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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell friends to go out of sight when they smoke a cigarette?

178 replies

AzureDress · 20/03/2015 12:34

An old friend is coming to stay for few days. She is a heavy smoker and often chain-smokes. My DP previously smoked and in past I'd have occasional cigarette, and in our old house we used to let friends smoke in kitchen.

However I'm now pregnant and can't stand the smell, it makes me gag and sometimes vomit. DP quit smoking 2 months ago when we moved into new flat and (for his health and our baby) I don't want him tempted to start again. I don't want our friend lighting up in front of either of us for different reasons, even outside.

DP had a couple of cigarettes on our balcony (accessed via our bedroom) when we first moved in but the smell seemed to leech in through doors (or maybe on his clothes when he came in) as our bedroom reeked of smoke afterwards. I don't want our friend smoking on balcony, I think we should tell her to smoke outside only although DP pointed out there are 2 flights of stairs and nowhere to sit outdoors.

She doesn't know I'm pregnant yet (we want to tell her in person) but I'm worried it will be really awkward asking her to smoke out of sight. She likes to sit down with a cup of tea when smoking. DP is more sympathetic as he knows what it's like to be addicted to smoking.

In past when we went out (eg on daytrips) she and DP would frequently light-up, eg. when walking or in pub garden or before going in car/buildings. He's done so well to quit I don't want this ruined (or him feeling tortured) by watching her smoke.
AIBU to ask her not to smoke in front of us but to discreetly walk out of sight before lighting up?
This is also likely to be a problem with our other friends who are smokers.

OP posts:
TwinkieTwinkle · 21/03/2015 10:27

Hmmmmm...

FenellaFellorick · 21/03/2015 10:30

If it's about finding somewhere outside, can you put a seat at the bottom of the garden so it's far enough away from the flat so that you can't smell it?

AzureDress · 21/03/2015 10:34

Buxton, we were all at uni together, I met her through him (DP was a lecturer, she was doing her Phd, I was an undergrad). I do realise how weird that sounds now I've just written it lol! We never had a threesome but I know she had them with other people, it was quite commonplace at our uni. She always hated his first wife though she likes his kids.

Northern, yes she can smoke in garden but she'd still have to go up and down a lot of stairs.

OP posts:
HappydaysArehere · 21/03/2015 10:40

I agree tell her before she comes. Tell her it really upsets you but you are worried about how she feels about smoking outside. Any sort of friend will consider you first. We have one smoker in the family and that is my daughter. She knows we don't have smoking in the house and always goes outside and we have never had to ask her. When you don't smoke the smell is nauseus.

BadLad · 21/03/2015 10:41

Lynn, these are sex people!

BeyondDoesBootcamp · 21/03/2015 10:45

Gosh. Umm...

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2015 10:50

So when you talk about her possibly going 'out of your building' to smoke (in a place where there's nowhere to sit), you just mean your back garden.

Is that right?

Northernlurker · 21/03/2015 10:53

I'm not sure the op has really thought her posts through today. Uni sounds great though. All that free love Grin

TobyLerone · 21/03/2015 11:01

BadLad :o

Stratter5 · 21/03/2015 11:04

Lynn, these are sex people!

Arf Grin

JoanHicksonMIfive · 21/03/2015 11:13

So an older tutor took advantage of a load of his students. It is not her you need to focus your concern on.

Where is the thread stating he is a deadbeatdad?Shock

RocketInMyPocket · 21/03/2015 11:13

So how long have you got left until this weekend of fun?

You're not planning on making this woman Godmother are you?

JoanHicksonMIfive · 21/03/2015 11:15

Has he got a harem of ex students he meets up with on these uni lecturing weekend business trips?

CitySnicker · 21/03/2015 11:19

OP. You must be worried that she will rape him essentially, as he won't be able to say 'no.' Not sure how the timeline all fits together with your thread today. He sounds like a dirty old man now tbh.

Branleuse · 21/03/2015 11:24

oh eeww he was the lecturer and you were both his students.

I think given the circs and the history, its understandable youre feeling weird, but has he actively agreed that youre all monogamous now or are you just expecting it all of a sudden because youre pregnant?

Was the baby planned?

I think youre projecting a lot onto the smoking issue but i think the real issue is that you now want a 'normal' life instead of free love and polyamory, and youre worried that your dp seeing old friends will reignite passions that you want dead and buried

Bogeyface · 21/03/2015 11:28

I'm sorry but I really dont see this ending well for you.

Your DP is a sleaze at best, a predator at worst. Your "friend" is little better.

You seem to have grown out of that behaviour, they dont. I feel very sad that you are bringing a baby into what is clearly not a stable relationship.

He was a lecturer to your undergrad....is he always in charge? Does he always refuse to listen to you because he knows best?

squoosh · 21/03/2015 11:28

The revelations keep on coming. I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out you all have separate magic powers and the university was actually called the X-Men School For the Gifted.

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2015 11:39

So basically, everyone is free to have sex with everyone else, but woe betide them if they spark up a cigarette afterwards Grin

Mozzereena · 21/03/2015 11:45

YANBU. Smoking is a fucking disgusting habit. If I were an addict I would be ashamed to allow my friends to see me indulge in my filthy habit or for them to smell tobacco smoke on me.

MissDuke · 21/03/2015 11:46

Op, so at uni you were shagging a male lecturer, and also a female phd student? And in your world this is all 'fashionable', 'common' and normal?

I do see why you are now concerned, but maybe your dh has different standards to you? It sounds like he has more to worry about than you, as there is no suggestion that he has been unfaithful?

I agree with others, you need to stop this visit, somehow DH needs to see sense. He also needs to ring his parents, he cannot tell this girl before he tells them! The whole swearing to secrecy thing is weird.

JoanHicksonMIfive · 21/03/2015 11:46

No wonder she keeps her DH away from you all. Poor bloke probably has no idea what you are all like.

JanineStHubbins · 21/03/2015 11:47

The DH is the male lecturer, MissDuke

JanineStHubbins · 21/03/2015 11:48

OP's DH, that is.

JanineStHubbins · 21/03/2015 11:49

And the OP's DH cheated on a previous girlfriend with smoking friend.

Buxtonstill · 21/03/2015 11:50

Congratulations on your first two threads by the way, and welcome to Mumsnet. It's a wonder you have survived all these years without MN advice!
Your DP is snt called Bob is he?