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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my colleague to hug me every day?

210 replies

perrita · 19/03/2015 22:39

Recently changed to a new team at work, they're all very nice. Each morning, one of the women on the team will come around to each of our desks and give everyone a hug.

I hate it; it makes me feel uncomfortable, I've tried ignoring her or walking away but she literally stands and waits with her arms open and says something like "it's time for morning hugs". I'm not a big hugger in general, and although she's nice enough and we get on okay I still barely know her.

It's been going on for about a week and a half now and I don't know how to stop it, I don't want to offend her or have the other people on the team think I'm strange or horrible or anything but I just don't want a hug although the problem is I feel like I've let it go on too long and I don't know how to tell her to stop.

DH thinks I'm BU and should just put up with it as "it's only a hug, she's just being nice" but I don't think I should have to do something that makes me uncomfortable. AIBU?

OP posts:
YouBetterWerk · 20/03/2015 11:12

I am a hugger. I love hugs, was bought up in a very demonstrative and tactile family and IMO you can't beat a warm, snuggly hug.

BUT IT IS PEOPLE LIKE THIS THAT GIVE US A BAD NAME. Angry

JeanSeberg · 20/03/2015 11:16

She sounds bonkers.

OOAOML · 20/03/2015 11:27

Oh this is all so wrong. I think you need to say something calmly now to her/your manager/HR before it simmers away and you eventually explode in a big angry rant one day (I once had a situation with a colleague - thankfully not involving personal space - that I put off saying anything about and got more and more angry until the day I totally lost it, stood up and swore at him very loudly. It would have been much more dignified to address it at an earlier stage.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 20/03/2015 11:39

PMSL @ TiggyD

Do that!

I love getting hugs as much as the next person but not from my colleagues. It's crossing a line and I can't quite put my finger on why it's creeping me out at the thought of hugs from colleagues but I get my hugs from family and some friends.

Nip this one in the bud now and say that you weren't sure how to bring up the topic so you're just coming straight out with it - you don't want hugs anymore. End of.

Best of luck with this!!!

TheRealMaryMillington · 20/03/2015 11:41

Tell the manager/HR
It's fucking weird
Why does she think it's appropriate?

PacificDogwood · 20/03/2015 11:44

Oh yes, please do what Tiggy said, I dare you, I double dare you Grin

I am not a hugger (unless it's my children) and I would absolutely hate this at work.
Did she just take it upon herself to be the Office Hugger or how on earth did this 'tradition' come about?!

WipsGlitter · 20/03/2015 11:45

I'd hate this. But I would also hate if they made a big deal about me not wanting one and it became a stick to beat me with, so every morning "time for morning hugs, opps not you Wips, I know you don't like them!!" Nightmare.

Agree with pp re asking someone has this been the norm.

OOAOML · 20/03/2015 11:50

Just imagining livening up an interview by answering the 'reasons why you left a job' question with a rant about crazy hugging lady.

BreakingDad77 · 20/03/2015 11:50

Lol @ tiggyD advice, another vote from me - fight fire with fire!

DamnBamboo · 20/03/2015 11:51

Just say, 'yeah, not really into hugging my colleagues.... every day... at all actually. I don't feel comfortable, so please stop asking'

Mabelface · 20/03/2015 11:57

I'd speak to your line manager about this, as I doubt you're the only one who's finding this uncomfortable. If she's asked to stop hugging people by her manager, it'll be easier, as it can be kept confidential as to who made the complaint. Personal space thieves make me shudder!

expatinscotland · 20/03/2015 12:00

Christ on a bike! I don't care how new you are, I would tell the manager or HR because that is really unprofessional. And creepy.

cestlavielife · 20/03/2015 12:00

speak to the team leader today. is it sanctioned by the team leader? is it the team leader?

Totality22 · 20/03/2015 12:00

Love Tiggy's suggestion. You could have so much fun.... you could become to office licker or the office arse slapper.

I am a hugger. I have hugged a lot of my colleagues over the years but to give you some context its been a hug goodbye when ive gone on maternity leave and just the colleagues I work most closely with..... not the whole office and not everyday.
This woman sounds bizarre and as a seasoned and proud hugger I would be very freaked out by a daily hug from a colleague.

Totality22 · 20/03/2015 12:01

strike through fail there

tomandizzymum · 20/03/2015 12:11

That's too much. If she came and just hugged your shoulders or something fair enough but "it's time for morning hugs" makes me think she's either not firing on all cylinders or is moments away from a nervous breakdown. Whatever you do, tread carefully, she sounds a bit unstable.

tomandizzymum · 20/03/2015 12:16

What TiggyD said

Grin please do this!!!

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/03/2015 12:20

"its time for morning hugs" BOAK!
Listen if this was a man she/he would be looking at charges of sexual harassment. Point this out to her.

Jackie0 · 20/03/2015 12:20

I'm dying to hear what your colleagues make of this, hasn't it come up when the lady concerned is out of the office?
But yes she's massively out if order.
Is she senior to everyone else?
Its a bit territorial.

OOAOML · 20/03/2015 12:30

Have you tried sounding your colleagues out on this? maybe most of them are desperate to stand up and shout "get off me" but nobody wants to be the one to say it first?

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 20/03/2015 12:30

Even reading this thread has got me really tensed up. Why do these fucking huggy people mil foist their bodies at everyone? Just sod off! Not everyone likes being touched! If you don't live in my house, basically, I don't want to touch or be touched by you. Ever.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 20/03/2015 12:31

sympathies, fucking hate work fake HUGS

musicmaiden · 20/03/2015 12:46

I love hugs and work in the media which is one of the most tactile industries there is, but there is no way this would be happening in my office. Very inappropriate and unreasonable. I would be asking your line manager to have a word.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/03/2015 12:50

"inappropriate" IS the key word here!
I remember when I was telephone fundraising for a political party that shall remain nameless - and pointless - this horrible old male supervisor would 'reward' success with a feel of your shoulders and back!
I simply told him to not touch me as it was not 'appropriate'.

'Oh! Oh ! so you feel strongly about that do you?' the old toad said

'Yes I do' I said firmly and that was that!

Mind you that was in Brixton where nobody is expected to take shit.

windchime · 20/03/2015 13:11

We have a person at work who behaves like this. Hugs and kisses every time you work with her, whether you want them or not. I just said 'don't you fucking dare' when she came at me, and that was the end of it but I am an evil witch and she is 30 years younger than me