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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my colleague to hug me every day?

210 replies

perrita · 19/03/2015 22:39

Recently changed to a new team at work, they're all very nice. Each morning, one of the women on the team will come around to each of our desks and give everyone a hug.

I hate it; it makes me feel uncomfortable, I've tried ignoring her or walking away but she literally stands and waits with her arms open and says something like "it's time for morning hugs". I'm not a big hugger in general, and although she's nice enough and we get on okay I still barely know her.

It's been going on for about a week and a half now and I don't know how to stop it, I don't want to offend her or have the other people on the team think I'm strange or horrible or anything but I just don't want a hug although the problem is I feel like I've let it go on too long and I don't know how to tell her to stop.

DH thinks I'm BU and should just put up with it as "it's only a hug, she's just being nice" but I don't think I should have to do something that makes me uncomfortable. AIBU?

OP posts:

Momagain1 · 20/03/2015 21:27

How big is your office? In addition to all the inappropriateness, she is wasting a good chunk of her morning, and interrupting others trying to get their day going. You would think that would be a problem, day after day, even in a very relaxed office.

MillieMagnolia · 20/03/2015 21:32

I like dansmum's suggestion. Give it a go and come back and tell us what happened. You should not have to put up with hugs. i , like many others, would not like them.

Sazzle41 · 20/03/2015 21:37

I work somewhere very relaxed now (after banking) but this sounds inappropriate and/or needy (shades of please love me, please love me) and she needs to understand personal and professional boundaries. Just say with a huge smile "I'm really not a huggy person" and walk away fast. Don't negotiate. If she tries to force it go to HR. She shouldnt impose unwanted physical contact on anyone either at work or outside work.

bloodyteenagers · 20/03/2015 21:59

I had been working at my current place for some time and in a staff meeting it was announced that my role had changed. Woman next to me, who I had never worked with grabbed and hugged me.. Caught off guard I actually screamed and tensed up.

She was shocked and asked wtf. But really I cannot handle this without notice. She kept on and on about how unusual, everyone loves a hug, no one had said differently. It's what she did. Every morning she saw colleagues she would hug them.

No but I dont, honestly. I have also been known to lash out from unwanted touch....

Then someone else spoke up.

Turns out a lot of people don't like this. Just too polite to say anything. So they just accept it.

Sad really. That we just accept things we don't like for fear of upsetting others, even though it's upsetting to us.

thenightsky · 20/03/2015 22:01

I work with 6 psychiatrists. One of them turned up new and, in her first week, found her secretary was wanting hug. She said to my boss (senior psychiatrist) 'oh dear my secretary is borderline personality disorder'.

Seamar · 20/03/2015 23:58

I think you should be really nice about it and give her a big hug back. It's two seconds out of your day xxx

handsoffmecrownjules · 21/03/2015 07:29

Only just seen this post and OP this is INSANE - no of course YANBU! As others have said I strongly suspect others feel uncomfortable with this too, but don't like to challenge it - especially if she's a nice person that everyone likes. There will be those in the office that might like it and then of course let them hug away, but this is not be expected of anyone else who joins the team! As thenightsky has said this is very odd behaviour. I'm a fairly tactile person too 'though and sometimes have to stop myself from touching people (not hugging them!) as we just don't know their history and what that might trigger for them. I would have a quiet word though as she just might not have thought this through and it will probably shock her that not everyone wants to be hugged. You'd be doing her a favour. Obv if she reacts weirdly....take it to HR! Good luck but don't accept this for a day longer!!

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 21/03/2015 09:53

Seamar haven't you read through the thread? So many of us hate it. It feels intrusive, unwanted, we feel deeply uncomfortable, a bit violated even. WHY should we suck all that up just to "be really nice about it" and hug people back? Yes it's two seconds but it's two seconds where we feel absolutely horrible. I literally shudder after unwanted hugs, it takes me a while to feel ok again. Why should I feel that way? Why do our feelings matter less than the person going round demanding false hugs in an inappropriate setting?

If you are a hugger, and doing it to "be nice" then why not "be nice" by reading through the thread and accepting that different viewpoints exist. Some people may be victims of sexual abuse and may have serious personal space issues as a result.

FenellaFellorick · 21/03/2015 10:03

why should she? Why is it not ok to respect the fact that some people HATE being pawed at? Why does the hugger's wish to grab at you trump your desire to not be mauled?

You do not have to submit to touching if you do not wish to be touched. Ever. That must be respected.

ZacharyQuack · 21/03/2015 10:25

Grab her left boob, give it a good squeeze and shout HONK HONK!

MrsRog23 · 21/03/2015 11:35

Yanbu if you're not that kind of person you shouldn't have to deal with it. Maybe take her to one side and explain that you're not into hugs but you can high five instead? Out of interest how old is this woman? Has she been at the company long? X

BerylStreep · 21/03/2015 11:52

Where is the OP?

I want to know if she has spoken to the hugger.

Opopanax · 21/03/2015 12:11

I wouldn't want to high five either. It would make me cringe inside.

biggles50 · 21/03/2015 13:48

You can sort this easily and in a fun way. Buy a cuddly bear and put it on your desk. When she approaches you for her dreaded hug .. "ah yes I saw this and thought of you. Personally I hate hugs but so you won't take offense give teddy a hug. Isn't he adorable? There you go big hug". Turn back to computer.

SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 21/03/2015 14:07

I couldn't bear this either. My MIL hugged me yesterday, prefaced by an 'I know you don't do hugs but you're getting one anyway.'. With her, I had to grit my teeth and bear it, but no way would I put up with it in a colleague!

My suggestion would be to lean into the hug, make it last just a second too long, and briefly nuzzle her neck. You could vary it each money; first a nuzzle, then a long sniff of her skin and maybe, maybe, briefly lick her ear.

SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 21/03/2015 14:08

*morning, not money!

Although, there's an idea. You could slip a fiver into her waistband.

toothlessoldhag · 21/03/2015 14:13

Sorry biggles50, but that sounds quite forced, unless OP is a brilliant actress. I think it's a rotten situation, which I'd hate, but I'm afraid that only an assertive hands up to stop her, saying "no thanks" will do the trick.

And if someone can get me out of the kisses I get from colleagues that I see only infrequently (different site), I'll be most grateful . I sometimes succeed by thrusting out my hand for a handshake, but that seems absurd when I've known them for years. I just blimmin don't want to kiss my colleagues! What happened to English reserve?

GloopyGhoul · 21/03/2015 17:10

Was reminded of this thread earlier today when my husband sneak-kissed me (my eyes were closed) and I jumped so hard I tweaked my already sore back. I yelled. And that's someone I willingly have sex with.

Huggers need to realise that their desires don't trump non-huggers'. Non-huggers of the world unite! from an acceptable distance

DavenotChas · 21/03/2015 17:48

I too have been in the presence of a work hugger, luckily I'd seen him do it to others and so was prepared for him. I did the hands in front of me thing and said, "unless I've given birth to you or married you, I don't do hugs". Followed by a passive aggressive "no offence"

DarthVadersTailor · 21/03/2015 17:50

It's quite easy. You just say "Please don't hug me, it makes me feel uncomfortable" And let's face it, it is just weird what this person does....

drbadbride · 21/03/2015 19:01

Tuck a small cucumber down the front of your knickers. When the hugger attacks, press your groin up against hers. You know, like at a school disco. If that doesn't put her off, I don't know what will

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 21/03/2015 22:40

Roaring at small cucumber

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 22/03/2015 16:17

It's sounds to me like she's just trying to be nice but I would find it tiring. I am very tactile myself but this would get on my wick.

It's only been going on a week so hopefully she'll get bored of it soon.

stellarossa · 23/03/2015 20:12

Urgghhh - I'd hate it! Unasked for physical contact that you're uncomfortable with - if she was a man this would be seen as sexual harassment…..

Just tell her straight that you don't like being hugged so would she please not do it, and then before she has a chance to say anything move the conversation on - ask her how her weekend was or offer her a cup of tea, that way you make your point but don't leave the issue dangling there.

This is what I do when people try and get my to sing in public (my secret horror) - I just say "no, I don't do public singing, but here's a poem/I'll make you a coffee/did you see that film" etc … it seems to work just fine.

If she persists then you'll have to take her aside and explain more firmly.

DartmoorDoughnut · 23/03/2015 20:26

If the hugger was a man you'd get a unanimous YANBU I'm sure and I bet your DH would be on your side!

Oh and YANBU, sounds horrible! Mind you I am a totally touched out mother to a 6 month old so I might be slightly biased towards no unnecessary contact!

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