tell her beforehand.

I'd be seriously reconsidering my visit if I had any idea of the strength of your feelings on this. Not in the house is fair enough, but not smoking when you're out and about together?

fatlazymummy · 20/03/2015 15:06

Sorry, should have added ,that is a different issue to smoking close to someone who is pregnant ,of course. I do agree with you there.

Bogeyface · 20/03/2015 15:09

Its generally accepted that if someone hearing about your pregnancy could be very upsetting to them then its best to tell them in a way where they dont have to react in front of you.

Best bet is to email and tell her about the pregnancy, explain why you are telling her in that way so that she has chance to process it in private, and wait to hear from her.

If she gets back that yes, she does still want to stay then simply say "Oh btw, the flat is non smoking since DP gave up" and then deal with any other issues as they come up.

Lovelyclaycup · 20/03/2015 15:15

Smoking is a filthy habit. Smoking around non-smokers, is pretty selfish imo. Can you not delay her visit? Or get your dh to meet up with her instead? I agree that you shouldn't tell her about your pregnancy whilst she is visiting you, it is likely to upset her and make her want to smoke even more, which she should quit anyway if she ttc, but I digress.

Tell her on the phone that you are expecting. If you are not ready to share the news, postpone her visit indefinitely.

Thurlow · 20/03/2015 15:28

Smoking is a filthy habit. Smoking around non-smokers, is pretty selfish imo

I have to agree, even as a smoker. I'd never expect to smoke in someone's house, I barely even expect to smoke in someone's garden.

Funny responses on here today.

Sukie272 · 20/03/2015 16:01

I agree you need to tell her you're pregnant before she arrives.

I'm pregnant and I wouldn't want someone smoking really close to me. Some of my friends smoke but they're very considerate. If we're in a crowded pub-garden they never smoke at table if there are young children nearby, they get up and find a quiet spot with less people. Being outside doesn't mean people are ok with the smoke especially if they have a baby, or there's no breeze and the smoke drifts into their food.

squoosh · 20/03/2015 16:02

I'm also not sure how she will react to news of pregnancy as she and her DH have fertility problems.

Yes, the kind thing would definitely be to tell her before she arrives!

JoanHicksonMIfive · 20/03/2015 16:08

I can't stand that smoker stink. I feel sick and sneeze if they come near me with the smell on their skin and clothes.

I also choose my friends wisely and have no smokers as friends.

It takes an hour to expelled smoke from their lungs, so no wonder they bring the stench into the house.

MrsFlannel · 20/03/2015 16:15

As an occasional smoker I ALWAYS go out of sight when I do. Smoking is not something I'm proud of at all...I especially feel bad if there are children around. I find an area near an outside bin preferably.

WorraLiberty · 20/03/2015 16:15

Tell her there's no smoking allowed on the balcony

Don't ask her to hide away from your DH when she's smoking, as this will possibly make you sound like you've lost the plot....or that you've morphed into his mother Grin

I'm an ex smoker so I know how hard it is to give up, but you can't expect the rest of the world to hide themselves away when they want to smoke.