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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my colleague to hug me every day?

210 replies

perrita · 19/03/2015 22:39

Recently changed to a new team at work, they're all very nice. Each morning, one of the women on the team will come around to each of our desks and give everyone a hug.

I hate it; it makes me feel uncomfortable, I've tried ignoring her or walking away but she literally stands and waits with her arms open and says something like "it's time for morning hugs". I'm not a big hugger in general, and although she's nice enough and we get on okay I still barely know her.

It's been going on for about a week and a half now and I don't know how to stop it, I don't want to offend her or have the other people on the team think I'm strange or horrible or anything but I just don't want a hug although the problem is I feel like I've let it go on too long and I don't know how to tell her to stop.

DH thinks I'm BU and should just put up with it as "it's only a hug, she's just being nice" but I don't think I should have to do something that makes me uncomfortable. AIBU?

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 20/03/2015 16:02

I fear for the Office Hugger - I think the OP still has her in a bear hug like a python

OneEyedWilly · 20/03/2015 16:17

WTAF! I love my team at work, we are all really good friends and I know for a fact that if I tried this I would get punched in the face!

skyninja · 20/03/2015 16:21

oh no...I'm feeling very uncomfortable at the mere thought of this. I don't know what I would do. I like to think I would have refused the first time but I think I probably would have said 'Are you taking the piss?'. Assumed hoped it was some weird newbie initiation.

I don't think I've ever hugged a work colleague.

AMummysWorkIsNeverDone · 20/03/2015 16:29

Tricky situation as no one else has said anything. You know you'll end up the 'baddie' if you say too much. Just say you'd rather not hug, sorry. If she doesn't respect that take the issue to HR.

pockledigg · 20/03/2015 16:36

Have you tried 'Piss off weirdo'?

flannelwash · 20/03/2015 16:41

Crying with laughter at "go limp and slither to the floor, screaming."

Just make some sexual noises in her ear, she'll never touch you again.

Crinkle77 · 20/03/2015 16:43

I would find that annoying. I don't mind hugging if there is a need for it like a birthday or something but I would find evey morning a bit too much.

frankie80 · 20/03/2015 16:57

If you were opposite sexes, it would be sexual harrassment.

So speak to your manager.

Skiptonlass · 20/03/2015 17:21

Christ on roller skates... "Time for morning hugs" ?!

I hate being touched by people I'm not intimate with. It's a gross violation of your boundaries. Just be firm and say no.

As several pp s have pointed out, if this was a bloke, there'd be harassment suits in the air.

Yuck. What's wrong with people?!

expatinscotland · 20/03/2015 17:30

Personally, I can be upfront with such people because in this setting, she's really over-stepping boundaries and a firm, 'No. I don't do hugs. A simple 'good morning!' works for me,' and if she persisted, or hugged me from behind, again, just a, 'Please don't do that. I don't like being hugged like that.'

But if you feel unable to do this, I would tell your manager or supervisor that this is rather unprofessional and uncomfortable.

There is nothing nice about a person who forces him or herself into your personal space.

SwedeByName · 20/03/2015 17:31

If this was a guy, wouldn't you feel it was unacceptable? So why is it any different coming from a woman? I think you should block it NOW, and not worry what she or anyone else thinks. It's actually really creepy and manipulative. Please don't let it continue, and speak to HR if necessary.

no73 · 20/03/2015 17:38

Fuck that! I've just finished night shifts and during one of them we were discussing my dislike for being hugged by people I don't want touching me. Makes my skin crawl.

AlbertSpanglersConscience · 20/03/2015 17:48

No. Just no.
You've just got to tell her straight - and straight enough so that she doesn't do digs at you when she 'does the rounds'.
I'd approach her in the loo. Be nice but tell her you find unwanted physical contact inappropriate and distressing and she needs to not hug you again.

Repeat like a cracked record if she asks why or tries to guilt you.

Bellwether · 20/03/2015 18:05

Ugh, I had one of these. I just said "I don't hug" and she started crying and was taken away 'for a word'. We then had three more years of her shenanigans - she'd go around oversharing, hugging, asking personal questions and upsetting/offending people, being 'honest' (ie: a dickhead) and... yeah. Just one of those sorts.

She kept away from me though :)

ScrambledEggAndToast · 20/03/2015 19:01

Just stay sat down, tightly tucked into your desk and when she comes towards you squirt her with a water pistol (as suggested earlier)

ARoomWithoutAView · 20/03/2015 19:11

Nip it in the bud. Tell her politely that you do not do hugs, not know, not ever.

FryOneFatManic · 20/03/2015 19:23

I would hate this and would have to get it stopped pronto. I am seen as very friendly, chatty and approachable, but I don't do hugs. In fact, hardly any of my colleagues have even realised yet that I keep a definite personal space, it's all in the attitude.

But no hugs, not for me, please. I only hug close family and one or two very close friends. I'm not comfortable with hugs in a work situation. Anyone trying to push hugs on me would not be doing it a second time.

dansmum · 20/03/2015 20:06

How about.."thanks but.I dont really do hugs..but how about a handshake ?" I do definitely think you need to say over coffee/watermachine "so...whats with the hugs ? I've never been in such a friendly team before...gives her time to tell you why it's done..then ask her to help you out because it really makes you uncomfortable...get her to suggest. Alternatives that work for you both..as you are asking for her help with your issue its not going to offend her kind gesture.

Agent160 · 20/03/2015 20:08

I clicked on this thread genuinely thinking it was going to be about someone I work with! Our hugger is very very senior in the organisation and even hugs the Chief Exec. She used to work at a big company (won't say which because I'm sure I must have mumsnetter colleagues, but it's one of the most famous companies in the UK) and by all accounts it was very common there.

SocialMediaAddict · 20/03/2015 20:33

I'm really tactile but that's seriously weird! Can you get her a care bear to hug!

nickimadrid · 20/03/2015 20:52

No way, I would hate this.
If it had been a bloke who came up to you from behind to hug you, it would be sexual harassment, just cause it's a woman, doesn't mean it's not harassment (or even sexual). I agree with the majority, say no, it makes me feel uncomfortable. Maybe you'll find that everyone feels the same and is relieved that you say no. Is there a boss person you can talk to?

cinders456 · 20/03/2015 20:58

You could give her a wedgie?

cinders456 · 20/03/2015 21:02

Seriously, it is weird behaviour. Other than treating weird with weird, you probably need to set firm boundaries.Just state that you're not a huggy person.

Yoosurnaym · 20/03/2015 21:06

Why the agnst? I might have let her hug me the once but I'd have stopped her the second time. It wouldn't cross my mind to feel awkward about telling her that I don't like hugs. I'd be polite and friendly but I'd be straight about it....and that would be that. This is the type of situation that doesn't deserve deep thought.

If, as your DH suggests, she is only being 'nice' then I'm sure she wouldn't want you to keep quiet about disliking her hugs. Iyswim

I don't like being kissed by friends. I'll put up with the odd peck once in a blue moon but that's all. I'm a friendly person but I only want physical affection from family.

musicalendorphins2 · 20/03/2015 21:27

Maybe if you wear this she will leave you alone?
www.urimage.net/images/2013/12/08/ffffff.jpg

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