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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my colleague to hug me every day?

210 replies

perrita · 19/03/2015 22:39

Recently changed to a new team at work, they're all very nice. Each morning, one of the women on the team will come around to each of our desks and give everyone a hug.

I hate it; it makes me feel uncomfortable, I've tried ignoring her or walking away but she literally stands and waits with her arms open and says something like "it's time for morning hugs". I'm not a big hugger in general, and although she's nice enough and we get on okay I still barely know her.

It's been going on for about a week and a half now and I don't know how to stop it, I don't want to offend her or have the other people on the team think I'm strange or horrible or anything but I just don't want a hug although the problem is I feel like I've let it go on too long and I don't know how to tell her to stop.

DH thinks I'm BU and should just put up with it as "it's only a hug, she's just being nice" but I don't think I should have to do something that makes me uncomfortable. AIBU?

OP posts:
Debinaround · 20/03/2015 00:00

I'm a hugger but not at work, that's just creepy.

Tell her you have scabies so can't touch anyone till they are treated! I actually trained someone at work once who told me that the first time I met her and I had gone to shake her hand. She had treated them but for the rest of her time with me I didn't touch her onceGrin

BringMeTea · 20/03/2015 00:07

Arf at scabies. She would not get a second shot at hugging me. I agree with pp who said just tell her you do not like it and to please desist. As politely as you can muster.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 20/03/2015 00:17

Is she pink and smelling of strawberries? Grin Poor woman sounds clueless. Hugging work colleagues?

clippityclop · 20/03/2015 00:18

Shuddering at the thought of this going on in my work place, yeaughk. I suppose a quick peck on the cheek at the end of a meal outside work with colleagues who are friends is ok, but not hugs every day with little more than an acquaintance. I'd duck, laugh, tell her to bugger of and ask her if she wants a cuppa all in one breath. No point in creating animosity but get your point across.

toffeeboffin · 20/03/2015 00:23

This is totally unacceptable! Please just say 'No'. She's pressurising you into physical contact? No way. And the hug from behind thing, I'm surprised you haven't elbowed her in the face by now! I hate unwanted physical contact, especially from a colleague. Huggy friends are bad enough!

I would talk to HR, there is no excuse for this. If it was a guy he would probably have been prosecuted by now!

SwedishEdith · 20/03/2015 00:28

Love the water pistol. Just start hysterically screaming every time she does it.

CarlaVeloso · 20/03/2015 00:29

Next time, you push her away jovially and say "clear off with your bloody hugs, I'm trying to work"...in a smiley way. The next day, if it hasn't stopped, you simply push her away again and say "what have I told you...do we have to take this to a tribunal?" In a half-jokey way. I would honestly just not allow the hug. What do we teach our children about unwelcome touching? Same goes for you. Stand up for yourself.

I wouldn't maje a drama out of it though, no need to take her to one side for a word or anything, keep it public and light-hearted but make it stop.

HopSkipCrash · 20/03/2015 00:32

She doesn't have children does she? I saw a graph somewhere that showed how your need for hugs went down with the arrival of your first child and being cuddled all day.

Long term plan: get her matched up with someone & having babies
Short term plan: grope her bottom and stick your tongue in her ear Grin

Frasras11 · 20/03/2015 00:41

If this was a man, it would be construed as sexual harassment. Tbh and in a nod to equality so is this. It's completely inappropriate, especially sneak hugging from behind, and is creepy, crazy and wrong.

Have you had a word with your boss? I think it needs to be officially mentioned. I bet other team members hate it too but don't know how to approach it. She sounds manic and will be offended however it's handled. Tell your boss you're having a word and if it doesn't stop after that you want them to address it. You have a right to feel comfortable and safe at work Regardless of which bat shit crazy cat lady you offend!

WorkingBling · 20/03/2015 01:46

Ugh. Totally inappropriate and as others have said, would be a case for harassment in another place. Well, I still think it's harassment but suspect you won't get far with that.

I used tk work with a lot of French people. And the kissing before/after holidays. On special occasions etc drove me crazy. But at least it was cultural and there was a clear line - heading off on Christmas hols equals kiss, leaving the office for the night on Wednesday equals no kiss.
Tell here politely but firmly to stop b

pollykinesis · 20/03/2015 01:48

I had a colleague who wanted to high five or fist-bump about 400 times a day. One day I said no to the bloody high five. She got really pushy and insistent I high five her until Finally i flipped out and yelled "you're taking away my freedom"!. And that was then end of that Smile your body, your choice. Don't feel bad for putting a stop to this however you see fit.

FenellaFellorick · 20/03/2015 07:27

why is her right to hug you more important than your right to not be subjected to unwanted physical interactions?

(can you tell I HATE huggers? Grin )

To trot out the old 'if she was a man' thing - if she was, I'm sure the daily give me a hug would have made its way into a report to HR by now.

This is no different. Someone is forcing you into a physical closeness that you are uncomfortable with and you have the right to say that it is inappropriate, it is unwanted and it needs to stop.

MissMogwi · 20/03/2015 07:31

Ugh. That is my worst nightmare. Use your chair to fend her off, like a lion tamer. (Whip optional).

AMillionNameChangesLater · 20/03/2015 07:39

I'm wildly known at work for not hugging. I have about five people I'll hug.

I just dodge it by saying "I like my personal space. Don't touch me" it works well!

viva100 · 20/03/2015 08:02

I like hugs. I have no problem with friends hugging me when I see them. Don't think I've ever hugged/been hugged at work. Not appropriate. She's a nutter. Cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

Whereisegg · 20/03/2015 08:09

Also Grin at 'time for morning hugs'

ChocolateCherry · 20/03/2015 08:11

Wrestle her to the ground and snog her for 10 minutes. She'll back off if she thinks you're madder than her Grin

God I would HAATE it though. I'd turn her to stone if she tried that on me.

Aridane · 20/03/2015 08:16

Just tell her!!!

Had a huggy colleague - told her I didn't like hugs. End of. (subsequently we did 'virtual hugs'!)

SusannahD · 20/03/2015 08:18

WTF that is weird, I would be uncomfortable too op just say sorry I'm not a hugger why not get me and the team a brew to show how much you care

Out0fCheeseError · 20/03/2015 08:22

My skin is crawling at the thought of this! YASOOOOOOOONBU!

FeijoaSundae · 20/03/2015 08:29

Somebody with this little social nous must have the hide of a rhinocerous. You will have to spell it out. Subtlety won't work.

Ratbagcatbag · 20/03/2015 08:29

I'd just be blunt and say it in the office in front of people that no thanks I'm busy. If you have a private word then she will be all wounded and telling people she was only being friendly.
I occasionally hug at work and my male boss (who has the worlds most evil reputation) give the most amazing bear hugs when needed. But it's a mutual thing.

although I did accidentally hug a very senior manager the other week

Debinaround · 20/03/2015 08:30

Pissing myself at ChocolateCherrys suggestion.

musicalendorphins2 · 20/03/2015 08:33

Print this out and leave it at her station/desk?
www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Coworker-to-Respect-Your-Personal-Space

HellKitty · 20/03/2015 08:43

I've got a friend exactly like this but I don't mind as she's a friend. I could imagine that she would be the type to force-hug colleagues thoughShock